copyright @ calibeachgirl
all rights reserved, 2010
Evening, December 26th
Alessa's suite, North Shore Estate
Alessa....
As Dana was talking to Philip, I wondered what he was thinking. It was almost as if I could see his mind attempting to absorb such a huge amount of so strange information and trying to make sense of it... sense of it as it affected us.
As it affected us... four short words that would decide if there would be a future for us, for Philip and me, for Philip and Maria...
I felt the hugest obstacle in his acceptance was Michael. During the last few months, when I had begun to consciously consider having Philip in my life beyond that of a devoted bodyguard, beyond that of a close friend... to truly have him as a lover for as long as I could, for as long as he wanted me, I timidly brought my wishes and questions to Dana.
I had met with her at odd hours, sometimes during the day, sometimes late at night when Maria was still working. I needed to understand my own experiences, good and bad, before I could understand how Philip might fit in the rest of my life.
And, there was always going to be the question of Maria... if I indeed wanted Philip to love me, how would I feel about her? how would she feel about me? how would she feel about him. Would she accept him, however reluctantly? Would she resent him, feeling him a threat to our own relationship?
There were so many questions I had no answer to... at that time.
Dana helped me put my own shattered feelings together so that I could explain them to myself. She helped me explain them to Maria... and to Michael. I didn't know if she had helped me enough to explain to, to convince Philip to love me enough to accept what I desired, what I wanted, what I needed.
And, now, Dana had left the three of us alone, promising to talk to him whenever he wished, to help us make this work.
Returning to the living room, I sat down next to him, hoping to see something... something, even if it was disgust and he was searching for a polite way out... out of the room, out of the Corporation, out of my life.
Maria disappeared. I think she realized that when she spoke to him just two days ago, she was too forceful, leaving him no choice in the affair, it was either 'my way or the highway' and didn't allow him that much time to make a choice. Somehow, I had forgotten that he had slept with Maria just last night.
I got up from the relative dimness of the living room, went into the brightness of the kitchenette and made some hot chocolate. I didn't know if he wanted something like hot chocolate at such a late hour, it was now almost ten o'clock but I needed something to do while he worked out whatever he was thinking.
I was going to use something from the good set of china but felt a couple of mugs were more in keeping with us. Not something all shiny and pretty and so fragile that setting them down without great care would shatter them into a million pieces so small that they would never be able to come together again.
The mugs were honest. Strong and unassuming, able to take some hard knocks without cracking and if there were a few chips here and there, they were only a testament to the solidness they possessed.
He had been able to sit down at the table without my knowing. I shouldn't have been surprised, after all, he had been Secret Service and I knew by then that Jimmy had trained everyone of his men to his own high standards.
I set his cup down, my own nervousness showing as I rattled it against the tabletop, sloshing some out. I went to get a paper towel to wipe it up but as my hand approached the spill, he grabbed my hand, not roughly, not gently, just 'matter of factly' and held it, just looking at it, his other hand fingering my commitment ring.
I tried to sit down on my chair but he refused to release me and pulling me to him, sat me down on his lap. I could feel his erection beneath me, pulsing with a life of its own... its hardness demanding my attention. Squirming on his lap only made it worse and I tried to sit still even as it pushed between the cheeks of my butt.
I felt his face bury itself into my once-again blown-out golden hair and inhale, breathing deeply my scent and taking me within him.
All this time, Philip had not said a single word and even though I knew he was aroused, it might just be one of those things that meant nothing for the future.
I shifted around, I didn't want my back to him, pushing against him and moved enough so that I could hook my left arm around his neck to support me.
I was still waiting for him to say something, anything.
The silence was deafening... and killing me.
As much as I physically enjoyed sitting on his lap, appreciating his arousal pressing even harder against me, I was becoming uncomfortable emotionally.
I wanted to get up; he wouldn't let me. I gave up and sat there, wondering what we were going to do. Going to bed and having sex didn't seem to be his destination or he would have already had his face between my thighs.
I became bothered and aroused thinking about that picture floating through my mind and I felt myself becoming amazingly damp. How could that one night with him affect me so passionately?
I don't know why I had ever thought Michael was a better bed partner than Philip was. It had to be the excitement of the moment. I had enjoyed Michael, especially since he had known so many different oral techniques because of his sisters. But, thinking of him, even being with him, did not exhilarate me as Philip did.
Even though Michael said last night I was the only reason he had regained his manhood and his ability to fully please a woman, I had soon realized that Michael was just my friend, not my lover.
I was in love with Philip. My history with him, the slow and gentle and stimulating and arousing courtship that he and I had experienced since October had made us feel like an engaged couple.
Our night together had been a re-awakening, something not felt since I had been with Jimmy.
Emotionally, I felt that night we were more than an engaged couple but still... still less than a bride and groom.
How much more would I learn about myself? I knew that I could never sleep again with Michael, as much as I liked him and physically appreciated his oral skills in bed. How I wished that he would be able to transfer that ability to satisfying Maria enough that she would be pleased with just him.
I didn't want to share Philip with her. He was mine.
"About last night..." I had to open the subject while I still had the courage, hoping to explain about Michael.
"Alessa, I'm SO sorry, I should have never..." He had trouble finding the words.
"Slept with Maria?" I hoped that was what he wanted to say.
