Mr Computer Cleaner

The setting is a small city in New Zealand. The hero with the odd name of Dio falls into an usual occupation that connects him to an assortment of offbeat characters. Dio enjoys a life richer in many ways than most people around him. He and twenty year old Carra break-down the hostility of Carra's parents over the 12-year age difference between her and Dio and become engaged. Dio has to adjust from living a life that includes accessible flesh drifting his way to learning to be loyal to his chosen one. They sell and buy property and Carra becomes more closely involved in the new company as a shareholder after it signs its first franchise.

*

After calling on two clients the next morning, Mr Computer Clearner Dio Wellington hurried back to the city centre. He just had to see the historic launch. He arrived at Wayne's garage carrying a camera and whistled wolfishly. Carra looked stunning, and her outfit went really well with the car. Carmen looked equally dashing in yellow and black, her hat even larger than Carra's.

Dio kissed them and Carmen was moaning. "I didn't realize the car was so small. I was expecting something the size of my car."

"I don't think MG made anything approaching the size of you saloon, madam," said Wayne and then began instructing Carra about how to drive the car. Fortunately her mother's previous car had a manual gearbox so she felt comfortable at the thought of returning to manual gear changing with the MG.

"That Wayne man is very smooth, very smooth indeed - and kind," said Carmen. "He noticed that the motor in my car has a miss, and offered to fix it after work this evening. But there is something about him – I sense it. I grew up becoming a very good judge of horse flesh and men are not all that different. I need you to advise me."

Sorry Wayne, thought Dio, in giving his reply: "I would recommend you rely on your instincts, Carmen. If you feel apprehensive, then don't do it. If you feel adventuresome, then do ahead."

"What adventure would be involved?"

"Who knows, Carmen; let your mind soar."

"Rely on my instinct you say?"

But there was no reply. Dio was over by the car taking a photograph of Carra trying to hold on to her hat as she was climbing down into her seat.

Dio took several more photographs including the final one of the two women in the car driving straight at him. He jumped out of the way and called, "Floor it!"

Carra hit the gas pedal and both hats sailed up into the air and landed on the road behind the rapidly moving vehicle. She drove back, laughing and even Carmen had a big grin – a beautiful shot caught by Dio and his camera.

"This little car; it is so beautiful for two ladies, but we must now be ladies without our 'ats," she said.

Dion put the hats on the floor behind the front seats.

"Floor it!" cried Carmen, and her daughter obliged.

Carmen came into focus a couple of weeks later when Carra confided that Cal thought his wife was having an affair.

"What!" said Dio. "Carmen? It's more likely that Cal is."

"That's not funny, Dio," Carra said sharply.

He looked at her and saw her bottom lip was trembling. Oh dear. The safe thing was to say something simple.

"Tell me about it."

Carra shot him a grateful glance. "She leaves the house every Wednesday and Friday afternoon just as she would go shopping. But she wears jeans and an old hat and has a carry bag.

"What's in the carry bag?"

"Daddy doesn't know."

"Where does she go?"

"Daddy doesn't know. He's afraid to follow her in fear that she would lose it completely if she caught him at it."

"But she ought to be pleased that he's worried about their marriage."

Carra shook her head. "Dio, you know very well that's the last possible spin mama would put on such behavior."

"Yeah, you are right. Decapitation would probably be the first thing to spring to her mind."

"Dio, she's really not that bad. You always exaggerate and make her out to be worse than she is. She can be extremely soft and loving at times."

"What can we do?" he said, scratching the back of his neck.

"I was hoping you could answer that. I am a little close."

He knew not to know to ask what that last bit meant, as he'd be no wiser after hearing the response.

"We could follow her."

"What – in your explosive red ute or my equally maxi-noticeable sports car?"

"Is there such a word?"

"You're stalling, Dio."

"I'll borrow Mike's van – he only uses it in the mornings."

"What color is it?"

"Dirty white."

"How big is it?"

"Van size?" he said, waiting to be tongue lashed.

"Well, that sounds reasonably inconspicuous. We can wear sunglasses so we won't be recognized."

"We always do."

"I'm under pressure Dio!"

"So you are. Sorry. When do we go undercover?"

"Tomorrow at 1:30. Please pick me up outside Ronnie's office at 1:15."

Dio sighed, and began to think about it:

Ace detective Dio the Diabolic and his sidekick Carra the Catalyst mentally synchronized their watches and dashed into town to hire two 1940s trench coats.

The old fella in the dingy store with its bare floorboards, tilted back his hat and scratched his head. 'Ain't saying we have trench coats son, at least not in my time which is nigh on fifty-five years. But we have trenching spades – will they do instead?' Out of the side of his mouth Ace detective Dio told the old man, 'Give us four, buddy. We can each wear one front or back. The person we'll be following will never know as she will be looking straight ahead.'

"Dio – you're not listening. Do you want to watch TV? There's a really old classic detective movie on tonight, the 'Maltese Falcon', starring James Mason."

"Yes and no – Yes, I will watch it with you and no it doesn't star James Mason – the lead is none other than Humphrey Bogart. Get the popcorn out, baby."

The next day Carra looked very dissatisfied. "Good heaven, this old crate smells of oil, sex and garbage. I hope no-one I know sees me in it."

"The van is clapped out, so that's engine oil you can smell. The sex smell is probably a mixture of cabbage and fish, remnants of foodstuff collected from the wholesale markets for the café that have fallen into nooks and crannies or under your seat."

"Stop teasing, Dio. I don't want a fish flapping out from under my seat and on to my legs."

"Sweetheart, fish that smell this bad have been dead for some days, if not weeks. Believe me."

"Well, at least drive slowly so you don't shake out dead fish from under the seat."

"Baby, the top speed of this vehicle is forty miles an hour with the wind behind it. Fortunately for us you mother drives slowly to stop speedsters going so fast."

"Who told you that?"

"Your father."

"What else has he told you that would embarrass either mama or me?"

"Babe my lips are sealed. I have no wish to start a range war."

"What's a range war and why are you suddenly calling me babe. It's uncouth."

"Detectives always call the broad, who's their sidekick, babe."

"Oh, I might have known. You're into one of your fantasizing phases again."

"Quick, duck down under the dashboard babe, here is our subject."

"Ugh, Dio! There is a revolting smell down here."

"Never mind, you can come up now. Subject has turned into Sunrise Street, which obviously means she's heading east. Note the time and write began tailing Subject at 1:33."

"Grow up, Dio. Turn on the air conditioning and put your foot down hard."

"The pedal is jammed to the floorboards. The air conditioning is that little silver handle by your elbow: it's called a window winder."

"I can see that, and anyway, I would have much preferred a clean white van with air conditioning, a fast motor and no smells."

"This van has a fast motor. It's just that it's a model without fast wheels."

"Is that true, or are you teasing me?"

"Quick, make a note. Subject turned into Ten Mile Road at 1:36."

"I'm not taking notes. That's silly. But go faster, we'll lose her."

"Fortunately, Ten Mile Road is ten miles long with lots of straight stretches. Here we are, around the corner we go. Oops, a bit of under-steer or is it over-steer? Doesn't matter – oops, almost a fuck-up with us rolling over. Look – there is your mother, clearly out of the restricted speed limit, still speeding along at a sedate forty miles an hour. Nevertheless – we're actually gaining on her. I'm going to do something I thought I would not have to do."

"What's that?"

"Brake to slow down a bit."

"Our boys are going to love having you as a father, Dio. They won't need playmates. They'll have you, the tallest kid in the street."

"Now, now, no insults please; I'm forgoing earning income by taking you on this spy trip."

"It's not spying...it's...it's..."

"Reconnaissance?"

"Yes, reconnaissance to make sure she's all right," said Carra, really on edge and really wanting some leadership from Dio who – damn him – wasn't at all in sync with her.

Dio was tempted to ask what was wrong with her but thought he'd pushed right to the limit.

"Ho – ho; there she goes."

"Where?"

"She's turned into that farm on the left."

"Oh yes. Look, it has a sign. It says 'Sundance Horse Stud – Home of Fleetwing Chariot" and look, it gives the name of mama's lover, 'J & H Fry', please slow down, we don't want to be seen."

"We are out in the open. If anyone looks we shall be seen. You believe you have the name of your mother's lover, which Fry - J or H?

"How would I know, unless I catch them at it?"

"You know, you and your father are jumping to conclusions. You have absolutely no evidence at all; she may very well be delivering semen."

"Yuck, why would she want to be doing that?"

"Because it's a horse stud farm."

"You idiot, they use the real thing. The standing stallion is that horse named on the signboard, Fleetwing Chariot."

"Oh, I thought that was the name of a pop group – they often have concerts out in the country you know."

"Dio, if I thought you were being stupid just to tease me..."

"No, no. I think laterally you know, not multi-directional like you."

Carra was on to that one – an attempted put down. But just as she opened her mouth to yell at him when Dio said, "There she goes!"

Peering through the dirty window of the vehicle, Carra's mouth drooped in despair. She saw Carmen was walking to the front door, swinging a carry bag.

"Inside that will be a half bottle of scotch, tissues, make-up, a soft towel, condoms and a slinky little night dress and crutchless panties from Paris."

Mention of condoms angered Carra but the mention of underwear from Paris fired her belly.

"How do you know about the underwear from Paris? I know. Daddy spilled his guts, didn't he? Christ, they way you men talk about your women..."

"Steady on. He told me in front of Carmen. I'd asked them if they had traveled through Europe and they said yes, and they really loved Paris. I said that's a great place to buy sexy underwear wasn't it, and your father agreed and mentioned what he had bought in Paris, but he didn't actually say the panties were crutchless. Are they?"

"That is not for you to know," she rebuked, cooling down. "Look at them!"

Dio looked. A tall man with graying hair had come out of the door of the stained wood ranch-house. He stooped and kissed Carmen, took her carry bag and then stood aside to allow her to enter first."

"They're lovers!"

"Circumstantial. Actually he didn't kiss her on the lips. He kissed her on the cheek jus like hundreds of other men would."

"My mother doesn't know hundreds of men and only a handful have the privilege of kissing her, and you are one of them."

"Well, what now?" Dio asked. "Give them ten minutes then rush in to see if they are doing crosswords?"

"In ten minutes they will be in bed," said Carra, her bottom lip wavering.

"Look darling. There's a country pub down at that last corner. Let's go and talk this through. I promise to be straightforward and non-provocative."

"Is that possible?" she smiled thinly, patting his arm. Those diversions had restored her bottom lip back to normal.

"What's that?" she asked, as Dio walked to where she was sitting carrying a Fallen Angel for her and a whisky sour for him.

"This is a really trendy place. When I asked the barmaid did they have cocktails she replied 'you name it, I'll produce it'. She told me that do great meals at weekends. We should try it sometime."

"Well, what do we do now?"

"The obvious. Let our drinks fire our bellies and go back to town. We can't do anything more and you know it. If you stay at your post for twenty minutes or four hours, it will make no difference. You still won't know what has she's been doing."

"I know very well what she is doing."

"And you want to deny her that choice?"

"What do you mean?"

"She's an adult woman, perfectly capable of making rational decisions about what she does outside the family home. We have no right to interfere."

"What about daddy?"

"Well, what about daddy?"

"He has rights too."

"Well, if he does in this case I'm not sure what they are."

Dio rubbed the back of his neck vigorously. "Look, you can go around tonight and ask you mother: 'Are you having an affair?' Think about it. What difference will it make if she answers yes or no? If she were to answer yes, would you say, 'I want you to stop. 'Your mother would be entitled to say to you, 'Butt out of my personal life.' Picture it! You then collapse into a heap and cry, her eyes go hooded and she looks at you thinking, what have I done to deserve a weak daughter like this?"

"Mama would never say that and how do you know about that look. She's never shown it to you?"

"Oh boy, don't you remember at our first meeting at your home when we clashed with your parents? She was poised, ready to rip my heart out. I know she was."

"Yes, I'd forgotten about that. This drink's nice. My tummy is all warm inside."

"Another one?"

"No, let's go as soon as we've finished these ones. We can both go back to work. I shall be all right. I don't want to accept what you are saying, but really it's the only alternative to me spitting the dummy."

"Good girl. You may be disappointed in your mother, suspecting that she is having an affair. Be disappointed, but don't reveal it to her. That's my advice."

"Do we tell daddy what we've found out?"

"That is over to you."

Carra fluffed up her hair and rubbed her hands together. "We say nothing."

"Good girl; actually you had no choice."

"How can you be so sure about that?"

"Well, you love your mama as you call her, and you really love your daddy. There is no way you would want to help drive a wedge between them."

"Dammit, you men can be so logical," she frowned. She held up her almost empty glass in salute: "Be happy, mama and be true to yourself."

"Well, you're got that situation well covered if anyone up above is listening."

"That's the nearest thing to a religious-linked comment that I've ever heard you make."

"I can't help what I think."

"That's a dinky little answer which reminds me: we I have to find an alternative to Father Carol. He's mama's choice but you will not be comfortable in his presence as he will not hide his disapproval of me marrying a non-Catholic. I want our wedding to be a great wedding, not marred by things like that. And that reminds me of something else; you are supposed to have come up with a photographer."

"Whoops. I forgot to mention it. I sorted it out days ago, taking a phone call on the run and it slipped to the back of my mind. Margaret Beamish will do it."

"What! She'll cost a fortune."

"Nah, just travel and accommodation and at some other time a free weekend's stay at the lake cottage."

"Yes, of course. Mama will be agreeable to that. But how did you do it, I can hardly believe it? Her photos go to some of the best women's magazines around. Oh dear - I know, you went to school with her brother."

"No, her husband actually."

They burst into laughter, with the barmaid looking at them anxiously, wondering if they had been mixing other substances with their alcohol.

Back in the van, Dio checked his phone messages.

One from Tom Taylor advised that the committee had approved the single sale of a section in the River Flats (The Wasteland), Subdivision lot 79.

"We can build on The Knoll whenever we wish," he said.

Carra squeezed his hand with pleasure but her excitement was dulled by the thought of her unfaithful mother.

Dio said that Tom Taylor had been advised confidentially that the Council works committee had approved the construction of stage one of the western riverbank flood protection works over the coming summer which would remove the threat of flooding the overflow in the area known locally as The Wastelands.

"Well," he sighed. "That timing will suit us as it will take us the best part of a year to find time to think about house plans while we're coping with the development of the school site and the wedding and building up the franchising side of the business. We have a lot on, you know."

"Yes, but we should complete the purchase of The Knoll today," said Carra, "then that's one thing off our minds."

"Right, we don't want a greedy property owner trying to find a loophole in our conditional offer once the news gets out about the flood protection works are to proceed gets out, initiating a land purchase rush. Let's go. We might get this crate up to fifty as the wind will be behind us for most of the way and its downhill."

"Golly, fifty in the rotten fish bucket," Carra laughed looking at the speed indicator. "But at least it served its purpose. Neither of them at the farmhouse gave any indication of seeing us. We must have looked like a genuine roadside breakdown."

Dio's phone rang.

"Hi Ronnie. Yes, Carra and I have been out boozing. We've got a little property deal to stitch up and then she'll be back it and I'll be out earning money."

"Yes, all the land within the subdivision shown as lot three and everything on that land 'as is'"

"No, lease only. We are not selling title."

"Yes, I know he's asking you to check to find out how firm we are on that. Yes, I know 'we' includes your opinion also."

"Yes he can erect a security fence around the entire perimeter of lot three."

"Yes, let him produce what he thinks is an attractive return to us on a five by five lease and then we will negotiate. Alternatively, you know the value of that lot; you can negotiate on our behalf."

"Of course I trust you to do that. Who wouldn't trust their guarantor?"

"Bye."

Carra hadn't been able to hear the conversation properly because of the roaring of the van motor so Dio brought her up to date. "The courier company is displaying mild interest in the primary school block. Everyone from the company was down there with Ronnie at lunchtime and staff and contract couriers want to occupy our site as soon as possible. The managing director was trying to play it cool but he nearly throttled his wife, according to Ronnie, when she came up to him and said what a perfect setup it would be. Ronnie has lease agreements at his office; he reckons he could have a provisional agreement signed by this evening subject to solicitors' approval and the site being an appropriate use."

"Will it pass?"

"Yes, it's not an obnoxious activity. In fact Ronnie says the property is in the same planning zone as the company's existing premises. The frequency of traffic movements is the only snag, but then that only requires traffic engineering solutions. Having access on two streets has reduced the problem considerably."

They drove on, with Carra deep in thought. "You know, we've come a long way suddenly, and have a lot of money floating around over our heads – an awful lot of money. It could be scary, but I'm not scared. I'm amazed at how we both were virtually nobodies until fairly recently and now we could be called young tycoons – well, almost. You are only thirty-two and I but twenty; it's hard to believe this is happening to us. Just think. If you hadn't gone to help Alice with her computer problem and stayed and talk to her so nicely then she would not have responded to you, leading to us gaining a small fortune from her. We owe her a lot."