Sister Golden Hair Delight Ch 35

Chapter 35

Our passion burned hot, too fast, too uncontrollable

copyright @ calibeachgirl

All rights reserved, 2010

Late morning, Tuesday, December 18th

Zuma Beach, Malibu...

Alessa...

We walked side-by-side, heading toward the beach. His companions were nowhere to be seen. Was it safe enough we didn't need them, Christmas coming and all, or did he just tell them to stay away so we were alone in our own tiny secret world?

A sharp tangy breeze came in from the sea and my left hand reached up to keep my silly sun hat from blowing away; somehow, somehow my other hand was his to have. His warmth and nearness took away the chill of the wind and I looked up at him, stumbling over something unseen on the ground.

Before I could collapse to the sand, he reached out and brought me to him, holding me closely. I imagined him never releasing me from his embrace, looking into the depths of my copper-flecked amber eyes, moving in to kiss me. I would put my hands on his face, pulling him down to my lips, wrapping my arms around his neck, uncaring that my hat might have flown away in the wind, touching him, gently mouth to mouth, lips to lips, my tongue exploring with a sudden urgency that made me forget where we were, who we were, finally throwing my heart and soul into the searing heat of his embrace.

'Merry Christmas, darling,' was all I wanted to say between his kisses.

I opened my eyes, wondering why he had stopped walking, the moment lost. I felt his Blackberry vibrating and then saw one of the security men waving his arms and running as fast as possible toward us.

"Damn, can't get a moment alone... Alessa, I'm..."

I put a finger to his lips and just said, "shhh, it's all right, Philip. I understand." But, of course, I didn't. I was the CEO and everything that took place here was my business. What was happening that he couldn't even tell me?

"Philip... yes, we're coming." He put the Blackberry back in his pocket, and we hurried back to the building.

**********

I reached for the bowl of M&Ms that weren't there anymore. By now, everyone around me was on a 'candy' watch making sure that I didn't sneak in chocolates or cookies. They were too observant for my own good and I was left with only chewing gum, which soon hurt my mouth too much to continue.

It's been five months, now and I was no longer able to pretend I could keep up with the work. It was just too damn much between the baby and still thinking of Jimmy. I was also worried about Maria, Michael and now Philip.

The irony about that was Philip was supposed to be the one worrying about me. How much time, I wondered, did he do that; how much time did he just think about me? I knew he did. As our walks became more than just an exercise... our physical closeness... did it mirror our emotional closeness? I was falling in love with him, of that I was sure. Was he falling in love with me or was I just someone he was trying to comfort through a bad time in her life?

Could he possibly, truly be interested in a pregnant woman? A woman, who above all else was his employer? Would he jeopardize his situation by playing with my emotions? And, even though it was California and a diverse cultural environment, would he want to be permanently attached with a black, well, bi-racial woman, one who is bi-sexual? Hard questions hammered my heart. What were the answers?

Moving Michael into Mary's position was a good move. He was smarter than I had given him credit for and the transition was a smooth one for both of us. Not only was the office running smoother than before but he had asked permission to make improvements where he found they were needed.

Mary has been working so hard on the Ventura Project that I demanded she take a week off before Christmas and spend more time with her family. Jimmy's death had forced me to look at the time given for personal relationships and realize that they were more important than any business except protecting the country. Jimmy had made that sacrifice and we're all alive but he is gone.

Maria had told me the completely terrifying story but... I will always miss my Jimmy and know that he would haunt my life as long as I lived.

In the office, Michael was once again the man that had commanded fighter pilots in every way but as soon as we came home to the apartment, he reverted to a submissive personality. Maybe I would talk to Maria about leaving him in her old apartment by himself and let him 'find' himself all over again without our hovering presence.

Maria and I were trying so hard to bring him away from that way of thinking. I was beginning to think it was a lost cause. How could we change almost thirty years of conditioning in just a few months? I had no answer.

My short life with Jimmy seemed a million years ago and I was afraid that I would lose my memory of him, how he sounded when he whispered his love to me, how he held me when we made love, how his smile looked when he saw me.

The only thing I really had, besides the baby, was the recording he made before he left with Maria for the Pacific. Even there, he had his sense of humor but his love for Miriam, Maria and me was so obvious. It was the main reason that I eventually became lovers with her. We started with him in common and then built our own relationship on that.

She knew about my growing feelings for Philip and I knew about her fear that our love would change. I believed it would expand to include him, not replace Maria in my heart. I knew that Philip was obsessed with me, a pregnant woman carrying another man's child. I also knew in my heart that Philip had probably guessed there was something between Maria and myself but I wasn't sure if he had reached a final, true conclusion or what he would do about it.

I knew that if we were to move our own relationship further I would have to tell him. It occurred to me that I have known him so much longer than I had known Jimmy.

Had my love with Jimmy been doomed from the start? Did our passion burn too hot and too fast and too uncontrollable to survive longer than it did?

Why did God take him away from me? Why did God take Miriam away from him? Why did God have Maria suffer those many years waiting for him to welcome her into his arms and love her?

Jimmy had a place in his soul for the three women in his life and I had hoped that I could understand how he did it. Afraid to admit it even to myself, I was in love with Philip. Afraid to admit it but I had no real idea how to tell him about Maria and me and what we were to each other, what we did with each other. Afraid that he would never accept it and leave me and I would be alone, again.

It was one of those impossible Southern California December mornings. The seasonal rains had finally arrived, bringing a small respite to the continual drought the state had been suffering through, the skies were so clear and blue it was as if I had fallen into a tourist picture postcard.

Philip arrived on time to take me for my morning 'baby' exercise. This time, I had insisted that we go outside. It was too beautiful a day to stay inside. I wanted fresh air, I wanted to feel the wind on my face, I wanted to smell the ocean. I wanted a taste of freedom, even if it was for only a fleeting moment in the day.

"Philip, let's go for a walk outside, please. As those two will tell you, I do my best thinking when I'm just walking around." Since Jimmy left me, all I can do is walk and think about business matters and what might have been. The problem was, lately I was thinking about Philip more and more.

Philip held out his hand, pulled me up from the couch and helped me with my three sizes too large windbreaker. As we walked outside, he handed me a wide-brimmed hat from the table near the door. "Don't want to see you get too dirty, or sunstroke."

He seemed to stare at me a moment too long, a moment too private, straight into the depths of my soul. What hold did he seem to have on me? Was he a 'rebound' romance also doomed to self-destruct?

**********

My psychologist, the same one that Maria and I had chosen to help Michael rise from his own hell, was convinced that the dynamics of my life were changing too rapidly as I worked to fill the void caused by Jimmy's passing.

"How are things with you today, Alessa?" she had asked as I carefully settled onto the overstuffed chair. Her office looked more like a friendly den than an office. Of course, I knew it was necessary to put her patients at ease.

"Work is all right, if the day had about an extra twenty hours in it. But..."

She surprised me by cutting me off, the first time she ever interrupted my ramblings. "Are you working too hard, Alessa? I'm afraid that you have become so preoccupied with what you have to do that you're neglecting everything and everyone else. What are you going to do when the baby arrives?"

"I... I hadn't really thought about that. It doesn't seem to be real yet, even though I can feel the baby kicking strongly. And I look in the mirror. It's just that..." I really hadn't thought about it... Jesus, what an idiot I was.

I was red-faced with embarrassment.

"Don't worry, we've plenty of time to worry about it, dear. Why did you come, today?"

"I have a personal problem..."

"Alessa, all our problems are personal problems."

"I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. There's this man I've been seeing. Am I disrespecting Jimmy... seeing someone? The baby hasn't even been born yet and I'm thinking about someone else."

"Jimmy had been the ultimate 'alpha male,'" as she put it. "Strong women are drawn to strong men, even those women that somehow might have submissive men serving them. It's a natural attraction; strength wants strength. And, woman to woman, I personally think that deep down inside, every woman wants a man to sweep her off her feet, to love her above all else, to bring her to a passionate height unreachable by herself or with a lesser man."

'Wow,' I thought, 'never saw that coming,' but the more I thought about it after I left her office, the more sense it seemed to make to me.

Why was I attracted to Philip? It was true that we were together several hours each day, rain or shine, indoors or out. Just the happenstance of familiarity had to have something to do with it. Even so, that should have fostered friendship at the most. I was beginning to feel the same way about him as when I saw my Jimmy... my heart beat just a little bit faster, my skin was just a little bit warmer and my breathing became so rapid I could almost faint.

God, I hoped there was more to it than that.

Are all our thoughts and actions just the result of chemical activities running through our bodies? Is everything just so that genes can be passed from one generation to the next without regard to what those genes have created?

Is there no such thing as love? Is it just the physical reaction to pheromones? Do we have no choice in who we love?

I could now understand Maria's original relationship with Michael. To her credit, though, she immediately acknowledged she wanted a strong man in her life and together we worked to bring Michael back.

To discover there were women who matter-of-factly found men to control, to have numerous sexual partners and have their husbands accept and support it, was a new and very strange concept I had never considered. I knew I had led a sheltered life before meeting Jimmy but these revelations brought my ignorance of the world to a completely new level.

I promised myself that I would investigate these things on the 'net when I had nothing better to do, which meant I probably wouldn't get around to it before the baby was born or I forgot about it entirely.

"You are subconsciously seeking your new 'alpha' and that Philip is the one that fulfills that desire."

"How did you know?" I asked, unaware that I was so transparent in my actions.

"Oh, Alessa, I've seen how he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching. More importantly, I've seen how you look at him and act around him. Even now, I can see it in your face.

"Alessa, please be careful. You are very vulnerable emotionally right now. I would hate to see you make a dangerous mistake.

"Have you spoken to Maria about him? With you two being lovers, I would hope that you've spoken to her about this before now. How do you think this will work out? Are you willing to share Philip with her if it comes down to that? Could you justify splitting your affections between the two of them?"

Is that what Jimmy had done? Did he split his affections between the three of us? ...or did he find a way to expand his heart large enough to love all three of us?

She had given me plenty to think about and I felt worse than when I had walked in.

**********

Early morning, Thursday, December 20th

Flying to Hawaii

Philip....

At the Imperial Highway side of LAX, the Corporation's jet was undergoing its final checks. The crew of eight, two pilots and six attendants were putting last minute items aboard for the 2550-mile flight to Honolulu. Bottled water and sodas had been pre-chilled and now loaded onto the plane. Alessa had extended her 'no alcohol' beliefs to include anything directly Corporation related. Food from Alessa's French restaurant had been delivered early that morning, a light breakfast buffet of fresh fruit, pastries, and assorted Italian cold-cuts and six Honey-baked hams.

The buses bringing everyone had just left the small terminal and the 87 guests boarded the plane, signing in with Rico and his roster as they entered.

There always was an unreal aspect to boarding the plane in the morning darkness, lights illuminating the aircraft but leaving the background unseen blackness.

As a courtesy to the pilots, Jim always had the plane leave LAX in the morning on Pacific flights to keep the morning sun out of their eyes.

Linda, principal flight attendant, double-checked the passenger list twice and did three counts. She was one of the few women at the memorial service that wore black.

At one time, I considered hooking up with her but our schedules were so different it wouldn't have been possible and I was told she slept around too much.

Satisfied that everyone was aboard, Rico closed the plane's door and told the pilot. With this many people we had to take the big plane.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain, Van Greenwilder. For those of you who haven't flown with us before, this is a Boeing 767-200ER, one of the best planes flying today. We've had most of the seats removed so you are traveling in what would be a business class section, which should give you a very comfortable trip. Brunch will be served in about two hours; please site back and relax, take a nap...

"We'll be flying westbound today at an altitude of 35,000 feet. With the difference between time zones and our flight time of five hours thirty minutes, we will, in effect, land about one hour after we leave California.

"The tower has informed us that we have an open opportunity to take-off, so please take your seats and buckle in. Attendants, please make final checks."

The engines spooled up and the jet pulled away from the Imperial south terminal with the Beach Boys playing on the plane's sound system.

In the conference room at the front of the plane, isolated from the passengers toward the rear of the plane, Alessa and Maria sat together, quietly holding hands like young lovers. She looked at her with the greatest smile I've ever seen. I was always hoping that she would smile at me that way. I saw Maria gave her hand a gentle squeeze, leaned over and kissed her again.

I was sure there would never be a place for me within their arrangement but I was determined to try... I just didn't want to scare her off. She gave me mixed signals, every day; kissing me once in a while, accepting my embrace whenever we walked and then returning to Maria whenever they believed they were alone enough to express whatever feelings they had for each other.

I knew they were sharing the apartment, probably sleeping together, probably having sex together. While the thought of two pretty women loving each other was enough to give me an erection it also made me feel like a voyeur outside the window.

Thank God, the lights in the plane dimmed as the jet headed eastward along the taxiway toward Aviation Boulevard, hiding the embarrassment of my tightening pants.

Within minutes, the plane roared down the runway and leapt into the western sky, heading for the islands to the tune of Jan and Dean's 'Ride the Wild Surf.'

Alessa....

"Alessa?" Maria asked me, leaning over, putting her face next to mine.

I inhaled her scent. "Yes, darling?"

"Thank you. Thank you for your love, thank you for your compassion, thank you for helping me with Michael... thank you for all this."

Even though we were sitting alone in the front of the plane, I was still skittish kissing her in such a public place. She put her hand on my dress and quickly slid it under the cloth. Her fingers sought me out. I was finding myself aroused and there were almost a hundred people onboard. Damn! Maria sometimes didn't care, part of her dominant personality when we were together, controlling me, controlling my passion, controlling my body.

I couldn't wait until she could dominate me completely behind our closed doors at the North Shore estate.

As soon as the seatbelt light went dark, I left the conference room and went back to the passenger area. As much as I wanted to stay with her, I needed to get away before I did something to embarrass myself in front of everyone or need to change my panties again.

The Gylers were sitting toward the front of the passenger area, so I didn't have to walk far. Since the plane had been configured for one hundred passengers, there were several empty seats nearby and people moved so that I could have a place to sit. Jimmy's 'adoptive' parents saw me coming down the aisle and stood up. I shook hands with Sol and hugged Dara.

"Thank you for coming. I was so hoping that you would, you can't imagine..."

"Alessa, don't you worry. We've sadly accepted what happened but like you, we're still working through it. We know that you've had a difficult time working through it.

"But, now... you have found a new love, a different love.

"That doesn't mean that you've forgotten Jim nor does it mean that you are disrespecting his memory. He wanted you to be happy and now the baby...

"You're going to have his baby... we'll be there for you, whenever you need us."

"I deeply appreciate your support in this," I whispered. "Jimmy is always in my heart." I lowered my voice even more. "Do you think a woman can love, deeply love two people? That's where I am. Is that all right? God, I hope so."

"While we'll admit it is different than we expected, we love you and will be there for you, no matter what. We meant what we said about you being our daughter."

The old man, not really knowing what to say when Dara stopped speaking, just embraced me. I could only guess at the things he and his wife had gone through the last few years and what they must have been thinking when they had read my last letter to them.

"We understand and we know that Jim understands and God in His wisdom understands," she continued, "but I don't know why so many bad things have happened to all of us.

"I refuse to believe that stupidity, 'what doesn't kill you...' Alessa, that's crap.

"We've had the privilege of meeting Maria. Maybe, we can talk with her sometime before we arrive?"

"Actually, she sent me back here to ask if you would like to see her."

I brought Miriam's parents to the front of the plane where there were several couches and a coffee table.

Although inviting them to the Hawaiian Christmas trip in a long handwritten letter, I was still nervous meeting the parents of Jim's long lost love again.