Becca decided that she wanted to start working with a councillor to deal with her dad being released from prison. She used the counselling service provided by our school. Even though we were almost on the opposite side of the world and there was practically no way he could get to her she felt there were unresolved emotions and feelings that needed to be dealt with. I supported her as best I could. Needless to say our sex life slowed down dramatically while she was working things out. The councillor wanted to see me too. I wasn't sure why, but since Becca had asked me to go I went without question.
The waiting room seemed almost sterile. It had a very clean smell, like a doctors waiting room. Instead of health posters on the bland walls there were posters about mental health issues. There was no one else in the waiting room as I sat down. Some bland elevator music was playing softly over the speakers. The receptionist quietly typed on her keyboard and in the background I could hear someone on the phone.
I had never been to a councillors office before, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I imagined lying on an old fashioned couch and being asked about my obsessions, or being hypnotized.
"Jeremy?" A kind voice asked?
I looked up and saw a woman who looked like she was in her 70s with white hair and a salmon coloured shirt and jeans was at the door leading out of the waiting room and into the offices.
"Yeah." I picked up my stuff and walking toward her.
"Welcome." She held the door open, and lead me down a modern hallway with multiple doorways on it and into an office. Inside there were some comfortable looking chairs and footrests.
"My name is Jan, please take a seat."
I sat down on one of the chairs and she sat across me, kicking her feet up onto one of the footrests.
"Please make yourself comfortable."
Ooookkkkk, I thought and leaned back a bit in the chair.
"Have you ever been in counselling before?"
"Yes."
"Ok good, so you should be pretty familiar with how this is going to work," She said. "The first thing is that everything we discuss is 100% confidential. Rebecca won't know anything that you say here, and likewise I will not reveal anything what she has said. However, I am also a mandatory reporter, and I am required by law to report if you indicate that you may harm yourself or others. Other than that though nothing will leave this room. I will be taking notes, but it is mostly so I can remember what we talk about."
"Ok"
"So tell me, how have things been going with Rebecca recently."
"Well I gave her a trip home to Australia as a gift, and while we were there she found out that her father had been released from prison. She had never told me what he had done, and when she found out that he was free it really hurt her. I tried to distract her until she got home, but for the first day she barely spoke and wouldn't eat. I tried to give her space, got two beds in our room even though we hadn't slept apart since we moved in together. She tried sleeping in the other bed but after having what seemed like nightmares she did end up sleeping in the same bed as me anyway. It took a while for her to start coming around, and she didn't tell me the whole story until we were back home."
"How did you feel when she told you."
"Honestly I felt sick. I literally threw up when she told me. And I felt angry."
"Who were you angry at?" she asked.
"Her father." I shrugged, since this should have been obvious.
"And not at her?" Jan inquired.
"No. No! Of course not. None of this was her fault. She did the best she could in a terrible situation. "
"For not telling you?"
"Well...I wish that she had told me before I took her to Australia. I'm not angry, I don't know if I would have been able to tell her if something like that had happened to me. I wish she had told me because then I might not have taken her into a situation where she might have to re-live what had happened," I said firmly.
"Do you blame yourself for taking her home?"
"I... I felt guilty, even though my brain knows that it's not rational. I had no way of knowing what had happened right? I had no way of knowing that her dad was being released. But at the same time my heart is telling me that I took the person I love most in the world to a place where she was badly hurt in the past, and then she got hurt again while she was there."
"Ok. So what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about it."
Betrayal. I thought. I had taken her to a place where everyone had betrayed her. Her father. Her Mother. Me.
"I guess I am worried that she will think that I betrayed her just like everyone else did there." I slouched down in the chair.
"Do you think she feels that?"
"I don't know. I hope not. But I can't help but be on egg shells a bit, waiting for the hammer to fall a little."
"Does what happened to her make you feel differently about her?"
"Yes. How can you not feel pity and regret that something that terrible happened to someone that you love. But it hasn't changed anything. I'm still in love with her. I'm still attracted to her, and I still want her in my life for as long as she will have me."
The rest of the appointment was spent going over strategies to help me help Becca.
I drove home through the snow and found Becca waiting for me in our living room. She was reading a book, but didn't seem to be turning the pages.
"Hi Becca." I said as I walked through the door.
"Hey" she said distractedly.
"How have you been?" I asked.
"Good. I'm not excited about term starting back up tomorrow."
"I know. Want to go out tonight?" I asked.
"I don't really feel like it Jer." She said.
"I figured as much." I said.
She looked up at me with hurt in her eyes.
"Which is why" I continued, turning to bring in a bag from the grocery store "I went and got the fixings for a nice meal at home tonight. I even made you an invitation."
With a bow I handed her a card saying that she was invited to a formal dinner this evening at our house. Black tie or equivalent, as a joke since I knew full well that neither of us had clothing like that.
