Staring at the Sun

Chapter 2, Saturday

I stared at the mass of congealed scrambled egg and felt my stomach turn. It was early and Richard and I had been lucky enough to get on the 7am ferry to Calais, our only penalty for being late a small surcharge.

It was a beautiful day and the sun was already hot by the time we drove onto the huge cross-channel ferry, the air full of diesel smells and the oily sea. Breakfast was the first event on my husband's agenda and I listened as he flirted with one of the cafeteria staff.

He was in good form this morning and although he hadn't mentioned Jake to me, I knew that soon enough the subject would be raised. We carried our plates over to a table by the window and sat down on the hard bench-like seats.

"How do you feel this morning?" Richard asked, pouring out coffee for us both. "I have to say I feel great. Slept better than I have for ages."

I hid a smile. Maybe it had something to do with the sex and I had to admit we did feel a lot closer after the intimacy of last night. I put the image of Jake firmly out of my head and hoped that Richard would forget the idea of making the detour to the Dordogne.

"How long will it take us to get to Burgundy?" I asked.

"Oh, about five hours, I suppose," Richard replied, munching on a slice of toast. "I'll put my foot down and we can make up for a couple of hours of lost time."

I sat back in my seat and watched my husband finish his breakfast. A slight quiver of anticipation ran through me as I thought of the journey ahead and the hotel we had booked for a couple of nights.

"Anyway, I never asked what you thought of Jake..."

I felt myself blush as I avoided looking at Richard. "Well, he was OK, I suppose. He looked older than you."

"Ah, that might be because he is. About three years I think." Richard looked at me and smiled. "You fancied him, didn't you?"

"Don't be stupid, of course not."

"Oh, Louise, come on...admit it. Good-looking guy, rolling in it by all accounts..."

"Forget it, Richard. OK? I don't find him attractive at all. He's not my type" My husband grinned and I had a sudden urge to hit him. "Well, I've arranged for us to go and visit him at the weekend. I thought it would be good to catch up on old times and the money we save can go towards some more wine."

I felt my stomach flip over with sudden anxiety and dread. The two week break on our own was about to be ruined and even though Richard could sense my annoyance, the silly grin refused to leave his face.

"What's up? I thought you'd be glad of a chance to get to know him better as well."

Through gritted teeth I replied, "I do not want to stay there. Do you understand that?"

"Well, it's all sorted now. His wife's flying over so you won't be alone with him." He sniggered and I stood up.

"I'm going out on deck. I need some fresh air."

"Ok, darling. I'll be in the lounge."

I made my way quickly out onto the sun deck, the tears springing to my eyes as I went. I imagined the two of them last night making a joke of me, my husband laughing as he arranged the visit, knowing full well that I was never comfortable in other people's houses. We never arranged to stay with friends as I hated feeling like an intruder in someone else's house. I was furious with Richard for putting me in this position and for a crazy moment contemplated flying home while he stayed for the weekend. But I knew that would put our marriage on an even more precarious footing and our relationship would deteriorate rapidly.

Leaning on the deck at the very back of the ferry I watched the white wake churned up by the boat's propellers. It reminded me of a beautiful path over the sea, but with every inch we travelled, I realised I was leaving England behind, and with it everything I held dear.

* We drove in silence for most of the morning, our only words relevant to the journey. Outside, the heat of the June day intensified and although we had air-conditioning in the car, the glare of the sun made us both tired and grumpy by lunchtime. Ahead of us the autoroute shimmered in a heat haze and all my offers to drive were met with refusals.

"I think we should pull off in a minute and find somewhere for lunch," Richard said as I picked up the map. "Find the next exit and then we'll head for the nearest village."

"We're not far from Reims," I said, studying the map, my eyes blurring as I tried to make sense of the lines. "I think there's an exit coming up in a minute."

We pulled off and wound our way through country lanes overflowing with summer flowers, the roads devoid of any traffic. "Is there a village marked?" said Richard with obvious irritation. "Or am I going to travel on aimlessly, just wandering around the French countryside?"

I looked at the map again and twisted it around, trying desperately to see if we were near anywhere of any size. "I think there's a village coming up."

Richard sighed and pressed his foot down hard on the accelerator, his face back to that grim determination I was beginning to recognise.

After a couple of miles of silence, a small village appeared, the church spire rising out of the surrounding fields. It was deserted, the only movement a sly cat moving furtively along a sunny wall.

"Maybe we should have stopped on the motorway."

"Oh yeah, and paid through the nose for a greasy plate of inedible food?" Richard looked at me and then stopped the car, grabbing the map from me.

"Where are we?"

"There." I pointed to a tiny village on the map and he sighed.

"God, this looks like a desolate little place. We'll have to turn around and see if we can find somewhere else."

"Why don't I drive and then you can navigate?" I said sweetly through clenched teeth.

"Just look at the map, Louise! It's not bloody hard!"

With a squeal of tyres he reversed and headed back in the direction we had come. The sun beat down on the car, making me squint as I stared out of the window. I rummaged in my bag for my sunglasses and instead pulled out a toy car of my son's, a lump in my throat as I pictured his sweet face.

My hands were trembling when I put my glasses on, and Richard noticed. "Oh hell, Louise, I'm sorry. It's just that I imagined us at some little roadside bar, sipping a cold beer and relaxing."

His words were too much for me and I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I was missing the children so badly and even though I knew they were well looked after, a sense of guilt was coming back to me time after time.

Richard pulled up in a field entrance and took my head in his hands. "Come on, let's forget that, shall we?" He kissed my cheek and I managed a smil. "We'll find somewhere, don't worry and I'll treat you to a glass of champagne." I nodded and he put the car into drive and pulled away again smoothly. I concentrated on the map, hoping that we'd come across another, bigger village and find what we were dreaming of.

Half an hour later, we had found it. An old bar with shuttered windows and small tables set out in the tiny garden. Richard raised his glass to me and I smiled as the cold bubbles slid down my parched throat. The young waitress was making her way over to us with plates of pate, bread and olives and my stomach rumbled at the thought of lunch, the greasy ferry breakfast long since forgotten.

"See? Told you we'd find it!" Richard grinned and took a bite of crusty baguette. "France!"

I smiled back and relaxed in the warmth of the sun. The half bottle of champagne lay cooling in the ice-bucket next to us and I watched as a French couple talked to the waitress, their faces animated and happy.

"Would you like this life?" I asked.

"What? Living in France?"

"Yes, why not?"

Richard thought for a moment and shook his head. "No, I don't think so. I like where we live."

"What about the stress?"

I watched his face and saw a momentary grimace. "Stress?"

"Oh come on, Richard! All our neighbours work terrible hours, there's always this huge pressure to have the "right" car, the "right" holidays. Sometimes I get fed up with it."

He looked at me in surprise. "I thought that's what you wanted? The big house, the right school for the kids?"

I sat back and closed my eyes, the wine glass glinting in my hand as it caught the sun. "It must feel wonderful to be free of that pressure."

Richard grunted and finished his baguette. "The work I do pays the bills and pays for this." He waved his hand around the garden.

A sudden image came into my brain as we sat and relaxed. An old farmhouse hidden in the fields, cool stone floors and simple furniture, the peace and quiet of a hot afternoon...a tall dark-haired man leading me up the stairs.

"Louise? What do you think?"

I jumped and looked at my husband and the image faded. "Sorry, I was away there. What did you say?"

Richard continued to talk, his words falling all around me but not meaning anything. I couldn't get the image of Jake out of my mind and imagined his hands on my breasts, his lips caressing my neck as we lay entwined. What was wrong with me? Why was I fantasising over someone who I didn't like?

I made an effort to listen as Richard chatted about the holiday and how he'd heard of a great new vineyard near to our hotel. I forced myself to relax, to stop thinking about the children and concentrate on the enjoyment of the day, the warmth, the chilled champagne and the relaxation to come.

* The journey seemed to stretch on endlessly after lunch. Richard took the wheel once again as I had had more than my far share of the wine. I settled into the comfortable seat and tried my hardest to stay awake but it was hopeless. The sun and the lunchtime meal combined to soothe me off to sleep and I was heedless of the miles disappearing under the car's wheels.

When I awoke, it was late afternoon and Richard was indicating to leave the autoroute, his face showing the tiredness he was no doubt feeling.

"Are we here?" I asked groggily, sitting up and reaching for my sunglasses.

"Not far, now. About ten miles, I think."

I looked out at the window and saw neat fields and small farmhouses with rows of vines in the distance. The heat shimmered over everything and I hoped that our hotel room would be cool.

"Did you say what time we'd arrive?" Richard asked, glancing at his watch. "It's coming up to four."

"No, I told them late afternoon so this is perfect. You must be exhausted." I put my hand on his arm and was rewarded with a smile.

"I am tired, I must admit."

"Was this a good idea, do you think? All this driving?"

Richard sighed and looked exasperated. "It's a bit late asking that now, isn't it?" "I thought we agreed that it would be good to re-live some of the holidays we had before the children came along?" "Yes, but it was supposed to be relaxing, too. I don't want us going home more tired than when we started."

"Louise, just relax. I don't know what's up with you at the moment. You seem so tense. What's the matter?"

I shrugged my shoulders and stared out of the window. "I don't know. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow."

Richard grunted. "Well, I hope so. We're supposed to be making the most of this and it's costing a fortune."

The rest of the journey was silent again, and I took out the small guide book from which we had chosen the hotel. Supposedly the best in the area, the hotel was in a wonderful position at one end of the market square in the small Burgundy town. Shuttered windows winked at us sleepily in the late afternoon sun as we parked outside and I felt my body relax after the long journey. The interior of the hotel was cool and quiet, dark wooden antique furniture and a welcome from two huge dogs giving the impression of a family home.

The friendly owner gave us a key and showed us up to our room which overlooked the square and the fields of vines beyond. I flung open the shutters and gazed down at the scene below, a small bar opposite and the imposing church at the far end.

"It's beautiful," I breathed, turning to see Richard watching me. He came over and put his arms around my waist, kissing the back of my neck and making me shiver.

"The bed's not as good as last night, but it feels comfortable," he whispered in my ear.

I smiled and turned to face him. "I hope so."

We kissed deeply for a moment, each feeling relief that the long day of driving was over. Outside the church bells began to chime and I looked at my watch. "I'm going to unpack and then I think you should take a nap. You must be shattered."

The wardrobe in the room was huge and old and the inside smelt musty. I unfolded all our creased clothes while Richard disappeared into the bathroom for a shower. I heard him laughing and went in to see him crouched in a tiny bath with a ledge for sitting on.

"There'll be no romantic sessions in here!" he grinned and I laughed as he sat there, the warm water cascading over his body. I went to him and kissed his cheek, feeling suddenly happier than I had for ages.

* I awoke in the darkened room and struggled to remember where I was. The insistent hooting of car horns grew nearer and nearer and I climbed off the bed to see what was going on. Next to me, Richard murmured in his sleep and I carefully opened the wooden shutters, blinking as the sun streamed in. Below me in the square, a dozen cars had congregated, each one bearing a fluttering pink ribbon from the radio aerial. A group of people were massing near the church and I leaned out for a better look.

The bride (for it was a wedding) was standing with an older man and woman who were dressed conservatively in smart suits. The bride was resplendent in frothy lace and a veil, but it was the bridesmaid who caught my attention, her micro skirt and plunging top overshadowing the whole bridal party.

I felt an arm go round my waist and turned to see Richard staring at the same scene. "Wow, look at her!"

I laughed and followed his gaze to the bride's attendant who was smoking and waving her arms around as she entertained half a dozen men. Her blonde hair caught the sun and she seemed to be on fire.

"I wonder what the groom thinks!" I giggled and leant back against my husband who started to stroke one of my nipples through my thin tee-shirt.

"Take that off," he murmured and I felt that twist again as he turned me round and kissed me hard on the lips. "I want you..."

I lifted the tee-shirt over my head and shivered as Richard bent his head to kiss and suck my nipples. His hand moved lower and pulled my knickers to one side as his fingers probed the sweet softness within.

"Turned on by this?" he whispered and I nodded, my eyes closed as his hands worked their magic on my body. I removed my underwear and saw that his erection was already evident, the stresses of the journey no doubt forgotten after our brief nap. Stroking the length of his hardness, I felt his body react to mine as our need intensified.

"Turn around," he said and I did as he asked, kneeling on the edge of the bed while he caressed me from behind, the warmth of his body pressing against my bottom. I reached around and took his erection in my hand guiding him deep within me and gasping as he took possession of my inner depths.

He started to push himself slowly into me and I moaned a little as I felt his hardness slide in and out. His hands rested on my hips and I pushed back at him as he moved, our rhythm honed by so many years together. Outside I could hear the bells begin to ring again and Richard timed his movements to the chimes, something I found incredibly erotic. I knew I was close to orgasm and reached down to massage my clitoris, feeling the pleasure build within me, layer upon layer. It had been so long since we had indulged ourselves like this and I wanted to savour every moment of our relationship beginning to heal.

We felt as one, the heat of the afternoon giving us both a slight sheen of perspiration that moulded us together. The large, high ceilinged room took our moans and sighs and amplified them, adding to the intensity we were feeling. And then I felt myself falling into that deep well of desire and I cried out as my fingers and Richard's cock took me over the edge. He kept on thrusting and I knew that he was coming too, his hands gripping my hips as he climaxed in me, his warm fluids erupting inside and making me feel desired and needed.

We both collapsed onto the bed, and held each other close, listening to the sounds in the square, hearing the bells and the sound of laughter.

* I sipped my white wine and smiled as Richard finished talking on the mobile phone. The bar opposite the hotel was old and basic but we were willingly providing the entertainment for the locals and I played my part to perfection.

Richard laughed and I saw the tenderness in his face as he listened to his daughter babble away about her day. The wedding cars were still parked near us and I imagined the bridal party were holding their reception at our hotel, which was renowned for its food and fine wine.

The old man at the table opposite hadn't taken his eyes off me once and I was beginning to wonder whether I had made a mistake with my make-up or had grown another head without noticing. The bar was a meeting place for the residents of the town and I was enjoying feeling part of the local life for a short while. People came and went, shouting greetings to one another and I sat back in my seat and watched as the town came alive after the heat of the afternoon.

"OK, darling," I heard Richard say, "I'll just give you to Mummy. Be good."

He smiled and handed me the mobile phone and I chatted to my daughter as she told me what they were going to do the next day. My parents had a whole day's activities planned and I felt grateful that they had the energy and enthusiasm to cope with my two energetic children.

I rang off and sat back into my chair, relaxing now that I knew the children were fine. "This is wonderful," I sighed and closed my eyes, feeling my body soften under the warm evening sun. "The drive was worth it."

We sat and enjoyed the scene for a while and the talk gradually turned to the business. "I can't remember the last time we talked about work," I said and yawned, the long day and the sun beginning to have an effect, despite my afternoon of sleep.. "How are things?"

Richard hesitated before replying, not quite able to look me in the eye. "Oh well, you know how it is. This time of year's always slow."

I felt a jolt of surprise. It had been five years since I'd had any day-to-day responsibility for the business and I missed the challenges it brought.

"I don't remember the summer being slow."

"Well, we've more competition now. Everybody seems to be starting up a printing business at the moment."

I took a sip of wine and looked at Richard who seemed distinctly uncomfortable. "Is there a problem you've not told me about?"

"Why are you bringing this up now?"

I stared at my husband in surprise. "You were the one who mentioned work, Richard! I was quite happy to sit here and just enjoy the view."

I thought back to how I'd met my husband fifteen years ago. Struggling with the financial side of the business, my parents had taken Richard on to help with the accounts and I had been attracted to him from the start. In his late twenties, he was hard-working, but fun to be with and our relationship blossomed quickly over the course of a few months. My parents were delighted with the way things turned out and after the wedding Richard was made a Director. The future looked promising.

I continued to work alongside my parents and Richard for five years before Lily was born and then I carried on, taking her in with me and somehow juggling the office and our home life. It was stressful, but we managed, and our relationship was strong and loving.

But when Matt was born six years ago, I couldn't cope any more and I stepped down permanently. Now they were both at school I had been making plans to return, and hoped that this holiday would be a good way of talking to Richard about my ideas.