This is an authorized spinoff story in the
Quaranteam
universe created by
CorruptingPower
. Special thanks to him for his permission and creative input. Thanks also to my editing team (and fellow spin-off authors)
OtterlyMindblowing
,
AgathonWrites
,
SilverRyden
,
BreaktheBar
, and
RonanJWilkerson
.
Chapter 3
July 9, 2020
Aaron woke with a start, disoriented and confused. After several moments, he identified what had roused him: a rampaging wildebeest running amok in the house. Rolling out of his king size bed and pulling on a pair of raggedy shorts, he stumbled out of his room. Stepping into the dining room, he beheld a scene that might have warmed his heart, back before the pandemic started. Mike stomped back and forth around the kitchen, slamming cupboards, banging pans, and swearing loudly.
"Could you maybe try not breaking everything in the kitchen?"
"Shut the fuck up, Aaron. I'm not in the mood. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Apparently, the world is fucking ending and I'm stuck here in this ridiculous house with my irritating brother and my wife is out there in the middle of it. And me? I'm...what am I supposed to do? We haven't spent a night apart since we got married." Mike's head dropped, his breath coming in ragged pants.
"First thing you're supposed to do is stop abusing that poor, innocent pan." Peeling the handle out of Mike's unresisting hand, Aaron gently steered his brother towards the large wooden dining room table. "I'll make us some breakfast. I'm definitely not letting you get anywhere near anything delicate or sharp until Jenny comes back. Maybe not after that either, to be honest."
Deciding on a scramble for the sake of simplicity and speed, Aaron snagged several different vegetables he'd grown. Quickly dicing them up and sautéing them, taking a moment, even now, to admire the sleek kitchen, awash in stainless steel and dark gray marble. While he was working, he kept an eye on his brother slumped over the table, head atop his arms. "Chin up there, little buddy. Jenny will be back in no time."
Mike grumbled unintelligibly, refusing to even lift his head.
"I can't understand you when you talk like that," Aaron joked, repeating his mother's oft-used complaint. Setting a plate in front of Mike before sitting next to him, Aaron cajoled and prodded his brother until he cleared the whole plate.
"Damn. I guess I needed that."
"Somebody was a little hangry," Aaron said. "Feeling better?"
"A little. Still frustrated but at least I'm not starving anymore."
"Good. Want to see what that survey thing the Captain mentioned is all about? Could be fun."
"Fun? A survey? You and I have very different ideas of fun." Despite his protests, Mike went up to the loft and brought down a laptop, eager for anything that might take his mind off Jenny, the pandemic, and the impending doom looming over every man he knew. Aaron carefully typed in the long alphanumeric sequence and was rewarded with a bland government-generated welcome screen. The words "Operation Breadbasket" were conspicuously scrawled across the top of the screen, with the words "Aaron Palmer, Level 4" printed beneath it.
Aaron started clicking through menus, swiftly passing through the mundane background information. As he began the next section of the survey, Mike leaned over his shoulder and stared at the screen in confusion.
"What the hell kind of questions are these? What does any of this have to do with finding you a partner for the vaccine? 'As you and your partner get ready for a friend's wedding, what are you thinking about?' Seriously?"
"These are just basic personality profiling questions, dressed up in a dating disguise. Pretty standard online dating stuff."
"Seriously? I'm glad I skipped out on all this crap then." Aaron continued to click through the questions, until he entered a section that was too strange for Mike to restrain himself. "'Which of these two pictures appeals more to your emotions?' What kind of BS voodoo nonsense personality test relies on your emotional attachment to wiggly lines over boxy ones? That's fucking crazy."
"I don't disagree, but I'm just gonna keep filling out this survey so that maybe I don't die from this apocalyptically bad plague. Sound good?"
Mike grumbled but refrained from any further outbursts while Aaron plugged away at the dating profile portion of the Oracle survey until he finally completed the personality test. The next section covered the types of women he was attracted to, requiring Aaron to identify desirable physical characteristics, age range, and personality traits. Feeling Mike's judgmental gaze over his shoulder, Aaron's desire to speed through this section warred with his need to be thorough and accurate.
"22 years old? Isn't that a little young for you?" Mike asked.
"Hey, the question asks, 'What age of women are you attracted to?' and Captain Hudson said to be completely honest in my answers, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not saying that I want to date
every
22-year-old I see. I'm just saying I find some of them attractive. Besides, that number fits the rule."
"The rule?"
"You know, the rule about how young a girl you can date." At Mike's blank look, he continued. "I forget sometimes that you've only ever dated one person and you just don't know these fundamental things. The rule says that the youngest person you can date without being creepy is half your age plus seven. I'm 31, so my number is 22."
"It's 22 and half, which would round up to 23 as the minimum age," Mike said after pausing to do the mental math.
"So I rounded down instead of up. Close enough for government work. If you're just gonna judge my answers, you can go wait for Jenny somewhere else." Mike reluctantly moved to the other side of the table with a glower.
After identifying all the traits that he found attractive, Aaron was forced to rank them in order of importance. He was somewhat surprised to find that he didn't have particularly strong feelings about his partner's physical characteristics. Hair color? Anything could be attractive on the right woman. Breast size? A whole range of sizes are attractive. Thinking back over his past several girlfriends, he realized that he didn't really have a type. Prior to the pandemic, his most recent girlfriends had been a 4' 11" petite blonde waitress, a 5' 7" busty brunette secretary, and a 6' 6" college volleyball coach with vibrant pink hair.
Brushing past his indecisive taste in women, Aaron clicked through to the next section, a startled chuckle forcing itself out. Now he realized why Captain Hudson had emphasized that nobody would be reading his answers. Faced with a lengthy list of kinks and fetishes, Aaron had to identify any that he found appealing. What he found most appealing about this list, however, was the opportunity to mess with Mike.
"Hey, this next section has a bunch of stuff I've never heard of. Can you Google something for me while I keep working through it?"
"Sure. What do you need to know?"
"What's 'coulrophilia' and is it something I would be attracted to?"
After a few moments searching, including the obligatory autocorrected misspelling, Mike was horrified. "You motherfucker. Clowns? It means you want to fuck a clown. Do you want to fuck a clown? Is that what you're into? Why would you put those images into my head? Gross."
Aaron could barely contain his giggles. "Okay, okay, that was my bad. Gonna check 'no' on that one. Sorry. What about 'eproctophilia?'"
Dubious about his brother's intentions, Mike went back to searching. "Farting! Goddamnit Aaron. That's the last time I do you a favor."
Aaron's giggles had escalated into full-blown, tears in his eyes, laughter. "You know I'm gonna have to tell Jenny you were looking for clown porn, right?" Aaron finally managed to say.