SEVENTEEN
A Role to Play
I was in the main room, watching it rain, the droplets making the surface of the pool dance in the lights from the pool and house. The weather fit my mood... gloomy.
The task Voice assigned me was fucking with my head and making me moody. My housemates had pounced on me immediately on my return from The Room, keen to know what Voice wanted. I'd told them everything. I didn't know if I was looking for sympathy and confirmation that my feelings were justified, just to vent, or some other reason. I found it more than a little annoying that none of the three saw anything unusual about the situation and thought I was overreacting.
They pointed out, as Voice had, I wouldn't actually be raping the woman since she'd asked for it. They couldn't understand why I was bothered, and I didn't understand why they, especially Teresa and Marta, weren't. I'd gone to bed that night more than a little annoyed and hadn't slept well. I hadn't shut my door, but nobody joined me, either because they didn't want to after all the fucking from that afternoon, or to give me space.
The next day, Teresa and I had a long talk about the situation because she could tell I was still troubled. Even now, a week and a half, and three conversations later, I didn't think she understood why the idea was still unsettling me, but at least she was willing to listen without being judgmental. Marta and Gregorio were less sympathetic and thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. In the end, all three gave me the same advice... don't worry about it. The woman had set up the scenario with Voice, so if it didn't turn out the way she expected, that was between the woman and Voice, and I'd just done as I was told.
I suspected that, 'I was just doing what I was told,' was the same argument a lot of Germans used during the Nuremburg trials. If someone knew something was wrong, but they did it anyway just because they were told to, did that absolve them of guilt? I didn't think so, but was what I was going to do actually wrong?
Trying to work through it, I kept circling back to the woman asking Voice to make her rape fantasy real. Not just asking, but trading with him to make it happen. If he'd sent me to rape the woman, so she'd give him whatever it was he wanted, that was a line I wouldn't cross, but that wasn't what was happening. I was playing a part in her role-playing fantasy in exchange for something he wanted. I didn't even know what she was offering, so I couldn't very well demand it from her. I'd gone around and around in my mind, trying to figure out what she might have that Voice wanted so badly, but I kept coming up with nothing. Whatever it was, I doubted it was blackmail material. If Voice was Toro, he'd probably have her killed if she tried blackmailing him.
Regardless, the entire situation was fucking with me. The idea of roughing up a woman, even at her request, filled me with dismay. I was relieved thus far I hadn't had to do it, but I was waiting for the call each night with dread, all the while hoping the deal had fallen apart for some reason, and I wouldn't have to go through with it. Trying to make the best of a totally fucked up situation, I'd decided if I did what Voice wanted, I was going to pretend I was with the Policía Federal Ministerial--the PFM orMexican Federal Police--and demand to know what information Voice wanted and who he was. If word got back to Voice about my questions, I'd claim it was part of the role-playing and was nothing more than me driving her fantasy. It was a gamble, but I learned exactly
shit
so far, and it didn't appear I was going to unless I started pushing.
The bell rang and my heart sank. This was the first time anyone had visited our home since I was called into The Room, and I knew with almost certainty who was at the door, and why. I rose and walked to the door.
"I've got it!" I called as I crossed the room.
Marta, Teresa, and Gregorio were in the game room playing on one of the video machines, the
wocka wocka wocka
of Pac-Man barely audible. They'd invited me to join them, but I'd declined. They were trying to keep my mind occupied with other thoughts, but I was having a tough time. Each evening, after my post workout shower, instead of putting on my toga shorts as I'd been doing, I dressed, always expecting that night to be the night. Now, it seemed, the night I'd been dreading had arrived.
I opened the door. "Tonight?"
"Yes. Come with me."
"Anders!" Teresa called as she stepped out of the game room with Marta close on her heels. I could still hear the
wocka wocka wocka
of the game as Gregorio continued to play. "Remember, she wants this. Just do what you have to and don't think about it too much. This isn't on you. There's no difference between this and what you're already doing except who you're fucking."
"Thanks," I said with a nod, and meant it. "Hey!" I barked, drawing the man's attention from the two scantily glad goddesses, though I couldn't blame him for staring. "We going or not?"
The man quickly glanced at the women a final time and then backed away from the door. I followed him into the rain. It wasn't raining hard, but by the time I reached the Escalade I was more than damp, though not quite soaked. The vehicle was running, so as he circled around the front of the SUV, I opened the rear door. I was surprised to see Valen--María--already sitting in the back. I climbed into the rig.
"I'm surprised you're here," I said as I shut the door.
She handed me a lump of black cloth. "Voice wanted me to handle this one personally. Here, wear this."
I took it. It was a ski mask. "Are you kidding me? Doesn't she know who I am?"
"Special request. If she rips it off, fine, but she wants you to start out wearing it."
"Shit," I muttered softly. At least it fit with the PFM theme I was going to go with, as they often wore masks to protect their identity.
We rode in silence as the Cadillac hissed through the rain. "I was in the booth with Voice when he gave you the assignment," she said softly, speaking in English. "I was surprised you objected."
"Why?" I asked in the same language.
"Isn't that what guy's like... taking a woman?"
I held her gaze a moment. "There's taking a woman, then there's rape. As a woman, I'm surprised you don't understand the difference."
"I do," she replied, her voice quiet. "Voice didn't like you questioning him. That's why he asked me to supervise... to make sure you didn't back out at the last minute."
"He'll get over it."
That won me a small smile. "Because you helped me with my discipline problem, I suggested to him that what you were asking for were reasonable precautions."
"Thanks... I think."
She glanced at the two men in the front seat. "Look, I know you don't want to do this, but you really don't have any choice unless you're willing to walk away."
"Yeah. I know. I've been thinking about it."
"Walking?
"Yeah."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Why? I thought you wanted the money."
"I do, but I still have to live with myself. This isn't what I signed up for."
"You're still not sure? You got everything you asked for."