Mindgames

Chapter 20: Suffocating

Present day

Mariah and Rose pulled the wagon into Master Animal's apartment. Mariah closed the door behind them. She looked around to make sure that they were alone, then slumped onto the armchair and covered her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she said.

"Why?" Rose asked. "You didn't do anything wrong. Anyone can get stopped in the corridor."

Mariah shook her head. "I should have been paying attention."

Rose shrugged. "Me too," she said. "Anyway, neither of us got hurt, not really. That's what matters." She was suddenly concerned. "Or are you hurt?"

"No," Mariah answered. "Just a few slashes." She looked up, and narrowed her eyes. "You weren't really crying back there."

Rose took some of the food out of the cart and put it on the counter. She said, "I tried, but tears wouldn't come. Then Mistress Tabitha showed up . . ."

"I don't understand," Mariah interrupted. "Why would you pretend to cry?"

Rose unloaded more of the food. "It's how I always act when I'm stopped."

Mariah stared at Rose. "They could have made me hurt you," she said. "And you were acting?"

Rose shook her head, then nodded, then shook her head again. She said softly, "I've always been the rag, the one who's afraid. I don't know how to be anything else."

Mariah's felt like she was suffocating. She tried breathing, as Master Gabriel had taught her.

"What's wrong?" Rose asked, sounding genuinely mystified.

The breathing didn't help. Mariah stood up. She was shaking, much worse than when the humans had stopped her and Rose. Shouting now, she repeated, "They could have made me hurt you!" She kicked the wagon away from Rose. It crashed into the dining area wall, marking it and making the crystal in the hutch rattle.

Now Rose's eyes did fill with tears. "They wanted me to hurt you," she said. "That's just as bad as you hurting me."

"You couldn't hurt a fly. Have you ever even held a whip?" Mariah lowered her voice, and asked venomously, "Or do you just lay on the floor and make other slaves beat you while you feel sorry for yourself?"

Rose shook her head. "I didn't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry."

Her apology didn't enter Mariah's consciousness, but her backing away did. Mariah was scaring her.

Mariah tried to calm down. She couldn't do it. She turned on her heels and threw open the door to the patio, nearly running to Gabriel's apartment.

Inside, she clasped her hands behind her back to keep herself from breaking anything. She sat down on an armchair and stood back up. She paced. Rose appeared at the sliding door. "Go away!" Mariah shouted. Rose closed the door but stood looking in through the glass for a minute before she retreated to Animal's apartment.

When Master Gabriel came in from the hallway Mariah was standing with her arms around a pillow she had taken from the sofa. She put it down hastily and backed away from him.

Master Gabriel raised his eyebrows. "You want to tell me about it?"

Mariah shook her head. "Only if it pleases you, Master." Her voice shook. She turned away to avoid looking at him.

"You're hurt," Master Gabriel said.

Mariah had forgotten about the whipmarks. Before she could say anything, there was a knock at the door.

Master Gabriel sighed. "That will be Tabitha," he said. "She told me this morning she wanted to bring someone by, asked specifically that you be here."

Mariah hurriedly wiped her eyes with the back of her hands, and took a deep breath.

"Shall I send them away?" Master Gabriel asked.

"That's not for me to say, Master," Mariah said, unable to think of any other response. The knock repeated, louder this time, and then the door opened. Mistress Tabitha came in, but stopped abruptly when she saw Master Gabriel and Mariah.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I assumed you weren't back yet, and was coming in to wait." She looked at Mariah and tsked. "Were you hurt worse than I thought? You said it was nothing." She spoke sharply.

"No, Mistress," Mariah said. "I'm not hurt, my thanks to you."

"So that's what your voice sounds like."

Mariah took three steps back. She fell to her knees, stood up, and fell to her knees again.

A human man had stepped into the room. He laughed. "I never saw you move so fast before." He was middle-aged, and lean to the point of gauntness. His brown hair was cropped short and flecked with gray.

Master Gabriel placed himself between the man and Mariah. "What is this?" he demanded. "Was it you that hurt Mariah before?"

"Not I," he said. "I haven't seen her in months. And I never hurt her much. I'm not a cruel man. Ask her, if she'll answer you. She never would me."

Mistress Tabitha cleared her throat. "Gabriel, I'd like you to meet my friend Cassender. He's just back from his scientific work near the wall, and he particularly wanted to meet you, and to see Mariah."

Master Gabriel still stood between Mariah and Master Cassender. "Why?" he demanded. "She's not to be used for your amusement."

"Amusement?" Master Cassender said. "No, no, not at all. I merely want to talk to her."

Mariah was disoriented. It was hard to remember who she was. Master Gabriel's slave, accustomed to flaunting the freedoms he allowed her? The conniving housegirl who had tricked Master Cassender into taking her to the wall and then managed to escape? Or the rag she had pretended to him to be?

"Look at me, girl," Master Cassender commanded. Mariah started to count to ten, her old habit with him.

"Don't speak to her that way." Master Gabriel's voice was the low growl he used when he was furious. He backed up so he was right next to where Mariah knelt, and then he edged over a few inches so the side of his leg touched her arm. Mariah felt marginally calmer. She looked up at Master Cassender. He was slighter of frame than she remembered, smaller than Master Gabriel.

Master Cassender's voice was mild. "How would you have me speak to her?" he asked.

"Not at all, unless she is willing," Master Gabriel said.

Master Cassender stared at Master Gabriel, then smiled slightly. "Mariah, would you speak with me?" His voice was courteous, but before Mariah could respond he added, tersely, "You owe me that."

Mariah could feel Master Gabriel's solidity next to her, trying to shield her. Or was this part of his mindgame? Was Rose? "I am yours to command, Master," she said.

"Stand up, then, Mariah, before Gabriel rips us to shreds with his glares," Mistress Tabitha said.

Mariah obeyed. Her heart was pounding. Master Gabriel didn't speak out loud, but she could hear him in her head. "Breathe." She blocked him out. Master Gabriel took her arm and steered her to the table. With one hand he pulled a chair out for her, in front of the herbs they had been crushing that morning. Lavender, licorice root, John's wort -- Master Gabriel had taught her they were each used to help a person relax. He sat next to her and began to roll some of the crumbs between his fingers.

Master Cassender sat opposite Mariah, staring at her.

Mistress Tabitha went to the kitchen and came back a moment later with three glasses of ice water on a tray that she placed on the table. Master Gabriel reached for a glass and put it in front of Mariah. "You serve her?" Master Cassender murmured. No one replied, but under the table Master Gabriel took Mariah's hand.

Master Cassender leaned forward towards her. "I want to know why you ran away," he said.

Mariah remembered. She had run away. She pulled her hand away from Master Gabriel's, sat up straight and put all the defiance she could into her voice. "I wanted to be free, Master," she said.

"The whole time you were with me, that's all you wanted?"

"Yes, Master," Mariah said. That's all she had ever wanted.

"From when I chose you at the Exchange, you were just pretending to be a rag?"

"Yes, Master."

Master Cassender slammed his hand down on the table. Mariah jumped in her chair. Master Gabriel started to protest, but Master Cassender stood up and pointed at Mariah. "You made me into a laughingstock!"

Mariah felt a responding wrath, overwhelming her, as he continued, "I was good to you! I met your needs! I fed you and I fucked you and I . . ."

Mariah was not sure how she found herself on her feet. "You didn't fuck me!"

"You're still a liar!" Master Cassender shouted. "I did, and I always made sure you got your pleasure. Every single time!"

Mariah was shouting as loud as Master Cassender. "You didn't fuck me! You raped me! I didn't want you!" She felt Master Gabriel put his arm around her shoulder. She violently shrugged him off. "I never wanted any of you! I hated your touch! I hated the pleasure! I hated it! I hated it! I hated it!"

Mariah remembers

Master Cassender stopped the horses in front of the gatehouse. Checking to make sure that the shackle was firmly around Mariah's wrist, he ordered her out of the wagon.

There was no answer when he knocked on the door. He rang a bell that hung on the porch.

A few minutes later a red-haired mistress rounded the corner of the house. "Come back, have you?" she said.

"I wasn't gone that long, Nadia," he said.

"Long enough. It's been days since I've had a soul to talk to."

Master Cassender indicated the rag that crawled at Nadia's feet. "You could talk to him."

Nadia rolled her eyes. "I mean it," Master Cassender said. "They all have something inside, if you have the patience to find it. Make a game out of it. It helps to pass the time."

"If you're a pansy, maybe," Mistress Nadia said with a snort. Then she tossed her head prettily. "I've some of that scotch left, if you want it."

Master Cassender nodded. "Leave these two to play?" he said, indicating Nadia's slave and Mariah.

Nadia nodded. "Stay, Hugo," she said firmly. She reached down and cupped his chin. "Be a good host. If you both want to, you can fuck." She attached the end of his chain to a ring on the porch, and Master Cassender did the same with Mariah's chain.

Master Cassender followed Mistress Nadia inside, shutting the door behind them. Mariah noticed that two windows faced the porch. The humans could easily look out and see her. After counting to ten, she eased herself down to sit on the top step. "Been here long?" she asked Hugo quietly.

Slowly Hugo nodded, then shook his head. "Can't say," he said hoarsely. "Long enough."

He kneeled up, then moved tortuously slowly until he was leaning against a railing. He seemed as though he was in pain but Mariah could see nothing wrong with him other than angry welts.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Mariah tried to think of something to say that would not be intrusive. Hugo whimpered, although he did not seem to be aware of it.

"Are you hurt?" Mariah asked him. "Can I do something for you?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth she regretted them. She was supposed to be as much of a rag as Hugo was -- or was he pretending too? She looked worriedly to the windows, but no one was peering out.

Hugo shook his head slowly. "Don't bother about me," he said. He shrank down further into himself. Mariah sighed. She turned to look at arched the gate. It was wrought iron, with no more than three inches between the bars. Vertical blades fanned out atop the arch, which framed sculpted metal gargoyles. The heavy lock that held the two doors together was polished, in contrast to the surrounding metal. There were a few gems scattered on gate, and indents where others should be. The stone eyes of the gargoyles remained and seemed to stare at Mariah.

"It don't talk," Hugo said. "It just looks."

"Like you?" Mariah asked.

Hugo didn't speak again until for the rest of the day.