Naked Vows

Laura's heart raced as she entered the bar. The dance floor and bar were brightly lit but the tables were left in candle lit darkness. Movement drew her eye to a woman with short cut hair who leaned across the table to kiss the woman setting opposite of her. They used their tongues with great enthusiasm. Laura realized she made a mistake. It was one thing to look for companionship, but seeing the two women kiss, well, she obviously went about finding an intimate friend the wrong way.

The short haired woman pulled away from her girlfriend and noticed Laura staring. Heat spread across Laura's face. She looked down to hide her embarrassment behind her dark hair and turned to leave. She walked straight into another woman in the doorway.

"I'm so sorry!" Laura grabbed the woman's arm to steady her. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." The woman, pale blonde and about two inches shorter than Laura, looked up and smiled. "Is this your first time in a lesbian bar?" She had a heart-shaped face with clear bright eyes and a large pale lipped smile. A dark, conservative skirt suit, like Laura usually wore, covered her slim body. It contrasted oddly to Laura's red, flirty, knee length dress she bought just for tonight.

"How did you guess?" Laura tried to edge around her.

"You look like I feel."

"Scared spit-less and sure you made a mistake?" Laura knew she sounded a little shrill but managed a wobbly smile.

"Something like that." The woman held out her hand for Laura to shake. "I'm Sarah. Can I buy you a drink? One nervous woman to another?"

"I'm leaving," said Laura, shaking Sarah's hand. "I don't belong here. I thought . . . well, I guess I didn't think . . . I . . . like penetration!" Laura covered her mouth in a vain attempt to stop the words as her face burned even hotter. The shocked look on Sarah's face made Laura want to crawl in a hole and die. "Sorry," she muttered, pushing past Sarah.

Sarah laughed and grabbed Laura's arm. "Wow! That surprised me. Come have a drink with me so I won't feel alone and awkward." She tugged Laura over to a booth then sat across from her. "Now tell me your name so we can pretend to be friends and no one will bother us."

"Laura."

"Well, Laura, I have a confession to make. I like penetration too."

Laura's face burned even hotter, if possible, and she moved to get out of the booth.

"Wait." Sarah put her foot on Laura's seat, trapping her in the booth. "I'm not teasing you, I'm trying to make you feel comfortable."

"I don't think I can." Laura scanned the room. A slow song played and the women dancing held each other intimately. Two women looked into each others eyes then hesitantly leaned into each other. They kissed as passionately as any two people could. The shorter woman twined her arms around her partners neck while the other woman's hands slid down her back until they cupped her bottom. Laura snapped her eyes to the table top before she got caught staring again.

"If you're that uncomfortable you should go. Can I ask you a favor though?" Sarah bit her lip and looked away. "Can I leave with you so I don't feel stupid?"

Sarah's sudden lack of confidence comforted Laura. Maybe Sarah made the same mistake coming here as she did. "I'll stay." Maybe, just maybe, Laura found the companion she wanted after all.

"What can I get you girls?" asked a harried looking waitress. Laura couldn't quite look her in the eye and let Sarah order first.

"We'll both have the house red."

"That sounds perfect." Laura was unexpectedly grateful to Sarah for taking over. The waitress walked off leaving an awkward silence which lasted until she returned with their drinks. Sarah paid the waitress and sent her off with a good tip.

"So." Sarah rubbed the rim of her glass with a finger. "What made you decide you were a lesbian?"

Laura chocked on her wine. She shoved her glass to the middle of the table; no way was she drinking another drop. Spots of wine sloshed over the rim so she busied herself cleaning it with her cocktail napkin.

"Laura, you can't get the table any cleaner. Look at me." The confidence suffusing Sarah's voice compelled Laura to look at her. Years of experience leading people told Laura Sarah's confidence was new and untried. "You can talk to me." Sarah reached out and stilled Laura's hand then took the tattered napkin away from her. "I'm curious if you came here for the same reasons I did." Sarah's hand trembled on Laura's, her facade crumbling.

"It's a long story." Laura relaxed, realizing Sarah felt alone just like she did.

"I have all night." Sarah gave Laura's hand a reassuring pat.

"My husband, Tom, died ten years ago today." Laura folded her hands in her lap unable to believe how much it still hurt to say those words.

"You loved him." The compassion in Sarah's voice made Laura look up. Sarah studied her with soft eyes. "I'm so sorry for your pain. I know that sounds trite but I mean it. I can look at you and see how warm a person you are. It saddens me that you experienced such a loss."

"Thank you." Laura looked back at her hands and tried to force the old pain away.

"Keep going." Sarah hovered in some nebulous area between giving an order and begging to be obeyed. The combination made Laura a little more comfortable.

"Besides having a thirteen year old son and a fifteen year old daughter to raise, I had to take over my husbands business. Suddenly I had to be strong for everyone while inside I felt alone and scared and isolated." Laura reached out and drained her wine then played with the empty glass for a few seconds. "It was a difficult adjustment. I managed to-."

"You ladies want another round?" asked their waitress.

"Another of the same." Sarah drained her glass and handed it to the waitress who went straight back to the bar. "The disadvantage of tipping well is the waitress comes back too soon and too often."

Laura fidgeted while they sat in silence until the waitress returned with their drinks. A stern look from Sarah stopped Laura from reaching for her purse. Sarah paid for the drinks and tipped well again.

"What did you manage to do?" asked Sarah.

Laura gulped down her wine. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does." Sarah took the empty glass from Laura. "It brought you here, to me. It matters."

"I'm sorry." Laura wished she had something to distract herself with. She reached for the cocktail napkin but Sarah snatched it away.

"Don't be sorry, be honest. I don't like mind games." Sarah's defiant stare told Laura someone broke her heart with mind games and she hadn't recovered yet.

Laura shrugged, honesty didn't cost her anything. She probably wouldn't see Sarah again after tonight. "I managed to keep the company profitable while raising my children to be good honest people. But my hard work and success came at a price. It's hard to be the person everyone comes to with their problems and have no one to go to myself. I'm tired of making all the decisions. That's why I came here, I wanted a friend and for some reason I thought lesbians had similar problems. I guess I had a preconceived belief a lesbian had to be strong and independent, like I've had to be." Laura looked around the bar. The young women in skimpy outfits radiated sexuality and gyrated in imitation of sex to an upbeat song. Laura felt old and overdressed. "This isn't what I expected. I want someone to tell me what to do for a change. I'm so tired of being responsible for everything." She knew it wasn't proper feminist behavior to admit that, but the truth was too deep to deny, especially to herself. "What's so wrong with wanting to let my walls down for awhile?"

Sarah sat back and studied Laura while she finished off her wine. The silence seemed to stretch on forever but Laura couldn't force herself to break it.

"I'm not sure I understand." Sarah waved to catch the waitress's eye and signaled for another round. "I find myself in the exact opposite position. Since I got married, I didn't make any decisions for myself. Oh sure, I decided what to wear and what to eat at restaurants, how to host business parties, but my husband made the real decisions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I wasn't an abused housewife slave, I was a pampered princess."

She stopped talking when the waitress came and served their fresh drinks but her eyes had the far off look of someone reliving a painful memory. Laura knew that look all too well. "It's not your fault. I know it for a fact."

Sarah looked surprised and started to speak, but she snapped her mouth closed and regarded Laura with suspicion. "What makes you think you know it for a fact?"

"I'm a lot older than you. I have more experience."

"You make yourself sound like a dried up old crone." Sarah's brow furrowed in annoyance. "You have more experience, but you're no withered spinster."

"I guess not being a withered spinster is something."

"Stop fishing for compliments, you know you're beautiful. Tell me why you think the divorce wasn't my fault."

"Your body language, expressions, the way you choose your words."

"I didn't know I was choosing my words."

"Not consciously," said Laura. "When you're as old-."

"Stop it! You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Now get on with it."

An angry flash shot through Laura like a battle cry. "I wanted to help. There's no reason to patronize me."

Sarah leaned back like she'd been slapped. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to banish the shocked expression. Laura knew Sarah wasn't as confident as she pretended and hated herself for snapping at the younger woman. Sarah composed herself and got out of the booth. Laura started to get up too, she didn't want the younger woman to leave yet, not before she had a chance to apologize. Instead of leaving, Sarah forced Laura to move over so she could sit beside her.

Sarah held Laura's hands and stared into her eyes. "I meant what I said. I'm not some guy looking for a one night stand. I'll admit I'm younger than you, but I'm not blind."

Laura looked away, ashamed. "I'm sorry. I've looked in a mirror so I know-."

"I said stop it." Sarah grabbed Laura's chin and forced her face around until Laura looked the younger woman eye to eye. "You're wasting both our time fishing for complements. Get on with your explanation." Laura nodded so Sarah released her face and returned to her seat. "How can you tell?"

"Bitter experience. When Tom, my husband, died, I placed the blame on him. I was so angry and hurt I almost didn't go to his funeral. You're angry and hurt too, but you're not running away like me, you're trying to change yourself. You think maybe if you're more of this and less of that your husband will come back. You're the one trying but your husband is the one who left. That tells me it's not your fault."

For a moment Sarah's lip trembled and Laura expected her to change the subject. Then she straightened up, downed half her wine and squared her jaw. "Two years ago my husband, Frank, left me. He claimed to still love me but wanted different things from life. He wanted," Sarah swallowed hard and took another drink. "He wanted a different sex life, different scenery, different everything."

"Most women would want to put a stake through his heart, dull end first," said Laura.

Sarah nodded. "It hurt, but I understood. I saw the changes in him and how much he hated telling me the decision he made. At the same time I knew he was right, I wanted to change my life too. He decided the best way for us to get what we wanted was to divorce."

"Did he take everything and leave you empty and broke?"

"No, he's a good man." Sarah got a distant look in her eye as she explained the details of her divorce. "He took every asset we had except the house and made two lists. He listed all our assets, stocks, earnings, insurance policies, everything. Then he showed me the two lists and told me to pick one. If I wanted something particular he offered to switch it for something of equal value. The dear man even included alimony from his projected pay for the next five years. Then he promised to always take care of me if I ever needed anything. I picked a list without reading it; possessions didn't matter. I failed him. After we signed the papers, he gave me the house and a car under one condition. He moved out of state but he still has business ties here. Whenever he's in town he stays at the house and I drive him around and take care of his needs."

"That's the strangest divorce I've ever heard of," said Laura. "I don't know what to say. Or think. Did you agree to the divorce because you're . . . " Laura shrugged and tilted her head toward the dance floor.

Sarah laughed at Laura's discomfort. "I think you can say "lesbian" here. And the answer is no, I didn't take the deal because I'm gay. At first I took it to show him I changed so he'd come back to me. I'm realizing that will never happen. So I came here to be in control and since I was so easy to control I figured other women were too." Sarah pointed to two women on the far edge of the dance floor. One woman pulled her partner's head back by the hair and licked her throat. "One look at them and I'd have come to my senses. If you hadn't run into me, I'd have turned around and left."

Laura fanned her blushing cheeks. "I know, I was on my way out, if you recall."

"I'm surprised you made it inside." Sarah's eyes crinkled in amusement at Laura's red cheeks.

"Me too." Laura smiled. "I'm glad I stayed though." Both women reached across the table simultaneously to hold the others hand.

"You ladies must be new," said their waitress.

Laura squealed and yanked her hand back as her blush returned with a vengeance.

"How did you guess?" Sarah left her hand on the table.

"The way you're going through the vino and not looking at anything around you."

Sarah smiled. "We're both a little nervous and not sure we even belong here."

"Oh, don't worry." The waitress waved the comment away. "We're pretty non-judgmental around here. No one will give you any trouble. In fact you two look so involved with each other I doubt you've even been approached."

"You're right." Laura glanced around the bar. "I didn't notice. Is that normal?"

"Depends on your body language. Your's says 'leave us alone.' Can I get you another round?"

Laura looked to Sarah, silently giving her the decision. "We'll have one last round."

"Okey-dokey." The waitress bustled off to the next table for their order.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Sarah. "Look around, are you attracted to any of these women?"

"No, I'm not gay."

"You didn't even look!" Sarah gestured toward the dance floor. "Look around, are you sure you can't imagine yourself kissing one of them? Look at the brunette at the bar, what about her?"

Laura glanced around and saw the young, fit woman Sarah indicated. She had to be half Laura's age. "I can't see myself kissing any of those girls."

"It's like that for most first timers, especially when they're older like you." Laura gasped and whipped around to see the waitress had returned with their drinks. Laura went crimson and couldn't have spoken even with a gun to her head. When she looked back at Sarah the younger woman laughed silently and wiped away tears before they smeared her mascara.

"Was it that way for you?" Sarah asked the waitress as she paid for the drinks.

"Oh, I'm not gay, the owner doesn't like lesbian waitresses. She says they spend too much time flirting and not enough time working. Thanks for the great tips, I hope you ladies come back soon. If you do, ask for Sandy." The girl went to deliver drinks to another table.

"So, Laura, how is your first visit to a lesbian bar?"

"It's had some surprises, but all in all I think I got what I came here for."

"What's that?"

"I got to meet a new friend."

Sarah smiled and blushed a little. "Thank you. I enjoy your company too."

"What about you? Is tonight turning out like you expected?"

"Actually, I think my time here worked out better than I expected."

"Really? How so?"

"I met a woman who seems nice and wants the same things from a relationship as me."

Laura felt something she hadn't felt since she met her husband and almost didn't recognize it. She had a genuine interest in another person. It seemed like Sarah wanted to have Laura's life while Laura wanted a simple life like Sarah's. "Let me guess, a poor innocent woman to seduce?" For a brief instant, much to Laura's surprise, she hopped it was true.

"No." Sarah chuckled and sipped her wine. "I'm not gay either."

"Sorry. I meant that as a joke. It's been a long time since I let my sense of humor out. It must be rusty." Laura didn't understand why she felt disappointed that Sarah wasn't seducing her. Had it been so long since she connected with someone that she didn't know any other way to continue an evening?

"No, I'm sorry." Sarah reached across the table and patted Laura's hand. "It's been a long time since I talked with someone. I want a confidante, someone to talk to who won't treat me like I'm simple and ignorant. Even if I am."

Laura retrieved a business card and pen from her purse. "Here's my private number." She scribbled her cell number on the card. "Call me."

Sarah looked at the card. "Laura Westover? I think I've heard of you. You gave a chunk of money to a single mothers organization not too long ago, right?"

"My business donated the money, not me." Laura stared at her wine glass and wondered if she was a little drunk. She wanted Sarah to make a pass at her. Was it the wine and atmosphere? The novelty of a relaxing drink with a friend with no hidden agendas? Both? "Aren't you going to call?"

"What, you mean right now?"

"Yes. I want to put your number in my phone so if you call I'll recognize it and answer. If I don't recognize a number I don't answer."

"A call screener, hunh?" Sarah got her phone and punched in the number.

"It's an occupational hazard." Laura programed Sarah's number into her phone. When she finished, she noticed Sarah doing the same thing.

"I guess this means our night is over." Sarah looked uncertain and pushed her glass around the table.

"Maybe." Laura didn't want it to end so early, but she already had too much to drink and another glass would have her calling a cab. She never drove drunk. "Unless you want to . . . "

"Don't trail off like that, in this place it sounds like you want to . . . there, see?" Sarah blew her bangs off her forehead. "You flustered me."

"I was thinking about getting some coffee."

Sarah laughed. "That's the second time tonight you've caught me completely off guard. Coffee sounds great."

Coffee sounded horrible. Laura would never sleep if she had coffee this late at night. "That's not what I was thinking." Laura looked away and bit her lip.

Sarah started to say something but stopped. She licked her lips and took a deep breath as if settling her nerves. "Tell me what you were thinking."

"I wanted to say something. As a joke. But I didn't know if I'd offend you. I chickened out." Laura's heart skipped a beat. Following an order instead of giving it felt odd.

"You won't offend me." Sarah held Laura in a steady gaze that made Laura's heart race.

"I wondered if . . . " Laura couldn't believe she was about to say what she thought. Her mouth went dry and now her heart pounded. The last time she felt this way was with Tom, the first time they'd kissed. Laura forced away the thought and summoned a light hearted smile. "I wondered if you thought we're chickening out? We're at a lesbian bar, shouldn't we have tried to, I don't know, fit in?"

"There's only one way to find out, Laura," said Sarah. "Kiss me."

Laura looked around the bar hoping no one over heard Sarah as her face burned with embarrassment yet again. "I can't," whispered Laura. Could she? "That's not what I meant."