When Julie arrived at the house, a lot of weird vibes came over her. This was her house, but she totally felt like a visitor. She didn't pull around to the back and park in the garage. She parked in the driveway at the front of the house and walked up to the front door, something she and Gary never did.
She hesitated at the door. Should she just open the door and walk in? She didn't feel like it was her place to do that. Such a strange notion, considering she had lived here with Gary for five years. It would feel equally wrong to ring the doorbell too though.
As she stood on the top step considering, the door opened. Gary greeted her with a very unenthusiastic 'hi' and held the door to let her in.
One look at him brought tons of guilt down on Julie instantly. He looked terrible. His eyes were red and there were bags under them. He hadn't shaved in the last couple days at least. And he was dressed in old, wrinkled clothes that clearly said he was paying absolutely no attention to what he looked like.
He said nothing as he led her to the kitchen table.
"Want anything to drink?" he offered in a monotone. Julie shook her head and sat down. He sat opposite her and for a long, almost painful minute or two, he looked at her, saying nothing.
"I... uh... I've been doing a lot of thinking," he began, then sat in silence for another long moment. Julie was almost about to say something, just to relieve the tension of the silence, when he continued. "Naturally, I'm a bit... hurt. Confused. And pretty fucking pissed off." He shot her a serious look. Then his eyes shifted down to the table and he lapsed into silence again.
"But I'm trying to see the bigger picture," he continued at last. "What happened... the other night..." he looked at her, then away, his eyes focusing off in the distance. "I guess there was something... I mean, obviously I wasn't, um, meeting all your needs." He shrugged, still looking away.
What the hell was he saying, Julie wondered?
"If we're going to make this work," he continued, turning his eyes on Julies, "you have to tell me. Talk to me. Let me know that there are things you want that you aren't getting."
Make this work? Oh, God! Julie realized. Gary was talking about staying together. Working things out. Jesus! How could he even be thinking about that? So soon after he had discovered?
Julie felt a crushing guilt descend on her. She had already written off her marriage and assumed that Gary had done the same. In fact, hadn't she used Gary's almost certain rejection of her as her excuse to return to Greg's bed?
Gary looked at Julie, expecting some reaction or response, some sign that she agreed. Julie didn't know what to say. She nodded mutely. Gary seemed to accept that as her concurrence.
"So..." he continued, "I was thinking about, you know, something to help us. Some sort of... counseling or..." He shrugged, not looking at her. Julie blinked. She still couldn't believe her ears.
It was bad enough Gary had caught her in the act... but oh what an act it had been! He had witnessed her doing things with another man that she had never done with him. And even after that, he wanted to go to couples' counseling?
The pit of Julie's stomach churned with self-loathing. God, if Gary could forgive her... If he loved her enough to try to stay together... If he considered himself partly to blame for neglecting her needs...
And Julie? How had she responded? By assuming that Gary would divorce her. Why had she been so dismissive of this man when he clearly was not so fast to give up on her?
Because it suited her desires to assume he would never take her back. Julie wanted to return to Greg's bed. She wanted to be with Greg. So she had decided that Gary could never forgive her.
Really, was she completely surprised at Gary's response?
No, she couldn't honestly say that she was. Gary had always been understanding. Perhaps too understanding. And not demanding enough.
How the hell could he sit there and talk to her about couples' counseling? He should be screaming at her. Telling her what a fucking lying, cheating, piece-of-shit slut she was. How he was going to take her to the cleaners in the divorce. How he was going to tell all their friends and family what a dirty cocksucking whore she was.
He should tell her to get on her knees and beg to be forgiven. Then tell her to suck his cock like she had sucked Greg's. Not that she would. But at least she would have some respect for him if he tried. But it simply wasn't in Gary.
Julie was beginning to see Gary through Ashlee's eyes. Beginning to understand why Ashlee didn't think much of him. He was, well... wimpy.
He might be a wonderful, caring man. He might try to understand and love her no matter what she did, even when she hurt him so terribly. But he could never bring out the woman in Julie the way Greg did.
"I, uh... found a few places on the internet," Gary continued, apparently taking Julie's silence as agreement. He produced a piece of paper and placed it in front of her.
Julie looked down at it, hardly able to focus on it or anything around her. This still seemed so surreal. And the weight of her own feelings, her own guilt, threatened to crush her where she sat.
She forced her eyes to digest the words on the page. They were marriage counselor listings. Julie felt her body start to shake slightly. Just a tremble here and there, really, but each felt as noticeable as an earthquake.
Julie wanted to cry, wanted to run away. She wanted to never have to face the horrible things she had done and the consequences of those actions. And if she had to face them, she wanted them to be presented in as adversarial way as possible. She wanted him to scream at her, degrade her, threaten her.
That's what she expected. It was what she honestly felt she deserved. She could deal with it. It would make her cry, but at the same time it would release her to go to Greg.
This... this didn't accomplish any of that.
How could Julie sit in front of a marriage counselor with Gary and try to "work things out" when she would be thinking about Greg the whole time? Less than two hours ago, Julie had been kneeling with Greg's cock in her mouth, eager to suck him to orgasm.
What did she think she was going to do when she left here? Retreat to Ashlee's in a fit of shame and remorse? No, she was going to head straight back to Greg's. Hadn't she already packed a bag? Didn't she already have the skirt Greg had wanted to see her in out in her car?
So why was she sitting here with Gary maintaining this charade?
She looked into Gary's eyes. There was soul in them. And deep wells of compassion and love. She averted her eyes.
How could she do this to him? He deserved so much better than this!
"I, uh... I'll take a look at these," Julie said, indicating the list, knowing she was lying even as she said it. Why was she going through this? Why was she maintaining this faΓ§ade?
They sat across the table from each other, barely able to look into each others' eyes, making sporadic conversation about things like 'getting past' this and 'moving on with their lives.' Julie didn't really know what any of it really meant. She nodded agreeably and even added words of concurrence. But she didn't know why. Was she really going to choose to stay with Gary?
Greg, after all, was likely a flash in the pan. When the excitement waned, would he stick around for the mundane, day-to-day life that was the reality of a long term relationship? Or would he latch on to a new skirt and see where that took him?
Gary, on the other hand... it seemed there was nothing Julie could do to lose his love. Wasn't that worth something? Shouldn't Julie seriously consider counseling or whatever it took to heal this wound?
As much as her head and heart agreed that that was the "right" thing to do, there was no doubt in either that Julie would not make that choice. As completely self-destructive as a relationship with Greg might be, that was where Julie was headed. She just couldn't stop herself now if she wanted to. It didn't really matter what Gary said or did now. She was too far gone.
After almost an hour of difficult, stop-and-start discussion, Julie left. By the time she got to her car, she felt physically sick. Her hands were shaking so much that she had trouble putting the key in the ignition. Was she throwing her whole life away?
She had the perfect life before Greg. A loving husband, a promising career, a beautiful house... Was she going to let that all go? To be with Greg? It wasn't like Greg was going to give anything up to be with her. And when he was done being with her, he could move on without it costing him anything.
After it had cost her everything.
Was that really the situation Julie wanted to be in?
Of course not. At yet... she was powerless, it seemed, to turn away from Greg. His influence over her was disconcerting. She had never been like that with any man before. It was plain scary that, confronted with all these obvious facts, Julie was still going to drive right over there to be with him tonight. After this horrible confrontation and the shame and guilt that it had evoked in her.
On the way, she pulled out her cell and called Ashlee.