Chapter 1: Confusion
"George we need to talk," Justine says as she steps in front of me, eyes lowered and almost trembling.
Looking at my wife, I smile at her while thinking, what a lucky man I am to have a wife like Justine; beautiful, intelligent, and my best friend. But she has successfully blocked my path. "Baby can we talk after I return from my ride?"
"No George this is important and I have put it off for far too long."
Leaning my bike up again the hallway wall I turn and looking at Justine say, "Sure Babe," and walk into the living room where I sit on the couch and wait for her to sit down with me.
Instead I watch as she paces back and forth in front of the couch, biting her lower lip. Suddenly she stops, looks at the floor and says, "Oh shit George there is no easy way for me to say this other then to just blurt it out.
"Two weeks ago when I went out of town to that business conference, it was not a business conference. I went out of town with a man and I slept with him, and..., and other men and women too. I did sexual things that I never know existed, and George I did it because..., because I'm getting old.
"I'm over a half a century old and three weeks ago I had only had sex with 2 men in all of that time. George I had to know, what I had missed if anything. We grew up in the era of free love and peace, but all I did was study and work.
"George we missed out on an awful lot to things on our way to the top of the corporate ladder. If I had to do it all over again, I think that I would have done things differently. I think that our relationships with others is more important then work and more work to get to positions of so called 'importance' and money. All of the hours of hard work to just make money, George money is just paper. And the things that money buys are just things. I'm tired of 'things.' George I'm tired, I want a different life. I want to love others and be loved by them."
I just look at her, not believing my ears. I can feel the blood as it leaves my head, it is like a elevator going down. I feel light headed, light bodied, I want to float away.
"George... George are you okay? Baby?"
I start shaking my head from left to right and right to left, over and over again, all the while just looking at Justine. Until my head just stops and becomes just too heavy to hold up. My chin is resting on my chest. "Oh Justine...," the name just seems to fall to the floor and just lay there, dead, not moving.
"Justine, what have you done?"
"Did it ever occur to you to talk with me about this before you..., before you took off with this man? You are not an idiot Justine, yet your actions of two weeks ago were the acts of an idiot! Damn you! Damn you to hell!
"The top executive Justine makes a decision, a snap of her fingers and she pushes forward. You are not the CEO of our marriage! Our marriage is an equal joint venture, equal partnership, the feedback from one helps the other. It is a process of give and take. What the hell were you thinking?"
"George this is not like you, " Justine interject in a very surprised tone of voice.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP JUSTINE," I scream at the top of my voice as I jump up. The sudden movement of standing up forces my blood pressure down that elevator again.
"How dare you question anything I say after what..., after what you did. Who do you think you are? No, don't answer that I don't want to hear what you think you are." I turn and walk away.
"George. George where are you going," a very frightened Justine asks.
"Out. I'm taking my bike out and I'm going to ride." Looking back at Justine I speak softly, "Justine if I don't get away from you right now..." My voice trails off. Grabbing my bike I almost run out the front door.
"Thanks God, like I really needed this shit," I speak out loud, almost expecting God to reply. I straddle my bike, clips into the clipless pedals and starts to ride. "Did I just clip into clipless pedals, how in the fuck do you clip into clipless pedals? The world is just not what you think it is anymore, is it Gerogie boy?
"Shit now I'm talking to myself. Shut the fuck up George and ride!"
I ride like I have never ridden before. I push so hard that my legs start to hurt like my soul, and at last my body and spirit are tuned to the same frequency: PAIN! The questions, oh lord the questions fly, Why? What did I do? What if I had done this or that differently? Did I not love Justine enough or did I love her too much? Is this a mid-life crisis for her, now a mid-life crisis for me? The questions just continue, when I think they are no more, more rear their ugly head and it just goes on and on.
The miles fly past as I ride, and after 30 or so miles my anger and hurt start to ebb, and even the questions stop. Each additional mile I ride is like a layer of pain being removed, one layer at a time. Bur dear God there are so many layers yet to go. Will the pain ever go away?
Up ahead I see another rider. As I get closer I see a woman with a long black pony tail flying out behind her as she rides. She is riding at a good clip, but she does not have a tormented soul feeding her legs and the distance starts to shorten.
As I get closer I start checking her out. Nice riding form. Nice ass. Nice legs. Nice hair. "What the fuck George," I speak out loud to myself, "what do you have to loose?" Thinking about Justine, I think, two can play this game."
As I pull up beside her I speak, "Hello."
She turns her head and says, "Hello."