Part Four: Back In The Groove
I was still a little sore the following morning after the gang-bang. There were faint bruises on my inner thighs and knees, and my hips hurt from being spread open for so long. Bu the discomfort would fade, I knew. As I hoped my heartache over Gary would.
Julie came over that afternoon, bringing sweet and sour chicken and Diet Coke. I hugged her at the door, thanking her for her friendship. We sat on the floor and ate in silence for a while. I could sense that Julie had something on her mind. But I waited for her to bring it up.
"You went out last night," she said, giving me a skittish look.
I picked at my fried rice. "Yeah."
"Was it . . . was it like that?" she asked awkwardly.
I knew what she meant. My eyes flashed to hers, so big and round and sweet. I remembered when I felt as innocent as she looked. "Yeah. It was like that."
She sighed. I could tell she was disappointed. "Why?" she asked.
I shrugged. "It's my job," I said.
Her hands fell to her lap and she gave me a look that seemed to say, 'don't give me that shit.'
I wiped my mouth. "You wanna know the truth?"
Her eyes were unwavering. "Yeah. I wanna know the truth."
I breathed in, gathering my courage. I did not look at her as I spoke. "I didn't know what sex really was for the longest time," I said. "I mean, everyone
knows
what it is, but . . . see, I always had this idea, this image of sex as . . . something special, something
unique
, to be shared between two people who really love each other."
Julie stared at me. "It can be that way," she said.
I nodded. "I know. And it's been that way for me . . . a few times."
Julie didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. I put down my chopsticks and reached for my cigarettes. I lit one, breathing out smoke. I wondered why I was so nervous. Maybe it was because I had never really thought about the journey I had begun until that moment.
"But I found out, pretty quickly," I continued, pulling on my cigarette. "Sex can be something else. It can be a tool. And that's not necessarily a bad thing."
"I don't think that way," Julie said.
I cocked my head. "You sure?"
She frowned. "I'm not like you," she said emphatically.
I scoffed, defensive. "
Every
woman is like me, at least once in a while."
Julie ground her teeth. Now she was uncomfortable, looking down. She poked at her stir fry as she listened.
"When I'm with a man, he knows what he's going to get," I said. "I don't have to be coy, or pretend to play hard to get. He's going to get laid, and he knows it."
"Because that's what he's paying for," Julie said accusingly.
"And when you go out with a guy, it's different?"
Julie glared. "I'm not a whore," she said bitingly.
I laughed darkly, feeling a righteous need to justify myself. "So what
do
you call yourself after a guy has paid for dinner and a movie, brought you roses, maybe scored some beer at the corner store? When you're flat on your back, and he's inside you, and you're screaming your lungs out 'cause it feels
so fucking good
β"
"You don't get it," said Julie, her eyes vibrating with a mixture of emotions. She was hurt and angry, and I couldn't blame her. "It's different, Alyssa. I don't go out with a guy because I'm going to sleep with him. I do it only if I want to."
She pushed herself to her feet and stared down at me. "Have you ever been with a guy who
didn't
pay you to fuck him?" she asked rudely.
I couldn't answer.
Julie snorted derisively. "I thought so. You know, one of these days, you're gonna take a look in the mirror and not like what you see." She headed to the door, paused a moment, still glaring at me. "And by the way, when I go out with a guy, I usually go
Dutch
." Then she jerked open the door and slammed it shut behind her as she left. I listened to her footfalls as they retreated rapidly down the stairs.
I suddenly felt like throwing up.
***
I was worried about having had unprotected sex with Raul. Cleo had told me that under no circumstances was I to ever 'ride bareback' when with a client. If she ever found out I had had unprotected sex, I would be dropped immediately. Naturally, therefore, I didn't tell her.
I headed to the drug store, bought one of those mail-in kits that guaranteed results within seventy-two hours. I took the test, sent it in. The following few days were nerve-wracking. I hated to even consider the possibility that I might have contracted HIV.
Finally, I called the one-eight-hundred number, put in the code for my order, and waited.
"Your HIV status is . . ." said a computerized woman's voice. I bit my lip and waited, crossing my fingers.
"Negative. Thank you for usingβ"
I slapped my phone closed and fell back on the bed with a relieved sigh. I stared up at the ceiling, crossing myself.
Thank you, God!
***
I met Cleo for lunch at a little outdoor cafΓ© that same afternoon. She sounded surprised to hear from me again, despite my telling her that I had wanted to come back. I received the impression that she thought my gang-bang would have turned me off, maybe 'sobered' me up a little. And in a way, it had.
"How're you feeling?" she asked once we had ordered.
I nodded. "Good," I said. "I've been doing a lot of thinking."
I couldn't see her eyes behind her dark sunglasses. "And?"
"I want to go on," I said. "I want to be with the kind of men I was with before."
Cleo slipped off her sunglasses, gave me a direct look. "Are you sure," she said, enunciating the words carefully.
I nodded. "Yeah. I'm positive."
"No more craziness? No more, 'I wanna fuck and get fucked?'"
I shook my head. "I've learned my lesson."