I'd like to thank Lastman for the continued support with editing and giving me a fresh pair of eyes.
-Lady Smith-
Tuesday - April 27, 2021
Grace United Methodist Church has really bad coffee. I should have a greater take-away than the quality of the caffeine at my Gamblers Anonymous Meetings, but I really don't. Honestly, I don't know why I come here. Before the meeting begins, I pour myself a cup of coffee that tastes like this was the third pot these grounds brewed.
A man got divorced because he gambled his wife's inheritance on college basketball. The wife's grandfather had recently died and left her a little money. Instead, he gambled it on Duke, lost, and when his wife discovered a massive hole in their account, she used the rest of the money on a divorce lawyer.
Another man was a Sergeant in the army who illegally charged his soldiers rent to live in the barracks just to recoup losses. He was stationed at Fort Polk in Louisiana and his fix was the casinos in Lake Charles. Of course, he was eventually found out and dishonorably discharged as a Private. The gambling problem still existed, and he's done prison time as well for several robberies.
One woman, who is much older than me, says she prostituted herself to get out of debt. For some reason she looks right at me when she says, "That's probably hard for you all to imagine that?"
I sip my burnt coffee and tell them I got a new job. A good job. And that's really scary.
"Why is that scary?" the old prostitute asks.
"It's easy to not gamble when you're broke," I say.
"isn't that why we all steal and fuck to gamble more?"
"Not the same," the Sergeant says. "The thrill isn't the gamble, it's the size. The bigger the gamble, the bigger the rush."
"Exactly," I say. I'm glad someone understood that. I'm starting to not believe this woman's story. Grief tourist.
"I already make good money. I just never see it," I say, and everyone slowly nods in unison. "Because I'm my own boss, it's not like I get a paycheck that I cash and blow in a day. Because I see it near immediately, I gamble it nearly as fast as I make it. I played Kino recently. Fucking Kino. That's like the drunks in the next room smelling hand sanitizer just to take the edge off."
Everyone laughs, and I chuckle a little myself. It really isn't that funny.
"What's wrong with Kino?" the old woman asks. Ok, boomer.
"Have you gambled since the last meeting?" the leader asks. A guy named Howie with a soy beard and man-bun. Piercings and tattoos. Pants so tight I can see the faint outline of what's maybe a dick and one ball. You picture him.
"I've placed the bet," I admit.
I've gambled everything on the success of a robbery. My debt is cleared in one fell swoop, and I get a decent payday out of it. I'll probably need to permanently vanish though. The police already have me in the crosshairs. Maybe I just stay in Canada. There is no way I'm not a suspect, or a conspirator.
"How much?" he asks.
"Everything," I admit.
"Too late to pull out?"
Is it too late? With this new job, I could easily make highly inflated payments, chip away at my debt, and be done with it. But how soon until I'm right back here again? How soon until I'm making bigger bets, because I can? Even if I could stop it, the only way to hit the breaks is another gamble. Do the police just lie, and arrest me anyway?
"Lisa?" That's my anonymous name.
"I don't know."
The meeting wraps up, and everyone gaggles at the coffee pot and stale donuts. As I walk past on my way to the door, I hear my classmates discussing a good card table. Five hundred dollar buy in. No buy back. It's in the basement of a church across town. The dealer is the pastor. Rumor is he funds the games with the offering plate. The game starts in a half hour. Praise the Lord.
I exit our room, and the AA meeting across the hall is ending as well. Is it fate or bad luck that Bianca Justin walks out the same moment I do? We both freeze, until she realizes she's blocking the exit. She takes a step out of the way, and I remain a statue carved by curiosity.
"Gambling?" she asks, leaning her body around mine to the see the sign next to the door.
"Alcohol?" I ask. She looks behind her, and back to me.
"Sponsor," she replies. Of course she is. "Used to, though. Been sober five years."
"Congrats," I say. I step out of the way and watch my classmates leave for a card game with a pastor. I want to go to that so bad. I don't even want to win; the experience sounds well worth it.
It's so awkward when we start a conversation without hostility. We both want to go back to being bitches to each other, but neither of us wants to cast the first stone right now. I finally caught her outside of her holier than thou bullshit, and she found a different motive for me, so it's a mutual redemptive quality for us.
"You've actually done a lot of good work," she says. Her tone suggests she means it, but saying it is like puking.
"Thanks," I say. Another long pause. "I'm gonna go."
"Yeah, right behind you."
We both start trying to move at the same time, and flinch back in unison. We both gesture for the other to go, both move to leave and stop again.
"Go," I say, and she gives a cringy grin and meekly walks ahead of me. I mumble to myself. "Jesus."
I look both ways before crossing the street and light a cigarette at my car. What was the name of that church again? I sit on my hood with my feet on the bumper and start looking for it on my phone as a car pulls out two spots down from mine. It stops in front of me, and I look up at the person idling.
"What?"
Bianca is debating her next words carefully. Her face contorts in frustration, at what I can only imagine, but something finally gives. "You hungry?"
I can't remember the name of the church, for better or worse. I don't think I even heard them say it. Didn't mean I wasn't willing to knock on the door of every chapel.
"You buying?"
--
Of course I pick the Queen of Hearts. Where else would I go this late knowing it will be open? The stool for the Queen is taken, so I end up sitting much closer to the door than I normally do. Because the only seating in this restaurant is at the bar, that means right next to the door. I end up sitting on the two of hearts. Bianca sits on the three.
Dinah is behind the counter next, waiting anxiously for the moment Bianca decides on her order.
"Dippers, toast, coffee," I say without looking at a menu. Dinah places a coffee mug in front of me and pours from the pot removed from the burner behind her.
"Same," Bianca says and hands the menu back. "You come here often?"
"Part of my religion," I say, and watch Dinah pour for Bianca.
"I think we got off on the wrong foot," Bianca says.