Shane and Carmen: the Novelization

Chapter 10 Water and Sports

Say this about the Olivia organization: It knows how to treat its people. Because Dana was a guest speaker on an Olivia-booked cruise as well as being a nationally known celebrity, she got the VIP treatment.

This began with a stretch limo that arrived to take Dana and her four guests to LAX, where they would fly to Miami, then take a feeder to Key West, where another limo would take them from the airport to the dock. There they would board the Royal Duchess Lines' MS

Duchess of Utrecht,

which Olivia had chartered for this particular cruise. Olivia was a lesbian-owned, -operated and -oriented travel, vacation, resort and cruise company that itself owned no ships, but instead chartered them from the main cruise companies as needed, and then organized its lesbian-themed cruises and did the booking.

Sometimes the Olivia cruises were made aboard the larger cruise ships that carried as many as 3,000 passengers. The Royal Duchess Line didn't try to compete with the giant cruise lines that built ever larger and larger ships carrying 2,000, 2,500, even upwards of 3,000 passengers in what were essentially floating Disney Worlds merged with floating Chuck E. Cheeses. Instead, Royal Duchess concentrated on slightly smaller ships carrying 900 to 1,500 passengers. There were no rock-climbing walls, miniature golf courses, waterfalls, or skeet-shooting ranges aboard Royal Duchess ships. Instead, the cruise line delivered a very high crew-to-passenger ratio featuring extensive high-quality service, and you always knew you were on a ship, not an amusement park with big anchors. The line featured high-quality shows and entertainment, but not of the glitzy, high-glam Las Vegas-type shows some cruise lines tried to implement. The Royal Duchess Lines' philosophy was that it built ships for people who liked to travel on ships, and if you preferred a Las Vegas milieu or a Disney environment and didn't want to dress for dinner, you didn't need to have that experience a few hundred miles out to sea or while traveling at 20 knots past an Alaskan glacier or a Caribbean paradise. Royal Duchess was class, and expected you to dress for dinner.

The girls had until 4 p.m. to board the

Duchess of Utrecht

in Key West, so the limo picked up Dana and Alice at Dana's place at 5 a.m., and then swung by Jenny and Shane's house to pick them up along with Carmen, who'd driven over and parked her Jeep there. Flying eastward, they were going to lose three hours, and had to catch a feeder flight to Key West to be aboard the ship by 4 p.m. Florida time. They were at LAX by 6 and the place was already jammed with passengers, and the people who came to the airport to pick them up or see them off. At the moment the limo pulled up at the departures area, the girls were deep into a philosophical discussion.

"Do you think that Captain Stubing got more women, or the doctor?" Alice asked.

Carmen was quick on the draw as she climbed out of the limo. "No, the captain did

not

get more women --"

"He gets so many!" Alice protested as she walked to the rear of the limo to get her suitcase from the trunk. They all had relatively small, compact luggage with rollers designed to fit into the overhead compartment aboard the plane. Well, four of them did. "And then there's Julie."

"Captain Stubing and Julie were

not

having an affair," Carmen insisted. "Okay? Did you ever watch the show? Captain Stubing was married!"

"Right. But supposedly somebody was a big homo," Alice said, singing the last two words.

"What?!" Carmen didn't believe it, and had never heard such a rumor. "No way. Gavin McLeod and Bernie Kopell were both married a couple of times, and they both had kids. There's nothing to it. But did you know Gavin McLeod's father was an Ojibway Indian?"

"No shit?" Alice asked. "Wow."

Carmen's command of TV, movies and of course music was enormous, and she was a devastating Trivial Pursuit player.

"Who cares?" Shane asked, irritated with the entire discussion from Word One. And in any event she'd never seen so much as a single episode of

The Love Boat,

and barely knew who Captain Stubing was. The show debuted on television three months before Shane was born in 1977, and three years before Carmen's birth. Bouncing around in an unstable world, Shane hadn't gotten much chance to watch TV reruns, and pop TV was one of the many gaps in her education.

"Why do we say it like being a homo is, like, some dirty secret?" Jenny picked up.

"Thank you, exactly," Carmen said to Jenny as the porter put their bags on the sidewalk. Dana got her bag and thanked and tipped the porter.

"You guys, this is fantastic, we're all carrying on," Alice said as they started to head into the terminal.

"What? No, no! No. I'm checking! I'm checking," Dana yelped. Alice gave Dana a funny, irritated look as they went inside. Shane and Carmen went first in the check-in line, with Jenny following right behind them. Dana and Alice brought up the rear, bickering.

"I don't know why you're being like this, your bag will totally fit in the overhead compartment," Alice said.

"No, it's too heavy," Dana said.

"No, it's not. Do you want me to take it, 'cause I'll switch with you," Alice said. It didn't occur to her to ask why a professional tennis player wasn't strong enough to lift her bag into the overhead.

"No! I don't! Just--" Dana's bag flipped over as she rolled it. She stopped and turned it back over. "Look, I just don't wanna put it through security, okay?"

"Why?" Alice asked

"I don't - I just don't!"

"Okay, fine, you're gonna hold everyone else up, because no one else is checking anything," Alice grumbled. She abandoned the argument and stepped up to the check-in counter. Dana hurried after her, finally abandoning the idea of checking her bag.

"Alice! Al! Al!" Dana's bag flipped over again as she tugged it. "Goddammit! Alice ..."

Carmen and Jenny grabbed their bags off the conveyor as they came out of the x-ray machine. Behind them, Shane hesitated before walking through the upright metal detector.

"Step through please, ma'am. C'mon," the Transportation Security Administration officer monitoring the walk-through said. Shane stepped through it and the detector beeped.

"Hold it there," the TSA officer said. "Okay, go over to the side, please." Shane rolled her eyes but complied as another TSA officer stepped up and began to wave a wand around her body. She was an olive-skinned woman about 40 with short black hair, and her name tag identified her as Faye.

"Dana, nobody cares about medication," Alice hissed. They put their bags on the conveyor. She pushed Dana ahead of her and through the walk-through metal detector, which stayed silent. She turned and watched just as her bag slid into the big X-ray box.

"Put your arms up," Faye said to Dana as she walked through the metal detector, which again had nothing to say.

"Thank you," the officer said. Dana turned to retrieve her bag and saw that the luggage conveyor had stopped. The TSA officer looking at the screen had a perplexed look on his face.

"Faye, come here," he said.

Faye appeared to be in charge of this inspection station. She walked over behind the conveyor to look at the X-ray monitor. The entire line had come to a halt as more and more passengers began to pay attention to the hold-up in front of them.

"I think we got something here," the X-ray examiner murmured to Faye, who leaned forward to see what was on the screen. The X-ray monitor showed objects in lurid shades of red, green and blue. And buried deep inside Dana's bag was something long and tubular, perhaps like a gun, and at one end of it at right angles was a rounded shape, perhaps suggesting the trigger guard or handle of a gun, though not a typical one.

"What is it? Some kind of a weapon?" the officer asked Faye. Faye studied it, perplexed.

"I'll have to open it up," she said. The X-ray guy started the conveyor and when the bag emerged a large black TSA officer took it and swung it onto a side table. "Ladies? Step over here, please," he said to Dana and Alice.

"Who belongs to this bag?" Faye asked.

Dana raised her hand, and glared at Alice. This was all Alice's fault.

"Open it, please." Faye stepped aside and let Dana come forward to the table to unzip the bag. Faye and the large officer faced Alice and Dana across the table.

"That's fine, step back, please," Faye ordered as soon as the bag was unzipped. Dana stepped back and stood next to Alice. Nearby, Jenny, Shane and Carmen stood with their roll-ons, waiting and watching, mystified. The regular conveyor line was working again and passengers were being passed through, but all of them were watching the drama at the inspection table.

The black inspector flipped open Dana's bag and began taking out items and putting them on the table: a few small bottles of prescription pills, soap, smaller containers of bath products, nothing over 3 ounces, clothes ...

... leather handcuffs. Then he pulled the suspicious object out of the bag. It was long and tubular, all right, but unexpectedly the business end terminated in a knob, not a gun barrel. At the other end it was connected to a leather device and a series of straps.

"What ... the ... hell ... is ... ."

Dana hid her face in her hands.

He held up the strap-on and dildo in plain sight of everyone. Carmen and Jenny gasped. Shane closed her eyes, whispering, "No, no, no ... ." Suddenly Alice realized what she'd done. This

was

her fault, because she overrode Dana's desire to check the bag. And now she had to try to get Dana off the hook.

"Just -- it --" Alice babbled. She stepped forward, grabbed the strap-on and held it to her own crotch, demonstrating its position. The gasp from the onlookers was so audible the man watching the X-ray machine even turned around to take a look.

"'Kay?" Alice asked, as though it was all a silly mistake, no big deal, just your basic Caribbean cruise accessory, a 9-inch pink-colored Royal Fusilier, complete with a modest set of hairless testicles.

Faye looked at Alice a moment, then smiled.

"Great," Alice said, putting the strap-on down on the table. Dana stood paralyzed and six shades of purple.

The black TSA inspector reached into the suitcase and pulled out a chain with small clamps on the end.

"Yeah," Alice said, "nipple clamps." She turned and mumbled to Dana under her breath, "When did you get those?" Dana shrugged, speechless. "Baby!" Alice said, and she and Dana suddenly started to giggle.

Faye took the nipple clamps from her associate and held them up. "You can't take these on the plane, ladies. You know better than that." She put the chain and clamps in her pants pocket. Dana looked sad. Faye said, "You can go ahead and pack this back up now."

"Great," Alice said, and she stepped up to help Dana throw all her stuff back into the suitcase. Carmen, Jenny and Shane stood down the corridor, amazed and giggling themselves.

"Oh, my god," Jenny said. She leaned over to whisper to Shane and Carmen, "I know I'm relatively new to this lesbian business, but can somebody explain to me how you hijack an airplane using a pair of nipple clamps?" Shane and Carmen both grinned and shrugged.

"Have fun," Faye said, winking at Alice knowingly.

"Yeah! Good, thanks!" Alice said, leading Dana and her suitcase off down the corridor toward the waiting airplane.

***

"Can you believe this? We're actually on a cruise, Jenny!" Carmen said as she collected her

Duchess of Utrecht,

ship ID badge at the entry port gangplank reception station. "It's going to be fun!" Carmen was always the happiest of people, and her enthusiasm for the cruise was infectious, as was her enthusiasm for most everything.

Jenny grinned as she and Shane waited for their badges, which came out of the lamination machine a moment after Carmen's. Dana and Alice came right behind. The group entered the ship and walked down a passageway that led to the center of the ship, an atrium three decks tall, in the middle of which was a giant, modernistic sculpture of a sea horse made of blocks of glass. Shane took one look at it and hated it. Off to the side there was a greeting area where a number of passengers had collected. To one side there was a table set up in front of a large banner that read, "Welcome, OWLs." In front of the banner and behind the table stood five older women who were handing out brochures and greeting passengers.

"Ladies, welcome to OWLs," a spokeswoman for the group announced. "It stands for 'older, wiser lesbians.' We talk about how spirituality and sexuality are combined, and our definition of 'orgasm' is that it is the kiss of God that brings ecstasy to consciousness."

Jenny and Shane smiled at each other as they passed the OWLs. "Gimme some of them God kisses," Jenny murmured and Shane grinned, nodding.

"Oh, yeah," she said. "Love that consciousness ecstasy thing."

Just then a young passenger started exclaiming, "Dana! Dana Fairbanks!" and in a moment a flock of young women had surrounded Dana, waving notepads and pens and clamoring for autographs. "Oh, over here, over here, let me have your autograph," one said.

"All right," Dana said, enjoying the attention and happily signing everything they handed to her.

Alice notice two ship's officers standing nearby to welcome passengers aboard. They both wore dazzling white uniforms with shoulder epaulets that described their ranks. Alice didn't understand or care about rank. That they happened to be pursers was lost on her; they could have been admirals for all she knew or cared.

"Hi. How are you? I'm Alice. Nice to meet you," she said, shaking hands.

"Nice to meet you," they said, and Alice gently pulled one of them aside.

"Can I ask you a question?" Alice asked, whispering.

"Yes, sure," the officer said.

Alice whispered in his ear. The officer broke into a muted smile.

"Sure," he said. "That can be arranged."

"Yeah? We'll talk?" Alice asked, reading and memorizing his name badge.

The officer nodded.

"Okay. Excellent," Alice said.

While Alice waited for Dana to finish with the autograph hunters, Carmen, Jenny and Shane went off to find their stateroom, MS-634. It was on the starboard side of the Mediterranean Deck about three-quarters the way aft, near the elevator bank located furthest aft. The Mediterranean Deck was the first deck that mainly held staterooms, almost all of them smaller two-and three-person rooms. The deck had two corridors running fore and aft, like the aisles on a passenger jet. On the outboard sides, each stateroom had one porthole, while the inboard staterooms had none. The next deck up was the Caribbean Deck, which featured larger and more deluxe staterooms and a few suites, and the outboard staterooms on that deck had small verandas accessible through sliding glass doors.

Carmen led Jenny and Shane down their corridor, and placed her electronic key card in the lock to open the door to MS-634. She stepped into the stateroom, looked around, and sighed. Jenny and Shane came in behind her.

"I thought we were supposed to have a suite," Carmen said. There was nothing "wrong" with the stateroom; it was nice and clean and neat ... and small. Or at least, smaller than expected. There was a large double bed, and opposite a small sofa that made into a bed. There was a credenza with a flat-screen television on it, a modest closet, and a door that led to a nice but compact bathroom with a nice but compact shower stall. Carmen and Jenny could technically both fit into the shower at the same time, but they were spoiled, showering together and playing their water sports in the full-size tub at home.

Jenny looked around. "Well, I have an idea," she said. "Why don't we all sleep together, and Carmen, you can sleep in the middle."

Shane and Carmen both turned to look at Jenny, then both looked away without saying anything.

"I'm going to go explore," Jenny said brightly, and turned and left the stateroom.

"Even for Jenny, she's acting weird," Shane said.

Carmen nodded. "Let's go find Alice and Dana," she said.

***

Alice led the way down the only corridor on the Isle of Capri Deck. This was a smaller deck four levels higher than the Mediterranean Deck and it housed the ritziest and most exclusive suites and deluxe staterooms. Alice put her key card in the slot and opened the door.

"Fuck!" she gasped.

"Oh, my god. This is sweet!" Dana said, entering the stateroom and gazing around, dazzled.

Alice spotted a bouquet of fresh roses on the table, with a small card. "Aww," she said, and picked up the card and began to read. "Welcome aboard, Dana Fairbanks and friends. We hope you enjoy your time with us. From Olivia Cruise. P.S., Thank you, Alice, for talking up our cruise on your show."

"That was nice!" Dana said.

"Yeah, I made that last part up," she said, putting the card down and looking around. The suite really was magnificent. The door they'd come through opened up into a large and comfortable sitting area that had two opposing sofas, two chairs, a 50-inch, wide-screen TV, and a coffee table. The room was irregularly shaped, and curved sinuously into what became the master bedroom. This featured a bed large enough to sleep Madonna, J-Lo and both their bands, side by side, so it seemed. To the outboard side, the entire wall was glass, with a sliding glass door leading out onto a balcony that overlooked the ship's lifeboats. The balcony was large enough to include four large deck chairs and two small tables, and with room to spare. There were two separate closets, one on each side of the giant bed, which faced yet another 50-inch TV. Off to the side was a door leading to a bathroom that took Alice's breath away. It was glitzy and gold and featured marble and granite everywhere, and a shower stall that could comfortably fit three people; it even had a seat large enough for two to sit side-by-side under a multitude of sprays.

Porters had already brought their suitcases to the stateroom, and Alice and Dana were unpacking when Shane and Carmen knocked on their door. When Dana let them in, they were stunned by how nice -- and large -- Dana's stateroom was.

"I gotta get me one of these Olivia gigs," Carmen said, unabashedly snooping in all the nooks and crannies of the suite.

"C'mon, let's go up on deck and watch the ship leave," Alice said. "Then we can go watch Dana's first appearance. She's one of the panelists in a presentation on the St. Tropez Deck at 6:30. Phoebe Sparkle is gonna talk about relationships. That ought to be really hot. Then we can have dinner. We're all in the 8 p.m. seating."

***

They met up with Jenny at the entrance to the panel discussion, which was held in a roped-off area on the open St. Tropez Deck near the ship's large outdoor swimming pool. There was a table at one end with chairs and microphones for the four panelists, one of whom was Dana, and for the panel moderator. Dana was nervous and Alice squeezed her hand as she left the group to take her place at the table next to the legendary Phoebe Sparkle, sexologist, author, speaker, sex magazine columnist, Internet phenomenon, internationally known bisexual, and TV and radio personality. Although the cruise featured two dozen celebrities from academia, politics, Hollywood, the Broadway stage, music, art, literature and sports, there was no doubt Phoebe Sparkle wore the crown of top celebrity aboard. A trim, handsome woman with auburn hair and a crooked smile in her late thirties, Phoebe at rest or in repose gave little hint to her true character; she almost looked like she could be chairwoman of the local PTA. But the moment she opened her mouth, it was like the demon from

The Exorcist

had taken over her personality, because within seconds something outrageous, highly sexual, and quite probably profane, was going to escape.