Solace & Rosanna

2003: The day was overcast with the threat of rain, but Rosanna was prepared, as always, with her umbrella tucked in her shoulder-bag as she walked uptown to Matilda’s office. She recalled the times Solace had appeared at several of their meetings looking as if she’d been through a hurricane, hair plastered, soaked and wind-blown, but sexy, nonetheless. Damned sexy. On one such memorable occasion Solace had raced into a rehearsal-late--and dropped her belongings into a nearby chair. She had then sought out Rosanna and flung her rain-soaked body at her, kissing her passionately by way of a greeting. Rosanna had flinched at the dampness pressing against her warm, dry clothes but had soon responded, enfolding Solace possessively in her arms and returning the kiss with rising arousal. Throats had cleared and they’d remembered where they were. As they breathlessly parted, Rosanna not only felt her own now damp clothes but her cheeks burning with embarrassment through the catcalls, whistles and snickers. Secretly, she had also felt a rush of pride at Solace’s unrestrained affections.

Arriving at Matilda’s office, she leaned briefly against a supporting pole holding up the building’s awning. Glancing at her watch, she realized that she was half an hour early. Her nervousness at meeting with Matilda would not allow her to stay at GSW any longer. She decided to walk to Central Park, locate an empty bench and sit down to wait. This mini trek would afford her the opportunity to compose herself before jumping into what surely might become a confrontational situation.

Rosanna’s attractively styled hair, charcoal gray pantsuit worn with a navy blue blouse and short navy-blue boots bespoke success and confidence. It conveyed the impression that this was a woman in charge of her life, a life in which most decisions and people certainly swung her way. If an interested observer could have stolen a quick peak into Rosanna Romero’s head, however, they would have been treated to a roller-coaster ride of dipping, twisting, swirling masses of emotions and thoughts. Solace, Matilda, Casey, friendship, love, and children weaved in and around the corridors of her mind--all vying for first place. Stepping onto the cobblestones of the park, she stopped to massage her lightly throbbing temples, looked up and spotted an empty bench and made her way to it. She sat down heavily. Rosanna watched passersby with a distracted air until, bored, she closed her eyes—a decidedly daring action for the streets of New York City.

She had never told either Solace or Matilda that she loved them. Whom did she love? She loved them both, but.. And where did Casey fit in? She knew the answer to that one--she simply lusted after Casey now. In the wake of Casey’s ten-year absence, the need to have her as a confidante had dwindled. She had Sam to fill that position and there was no sexual tension to get in the way. Her thoughts came to rest on their telephone conversation of the previous evening.

“Sam, you just don’t understand,” Rosanna said as she blew out an exasperated breath.

“I understand perfectly, dear. You want to have your cake and—“

“Stop right there, Sam. Why do we have so many sayings about eating something? You look good enough to eat; you’re gonna eat those words; having your cake and eating it, too… We’re such an orally-fixated society.” Rosanna leapt up from her couch and began pacing her living room.

“There’s nothing wrong with being oral, Rosie. I know I don’t have to tell you that. And don’t try to change the subject. Have you even thought of giving Solace the benefit of the doubt? You’re assuming she can’t take care of children. Have you even discussed the issue with her? Have you seen her dealing with kids? How do you know Miss Matilda will do any better?” Sam was the only person who was allowed to call her Rosie. All others paid dearly for uttering that syrupy-sweet moniker. ..

“Well, it has to be easier, Sam. Don’t you think?”

“What I think is that you should give Solace a chance and try to work on this instead of calling it quits and running off with that dreadful Harpie woman.”

“Harper, Sam…Harper,” Rosanna corrected.

“Whatever,” Sam growled.

Sam’s dislike of Matilda was a source of annoyance between them.

“She’s not dreadful. She’s organized, and punctual, and prepared for everything—just the way she should be.” Rosanna countered, stubbing her toe on a chair, releasing a silent expletive.

“And boring, and predictable and uncultured, and—“ Sam added.

“Matilda’s not uncultured, Sam. She goes to museums and photography shows. All the things I can’t share with—“ Rosanna cut her statement short…

“You are awful, Rosie Romero. You’re only seeing Solace’s shortcomings. What about her fantastic cooking, and singing, and dancing and creativity? Ms. Harpie doesn’t have a creative molecule in her entire body. She’s so…passive!” Sam shuttered as if the mere mention of the word gave him gooseflesh.

“Sam, I run a successful business that takes a lot of my concentration and effort. I need at least one aspect of my life to be simple.”

“Simple is boring, Rosie, and you know you would be climbing the walls. Solace is fun, and crazy, and talented and all those things a good gay woman should be!” Sam giggled.

“Sam, you are crazy! Why do I even try to discuss this with you? Can’t you even try to see where I’m coming from here?”

“I refuse to go there, Ro, and I hope you turn around before it’s too late and you’re stuck with Harriet Harpie. I think she likes you just because you remind her of a strong, cute guy.”

“You jerk! Matilda’s never been with any men.” Rosanna said indignantly.

“No, but does she tap into your feminine side?” Sam asked.

“You’ve been reading too much of that pop-psychology crap, Sam. I don’t even tap into my feminine side,” Rosanna growled.

“You need to do that Ro. It’ll keep you sensitive and balanced. I am totally in tune with my feminine side and it helps keep my karma flowing in the right direction.

“Spare me, Sam. We all know about your feminine side and we’re trying to avoid it at all costs. And where did you get the erroneous idea that you were in any way balanced?” Rosanna countered.

“Say what you want, but Solace balances you out. I get good vibes whenever we’re all together..

“Good vibes. On that note, I’m saying goodbye.” Rosanna picked up a pencil and snapped it in two, tossing the pieces in a nearby waste basket.

“Go ahead and run, but—“ Sam began, but Rosanna cut him off.

“And how’s Peter?”

“Touché. We can talk about him next time. I’m sure you have to get to bed and so do I. I have a big shoot tomorrow.”

“I’m sure you do. Goodnight, Sam.”

“Goodnight, Rosie.” Sam’s voice rang with merriment, belying the fact that he would be going to bed any time soon. Rosanna knew that he would be up for hours on his computer, chatting away. He had actually met some pretty suspicious characters, and Rosanna was forever sending up warning flares, which he steadfastly ignored.

There was no way she was going to be able to sleep in her state of mind. Her eyes, alighted on her upright piano and she move towards it. She stroked its burnished cover. Pulling out the bench, she sat down and began to play a Mozart sonata. As her fingers glided over the keys, she felt a calmness wash over her. She played for two hours, ending one piece and launching into another until sheer exhaustion overtook her and she went to bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

Sam wore blinders when it came to Solace and it was useless to try to engage him in an objective conversation. She would have to make a decision for herself—and then she would ask her grandmother if she had made the right one. She waited impatiently for her return from Puerto Rico. Rosanna supposed she was suffering from the old cliché, which allowed for loving two people for different reasons. The fact that she was even thinking about love caused her to break out in a light perspiration. She had admitted it, though, and it was true. She did love Solace very much. The past month had been hellish. She also loved Matilda, but not enough upon which to build a life. But she had broken it off with Solace. Rosanna’s confetti-like thoughts coalesced into a single wish--she fervently longed for Solace to be fully sighted. This fact clouded Rosanna’s vision of their future. She wanted Solace to be able to share every aspect of her life, and she also felt that Solace needed to be able to see to care for their children. God, that had a wonderful sound—their children. She thrilled with the warm sentiment. She knew Solace was capable of doing almost anything she set her mind on, but she could not get beyond the child issue. Surely they must require two sighted parents. Rosanna had never seen blind parents, and she was having difficulty imagining the possibility. She felt someone standing over her and opened her eyes. She checked her watch; it was five o’clock sharp. Matilda stood above her, smiling faintly, her hair pulled away from her lovely face by an elegant headband.

“Hi there,” she said, her voice quiet and even. Rosanna hadn’t heard her approach. She could feel a blush creep up to the roots of her hair. Thankfully, Matilda could not read her traitorous thoughts.

“Hi,” Rosanna said as she got to her feet, pulled Matilda into an embrace and kissed her lightly on the cheek. She could feel Matilda stiffen, her eyes darting back and forth to see if anyone was around who might know her.

“I came out, looked up and down the avenues, and spotted you. May I join you in your thoughts?” she said nervously.

“Let’s walk down the park,” Rosanna said, side-stepping the question.

Matilda felt the sting of rejection but decided to forge ahead.

“How was your day, Rosanna? How’s that new instructor working out?” She knew that this topic would be good for at least a few blocks. Butterflies danced in her stomach and she was not ready to launch into the real reason they were meeting.

“He’s…direct. I think his background in the military has affected him. He knows his stuff, but I think he doesn’t yet get that these are students and not recruits. I should never have trusted Debbie with the hiring.” Rosanna said through clenched teeth.

“But that’s why you pay her, Rosanna. She’s supposed to do that and she wouldn’t have hired him if she didn’t believe he was up to the job. You can’t do everything in the company. You’ve got to delegate responsibility and then trust that the right decisions will be made,” Matilda said reasonably. Her hands were behind her back, head slightly bowed and she spoke with finality as if this were a stance she had taken in the past or perhaps had been taken with her.

“You’re right, of course, but my gut feeling tells me that he’s going to be trouble and our reputation might suffer as a result.”

“He’s on probation, right? Just have Debbie keep an eye on him and if he steps out of line, then you can step in and reprimand him or fire him, if need be.”

“You’re right again, Mattie. I just hate to see the students being treated as if they’re in boot camp. Getting Started With is about fun as much as learning, no matter how old you are,” Rosanna said with conviction. Her aim for GSW was to hire competent but fun and innovative instructors who fueled the students’ passion for learning through imaginative techniques.

“A little discipline never hurt anyone,” Matilda said off-handedly.

“You think it’s all right that he beat the students into submission?” an edge creeping into Rosanna’s voice.

“No. I just think that if they aren’t guided by a strong, firm hand, they won’t reach their full potential.”

“Ah,” came Rosanna’s non-committal reply. Strike one. What would Matilda be like with their children?

Taking Rosanna’s reply for consent, Matilda looped her arm in Rosanna’s, who raised an eyebrow but kept walking. It was not like Matilda to be openly affectionate. She was always concerned with someone from her office finding out about her personal life. Rosanna chafed at this, but so far had kept her comments regarding being “out” to herself.

Rosanna cared little for the reactions and opinions of others. The only people she wanted to please were her mother, her abuelita, and…Solace…and Mattie. Right?

Snap out of it, Romero! Rosanna chided herself. You’re with Matilda and the two of you definitely need to talk. She stopped, turned to Matilda and took both of her hands in hers.

“Let’s get a cab.” Rosanna walked to the curb, not waiting for Matilda’s reply. She hailed a taxi and ushered Matilda inside. The driver sped off before they had sufficient time to fasten their seatbelts and they were jolted back against the seat.

“I’m not sure we should be having such an important conversation in a restaurant, Rosanna.” Mattie said, her hands fumbling with the buckle.

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” Rosanna said agreeably, thinking it might be best if they weren’t near food or drink, which could be handily thrown at her.

“Why don’t we go somewhere neutral? How about that atrium area on fifty-seventh street under all those clocks? There are chairs there, and I’m sure we can find a seat that’s out of the way of other ears.” Matilda suggested.

“Great,” replied Rosanna and gave the driver the new address.

“Why didn’t you tell me that when you got in? Now I have to—“ the driver complained.

“Look, we’re telling you now, okay? Don’t worry. We’ll pay the extra.” Rosanna said in a tone that made it clear that she was not in the mood to argue.

Rosanna and Matilda located a seat in a corner of the atrium. For several minutes they simply stared at each other and around the vast space, neither wanting to be the first.

Matilda broke the silence, “Rosanna, I know that running out on you was wrong, but I was confused and I couldn’t take it that you had almost slept with your old high school friend. But I do love you and I want to make it work. We can make it work.”

Oh God, she had said the word ‘love’. She loves me. How can I do this to her? “Mattie, I…I know you needed time, and I probably did as well, but…” Rosanna interrupted. She fiddled nervously with her wrist-watch as she spoke.

Matilda cut her off.

“Rosanna, we can see the world, do anything, go anywhere. There are no

limitations on what we can do. We have similar tastes and personalities. We’re perfect together.”

As Rosanna listened to Matilda, certain phrases popped out at her. It seemed that Matilda was taking direct aim at Solace and her visual impairment. And I provided the ammunition so willingly. I complained about Solace and then I slept with Matilda. What a piece of work I am! How am I going to get out of this without hurting Matilda? I used her. But a small voice whispered that they had used each other. She began again.

“Matilda, I…we… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leading you on.

“What?” Matilda’s voice was quiet, but Rosanna noticed her hands were trembling.

“I love you, too, but…

“You’re finally saying the words I want to hear, but I don’t think I want to hear the rest,” said Matilda, a slight tremor in her voice as well.

“I… This is not… I’ll just have to say it. Oh God, Matilda, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Rosanna’s mouth felt as though it were filled with sand. She longed for a diet soda.

“Oh, you’re not in love with me. And I suppose that when we made love you weren’t in love with me. What was that, Rosanna? Was I just some amusing past-time or your latest plaything?” Matilda’s voice began to rise in volume and pitch.

“No. You know I’m not that kind of person, Mattie. We both enjoyed our lovemaking—“ Rosanna started, but was cut off.

“You mean our having sex then because you said you didn’t love me.” Said Matilda sarcastically.

“Mattie, I love so many things about you. In many ways, we fit perfectly together. But I don’t know. We… I need more.” Rosanna said as calmly as she could.

“More what? More women?”

“Not more women, just one woman.” Rosanna said softly.

“Ah…Solace. Is that it, Rosanna? You need Solace? Why do you need Solace? Does she make you feel like a big hero? Do you get your kicks helping a poor blind woman?” Matilda spat.

“Matilda, do not go there.” Rosanna’s voice was low and menacing. She could feel her anger rising like a wave.

“Oh, of course, you don’t want me to talk about her now. You only used me when you needed someone to spill your guts to about her.” Matilda rose, and began to gather her belongings. She had not wanted to think that Rosanna would break up with her, but that was exactly what was happening and she wasn’t going to stay here and be humiliated.

“Mattie, please.” Rosanna stood up as well. She reached out to put a hand on Matilda’s arm to delay her departure. The resounding slap to her face rang through the atrium and caused her to fall back into her seat. Heads turned to see from which direction the sound had come but just as quickly turned away. Rosanna sat stunned, holding her burning cheek.

“You bitch! Go back to your little disabled woman. I hope you’re really happy and have lots of little blind kids!” Mattie shouted, snatching up her bag and striding briskly away before Rosanna could rise to her feet and stop her. She also made a hasty retreat because she did not want Rosanna to see the tears stinging her eyes. She had let her temper get the best of her and had said some unforgivable words, which she knew would not be forgotten.

Rosanna stood, straightened her suit jacket, slung her bag over her shoulder and walked slowly out of the atrium. It certainly had not gone as planned, but how did she think it would go? She had genuinely cared for Matilda but she felt compelled to do the honorable thing. Matilda wanted Rosanna’s heart, but that had been stolen by a beautiful, talented, sensuous, auburn-haired, lunatic. She now desperately required advice from her abuelita on how to get Solace Tynan back.