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Risking All
I had worn his steel collar now for well over a year, today it felt heavy and uncomfortable about my neck. My shoulders ached and I kept feeling I had to hold it off my skin for some respite. To take the weight of it from me for a while, most maddening. I wished he would remove it for a while, but he would not. I need not ask, and save myself the consequences of doing so.
Master rarely 'played' with me now. I could sense he wanted to, however his sadistic and many of his rougher sexual urges went mostly unsatisfied. In a ritual of age old fascination and curiosity toward the creation of new life part of him was drawn spellbound to the changes in me. I could see it plainly, in his looks and gestures he gave it away.
Hard as he was he would often at nights in the short summer darkness place his strong, large, hands on my belly to feel the movements of the nascent life housed within. He was both giver and taker of life. While I dreamed of 'normal' things and pleasures, things that I knew with him could never be ours.
*****
Master had as was usual been drinking, he did it to the exclusion of most other things since he had lost his job and his car. Wallowing in his bad luck of late, his life becoming retrograde. I am sure he was beginning to become very costly in his habits to Mick's pocket. I wondered how long his friend would keep carrying him.
He rose from his place I followed, it appeared he was going for some fresh air. I stood looking at him mutely pleading as he unlocked the back door. He noticed me fortunately, many times he did not.
"Yes, come, put some clothes on and come outside."
I did not waste a moment, I did not want him to change his mind. He could so easily do so. He picked up the trash can and I followed him outside into what was left of the late afternoon. It was warm at least for Denmark.
I sat on the green expanse of lawn as he took the garbage through the rear gate also always locked to the dumpster in the lane way beyond. This was as close as I ever got to the outside world. In recent months its allure had become much diminished in my eyes. Was it the baby and my impending nesting instinct, or was it my expectations of life had lowered. Had I at last given in and become accepting of my station? I feared I had.
I was plucking at the small flowers that grew in the lawn, mostly violets and clover, watching him in the distance as he came back through the gateway and again locked it.
"Hallo."
The disembodied voice startled me. I looked up, I saw Master turn from the gateway, his stance aggressive. Leaning over the fence was a young fresh faced blonde headed gentleman, somewhere in his very early twenties his arms on the fence top, wearing a broad smile on his face.
"Hallo," the young man repeated. His pleasant azure eyes on me.
I smiled up at him but did not have the nerve to reply. Master however did.
"Hello." He said cautiously, his tone was none too friendly as he crossed the yard to stand next to me. I rose and nestled into his side. His arm went about me possessively.
"I'm John your new neighbor."
Master nodded I could see he was in no mood for pleasantries but he was cornered. John was looking at me intently and I felt very uncomfortable.
"Frej," he finally condescended to reply.
"Nice to meet you, and this is?"
Why did he have to notice me? Master stiffened by my side.
"My sla...... wife, Lidia." He said defensively in almost an uncivilized growl, leaving no room to even believe I would ever be available to anyone other than him even as a friend. His possession was crushing. He had not been this extreme back in the USA, although I had glimpsed shades of it. It had gotten so bad now it was almost an affliction with him. I could not imagine going anywhere in public with him these days. It was just as well I was a prisoner in his home, and saw the outside world so little.
"Very pleased to meet you Miss..... Lidia." John smiled, oblivious to my discomfort and Master's brimming wrath. He held Master there for what seemed like a very long time when in fact it was no more than a few minutes doing the friendly new neighbor niceties, speaking of nothing in particular and doing his best to be cordial. The entire episode was so innocent, however Master in his drunken perceptions did not see it that way.
He marched me inside, his fingers pressing into my upper arm leaving white marks. They would be bruises tomorrow. I was afraid before we even gained the door. He turned on me in the kitchen like a raging storm, I sunk to his feet on the torn linoleum. I had not the nerve nor the energy to take any more of his brutalities. I held on to his leg, my face to the floor and waited for his anger. He stood still above me for what seemed like an eternity. I could feel the hatred and jealous rage emanating from him acutely.
"They all want you," he rasped. "They would take you from me in a heartbeat. It doesn't matter who they are, friend, stranger or even my Brother!" He spat vehemently above me. "You lead them on, you make them want you. You incite men, you are nothing but a WHORE!" He was yelling now with not a care for who heard. Please do not hurt me I prayed.
I knelt there amid his cyclone of destruction, glasses, cups, plates and any object that was on the cupboard top he threw to the floor in a vile fury. I sat there covered in splintered glass waiting for him to stop. To my surprise he never hit me.
*****
Master sometimes used a straight razor to shave, only ever performing this act himself, obviously not trusting me to fulfill such a duty. He often told me the blade gave a more satisfying smoothness as I would stand and observe his strange manly, almost daily ritual. I have had a fascination all my life with shaving, even as a small child I felt compelled to watch my father doing just the same activity, until he would spy me, glower in disapproval of my stare, and I would hurry away.
Master had now taken my Father's place in my shaving fascination. I would gaze at him using the razor so deftly with seemingly no care for his vulnerable throat and shiver. It must be an irritating task to have to shave so often. Master repeatedly grumbled to me or anyone who would care to listen he hated it.
Though I think I would happily take up the crusade against facial hair to be in his place, for his freedoms to be mine. I again dwelt on that day in this very same bathroom I had tried to end it all, and so dismally failed.
I should have used that razor
I lamented,
not some puny hard to hold razor blade. I am sure it would have yielded much better result.
So much had transpired since that day. I was then naive and untried, now I knew him, the real him, and it was not a picture of happily ever after bliss.
It occurred to me as I stood there watching on that it had been over six months since I had heard anything from my family. The iciness and the distance were crushing realities, and on occasion it would wound me if I let my veneer down. We were never close but blood still runs deep and abandonment hurts. I felt the betraying tears welling in the corners of my eyes and the tell tale stuffiness rise in my nose. I did not wish him to see it and pushed the emotion roughly aside.
Master also may have given me an engagement ring which I never removed from my finger. However I could see it was only token gesture, he would not marry me. I don't think he had ever intended to, he had told me half as much. He would always be married even if it was just in his mind to Birgitte. My relationship with him had gone from hope to mute acceptance of his odd and cruel ways.
"Your beauty is your pride." He said treacherously with abruptness. Glancing across at me with one gleaming green eye from the completion of his shaving in the broken mirror. Most things in this decrepit home were broken or well past their prime. Though that seemed not to bother him.
He was running his strong tanned fingers over his jaw with appreciation at his newly smooth jawline. I wrenched my thoughts back to the present.
Was he telling me he still found me beautiful?
I smiled wanly at him, he had been so down and difficult of late I was only too happy to receive his compliment, if that was indeed what it was.
"I will take that pride away." He said dangerously, looking at himself in the mirror one last time.
I could not help but witness his lord like vanity, he the ruling class and I the lowly slave who could expect no more. He had nicked his throat with the razor, ruby red was slowly seeping from the cut. The color of passion, love, or hurt.