My Sweet Candy Habit

This is the final chapter in the look back at my long term affair with Candy. It's the final chapter because sadly this is where the story ends. Candy came into my life unexpectedly and left in almost the same manner.

We'd been having a great time together, an epic affair. Candy and I had been involved for a bit more than five and a half years, sexually for all but the first eight months of this time when our relationship was strictly business related. Unfortunately the affair wasn't to last and when the end came it came suddenly and was ugly but necessary.

Over the life of our affair we'd grown together and had shared a lot, not just sexually but intellectually, personally and emotionally as well. Candy and I were as close as any two people could possibly be, married or otherwise. And like any couple we had our highs and our lows but throughout we always felt we wanted to be together, even if just for a little while given we were both married to others. But we made the best of our situation and were comfortable with it.

What's more I was truly in love with Candy. But I also loved my wife, just not enough to remain faithful. The difference in my love, desire, respect and admiration for these two women was so small it would be impossible to measure. But if pressed to make a choice that choice would be my wife. It was a decision that deep down I knew someday I'd have to make but hoped 'someday' would never come.

For the relatively short time she was I appreciated having Candy in my life. To be absolutely truthful about it I not only appreciated it but was thankful and recognized how fortunate I was to have had Candy in my life at all. I'd never known anyone, my wife included, who was as open, sensual, sexual and passionate about life as she was. Candy was truly one in a million. With her and through her I experienced a wealth of living life to its fullest.

The rest of this story is being told as a kind of therapy, so if you're not interested in the gory details this may be a good place to stop reading.

One day we were lying back against the headboard of her bed catching our breath after another vigorous round of lovemaking when I noticed Candy wasn't her usual spirited self.

In fact for the past few weeks I'd noticed from time to time short periods where Candy was moody. Seemingly at times she was morose, lost in thought or otherwise utterly distracted. As these states of mind seemed to become more frequent and also seemed to lengthen in duration each time they occurred, I grew increasingly more concerned.

That day prior to and during our lovemaking Candy had been her usual self; vivacious, eager and passionate. But after we'd made love her mood changed and she sat against the headboard looking down at her hands as they played with the embroidered flower on her bedspread. She was pulling at the threads of the flower not really seeing what she was doing.

Her mood seemed contemplative and thinking she may have been having troubles in her business I asked but she shook her head and said, "No, that's fine, in fact business is great."

I hadn't seen Richard, her 'married to for convenience' husband, for several days so thinking something may have been wrong I asked about him.

She looked at me with soulful eyes and responded, "No, Richard's fine too."

"Jocelyn?" asking about her long time female lover.

Candy just shook her head as she looked back down, looking but still not seeing what her hands were doing.

"Look Candy I know something's bothering you, has been for a while. Care to talk about it?"

She didn't answer, her fingers just continued to pull at the stitched flower.

In all our time together I'd never seen Candy acting as she'd recently been; something was definitely going on. I sat in thought, questioning myself on what I had missed in the past few weeks, what was it that was bothering Candy? What had happened in her life, in her business that could be the cause of these moods? When Candy finally got around to it the subject of the question she asked was not even vaguely among those I had considered.

Several minutes of silence had passed since I'd offered to talk about what was bothering her when Candy asked without looking at me, "What would you say if I left Richard and asked you to leave Helen and marry me?"

Stunned I sat there, Candy's question echoing in my head, a question that had come out of the sun and hadn't seen headed my way at all. During our affair nothing we'd ever said to each other even remotely hinted at anything along these lines. In fact the contexts of any discussions we may have had on the subject were quite the contrary, with Candy's stance consistently being strongly against making any changes in our respective personal lives.

For whatever reason, and I certainly can't explain why, the first thought in my mind after her question was, 'Well...it looks like 'someday' has finally arrived'. And strangely, given the question bouncing around inside my head, I also vaguely recalled a conversation Richard and I had along these very lines a couple of years earlier while sitting in a bar.

After saying nothing in response for a lengthy period Candy said, "Well, I guess your silence tells me what I want to know."

I turned to her, took her hand then said, "Candy look, I'm just surprised by this that's all. We've no secrets, you know what I am; I'm a no good bastard. I play around on the woman I claim to love and do all kind of things I shouldn't behind her back. If I left her for you what makes you think I wouldn't play around on you or leave you someday too?"

I know, I know. Telling Candy that was inexcusably lame but still my heart broke as I watched a single tear run down her cheek along her nose.

Going on I said, "You know there's no question I love you and that I love Helen too. But she's the mother of my children, we've been together for a very long time and she's put up with a lot of nonsense from me; she's earned the extra consideration. And frankly, and I've been up front about this, my love for you is different than it is for Helen. I love you much more than as a friend, but not as deeply as a life partner. But that's only because my wife is in my life. If she weren't then I'd accept your offer without hesitation, eagerly and happily. But I can't."

Candy nodded as more tears ran down her face, one dripping from her chin. After a couple of sniffles she said, "I know this was out of the blue but I've been thinking about it for a while now and...and hoped you loved me as much as I love you."

Pulling Candy to me she pushed her face against my chest and placed her arm across me. As we sat in silence, my arms around her I could feel her body shaking as she sobbed.

After she'd calmed down some I said, "Candy I do love you. We both know what we have when it started out was based purely on sex, nothing more than that at the time. But since then it has evolved into more than just sex, very much more. We've had great times together and have come to know each other better than most people do in these type relationships. Feelings have developed between us, deep feelings. And I've freely admitted my love for you many times, but it's not the kind of love I feel for my wife. I know that sounds hypocritical and selfish of me sitting here in your bed saying that after what we've just done, but it's the truth."

She didn't lift her head but instead just nodded and continued to cry.

Except for Candy's crying, a few minutes of silence passed. Then she turned her head to lay the side of it against my chest and said between sniffles, "I know how we started and what's happened since then. In the beginning like usual I went into this for the fun of it. And even though I was attracted to you right from the start, from when I first saw you in Dallas making that speech I didn't intend on falling in love with you...but I did. I guess I've always wanted it both ways. I've never wanted a permanent relationship with a man, but I also didn't want to be alone. And I've also never been with a man as long as I've been with you, besides Richard I mean, but that's different. And even though I've never had a problem being the 'other woman', I swore to myself a long time ago I wouldn't be one of 'those' women...someone who asked men to leave their wives for me. That was...until you came into my life." Then Candy began to sob heavily again, her body shaking as she lay against me.

My head was swimming and I felt terrible for how this conversation and the overall situation were affecting Candy. She laid against me hugging me tightly as sobbing racked her body. My arms were around her shoulders, my cheek resting against the top of her head as I thought about what she'd said.

Then softly I said, "You know Candy, no matter what happens I'll always be there for you."

Again she only nodded her head against my chest.

After another minute or so of silence had passed I asked, "Candy...given the way you feel...would it be better if we took a break from each other for awhile?"

Candy snapped her head up, looked at me with a tear streaked face and said sharply, "No! Even if I can't have you with me all the time I still want you in my life. I don't want to give you up. I need you with me. Please just forget I'd said anything, anything at all about it. I need you here, just like we've always been together. We don't need to make any changes. Ok?"

I nodded then gently pressed her head back down onto my chest. And even while doubting the wisdom of this decision said, "Ok then."

We carried on for nearly another three weeks but Candy's moods didn't change. If anything they got worse and the episodes of her brooding occurred with more frequency. And while during work she was the consummate professional, after work she was drinking to excess almost nightly and at times was downright depressed.

I tried talking to her about what she was doing to herself but she'd hear nothing of it, not wanting to talk about it at all, denying there was any problem whatsoever. My concern for Candy's wellbeing, not only physical but mental grew by the day. I could see the path we were on was headed for disaster unless something were done, and done soon. And since I couldn't get through to her, couldn't help her myself, I knew what had to be done.

But I didn't want to have to do it...not this. Once again it was my selfishness trying to play a part in the decision making process. And even though I'd told myself I was doing this for Candy's wellbeing which for the most part was true, apparently not all my reasons were entirely altruistic. More than I'd care to admit that realization bothered me. Nevertheless I knew I had to put my personal feelings aside and get past the fog of my own egotism.

What was clear was the reality of me not leaving my wife was eating at Candy a bit more each day. The truth of the matter was although Candy had said she still wanted me to be in her life it wasn't what she really wanted our relationship to be like anymore. And in this case not having what she wanted was having a terrible affect on her. The status quo of the past five plus years was no longer acceptable to Candy, although she may not have even been aware of that truth except on a subconscious level.

Despite my love for her being as the song goes, 'river deep and mountain high' I made up my mind I'd have to leave Candy for her own health and sanity. But the very idea of letting Candy go scared the hell out of me, just as the idea of leaving my wife did.

Frankly for me the whole situation was a Gordian Knot; I couldn't decide which idea scared me more. And if I wasn't careful I could lose both women. But to some degree the issue had already been decided when I'd told Candy that Helen had 'earned the extra consideration', which was true.

So since Candy knew I wouldn't leave my wife and she was having such a difficult time dealing with it, I felt it wouldn't be right for me to stay with her. The irony of the situation was leaving Candy would hurt her, but staying would hurt her more. In my mind that left but one option. But because of my own nagging selfishness I needed someone to tell me this was the right thing to do. So knowing I'd be going in circles trying to talk with Candy about it anymore I decided to talk to the two people closest to her; Richard and Jocelyn.

We met at a park near Jocelyn's home because we didn't want to meet someplace where Candy might pop up unexpectedly and then have to explain what we were doing. We sat at one of the picnic tables under a shelter across the road from the lake to talk.

It surprised me Richard was already aware of Candy's decision to leave him if I'd agreed to her proposal. But he explained it away by saying, "You know the circumstances of our marriage, really I understand. With me it's a pretend marriage and I would have given Candy a divorce if that's what she wanted."

We talked it over for quite a bit, more than two and a half hours in fact. We discussed all the options we could think of on how to remedy this problem, including some of the ones we'd already tried and failed at. In the end we mutually agreed despite how difficult it would be it would be best if I stepped out of the picture for awhile. But as they both pointed out to me, although it was a group discussion the final decision was mine.

So thinking of Candy's wellbeing I reluctantly made the only decision I could. Besides I got what I needed out of it; someone telling me it was the 'right' thing to do.

The decision now made we agreed I'd go to Candy's house when we left the park and tell her while Jocelyn and Richard waited up the street to step in and be with her afterwards.

I took a moment to remove the key to Candy's home from my key ring. But before I gave it up I held it between thumb and forefinger and stared at it. Stared at it like it was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen; this symbol of what I was relinquishing.

Reaching out I placed the key into Jocelyn's palm and watched as her fingers closed around it. In my mind it was as if I could hear the echoing sound of a heavy door slamming shut when her hand closed completely.

Jocelyn, with tears in her eyes, placed her other hand against my face and said, "Poor baby, I know this is going to be hard on you too. I know how you feel about Candy, and I know how much you really do love her." Then she stood up on her tip toes, wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me for several seconds then kissed my cheek.

After that we walked over to where the three of us had parked. Jocelyn hugged me again before getting into her car, leaving the park first. As we watched her drive away I said to Richard, "You know some time ago we talked about this happening. Remember?"

He nodded, replying solemnly, "Yeah. I remember." Then after several moments added, speaking sincerely, "Bill I'm really sorry it came to this. What was it now? Five years?"

Nodding I said, "More or less."

Richard looked at me with sad eyes and said, "You know Candy really does love you." His words were really more a statement of fact than a question of whether I was aware of Candy's love.

"I know. And truth be known I love her too, but...," and I really didn't know what else to say, so I let the last word hang there.

Nothing else was said for nearly another minute when Richard commented, "This is going to hurt Candy."

I didn't respond, or rather I couldn't respond for quite a bit. Internally my emotions were in turmoil and I was battling to get them under control. And even though I thought I had them in check, when I finally spoke my voice still betrayed the rawness of those emotions. My head barely moved as I nodded in agreement and said, "I know. I wish there were another way...any other way. But if there is the three of us couldn't see it." Pausing another ten or so seconds I asked as I looked away from Richard, looked towards some children playing on a swing set off to my right, "Do you remember I once told you someone always gets hurt when these things end?"

Richard nodded and responded, "Uh huh."

After pausing for a couple of heartbeats as I fought back tears I said, my voice breaking, "Well...this time everyone gets hurt."

We stood together silently for another minute or two then Richard patted me on the shoulder and then walked to the drivers side of his car. After he'd gotten in Richard rolled the window down and said, "You know what I'd said earlier was the truth. If Candy wanted a divorce to marry you, I'd have given her one. Hell I'd have walked her down the aisle and given her away to you at the wedding. Her happiness is what's important to me. And if nothing else you did make Candy happy."

"Her happiness and her health are important to me too Richard. And believe it or not it's why I'm doing this." And after several long seconds I added, "But I had to make a choice and it's not always easy."

Richard stared up at me for almost five full seconds then nodded and drove off.

Now came the tricky part. I knew Candy had to pull herself out of this nosedive she was in and the only way for that to happen was to not be in her life for a while. We'd tried turning things around with me in her life and it just wasn't working, we weren't getting anywhere and the situation just continued to worsen. The way I saw it there was no other choice. And although I didn't really feel it was a possibility I hoped this wouldn't turn into some kind of fatal attraction situation.

Talk about having feet of clay. Watching as Richard drove away I had to will my legs to move so I could walk around and get into my SUV. It took much longer than it should have but about two minutes after Richard had drove off I finally backed out of the parking slot and went to do this...this despicable thing.

While driving to Candy's home the final reality set in; my mind screaming at me, "Oh my God, I'm leaving Candy." Who was I kidding? I knew deep down when I went to her house this evening I wouldn't be leaving Candy 'for a while'. This would be permanent and it was killing me, I was dying inside. But I had to think of Candy. This would be hard on her too and I was glad she'd have Jocelyn and Richard there for her afterwards.

Arriving at her house unannounced at seven I rang the doorbell and when she let me in Candy didn't even ask why I hadn't used my key. We exchanged a few pleasantries and I studied Candy as we walked through the foyer and into her living room. I could see nothing had changed; her mood was as it had been for some time now. I was thankful to see although she had been drinking she wasn't anywhere near drunk; Candy would have her wits about her for this. I wouldn't have gone through with it had she been drunk; I needed Candy to be coherent, to understand.

But really I guess the truth is again I was just being selfish. I was glad I wouldn't have to put this off because frankly I'm not sure I could have worked up the courage a second time to do this.

Holding Candy's hand between mine as we sat on the sofa I said in a soft voice, "Everyone's very worried about the way you've been behaving lately. The drinking to excess, the moping around, and the mood swings. I know what it's about too."

"Oh really, they are, huh? Well there's no problem here and I've been behaving just fine. I've told you this a hundred times. I wish you'd just drop it because I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"Candy if you truly believe that then you're in denial. I know I'm the cause of all this...this heartache, the way you're feeling right now, this moment, the reason you're acting the way you have been."

Candy abruptly pulled her hand from between mine, crossed her arms in front of her, gave me a sideward glance and commented with a short derisive, "Huh!"