My Fall and Rise

Bonnie and Clyde

I had been with many men before Nicky, but I had never really been in love.

Nicky treated me in a way no one ever had before. Almost every day, he presented me with some little gift or some special gesture that made me feel appreciated, valued. It might be a pair of earrings, it might only be a bag of potato chips, but he never came to me empty handed. It didn't matter the price, I knew that wherever he went, the thought of making me happy never left his mind.

The trouble was, after that first evening in his cabin, nothing made me happier than cocaine. Nicky enjoyed it as well, though not as much as I did, but he certainly enjoyed the way my sexual inhibitions melted away under its influence. I was available for his pleasure any time he wanted me. I sucked his cock for hours. I would awaken him in the morning with my mouth. I would blow him while he watched porn. I would give him road head while he drove around dropping off his deliveries of marijuana.

I gave him hand jobs in movie theaters. I made out with girls in bars for his viewing. He would, on a whim, bend me across the furniture and fuck me. He would feel me up under restaurant tables. Cocaine didn't make me love him or make me want to please him. But it did free me to express my feelings in ways I might never have done without it.

The early days of our relationship seemed almost like a fairy tale idyll. We were seldom apart, except for those few days when Nicky took roofing jobs. I enjoyed being the lady of his house, cooking for him, making the little cabin into our cozy love nest. All that summer I kept the house filled with the scent of wildflowers I'd pick in the surrounding meadows. When the weather turned cold, we would cuddle by the fireplace, sometimes holding and kissing each other for hours without speaking.

But it was not a fairy tale.

I can not escape responsibility for anything that happened later. It was my desire for coke, and his eagerness to fulfill it, that spurred Nicky to seek more income, and set us both on the path towards tragedy.

Nicky decided that he could bring in more income if he branched out beyond selling marijuana. Many of his customers did other drugs and he started asking around about contacts for other products to sell. Pretty soon he was doing a brisk business in pills of many kinds. I was anxious that my own appetites would be stoked by proximity to his new wares, but I found that, as long as I had access to coke, I wasn't interested in any other highs.

I usually drove along with Nicky as he made his deliveries. At first, each stop was like dropping in on friends, but gradually, as his network expanded and the amount of money involved grew, it all began to seem more like serious business.

One day, I was waiting in the car while Nicky made a delivery to a long time customer. When he came out of the house, he ran to the car, with a wide grin on his face. He jumped in the driver's seat, grabbed my head in both hands and gave me a big kiss.

"We are about to hit the jackpot, girlfriend!" he beamed.

"Why? What happened?"

"This guy, Billy, I know him from way back, he got busted on a burglary charge, and he's going away for at least a year."

"That makes you happy?"

"No, listen, he sells oxy. So, while he's away, I am going to take over from him. He gave me his contact, and he's going to take me around to meet up with his regular customers. Baby, he's bringing in, like, a thousand dollars a week."

"Makes you wonder why the hell he's pulling burglaries."

"Aw, that was over some old beef with a girlfriend or something. Broke in to get stuff he said was his, she said was hers."

The guy was making a thousand dollars a week selling oxy, but was going to prison because he wanted his game system back or something. That was the level of people we were usually dealing with.

"So who is this connection?"

"Some guy named Nate, from Rhode Island. He has some connection at a pharmaceutical warehouse, a buddy who works there or something. So, we are going on a road trip!"

I was giving Nicky road head on the freeway when, just over the Rhode Island line, he turned onto an exit ramp going much too fast, sped down the street into a shopping center parking lot, doughnutted to a screeching stop and came in my mouth.

I sat up and he handed me his phone. "Here, use the GPS. I don't know where shit is in Providence."

Nicky grew agitated worrying that if we were late, it might screw up his deal, but I navigated us to the meeting place, a clam shack on the South Side. We managed to arrive just a few minutes after the appointed time.

"Look for a guy in a red leather jacket," Nicky told me.

"Red? That shouldn't be hard to spot."

It wasn't. Nate sat in a booth at the back of the restaurant, drinking a cup of milky coffee. He waved and welcomed us with a friendly smile. He was a big guy, stocky and well over six feet tall.

Nicky and I slid into the booth and we all introduced ourselves. Nate waved over a waitress and ordered three bottles of Narragansett. We made small talk while we waited for the beer. He seemed quite warm, asking us how our trip was and if we'd had any trouble finding the restaurant.

"To new friends," Nate toasted, when the beer arrived. Then it was time to talk business.

Nate reached into his pocket and showed us a a white prescription bottle, then spirited it away again. "120 Oxycontin tablets, thirty milligrams each. The prescription cost is about five or six bucks a pill. On the street, the standard price is a buck a milligram. And higher in the rural places where it's harder to get."

"So, how much are you selling for?" Nicky asked.

"Well, you are in luck, my friend. I am willing to let you have this bottle for twenty four hundred. That's twenty bucks a pop, you can probably get forty for them up there in the boondocks, so it's a hell of a deal for you."

"Why?" I asked. "Why give us a deal?"

Nicky gave me a dirty look, but Nate laughed.

"That's a good question, sweetheart. The answer is, because the market down here is saturated, there's a lot of competition. And I am sitting on more product than I can sell."

"I can go as high as two grand," Nicky told him.

"Well, there are always ways to work things out," Nate shrugged.

"What do you have in mind?"

Nate looked at me. "I am always willing to offer a pussy discount," he said.

"What?" Nicky and I asked simultaneously.

He looked straight at NIcky, not at me. "Your girl and I can go get a room for a couple of hours, and she works off the other four hundred."

My stomach turned over. Nicky's face turned red. "No way, dude, not going to happen," he said, his voice quavering. "Sorry man, but that's not a deal."

Nate put his hands up in a gesture of surrender. "Okay man, no harm meant. Jut a possibility. Now, the thing is, I am not looking for a one time deal here, I am looking for a regular arrangement. So, I'm willing to go ahead and let you have the bottle for two thou, with the understanding that we are both interested in an ongoing relationship."

I was still speechless, but Nicky agreed and shook his hand. I was apprehensive about the whole thing. He could have sold us half a bottle, or counted out however many pills he was willing to sell for two thousand, but he was giving us a sweetheart deal. It occurred to me that perhaps I understood something that Nicky had yet to learn, that when someone offers you a good deal, it's because they expect to be paid back with interest later. But I put my faith in Nicky and let it go.

Nicky was giddy when we left the restaurant. He kept running through the math, over and over.

"If we sell this bottle at forty each, and put in some of the pot money, we can get two bottles next time. Even if he wants twenty four hundred each, that still gives us almost five grand profit. Jesus, baby, we can make serious bank here."

Becoming partners with someone like Nate was a big leap from selling your own homegrown pot, and it did make me nervous. But I was getting used to money at our disposal, and excited at the thought of having even more. I liked it when Nicky bought me things. I liked eating at nice restaurants with him. Most of all, I liked coke, now we would be able to afford as much of it as we wanted. I didn't think about the morality of selling the oxy. I didn't think about the legal risk. I only thought about the money we could make and what we could do with it.

I had a couple hundred dollars on me, held back as our traveling money. We stopped at a store and bought some snacks and a bottle of Jack Daniels. We felt a little nervous in Rhode Island, so we drove across the state line into Massachusetts and checked into a motel.

When we were in the room, Nicky wrapped his arms around me, picked me up and spun me around.

"This is awesome, babe!" he said, "I can't believe it."

We fell on the bed together and began kissing. He slid his hand under my shirt and caressed my breasts. "This is definitely an occasion for celebrating. Maybe we could do something special."

"Something special" was a sort of code for him. Nicky could be surprisingly demure when it came to talking about sex. But I knew what he wanted.

"Sure, baby," I said. I got up and went into the bathroom to undress and prepare. When I came out, Nicky was lying on the bed, naked, stroking his cock. I knelt on the bed beside him and placed my hand on his, and we stroked together. After a few minutes he took his hand away and reached for his overnight bag, which lay on the bed beside him. I leaned down and began kissing his balls and the underside of his shaft while he took a bottle of cocaine out of the bag. He tapped a little bit of the white powder from the bottle on to the head of his cock. I took the head in my mouth and swirled my tongue around it, spreading the powder on my gums. I took the whole shaft in my mouth. I knew the coke would make his cock numb, so I sucked extra hard. He put his hands on my head and held it down until I started to gag.

"You know, you already got your dick sucked today, this isn't fair," I said when I raised my head.

"You're right," he replied. He sat up and pushed me on to my back. "It's time for me to get my pussy discount," he said as he went down on me. In our youthful foolishness, we both found it funny.

Nicky gave very good head. He was sensitive to my reactions and constantly adjusted to them. He brought me to the edge of orgasm several times, but each time backed me down again, keeping me wanting more.

The coke buzz was wearing off, so Nicky gave himself another bump. He took my hands and pulled me up on my knees. I turned around and grabbed the pillows from the head of the bed and stacked them in the center. Nicky reached from behind and held spoonful of coke in front of my face. I inhaled it, then lowered myself down over the pillows.

Nicky's hands roamed over my ass and my pussy and the backs of my thighs. His thumb found my asshole and played there, caressing small circles around it. When the cocaine peaked, I looked over my shoulder at him and nodded, and he pushed his cock into my ass. The effects of the cocaine blocked the pain from his entry, and by the time the peak began to subside, all I felt was a satisfying sensation of being full of him. At first, I just laid, sprawled over the stack of pillows, enjoying the feeling of his cock pumping in and out of me. But, as the coke wore off, the sensation grew stronger, and I began rising up to meet his thrusts. Soon, he was pounding my ass hard, and I was pushing back just as hard. We were shaking the bed so hard it was banging against the wall.

Nicky reached around my hips and his fingers slipped inside my pussy, his thumb caressing my clit. The first time I came, my back stiffened, and I almost threw Nicky off of me. He held on, though, wrapping his free arm around my waist and grinding into me. We both came, and fell on to our sides. His cock slipped out of me, and we lay there spooned, trying to catch our breath. The knocking sound continued though, and we realized that the occupant of the next room was pounding on the wall.

"Fuck you, man!" Nicky hollered. "We're celebrating!"

We sold the first bottle of oxy in less than a week. Nicky called Nate and arranged another pickup, and as he had planned, he added in some of the money he was bringing in from the marijuana sales and purchased two bottles.

In all the decades that law enforcement has been fighting the drug trade, they never seem to have understood that it operates like any other business. We hit the jackpot, because we came in at an opportune time in the business cycle. The craze for bath salts had been big news, and every law enforcement agency in the state had made it their top priority to crack down on anyone selling the salts. Most of those dealers also handled oxy and other prescription opioids. By knocking out those operations, the powers that be opened the market up and simultaneously made it more lucrative, encouraging new players to get in the game. Before long, we were on the road nearly every day, driving all over the state making deliveries. Once a week we would meet Nate at a rest area or shopping center somewhere in Massachusetts or Rhode Island for more product..

For a long time afterwards, my explanation for what happened always began with "my boyfriend was a drug dealer...", but that is a cop out, an act of cowardice. I wasn't just Nicky's ornament, I was his partner. I went with him to every pickup and most of the deliveries. I helped him plan the trips. I tried, with mixed success, to keep track of the money, and with much more success, I sure as hell spent it.

The fact is, we had a hell of a lot of fun on what I later thought of as the Long Joy Ride. We travelled all over the state, on highways and winding dirt roads, blasting Johnny Cash and Steve Earle on the stereo and bumping our buzz whenever our energy lagged.

We ate most of our meals at roadside dives, where Nicky took great delight in leaving the waitresses fifty dollar tips. He would talk about how the famous gangsters of the old days, like Pretty Boy Floyd, would always share their loot with the poor and downtrodden.

And we fucked our coked up brains out. We fucked in motels and in alleys and in farm fields. He fucked me over fallen trees and on the hood of the car and in the bathrooms of a dozen bars.

One night, after making a delivery, we checked into a motel and walked down to a nearby roadhouse. It was about half full and most of the patrons were clustered around a small stage cheering for and laughing at a succession of mediocre karaoke singers. We took a corner table at the far end of the room.

We ordered a couple of beers and shots of Drambuie. When the waitress brought them over, she gestured towards the bar. "Skip says it's on him," she told us. We looked over and saw a guy who had been one of Nicky's regular pot customers, sitting with a couple of girls. He raised his glass to us, and we returned the gesture. A little while later, one of the girls came over to our table. She was petite and cute, with streaked blonde hair. She was wearing a very short skirt and I noticed Nicky's eyes on her legs as she pulled out a chair and sat down.

"Hi, I'm Chrissie," she said. "I'm a friend of Skip."

We introduced ourselves, and Nicky ordered a round for the three of us. Chrissie moved her chair closer to mine and leaned in over the table.

"So, um, Skip said you guys might have some blow."

"We might," Nicky grinned.

"Are you selling any?"

"No," he winked, "but we might share."

Chrissie turned to me. I felt her hand on my thigh. "What about you, honey? You willing to share?"

"Sure," I said, "I'm okay with sharing."

She kissed me lightly on the side of my mouth. I glanced at Nicky and saw him watching, his eyes wide. We had played these sort of games before, but we had never taken it past flirting and a little kissing. Tonight, I sensed, he was eager to take things further. I turned my head to Chrissie and kissed her soft, full lips. Her tongue slid forward and we made a show of our kissing for Nicky. I felt his hand on my other thigh, and I broke away from her and leaned across the table to him. He kissed me, then chugged down the last of his beer.

"Come on, let's go," he said, rising from his seat. We rushed back to the motel. It was getting colder and the wind was blowing swirls of snow around our legs.

We had a bottle of cinnamon schnapps in the room and Chrissie and I each took a drink while Nicky set out three lines of coke on the top of the dresser. After we each did our line, Chrissie and I sat facing each other in the middle of the bed while Nicky sat in a chair watching us kiss. While I had told him that I was curious and willing to try having sex with another girl, he knew that this was mostly for his enjoyment. He directed us as we undressed each other. Chrissie was not used to the amount of coke to which Nicky and I had become accustomed. She was very high and could not stop giggling as I pushed her down on her back and began kissing and caressing her breasts.

Nicky undressed and joined us on the bed. He knelt next to Chrissie's head and I watched as she sucked his cock. It felt strange to see another woman giving head to my man. I felt jealousy, but also a sense of pride. I had a man that others desired, and that felt good. I raised my head and Nicky pulled out of her mouth and turned toward me. I took his cock as deeply into my throat as I could, before slowly releasing it. I suppose it was a way of marking my property.

Nicky turned back to Chrissie while I kissed my way down her body. I moved between her legs and spread them wide. I had never looked closely at a vagina before, and I spent some time studying it, running my fingers over it, gently probing it. I looked up and saw Chrissie and Nicky both watching me. She was stroking his coke, and he was spooning more coke out of his vial. He bent down and offered me a bump. I closed my eyes and relished the rush of cool numbness, then i lowered my mouth to Chrissie's pussy and began to lick it. It tasted like the ocean. I found her clit with my tongue and sucked it gently between my lips.

I could feel the bed shifting beneath me, and then Nicky was behind me, his hands on my waist. I arched my back and felt him slide inside me. I must have been doing a good job on Chrissie, because she was moaning loudly. As Nicky began to pick up the pace of his thrusts, I began licking her faster and sucking her harder. I reached up and squeezed her tits.That seemed to raise her arousal to another level, and she began to jerk her hips. We came in a chain reaction, first Chrissie, then Nicky, then me.

I crawled up to kiss Chrissie, then laid down next to her. Nicky went to the bathroom, then came back with the bottle of schnapps. He got on the bed behind me, and we each took a pull from the bottle. The three of us snuggled together while the coke wore off. After a while, Chrissie got up and got dressed. She came back to the bed and we shared a long kiss. Nicky threw his clothes on and walked her back to where her car was parked near the roadhouse.

I crawled under the covers while I waited for him to come back. When he did, I pretended I was asleep and watched him as he undressed and prepared for bed. I thought Chrissie was prettier than me. She certainly had a nicer figure than me. But I was the one who was waiting in bed for him. When he got in, I cuddled against him and he wrapped his arms around me.

"How are you doing?" he asked. "Are you okay with what happened?"

"Yeah, I'm okay, baby, it was fun."

"So, did you like, you know, going down on her?" "I liked it, sure."

"Just don't decide you like it better than sucking my dick."

"I love this dick," I said, reaching down and running my fingers over it.