Sasha Ch 12

An hour later, I was alone in our room on the top floor, sitting in the window seat, brushing my hair. Murada-san had provided us with kimonos after our bath, and bandages for our wounds. She brought us to her kitchen table and fed us delicious leftovers from the evening meal. Sasha had three bowls of rice, then asked for more! She seemed to enjoy doting on him and he enjoyed the attention. When I asked to be excused to return to the room, he wanted to stay to chat with her about her family photographs. I didn't mind; I wanted some time alone to reflect on my decision

not

to make a decision.

Here in Japan, having Sasha with me was the culmination of my ultimate fantasy. Who wouldn't experience the thrill of a lifetime having such a handsome and devoted suitor to travel with? In that regard, I was as lucky as anyone could possibly get. Yet his presence with me would be the cause of someone else's most crushing blow -- the destruction of

their

fantasy.

Why did this have to be so positive or negative? Why is it all up to me?

OK, just be with him this one more night

, I thought.

There must be something that will happen that will make the mist clear and show you the right answer. Just enjoy him tonight without any reservation and maybe it will just happen

. It was a calming thought, a very Japanese approach.

Your fate has already been decided; just go with it.

I turned out the light and waited for him to return. I heard his footsteps on the stairs and saw the door open. I spoke to him as he entered the room. "Be with me tonight, Sasha, without obligation or regret on anyone's part. Tomorrow will take care of itself."

"I know it will, sweetheart." I felt his hand on my face.

We fell together in an embrace that makes everything else irrelevant. I don't know when we shed our clothes, but it felt like we had never worn any at any time. Our skin communicated our feelings for each other. There was no urgency, just passion. Lips became the conduit of emotion. There wasn't one part of our bodies that didn't respond to each other's touch. Our motion never ceased and we could not bring ourselves to separate any part of us for an instant. It wasn't necessary to only stroke our sexual organs to facilitate arousal - every part of us served that function. It just remained for us to achieve the ultimate penetration to truly become one being.

When he finally entered me, I had a vision of being a vessel in which we could sail to the place that would welcome us, where our problems would cease to be. I moved my body to match his rhythm, to hasten our journey to this higher ground. The bright light grew and grew in my mind's eye and my body and burst in such an explosion to rival any fireworks invented. Our movement diminished, then stopped, leaving only the sound of our breathing.

I opened my eyes after a deep sleep that night and saw a faint streak of light in the sky signaling that dawn was close at hand. I stirred and realized Sasha was not in the bed. I looked around and saw him sitting in the window seat. I slipped out of the futon and stood behind him with my hands on his shoulders.

"Look, it's getting lighter. I think I can see the mountain," he said. "Bring the quilt over here and we can watch the sun rise together."

I brought the quilt over to the window seat. I sat in front of him and he wrapped his arms around me and the blanket over both of us.

As the dawn light grew stronger, his prediction proved true; the sacred peak started to become visible, its snowy peak reflecting the pink hues. The birds began to chirp and I heard a rooster in the distance. The extraordinary beauty filled me with hope that my path would be clearly marked today.

I thought about what incredible love we had made last night. I was about to say something to Sasha when I felt a drop; something wet on my shoulder. I was confused until I felt Sasha shudder. I turned my head and saw something that made my heart stop. Sasha's eyes were filled with tears.

"What is it?" I asked, although I knew full well what it was.

He hung his head in abject sorrow, then hugged me to the point where I couldn't breathe. "I am having a hard time believing that this is the last time we will be together. You mean everything to me. It is this simple: I love you. Don't leave me, Hallie."

It finally hit me:

I have found the true and real thing

. Had I been crazy not to recognize it, not to acknowledge it earlier? There was no way I was going to turn away from it. I made my decision at that moment to stay with Sasha.

I knelt in front of him and took his face in my hands. "I love you so much it hurts. Yes, I will stay with you, no matter what. It pains me to see you so sad, and to know that I am the cause of that sadness. Please forgive me."

His tears disappeared at my words, replaced with the smile I had grown so dependent on. He wrapped me in his arms. We stayed like that for a long time.

Much to my surprise, once I had made my decision to stay with Sasha, I was aware of an enormous weight lifted from me. I still dreaded the confession I would have to make to Dylan, but the possibilities that lay beyond suddenly seemed possible and worth the pain I would have to inflict - and endure. I felt completely happy, a feeling that had been so elusive.

Sasha took my hand and led me back to bed. We lay there and he stroked my arm, both of us lost in thought. He lifted his head; I looked at him and smiled.

"So, what now?" he asked. "When we return today, I don't want you go back to Denver. Please just stay in L.A. with me. I am so afraid something will happen to you."

"You mean you're afraid Dylan will do something? Kill me? He's not the violent type. He would kill me with words first before he would physically harm me." Of that, I was certain.

"I do have to go back to Denver. I have to confront Dylan face to face. It's the only way I can do this; I have to offer him this much. I also want to wait to talk to him on Sunday. Remember, his sister's wedding is Saturday and he'll be with all his family and friends. That would be too cruel to break the news to him beforehand. I also want to talk to my boss on Monday. I need to explore job possibilities out of L.A. I think I'm valuable enough to the company that maybe they'll let me open an office there. We also need to decide if we want to stay in L.A. - there's so much we haven't talked about."

"Well, now that you're with me, there's nothing we can't do. Let's dream up something wild we could do. Nothing's impossible anymore!"

To hear him say that gave me such a surge of excitement. I never in my life felt I could do exactly what I wanted. All of a sudden, I could visualize that there were no demands on me. I would be free to pursue dreams. I pushed Sasha over to his back and rolled on top of him.

"Do you have any idea how happy you are making me at this moment? I have always been a slave to others' expectations, to my fear of disappointing others. It's a bad habit, you know. You make me feel so free. You have given me the most precious gift." I kissed him with all the passion within me. I felt the same coming from him.

A knock at the door interrupted our interlude. I rolled off Sasha and pulled up the covers. "You may enter." Murada-san opened the door with a tray of tea.

"Good morning, my friends! I hope that you slept well and rose early to see the magnificent daybreak on the mountain!"

"Yes, we did, and it was truly a blessing upon us! How lucky you are to see it so often!"

She smiled at us. "I think the mountain was angry at you yesterday, but you have obviously made amends. It has appeared to us in all its beauty. You must always respect its wisdom and learn from it."

"We will, Murada-san!"

"Now it is time for you to rise. I know you must catch the 12:15 train back to the city." She bowed and left the room.

I started to get up out of bed, but Sasha pulled me back and hugged me close. "Just one more minute with you here, please! This is the time and place I will always remember. This is the room where you said you would stay with me. This is the place where I found something to truly live for. I am so in love with you."

I put my head on his chest and let all my tears of relief flow.

In a few hours, we had our bags packed and were standing in Murada-san's garden next to the house. She had a great variety of beautiful flowers, especially my favorite, iris. We were chatting about gardening, but she changed the subject.

"Your experience here has been good for you and your husband, I see. I can recognize how you two have let true love rule your lives. Do I not speak the truth?"

I blushed a little and smiled. "Murada-san has very sharp eyes and much wisdom. We have found a happiness I thought was impossible."

"When you're in love, nothing is impossible!"

What a wonderful woman

, I thought.

We soon had our bags loaded into the car and were ready to depart for the train station. We said our reluctant good-byes. She embraced me, then turned to Sasha. I saw her whisper something in his ear and he nodded his agreement in return. We got into the car and started towards town. We waved to her as long as we could see her through the back window.

"What secret did she tell you?" I asked.

"Just that, a secret."

After we settled into our seats on the train, I was wound up and talkative. We had so much to plan, and I couldn't contain my excitement about finally being able to think about the future with Sasha. After I babbled on for a while, I noticed Sasha wasn't saying much. He looked pensive.

"Hey, what's the matter? I would have thought you would be more excited, more into hatching our wild plans for the future. You're not saying much."

He smiled weakly and patted my arm. His expression changed; he looked a little sad.

He said softly, "I just want to get you back from Denver first. I am so afraid you'll change your mind." I tried to reassure him that, considering how happy was feeling, there was nothing that could happen at home to keep me there. He didn't look convinced.

When we arrived at the Narita station, one look at the throngs in the check-in area immediately wiped away any feelings of pleasant anticipation. I took my bags and plowed into the crowd. When we arrived at our ticket counter, my heart sank. I could not believe the length of line to check in. The line in front of the Business class section was a little less crowded, but I knew the wait would still be a long one.

Sasha frowned. "I need to go over here," pointing to the endless line for coach check-in.

"Oh, no. You're coming with me. The upgrade's on me."

That got a little smile out of him. We waited as patiently as we could, but it still took about 30 minutes to reach the agent. I pushed Sasha's ticket across the counter and asked for an upgrade.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but your flight is oversold. We would not be able to do that for you today."

"Oh, no," I wailed, "Now we won't be able to sit together!"

That was an unexpected complication. The agent did take pity on us, though, and allowed Sasha to check in with me instead of having to go to the end of the long line. Small consolation.

We made our way to the gate. I held Sasha's hand on our long walk through the terminal. My emotions flip-flopped between elation and dread. We sat down in the only two seats together in the crowded waiting area.

"God, this is going to be the longest flight of my life," I said dejectedly.

"Hey, what are you complaining about? At least you have a comfortable seat and little more leg room!" Sasha laughed and put his arm around me. "Maybe you can come back into steerage and throw me some crumbs."

"No way! Everyone would fight over it. I wouldn't want to cause a riot. I'm sure they'll have hot gruel for you. Well, maybe lukewarm."

"How about coming back so we can disappear into the lavatory together?"

"Have you seen how small those things are these days? And the filth? Besides, aren't you worn out after this week? I am!"

"Well, doesn't that just figure! Here you are, having just declared your undying love for me, and already you're tired of sex with me! That didn't take long!" He folded his arms over his chest and looked away, with a mock expression of disdain on his face.

I nuzzled my face into his neck. "Check back with me in a few days. I might feel differently."

We waited until most of the passengers had boarded to get up and start down the jetway. Right before the cabin door, Sasha pulled me into a little alcove and kissed me.

"Don't forget about me up there. I'll be thinking of you every minute."

Once on board, I settled into my seat and looked out the window. I reflected on all that had happened to me in the short time since I arrived.

How amazing! How many times did we have sex? How could it be that each time was so different and better than the last? How could I be so lucky to have found such a man, such a lover, such a love?

"Thank you, God," I said to heavens.

Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt light was extinguished, I decided to make sure Sasha was all right. I made my way up the long aisle. He was wedged in a middle seat, sound asleep, his head resting on his balled-up jacket. I was glad to see he could rest and hoped he would stay that way for another few hours. I went back to my seat.

It was time to figure out what I was going to say to Dylan.

How should I begin? Where and when should I talk to him?

I realized that before I began the dreaded conversation, I should have a bag packed and be ready to go. I would be driving to California, which takes a minimum of two days.

But what about talking to my boss?

That would mean I would have to stay in Denver until Monday, obviously in a hotel on Sunday.

Maybe I should call my boss at home. Yeah, that's a better idea. That way, I could head west immediately. But what should I bring?

I thought about it. There were few material things in my house that I couldn't replace.

I'll want some photos, some books, and my clothes. Oh, but I can't forget about "The Boy" in my office! I'll stop by and pick that up.

That was something I couldn't leave behind.

Now

what

should I say?

"I thought I loved you, but I've met someone who showed me what true love is." No, that's not right. "Something happened that I didn't expect. I'm so sorry but I'm leaving."

I figured that I would just have to endure the angry outburst, take my verbal punishment. Answer his questions truthfully. Make him see that I'm just not completely happy with him and once that true joy has been experienced, there's no going back. Try to soften the blow by explaining it's not him, it's me, that was the problem. He did his best.

Yes, that's the approach.

I fell asleep without trying. I certainly felt exhausted, both mentally and physically. It had been one eventful week.

I woke up as we began our descent into Honolulu to go through customs and refuel before continuing on to Los Angeles. It was dark and quiet all around me. I looked at my watch; only a few more hours until we reached our final destination. My new life would start soon after.

I felt very impatient waiting in line to complete our customs inspection. Sasha didn't say much. He seemed lost in thought. We re-boarded and began the final leg of our trip.

I couldn't fall asleep again because of a nervous knot in the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes and did deep breathing, consciously willing the pain to subside. I didn't succeed. I considered staying in L.A. after all. I did not know how I could possibly handle the wedding and dealing with all the relatives the next day. The time spent with Dylan before I made my announcement would feel like torture.

How would I ever act normally?

Nevertheless, I knew it was essential that I go home one last time. I would never be free if I didn't.

When the plane landed, I waited for Sasha make his way up to my seat. He sat down with me. We waited for the rest of the passengers to disembark.

"Are you OK?" he asked me. One look at his face told me that he was feeling the same way I was.

"No, I'm a nervous wreck. I feel sick. And from the looks of it, so do you!"

"Of course I am! I am going to pace the floor until you come home safely to me."

I looked at my watch. "Well, we'll have over an hour before my plane to Denver leaves. Let's go somewhere and have a drink. I really need one now."

I gathered my things and we stood up to leave. As I stepped into the aisle, I felt a lot of pain in my ankle. I stumbled and grasped Sasha's arm. "Oww - my ankle is really stiff. Can you help me?"

He took my laptop case as I leaned on his arm. He helped me down the aisle and out onto the jetway. We walked slowly down the metal corridor. As we neared the exit to the terminal, he bent his head to mine, giving me a tender kiss.

"Welcome to your new city!"

I smiled up at him. His smile suddenly dissolved. A look of total confusion and concern came over his face.

"What's the matter?..." I said, turning to look at what he was observing.

It took a moment to register in my mind that it was Dylan, standing just a few yards away from us. The expression on his face defined fury. A sound like a growl came out of his mouth. "I... knew ...it."