I was delirious from combat. The English Channel is no place for a pilot to recite patriotic poetry. Scenes from the flick where the hero babbles Rupert Brooke while he waits for the rescue plane are for bullshit pussies. I was too fucked to be a hero. To keep myself awake I kept talking. I said things like this:
"My name is Jim, Flight Lieutenant Jim Glow-worm. I'm a fighter pilot for the Royal Air Force. Squadron 223 flying Hawker Hurricanes out of Biggin Hill. My engine blew chasing an Me 109 out of Britain and over the Pas de Calais. I turned my plane around and tried to get the hell out of foreign airspace. The enemy bandit turned tail on me. The fucking sausage blew my left wing off. Fucking good shot. I was forced to bail out. Now I'm floating around like fish food in the drink. And you thought officers of the RAF didn't use the word fuck. You think we're all blooming this and ruddy that. Well fuck your thoughts."
No one was listening to me but my consciousness. I wanted someone to hear me. The sound of water splashing against my face was driving me ever more mad. I started talking again.
"My name is Jim Glow-worm. I'm a fighter pilot for the Royal Air Force. I have lost my plane but I swear I'll get another one and blow that fucking asshole all the way to hell. Do you hear me? You fucks!"
I had been given a kicking and I was ashamed of myself. I was absolutely exhausted. The dogfight had battered me. Exiting the plane had nearly finished me off. And now I was in the water. I couldn't fight sleep anymore. I passed out.
I awoke half onshore and half in the drink. There was a beach somewhere underneath me. I kicked down until I felt the bottom. I was knee deep in water. I tried to stand up. My footing was unsure. I reached for my pocket knife. I burst my life belt and cut away my jacket. My undershirt had been damaged in the struggle to exit the aircraft. The arms of my shirt were ripped off and the buttons were shot. My muscled torso was exposed as I waded through the surf and onto the beach. The sun was high. It was a hot August day. I reached into my trouser pocket and fished out a damaged pair of sunglasses. I jimmied them back into shape and put them on. Then I decided to find out where the hell I was.
Up off the beach a couple of hundred yards ahead of me I saw a road sign. That wasn't good news. There were no road signs left in British coastal towns. I knew I was on the wrong side of no-mans water. I was somewhere in France, formerly known as the land of the lovers. The Sausage had recently overrun this place. There was no love here anymore. It had become a land of sick perverts. I walked up to the road sign. It told me that the beach I had just walked across was mined.
"Achtung Minen!" it said.
I walked up to a pill box. There was no one home. I beat on the doors of the beach front buildings. No one answered. I figured my options. I could either wait until someone showed up and be taken prisoner of war or I could walk back across the mined beach and swim the twenty three miles back home. I had a think. Ten minutes later no one had showed up to take me prisoner. I got restless waiting. I pulled out my revolver and started taking pot shots at any suspicious objects on the beach. I emptied four chambers and then I clocked a fat mine. It went skywards and the clattering shudder echoed from the concrete pill box and the surrounding buildings. A few birds scattered from the rooftops. Then I heard an engine chugging in the distance. I think I had attracted somebody's attention.
A car pulled up next to me. It was a Citroen of some type. A stiff little Frenchman got out and pulled a shovel behind him. He paced up and down the perimeter of the beach a couple of times and then got back in his car.
"Hey!" I said to him
"What?" he answered in English
"Aren't you going to take me in?" I asked
"No, it is not my concern. I am from the Bureau of exploding animals. My job is to retrieve whatever is left of dogs that run onto the beach."