We slept, Jonah draped around and over me. A thought wandered through my brain about the mother question, but he was a big boy, and it didn't appear they were very close, to say the least.
He wouldn't tell her where he'd been, or who he'd been with. If she even asked, his response would probably be, "Out." And if she said, "Where?" he could say, "Paul's house," but it probably wouldn't even get that far. Now, his friendship with Paul seemed rather convenient.
****
It felt kind of weird to be in the kitchen with both Jonah and Paul for breakfast. They only wanted coffee, and I got something simple for myself.
But having my son and his best friend as my lover in the same room left me feeling like an actor with no motivation. I didn't know my lines; I couldn't remember the stage directions, so I just sort of stood stiffly by myself, hoping someone would plug in the teleprompter.
Paul stood leaning against the wall with his arms folded and Jonah sprawled on a chair by the table, and I had the feeling they didn't know their lines either.
I sat at the table next to Jonah very straight with my bowl of cereal, and my movements were kind of robotic.
Paul got his coffee and took it to the front room. I got up and poured some for Jonah and set it in front of him. Then I sat down again. The cereal stuck in my throat. It didn't want to go down.
Jonah sipped his coffee, and I managed to finish most of the bowl.
Jonah stood up. "'Bye."
I looked up, a little startled. "Oh. 'Bye."
He moved to the doorway and gave a quick hand gesture in Paul's direction.
"See ya'," came from the living-room.
Then he headed out the back door. For some reason, it really bothered me that he didn't kiss me good-bye.
All day long, I kept feeling like I'd forgotten to do something. Then I would remember. He hadn't kissed me good-bye.
I told myself that it didn't matter. That things had been a little awkward. That he was part of the younger generation. That they did things differently. That they didn't have the same social habits as my generation. That maybe he was distracted.
That he didn't have to kiss me. That what he'd given me the night before, and all the other times was plenty. That we'd had lots of wonderful kisses.
But it still bugged me. I just felt something missing, all day long.
I think what was really missing was security. Our relationship still felt so tentative, so fragile. Like the least little thing could vaporize it, and there'd be nothing left but memories. We'd had some mind-blowing exchanges, but I was starting to want more. I wanted to know more about Jonah: who he was; what he was doing when he wasn't fucking my brains out.
The things I had felt from him so far - from his hands, his mouth, his sex - he was so intuitive; there was this power there, this...gift. And all the things he didn't say. I knew they were in there - at least, I thought they were - because on some level his silence was more eloquent than any of the philosophical speeches I had ever heard.
I wondered if I was just making all this up. After all, a lot of the time, Jonah was just a blank canvas. Maybe I was just painting what I wanted to see. Maybe there really was nothing behind his quiet, sometimes sullen, demeanor. Maybe he really wasn't saying anything.
Well, he had treated me pretty great so far. It was making me want more. And there was only one way to find out if what I was hoping to find was there. Keep seeing him.
Not that anyone could have stopped me at this point.
I got an idea late in the day. I called Jonah and asked if he wanted to go on a picnic the next day. He said okay.
"I could pick you up..." I offered, then thought better of it. "No, you better come over here first. We'll go from here."
My driveway was hidden from the view of all my neighbors, so I felt safe leaving with Jonah. We headed up the steep winding road into the forest nearby. There were plenty of private spots up there.
I turned off on a trail and drove as far as the road went. Then we unloaded the food and a blanket, and went up the trail on foot.
We veered off the trail, and found this gorgeous little grassy meadow enclosed by trees. The summer rains had come, and there were purple and yellow flowers everywhere.
I lay the blanket over the grass, and Jonah unloaded the bags onto the ground.