Chapter 24
New Lives
Tuesday, August 9th
Alessa....
It was such a beautiful day in Southern California. There had been rain earlier during the week and now enough wind had arrived to remove most of the smog lying low on the water's horizon and it seemed like I could see all the way to China.
I was gaining weight.
I was gaining too much weigh to just be the result of eating those stupid M&Ms.
I was gaining too much weight from just eating those stupid Oreos... or, the ice cream, for that matter.
I was gaining too much weight just thinking of food.
I was gaining too much weight so I began walking up the trail twice a day for more exercise than I had been getting from the morning run.
Although I pretended to be alone enjoying the hills above Malibu, I was continually aware that just a few feet back was Philip, watching my every move and always poised to... to what? to grab me if I stumbled? to put his arms around me if I fell? to talk to me when I wanted conversation?
I couldn't understand why I was thinking of him at all. He was my bodyguard, nothing more, ready to protect me from rattlesnakes, from coyotes, from some intruder that impossibly got through the barriers first put up when Jimmy bought the property.
He was head of security for the Corporation and was responsible for far more than just walking me around the property. Who was I to second-guess Jimmy's choice of guardian?
Ever since what happened to Jimmy, I had a harder attitude toward life and people in general. Philip was a tool to be used, when I needed as I needed. Anything else would be unthinkable... unthinkable... unthinkable.
Later, when he was responsible for carrying snacks and drinks in a small cooler, two others joined us to back him up, what with his hands full and all.
I discovered later that these morning and afternoon walks were the cause of it all.
**********
I sat on the bench next to Philip, listening to the water of the vernal stream gurgle by and refusing to give up hope, however small, that he would waken soon. 'He just has to,' I told myself over and over each night as I prayed... Even so, in my lonesome heart I knew the longer he slept, the less likely he would come back to me and I would be all alone again.
Even working with Maria and my small but growing group of women, I was beginning to feel the effects of overseeing the Corporation as Jimmy's condition seemed to deteriorate further and further each day that passed.
'The actual work isn't so bad,' I kept telling myself but it just seemed like I was going through the motions for no real reason... but, too many people are depending on this company.
Although not a Catholic like he was, I knew I was giving in to the sin of despair, by tradition the sole sin that cannot be forgiven and damned absolutely in my lonely life.
Finishing my small dinner of baked salmon and sweet potatoes that Philip had brought me, I walked back into the building knowing full well the doctor would be angry with me. My own health was deteriorating... I could feel it. All the vitamins I was taking were no longer helping and my fatigue never left. I was so tired... so tired all the time.
With Maria's help, we had just been awarded seven new military contracts for satellites. At the same time, a large office building on Hawthorne Blvd. in Torrance had been bought, refurbished and fully leased.
And, all the while, except for Maria, I had no one to share it all with.
Each night, I continued to read Genesis from my Bible to Jimmy as he lay there but I was ashamed to admit my faith was faltering.
I could see no way out of my personally imposed prison of depression. If misery loved company, then I wasn't even good enough for that.
The late afternoon sun was warming the hills just a little too much and I still had hours of work ahead of me even after I tell Mary to go 'home,' even if it is only a couple of floors upward it's still out of the office.
"Philip, please take me home." My protector stood up and reached out for my hand, easily lifting me from the bench and we walked down the hill back to the main building.
**********
Morning, August 10th Medical Clinic, Crowell Corporation, Malibu
"Thank you for seeing me on short notice, Doctor Mayes."
"Don't ever think of it, Ms. Lane. What can I do for this morning?"
I was nervous and embarrassed for this was the first moment when I actually considered that I was pregnant with Jimmy's child.
"I think I might be pregnant..." My voice dropped off as if being silent could make my fear go away.
She looked at me, really not sure what to say or do. By this time it had become common knowledge that Jimmy and I had been sleeping together before the accident.
"Have you," she asked, "done a pregnancy test, yourself?"
"No, I'm just not feeling well, nauseous, gaining weight... you know and Jimmy and I have been..."
"Intimate?"
I blushed and could only nod my head. As wild as my few days with him had been I was still uneasy talking about it with someone.
"Well, why don't we start with the urine test and see where we go from there..." She handed me a small cup and lid and indicated where the examination bathroom was. "I'll wait for you right here, Ms. Lane."
I walked down the short hallway to the bathroom and closed the door... closed the door on what was probably the last moment of my 'single' life with its carefree lifestyle, if you could consider my life carefree.
I brought it back to her and waited for the results. She took the little test kit and put it into the cup and we waited.
"Well, Ms. Lane, it would seem that you are indeed pregnant. My first question has to be, what do you want to do? I know what's happening with the general has to be tearing you up inside.
"You, of course, have several options, the most obvious being to have the child. There are 'alternatives,' if you wish to discuss them."
As scared as I was, there was no question in my heart that I would keep our child.
"I want this baby." I tried to sound as brave as I could but instead broke down and cried. She held me and let me cry as long as I could.
When I had calmed down, we talked woman to woman about it.
"Ms. Lane..."
"Doctor, please call me Alessa. I would appreciate it... Ms. Lane is in my office but here, I'm just a scared girl."
"All right, Alessa... I believe that we want to keep this quiet for as long as we can until we know whether or not you will have a healthy pregnancy and then there's the question of..."
She stopped talking, immediately knowing that she had crossed an emotional line without permission.
"I'm sorry, Alessa, I didn't..."
I was comforting her, saying, "I understand, please don't worry about hurting my feelings. They've been destroyed already."
"I'm going to do everything myself so that it will just be me and you knowing about it. I'm going to take a little blood, now so that I have a sample for a better test and then we'll go through some simple questions."
I could see she was trying to be as gentle as possible inserting the needle but I still jumped a little, more from uneasiness than anything else.
Blood pressure, weight, height, pulse rate all went down into her laptop.
"Is this your first pregnancy?"
My shocked face answered that for her.
"OK, now this is probably a little embarrassing but unfortunately we've all got to go through this at one time or another. Let me help you undress and then you can get back on the table."
As each piece of clothing came off, she folded it and put it on one of the chairs. It had been a long while since I had been in a gynecologist's office and so it was embarrassing time again for me. She helped me back up and hop onto the table and put my feet into the stirrups.
I was thinking that it was like a medieval torture device for young maidens when I remembered I was pretty much in the same position the last time I had been with Jimmy.
She moved between my legs, looked closely and inserted a plastic-covered finger inside.
"Alessa... I'm looking to see if the coloration of your vulva and vaginal walls are showing an increased blood flow and they do look more purplish than if you were not."
Fingers went inside which would have been terribly erotic except that she wasn't my Jimmy and I was shivering inside.
"I'm now working up into your cervix to see if it's starting to soften some." Her fingers moved farther inside and then I could feel them touch my cervix.
Only twice before had I ever felt anything there and both times were with Jimmy when I had asked him to take my as roughly as he could.
When I mentioned it to the doctor, she told me that meant I wasn't stimulated enough at the time and so my vagina hadn't lengthened sufficiently for sex.
Imagine my surprise when I heard that. For a long time, men were saying how they were able to hit the cervix with their dicks and now it turns out they were just lousy lovers whose women weren't properly readied. Ha, ha... I had to laugh, it was so funny.
"I'm glad you are finding something funny about this," she said to me.
"Oh, Doctor, it's just that all this time men were saying how long they were because they could hit the cervix and now it just meant they were lousy in the sack."
With her fingers still inside me, she put her other hand on my stomach to feel if I had an enlarged uterus.
"Yes, my dear, you are going to have his baby. Congratulations?"
"Oh, yes, thank you."
