It didn't take long to untangle ourselves from each other and I was surprised to find the food still warm when we all sat down to eat a few short minutes later. Somehow it felt like hours since the delivery man had handed over our food. I realized once the tension dissipated that I was starving. I dished up huge helping of lo mein, fried rice, chicken egg foo young and pepper steak topped off with a vegetable spring-roll like the cherry on a very savory sundae. Everyone else was also dishing up like they'd been starved and I was thankful for Ash making me order this mountain of food.
"So you're not secretly into golden showers or scat play or hardcore BDSM are you?" I started choking on my food, "Oh god you're a furry. Well alright but I wanna be something cute and my favorite color's green," Soma said all this without ever stopping what appeared to be a continuous flow of sweet and sour shrimp into his mouth. Surya smacked him on the back of the head in a feat of perfect timing so as not to cause his twin to choke to death.
"Don't worry we all know the Heimlich if something gets stuck besides his foot," Surya assured me.
"Ummm ok, and no to all of that. I mean no judgment, but for those things you'll need to go elsewhere," it comes out before I think through what I just said. I stare down at my plate not wanting to look to closely at either their faces or my own feelings about them seeking other sexual partners. The silence and stillness of the others drew my eyes upward. Everyone was still eating but very carefully now as if no one wanted to bring any attention to themselves. They seemed to be falling back on org training that both angered and saddened me.
"So that's what you want us to do?" Nichelle asked tentatively. Even Ash was very obviously waiting for my answer. I realized that I needed to put on my big girl panties and actually have this conversation in its entirety. I really didn't just want to put it all out there but in this I had to be the one to lay down the rules. God, and I needed to be really honest because I had a feeling they couldn't lie to me even if they might feel inclined to.
"I don't actually want that. I feel attracted to all of you but I also don't want to feel like I bought mindless sex slaves. Or any kind of sex slaves at all actually," I took a calming breath and closed my eyes, "I don't want anything that you feel you have no choice but to do as my property. I want any relationship we have, be it friendship or more, to happen because there is both chemistry and an emotional connection not because you belong to me. I am sexually attracted to you all but I want it to be entirely mutual. I'm probably going to need anything physical to go slowly because of what happened to me.
"We need time to learn to trust each other. So if this arrangement doesn't appeal I'll understand. If any of you wanted to pursue relationships outside the home it's fine with me, I only ask that you not bring people back here for security reasons. Otherwise, if you would like to wait for me, given time I would like us all to have a closed polyamorous relationship with each other. But really, if you don't want that please be honest. I think my only actual rule as your...owner... is that you be honest with me even if you think I won't want to hear it," I felt lightheaded there was so much blood in my cheeks. No one said anything. I opened my eyes to see everyone staring at me with happiness shining on almost every face.
"So to clarify, you want a mutually agreed upon sexual relationship with each of us and you don't care if we sleep around if we keep it in the house as long as we stay monogamous within the group and are honest about our desires and feelings so everyones needs get met both sexual and emotional. But if we don't want that we're free to seek out sexual partners elsewhere as long as they stay elsewhere?" Asher asked with a serious tone and a glint in his eye I couldn't identify. I felt slightly sick that he was the one asking but I nodded my head. "And what if I fall in love with this someone and want to move out what then?" even the twins and Nichelle turned to him in shock at this idea.
"I'm not sure what the organizations stance is on you not living at least within my sphere but I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be here," I said defiantly but he just stared me down, demanding total honesty. I didn't know what he wanted me to say. Didn't he want the freedom to choose? Didn't he want to have the chance to choose instead of being owned.
"Fine then I'll start playing the field tomorrow," he said with a casual tone and resumed eating. I flung my self back from the table. I'd secretly almost hopped that the twins or Nia might take me up on my offer allowing me to put my head in the sand about my desires. But not Ash.
"But you said..." I couldn't say it, not if he hadn't meant it. I felt betrayed, again.
"
What
did I say?" he sounded angry and hurt now too. His hurt deflated some of my anger.
"You said you belong to me," my voice came out small and plaintive, I couldn't hold his stare. I sounded dejected. I felt hollow, so many intense emotions crammed into so little time especially after being numb for so long.
"And do I?" his tone was steely and hard. My eyes shot to his.
"Do you what?" I asked desperately, he stood up from his seat and walked around to stand directly in front of me.
"Belong to you." the epiphany about why he was upset staggered me. I hadn't been nearly careful enough with my words.
"I didn't mean it," I grabbed his face with both my hands, "I wouldn't be fine if you decided you couldn't wait for me but I would deal with it because to have part of you that wants to be here is better than all of you that doesn't. I'd rather you choose to be my friend than feel forced to be my lover. I asked for honesty, but I lied. I'm covetous and lustful just like all the other clients you saw. I want each of you like I've never wanted anything and the fact that I can demand exclusivity is heady and tempting, so I can't let myself. I want to keep you all for myself but I also want you to be genuinely happy," he was smiling at me now his arms slowly snaking around my hips.
"Then I am happiest with a lover who is honest with herself, and doesn't give away her happiness because she's insecure," he hugged me tight and I rested my head on his chest in relief, he was right it was insecurity talking. What if I wasn't enough? What if they didn't truly want me but only wanted to endear themselves to me to feel safe? Ashe tipped my chin up so he could look into my eyes, "And you are nothing like the others. They wanted to own without being owned, they wanted the power only in their hands and the love only from us never them. You can have anything you ask for. You just need to make sure you're actually asking for what you want and not what you think we want," he sits down and pulls me into his lap picking up my chopsticks and feeding me the rest of the food on my plate.
"I wasn't offended by the offer, though I won't take you up on it, I feel like the chance for something special with you is worth the wait," Nichelle said smiling quietly, taking a long draw of water to cover for the slight blush on her cheeks. The twins shared a long look as if they were conferring without words, they both nodded as if they had come to a decision.
"We agree, though we would like to be clear that we are waiting for a chance to be with you not everyone," "With few exceptions would prefer our sexual relationship to include only us three when it's our time with you," Surya and Soma stated somewhat nervously finishing each other sentences.
"No offense to either of you," Soma added almost apologetically. I started to respond but Ash cut me off.
"Look let's not hammer out logistics now, there's no reason to set details in stone now for later. If everyone's done eating do you feel up to giving us a tour. The twins can finish their bug hunt and we can all choose rooms and or work spaces." I raised my eyebrow at him he only looked innocently back. His quick change of subject fooled no body. I grabbed another spring roll then stood up off of his lap leading them out of the kitchen through a short but narrow hall and then into the entryway.
"That's the front door, to the right we have a tv room, a half bath and an office, to the left we have the stairs to the second level then the formal living and dining rooms," we walked up the short wide flight of stairs and turned to just look at the sprawling view of most of the second level. Two short staircases framed the entrance of the house and an antique chandelier dripping crystal that my mother said had been in her family for three generations. I continued the tour showing them the two large suites right at the top of the stairs each with a walk-in closet, bathroom, sitting area and separate office room. The open space between the rooms had small sitting areas set at intervals and a large credenza with my grandmothers china dishes and other family antiques.
One short step up took us to another semi formal living space complete with a wet bar, and delicate looking furniture spaced to allow both standing and sitting conversation.