Lucille Nailed It

Everything was going so well under Lucille Lightfoot's direction to turn around the Australian fashion magazine that had become a loss-making publication.

The first issue of the restyled and substantially upgraded

Fashion Up

was underway and the second in the planning stages.

A 16-page mock-up of 'the dynamic new look' had gone out to advertising agencies but as expected the agency executives were saying "Good... great... promising" but the business response from most of them was along the lines of, "We'll talk it over with targeted clients in due course."

When the director of the group's director of advertising announced triumphantly at the magazine's pre-production meeting, they'd attracted two new advertisers, one taking two pages the second a four-page spread, Lucille's heart sank.

That 6-page gain of new contract advertising was offset by the loss of fourteen pages pulled by nervous clients who knew that when a rejig was necessary, something was up.

When the meeting was over Lucille disappeared on a mission. She knew the next issue of the advertising industry's

Ad-World

, a 20-page plus publication distributed monthly to advertising agencies and sold to other interested parties taking out a subscription was due out the following week.

The publisher rather liked Lucille's suggestion and met Lucille on a harbor sightseeing cruise accompanied by a writer and photographer and the outcome of that provided material from Lucille for a scathing contribution based on the suggested heading of 'The Lazy Agents are Dingoes'.

"Thank you for our lead story," smiled Lacey, saying they really must get together for a Friday night drink.

The next Monday Digger came to Lucille with the latest copy of

Ad-World

in his hand, tossing it angrily in front of Lucille.

"Are you trying to ruin us - ad agencies will now be treating us with contempt and their clients who hear about this will want to know what's going on."

"I'm sorry Digger but I'm amid something really hot; I'll talk to you later," Lucille said.

She picked up the phone on the second ring and asked the caller to hold and she turned to Digger and said, "It's a radio station - the news media has gone bananas over my swipe of admen who they regard as 'The Fat Cats of Advertising'."

Digger raced to his office, yelling to Mo to join him. He changed stations until hearing the name Lucille; with sinking heart he sat back to listen to the 'Talkback Radio' broadcast.

'Lucille what does you company chief think about you ripping into these people commonly referred to as the fat cats of advertising?'

'He really didn't say Mary. He scampered to the bathroom, to vomit I suspect.'

Digger groaned and Mo, leaning forward in her chair told him to shut up, that obviously Lucille's article had pulled a trigger.

'This is Ernie Duggan calling Lucille. Have you something against dingoes?'

'No Ernie, not at all; neither and I'm not against advertising agents per se. In that article I simply aimed at the lazy dingoes that won't galvanize themselves to put new opportunities under the nose of clients. I would emphasize, however, a few advertising agencies perform that role with fidelity and that's great. I was simply talking about those developing a fat ass. I didn't realize I'd be upsetting True Blue Aussies by maligning the name Dingo in this way.'

'You'll all right Yank. Think like that and I'll drink with you any day.'

'We'd first need a formal introduction Ernie. I'm a fashion magazine consultant, not a hooker.'

He chuckled.

'That's a good one Lucille.'

'Lucille it's Bob Johansson the talk-back host for this session again. What are the agencies saying to you about this new initiative by your magazine?'

'Nothing - absolutely nothing. The shutters have gone up I guess, though I hoped this wouldn't be the reaction. I wanted to drag them out of their foxholes and into the modern age of communication.'

'Ah and so was now have foxes as well as dingoes - just a minute, my assistant is waving frantically. We may have our first ad agency calling in.'

'Good morning Lucille. It's Bob Song speaking. Welcome to Australia. I'm just back kicking ass, motivating my personnel to hit clients today to look at this magazine you're working on. We Aussies like battlers and admiration can result in counter-punching as conversely evoke sympathetic action.'

'I admit to being interested in you when I read that feature about you in last Saturday's newspaper and remained on my skinny backside after that without giving another thought about that rather dynamic interview until I read your kick-ass interview today.'

'Lucille I head Rider, Young and Jakka Worldwide in Australia and I'm junior vice-president of the Australian Advertising Association. You won't receive a better deal from RYJ Worldwide than your deserve, but your publication will get from us the consideration it deserves. I'm on Channel 7 tonight at 7:00 live to rip you to bits on behalf of my profession. Perhaps we can have a drink afterwards - I'll be formerly introduced to you by then. Have a nice day Miss America.'

'This is Bob Johansson the radio host speaking Lucille. Would you accepted an invitation to appear on TV tonight if they contact you?'

'I know nothing about it Bob but obviously you will have registered I'm not the shy type.'

'Then terminate with us now and stay off the phone till you get the call from the TV station love. We'll all be watching you tonight going head-to-head; we'll be interested to see if you measure up to the status of being a Little Aussie Battler Status.'

'Thanks for the opportunity Bob; you run a great show.'

There was dead silence in the managing director's office until Mo demanded, "Well?"

"Channel 7, peak time. She's our million dollar sweetie; you just can't buy that time."

"Don't be so unfeeling Digger, go to her and congratulate her. If you had shouted at her don't mention it; she'll be riding on a high so don't remind her about you being a louse."

Channel 7 ran half-page advertisements in later editions that day of the two Sydney newspapers to supplement its own station promotions - 'Feisty Fashion Femme Calls Ad-people Dingoes and 7:00 tonight she faces off in a TV Special with Ad Mogul' screamed the promo.

Lucille was permitted to be accompanied by one person. To Digger's dismay she chose Mo over him.

"I need the calmness of a female in support," she apologized at the scowling Digger.

Mo poked her tongue at him, making her brother grin.

* * *

Mo said as she walked into studio make-up with Lucille, "I'll help turn you into a fashion queen. I'm amazed that you have dressed in black. I thought for sure you'd be in bright red."

"I want the intellectual look Mo and will wear the thick-framed glasses I use for reading in poor bedside lighting and I'm having my hair plastered against my skull."

"Oh dear, do you think that's wise?"

"My plan is to look like the underdog though with a suggestion there is something about me that will bite. Viewers will tend to want me to win the debate over the expensive-suited smooth fat cat and viewers will include potential advertisers who just may think they'd also like to support our magazine to help them sell product."

Lucille was expecting to be up against a curly-headed 6ft 6in blond Australian, built like a surfer and with a smile capable of breaking hearts modeled on the image agencies love to use so deceptively.

Instead a bouncy balding man in his late forties darted up to her and said, "Hi Lucille, I'm Bob Song, head of RYJ Worldwide in Australia; just answer my challenges demurely and there won't be blood on the floor - your blood."

"My colleagues say they have no wish to have you discredited because in appearance your image is great for our industry but I'm rather puzzled why you are looking so conservative in appearance this evening?"

"Hi Bob. Are you attempting to unsettle me you naughty boy."

Bob looked startled.

"No of course not. We run a democratic body and our members are encouraged to espouse their views."

"Oh that relieves me. I was advised to expect dirty tricks. I would much rather debate at an intellectual level."

"Debate - I don't think you understand, Lucille. This is your opportunity to apologize to our enraged members in front of the entire nation."

"Save your breath Bob. How's Veronica? Don't look so surprised - Veronica is your wife."

"Um."

"You naughty boy Bob. Fight cleanly and there's no need for me to work-in the fact that you've run off from your wife."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Bob I grew up in an orphanage and survived bullying. I learned to dare to do anything, believe me"

The introductions began and Lucille knew she'd failed to remain calm; her stomach felt tightly coiled.

Judith Monroe, the presenter began:

'Fat cats sitting on their backsides allegedly counting their money ripped off their clients - is that how you see our advertising agency industry Lucille?

'No that's a very cynical view. I believe it is a conclusion made by someone after I called some agents dingoes for sitting on their fat backsides and leaving industry news on new initiatives on their desks instead of relaying their views on new initiatives to clients.

Judith: 'Do you accept that answer, Bob?"

Bob: 'Yes, Judith. It would appear that way. The allegations would have come from dingoes in the press and talkback radio.'

Judith: 'I rather think that's not entirely true. Lucille, you have besmirched Australia's advertising industry by labeling its members dingoes. Is this the opportunity for you to apologize and eat humble pie?'

Lucille: 'Whatever for?'

Bob: 'To establish your credentials as a lady Lucille, Our members demand it.'

Lucille: 'Come on Bob, let's have a bit of reality here. Most of your members wouldn't know me from a kookaburra called Kate and those who do know me are aware I know a dingo from a straight-up Jack or a Jill and so what's the beef?'

Bob (testily): 'Well they want an apology.'

Lucille (sweetly): 'Bob get real - they're not getting it and you know it. For me to apologize globally would be to admit I smart-lipped everyone in your industry and even you know that's simply not true. The dingoes who sit on their backsides - I was warned by Judith before coming on to the show not to use the word ass - they know who they are and know they are inhibiting a magazine like ours from doing its job to service their clients who might find us an attractive vehicle - or perhaps they would if they were told about us.'

Bob: 'Lucille the publication 'Fashion Up' that you have been hired at great cost as a consultant to revive nevertheless will go down the gurgler, I've been shown the figures. If last month's issue made a profit then I'm a - how did you put it - a kookaburra called Kate.'

Lucille: 'The name suits you Bob.'

Bob: 'Thanks.'

Judith: 'Aren't you two are being cute to each other!'

Bob: 'Don't misinterpret my gentlemanly behavior Judith. We are very upset by Miss Lightfoot labeling our members - even a percentage of them, dingoes.'

Judith: 'What do you think of our advertising industry Lucille?'

Lucille: 'I've been in the country such a short time that I really cannot give you an informed opinion. But my impression is the industry is dynamic, very creative and appears well-saturated with leading-edge individuals using leading-edge technology.'

Judith: 'You are an international consultant on fashion magazines. What do you think of Australian fashion?'

Lucille: 'I make no claim of being an international anything, but I have extensive knowledge about women's fashion. I know people here are doing great things and I can say this: Within a couple of years Australian Beachwear and Outback wear will have taken much of the fashion conscious world by storm. Those companies and their promoters who get off their backside will do unbelievably well because the international move socially is drifting toward trendy fashionable leisure time.'

Bob: 'So an apology is not forthcoming?'

Lucille: 'No Bob, why apologize to those people in agencies who are the lazy bastards who don't sweat for their clients?'

Judith: 'And on that defining note we go to an ad break. Lucille Lightfoot and Bob Song thank you for coming on to the program and attempting to clear the air. Some friends of Lucille's have sent me a tape of Lucille recently singing at a birthday party on a cattle station out of Dubbo. If this doesn't do something to bring tears to your eyes then you're in danger of being dubbed a dingo rather than a kookaburra named Kate.'

The program producer delayed going into the ad break until a film clip of Lucille's beautiful rendition of the opening verse of 'Waltzing Matilda' ended.

The searching camera showed Lucille looking shocked that her singing was being played. Judith was shown looking moved by the singing and then the camera pan showed Bob going to Lucille and hugging her, his voice being picked up: "You'll make a great Aussie Lucille."

The newspapers next morning had articles ripping into Lucille for refusing to apologize but applauded her courage to stand unrepentant and they all complimented her singing and ability to sing 'Waltzing Matilda' with real heart.

The headings on those articles ranged from 'Lucille Take on Bob' to 'Watch out OZ, Here Comes Lucy'.

Twenty-four hours after meeting for that TV confrontation, Lucille (who disliked the name Lucy) received an email:

Dear Lucille - if I may call you that. Lovely to have met. You are a real cracker. Please advise your people that a client of ours - Ashleigh Avon who went to school with your Morgan Morrissey has in a daring vote of confidence agreed to our request (negotiated by Phoebe Ryan)to run with 'Fashion Up" for six issues. Order confirmation will be sent through later today. Good luck.

Bob Song

Lucille was delighted with such a rapid response, then read the postscript.

PS. Ashleigh is into Aussie Outback and Beachwear. She'll have her people book to take twelve pages in two bites of six pages (front and back of magazine). Phoebe showed Ashleigh a tape of our appearance on Judith Monroe's Show and she cracked up at your kookaburra named Kate jibe. B.S.

Lucille went screaming into Mo's office and they both rushed into Digger.

"We've also received orders for space in our first issue equivalent to another twelve pages."

Lucille then took the plunge, knowing it would wipe off those smiles.

"I want to leave for New York the night after our crossover issue (Lucille had virtually no involvement in the one that was almost completed when she came onboard) is published."

"AI emphasis that I know this is a critical time and the last thing you want is cost over-runs but this 12-page spread means I possess exactly what's wanted to negotiate for a sister publication partnership - I have five hot prospects in mind but particularly want to impress Mel Fergus of

Eureka! Fashion

magazine."

"As I said, it's a critical time but this is a critical strategy for our comeback initiative. A sister-partnership within one of the world's great fashion centers will boost our prestige no end."

Digger asked Lucille was she convinced about that.

"Yes."

"Okay do it."

Lucille said, "I need one of you two to come with me."

That again wiped the smiles off the faces of Mo and Digger.

"That will mount up the bills Lucille."

"Of course, Mo, but think of the possible upsides."

Digger scratched behind his left ear.

"The best choice is you Mo."

"No you two go - you'd have such a lovely time together even if up to your necks in business."

"Mo I'm pulling rank. You are director of sales and marketing; it has to be you and your two complement each other so well. I'll apply for a grant from the bureau that offers Government grants for establishing new overseas trade opportunities. I can't say I like our chances at winning a grant because they're for primary industries and manufacturing, but it's worth being cheeky sometimes."

"We'll go economy class and save heaps of money," Lucille said with conviction but Mo made Digger glum again saying, "No we travel business class and the guilt about that should ensure we earn our keep."

Lucille was almost through the door when she turned and raced back in. "Mo get Ashleigh Avon to come with us!"

Mo's eyes lit and she gurgled, "That's fucking brilliant - Ashleigh provides the manufacturing element to win the grant and also the Yanks will be bowled over by her."

"Why's that?"

"Because Lucille, she's a darling of the Outback. My old school friend is one of the most striking women in Australia, winner of the Miss Cheesecake title, now with a slimmed down body and a persona to match her face."

"That's exactly what we want," Lucille beamed and Digger shook his head and sighed, "God help America when you three shelia's march down Fifth Avenue."

Lucille rushed back to her office and printed out a reply to Bob Song thanking him for his wonderful support and emphasizing neither he nor Phoebe and his people who roped in Ashleigh Avon were Dingoes. She kissed the paper under the message, leaving the lipstick impression of her lips and then sent it off by urgent courier to Bob at RYJ Worldwide.

Twelve days later the three women plus four suitcases of Beachwear and Outback samples left Sydney for New York twenty-one flying hours away.

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