(This story picks up with characters from "The Vicar of St. Dunstan's" series: the Series Guide will help you keep some of the characters straight. Mother Mary Rufus (now called "La Rossa") and Sister Mary Francis Xavier have been living in Rome for two years after MMR became the international head of her order, and have adjusted well to living at the heart of the Catholic Church. Their lives are about to be changed as an old friend from England comes by for a visit.)
The sun was blazing through the cloud tufted blue sky. Mid-May was gentle in Rome, and I was taking the siesta period to sunbathe nude on the convent roof with Sister Juliana. She's the only one of the local nuns in residence at the Generalate who's close to my age and interested in the same things I am. Her home is Naples, and her olive skin grows deeper and richer with the sunshine, where the Irish half of my genes means I have to be more careful how long I'm out. It is delicious to feel the sun on my skin; I've enjoyed it in many places after traveling the world as a teenager, since my native England is rather stingy with warm sunny days.
Our bodies are different in build as well. Sister Juliana's body is very soft and slightly plump, with graceful curves that tantalize our groundskeeper Rocco Salvatore as be pretends to trim the hedges in the morning. My body is more athletic, lean and long, although I've been told my hips and breasts are appealing. I flipped over on my back to let the sun soak into every inch of my skin there, while Sister Juliana turned from her left to right side.
"Sister Franny, how often do you think the Elephant masturbates? I know you pray in the Chapel every night, and a vent from his apartment carries every sound there."
"I would guess once a day, Sister Juli. Sister Agatha says he must have been up to three times a day when he was younger."
"And how would Sister Agatha know?"
"She was his housekeeper when he was at Santa Croce in Firenza. Never caught him at it, but heard enough through the door of his suite, and of course she had to clean up after him."
Sister Juliana sat up quickly, whipping off her sunglasses, and making her heavy breasts bob. "How horrible! Did he soil his bedsheets?"
"No, he had several pairs of white socks he used. Would throw them into the hamper with his undergarments and assumed Sister wouldn't know about the nature of the stains."
"How did Sister Agatha know? She's such a holy, devout person."
"Who grew up with five brothers in the countryside. Take it from me, she knows what crusty old semen looks like."
Shuddering in the warmth, Sister Juliana put her sunglasses back on and laid back, her skin glistening. "From what I saw when we took care of the Elephant during his illness last winter, he's the one who came from a farm. Do all men have cocks his size?"
I shook my head carefully, trying not to dislodge my wimple. "No, the Elephant got his nickname as a boy from the size of his member. Sister Agatha says that's why he became a priest: no woman he's ever met was willing to be impaled by him."
"Oh, my God, protect me from him. He would destroy me," Sister Juliana said, crossing herself.
"Has he made a pass at you?"
"Two days ago, when I was cleaning the Sacristy after Mass. I was bending over to pick up the used purificators, and he placed his hands on either side of my backside. Almost hit him with the linens since I stood up and threw them over my shoulder in surprise, but when I turned around he was smiling at me like I've never seen before, with a glow in his eyes that scared me. He gave me that gruff chuckle that sounds like a dog woofing and stroked my cheek, then he just walked away."
Monsignore Carlo Maria Farinelli was a huge man in many ways. He was almost seven feet tall with dark hair and eyes in spite of his 75 years, with huge ears and nose, gigantic hands with fat fingers, tree trunk legs and a torso that had been muscular in his youth. His voice was a clone of Pavarotti's, but a bad case of stage fright expelled him from the Conservatory and sent him to the Seminary. "Just be sure you don't let him trap you anywhere, Sister Juli. He caught me one night after vespers standing in front of the vestment closet. The Elephant was stalking me."
"Oh my, Sister Franny. What did he do to you?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Well, I did grab one of the Elephant's ears and squeezed as hard as I could. He's been respectful ever since."
"Squeezed his ear? How did you reach that high?"
"I'm not being literal. I grabbed one of his nuts and twisted."
She gave me an unbelieving look, so I pantomimed the male genitalia and demonstrated. Her laughter made her writhe on her couch so much she knocked her wimple off despite the pins holding it in place. Her long black hair was up in a bun. "That would come in handy when we go out to the clubs, wouldn't it?"
"Yes, but only as a last resort." Mother Mary Rufus, the head of our order and supervisor of the house, hadn't found out about our sneaking out to hang out at the sidewalk bars or go dancing at one of the clubs, yet. It's a good way to blow off the steam of convent life, and we enjoy teasing the boys a little, but we stay true to out vows and we are still virgins. Well, literally virgins. . .
My cell phone buzzed at my side and I picked it up: "Pronto."
"Hello, luv. How's life in the Eternal City?"
I shifted onto my side and looked away from my companion. "Just fine, Aunt Mavis. How's Scotland?" I said, switching to English after talking with Sister Juliana in Italian.
"Oh, it's doing just fine, but it's weeping a bit outside since I'm on my way out."
"Out?"
"Yes, luv. I'm leaving Scotland, too bloody cold up here. The babbies are grown enough I can leave them for a bit."
Aunt Mavis isn't literally my aunt, she's from the same parish my mother's family belonged to: St. Dunstan's. She's a huge lady, with dark hair and bundles of energy for a woman in her 60's. When Red and I moved to Rome, she left her husband and went to Scotland to be near one of her daughters. She would be called a wench in another time, good fun and full of wisdom in her own way. "So when are you leaving Scotland?" I asked.
"Oh, they've just called my flight, should be boarding after I ring off with you. Maybe they'll give me a full body search if I'm lucky."
"You've got a different way of calling things lucky. Are you on your way back to England?"
"No, luv, I'm coming to Rome."
"Rome!?!"
"Yes, luv. Always wanted to see you and your mother Barbara ever since you moved there."
I shook my head to clear out the cobwebs. "Why here?"