Harold Plays The Hero

Copyright Oggbashan June 2001/July 2002 Minor revisions July 2015. More revisions October 2018.

The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

This is a work of fiction. The events described here are imaginary; the settings and characters are fictitious and are not intended to represent specific places or living persons.

None of this story has any relevance to a historical India. It is a fiction based in a mythical country which is one character's imagination of what India might seem to be after consuming too much alcohol. The persons, acts and customs are those of a mythical place which has no basis in reality.

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I was riding my horse through the crowded historic quarter. Even for this part of India it was an unusually hot afternoon and I wanted to get back to my bungalow in the cantonments. It had been a hard day at the office. The dust muffled the sound of my horse's hooves. The hubbub of the crowd seemed louder than normal but I wasn't really noticing my surroundings. I was startled to hear Lisa shouting for me.

"Harold! Harold!"

I looked round. I couldn't see her. Her shouts continued. Finally I looked up. Lisa was leaning out of a window on the top floor of the Rajah's palace.

"Harold! Get us some weapons, quickly! We are being attacked!"

"What do you mean, attacked?" I shouted.

Had Lisa gone mad? Who would attack Englishwomen in the Rajah's palace of all places? This was the middle of the 19th Century and John Company people were safe anywhere. We effectively ruled all of India. The Rajah was a trusted ally.

"Don't just stay there!" Lisa shouted "The men are trying to break into the zenana. We've barricaded the doors but we can't hold them off for long. We need weapons to fight them off until some troops can arrive. Get some NOW!"

"Yes, Lisa!" I shouted back.

I turned my horse and galloped it back to the Company's office. If what she said was true, she was in real trouble. The zenana was forbidden to men. Attacking a zenana was as bad as sacrilege. Anyone doing that must be either mad, or drugged, or fanatics of some kind. If they broke in the women had no chance.

As I leapt from my horse, George's horse was outside ready for him. I rushed in and met him at the top of the stairs. I grabbed him unceremoniously by the arm and pulled him in through the main entrance doors. I told him what was happening and asked him to send a heliograph to the cantonments, and join me at the Rajah's palace. He sprinted up the stairs to the roof. I made for the basement armoury, unlocked it, and gathered pistols, powder, ball and a dozen swords. I added four naval cutlasses, bundled everything in a canvas sheet and staggered upstairs.

I left half the weapons for George to bring and loaded the rest on to my horse. I left at a gallop, shouting for people to get out of my way. As I rode the short distance I wondered how I could get the weapons to Lisa. I should have known better! As I reached the palace's wall a rope of cloth was lowered from the window by Jane. I tied a bundle of swords to it. They were quickly hauled up and the process was repeated. As the last of my load was drawn up, George arrived. While we unloaded his horse we spoke.

"I got the message through," he gasped "but they've got problems of their own. They are under siege by an armed mob. The Colonel had ordered the gates shut and the walls manned this afternoon as an exercise. He must have known something would happen. They can't promise to get here for a couple of hours."

"Hours! The women may have only minutes!" I retorted. "We've got to get in there now!"

"How?" he asked, reasonably "We can't go in through the main palace and the zenana has no other exit. That window...," He pointed at the one that Lisa and Jane had used, "... is the only one with a view of the outside. Access to it is a privilege granted to but a few inmates."

"Then we'll have to use it!" I said "Perhaps the women can pull us up?"

"You maybe," George said "but I'm a heavy load" He looked around. "If I could climb that tree perhaps I could jump down on to the roof."

Jane appeared again and lowered the cloth rope. While we tied another load of weapons on I shouted to her.

"Jane! Do you think I could be hauled up to the window?"

"If Lisa can be spared to help me, maybe." she replied.

When all the weapons were up, Lisa's head appeared beside Jane.

"We're going to try, Harold. Hang on to the rope!"

She called it rope but it was no more than long scarves tied together. If it broke, so would I be on the hard dusty street below.

I slung my sword across my back, checked that my pistol was tied into its holster and grabbed the rope. It began to lift me slowly. I walked up the wall as best I could. Suddenly the rope slipped as a knot tightened. I thought my last hour had come. It seemed hours before their hands reached out and pulled me in.

"Come on, Harold!" ordered Lisa. "Jane will stay to watch this window. Her ankle was damaged when they tried to break the door down. She'll tell us if help is coming. I'll take you to the entrance without meeting any of the zenana women. You'd shock them. If we can survive this without revealing your presence we won't have offended the Rajah's sensitivities."

I waited until we were out of Jane's earshot.

"I'm sorry, Lisa. Help won't be here for some time. The cantonments are under attack as well."

She spat out an unladylike word.

"We'll have to cope alone. We managed to bar the doors thanks to Jane. She saw them coming and slammed the doors yelling for help in Latin. The Rajah's women didn't understand her so we were able to act before they realised. We suspect that the Ranee's invitation to so many of the important Englishwomen to see a dancing display and Indian textiles was timed so that we could be captured."

"Have any of the women attacked you?" I asked

"I like to see them try!" she snorted "Our older ladies felt it was too hot to come out. Those of us who came are the younger, fitter ones who like riding, hunting and sports. We're more than a match for these exotic harem flowers even when we're outnumbered two to one. The only advantage they had is that they weren't hampered with corsets and crinolines. You'll have to avert your eyes from some of us. We've shed a few layers and are in our chemises. As you are married to me you've seen more than that."

We reached the antechamber to the zenana. A miscellaneous pile of furniture was pushed across the narrow doorway. From beyond sounds of banging and crashing showed the attackers were still persisting. I looked at the barricade and at the white-faced women ready to defend it. The women looked determined but worried.

"Haven't they tried to blow the door in?" I asked Lisa in a whisper.

She replied equally quietly. "We've told them that we've tied the Ranee and some of the others to the barricade."

"But you haven't!" I retorted

"Well, no. That wouldn't be cricket." she replied "It is only necessary for the attackers to think we have. We've locked the women in a large room and two of us are guarding the door. We think we've imprisoned all of them but in this maze we can't be sure."

I looked closely at the barricade.

"This looks sound enough to hold them for a while." I said. "What about other entrances?"

"This is the zenana!" Lisa responded "There is supposed to be only one carefully guarded and controlled entrance to keep men out and to keep the women in."

"Maybe. But what about The Consort's Stairs or the viewing gallery?" I asked.

"What Consort's Stairs? What viewing gallery?" She asked, puzzled.

"Oh ****!" I exclaimed "I forgot you don't hear the stories in the Mess. The Consort's Stairs are the private access to the Rajah's suite so that the selected woman can get to him WITHOUT having to go through the main entrance. We've found that feature in every palace we've had to capture. The viewing gallery is right behind the throne so that the Ranee can whisper advice to him when he's holding court. There's usually an access there as well! We MUST find them or we can be outflanked."

"In that case the entrance must be in or near the Ranee's suite. It's this way." said Lisa pulling my arm.

"Hold it!" I said. "If I'm right we may be too late. We need more than the two of us to hold them off. If George has got in he could help."

"All right! We'll check with Jane."

We rushed through the maze of passages to the window. George had just squeezed himself through it from the roof. We explained what I suspected.

"I've got my revolver," said George "So have you. They should stop a rush. Has Lisa got a pistol?"

Lisa produced a short double-barrelled Derringer from her skirt pocket. It looked like a toy but the bores were massive.

"I've got this, but I need to be very close to whoever I shoot."

"You'd better watch out, Harold." George said "You're closest to her."

Jane laughed. "I've got one of those too. They're meant for us to use in the last resort; to kill ourselves. That's why they have no range. But I'd rather take one or two of them with me and let the rest kill me."

"We have given the pistols you brought to the other women because they had no weapons at all," Lisa said.

"I think this attack is to get hostages," I said "Otherwise they'd have used guns before now. Are you content to stay here, Jane?"

"I'll be all right. My ankle doesn't hurt so much now. We need someone here in case help arrives. I've hung a Union Jack out of the window so they'll know we're here."

"Where did you get that from?" I asked

"Didn't you know that all English ladies carry a Union Jack in their drawers for use in emergencies," Jane asked archly.

"Ignore her!" said Lisa "It was hanging on a wall near here. We must check for other entrances before they are used."

Lisa, George and I set off for the Ranee's suite, advancing slowly. Lisa led the way and looked around each corner before beckoning us on. We reached the door to the Ranee's suite without incident.

Lisa eased the door open quietly. She put her head around it. Then we went in. This room was empty but each wall was draped in tapestry. We looked behind each tapestry, finding that they covered no entrances, but had concealed incredibly erotic carvings and paintings. Some of the positions looked impossible.

"Don't get ideas." Lisa snapped at me and George. She knew us too well.

We moved carefully into the next room. This one was strewn with thick cushions and masses of silken materials. There must have been dozens of brilliantly coloured saris, shawls, scarves and other feminine garments. At one end of the room was a gaddi - a Rajah's cushioned throne. It was unusual in that it seemed to have many long silken scarves attached to it and there was a U shaped cushion for a head-rest on top. The decorations in this room were not hidden and were very explicit.

"I've never been in here," breathed Lisa, looking at the walls "I'd like a record of those pictures. They could be most educational."

Under his tan I could see George blush. I didn't. I was used to Lisa.

"This must be the Ranee's room for receiving the Rajah." I said. "If there is another entrance it must be in here. George, can you check the left wall; Lisa you check the right one. I'll look at the end wall beyond the gaddi."

We examined the walls closely. The statues were almost free-standing and linked in incredible ways male to female. I couldn't find any joins in the end wall. Lisa and George couldn't in the walls they were looking at. Suddenly Lisa giggled.

"Look at this one. Its thing is sticking out at just the right height for a small Indian lady to mount." she peered at it closely. It certainly was realistic and erect.

"It's worn!" she exclaimed "It's polished with hard use."

She grabbed it and pulled. Even I blushed at that. Then she pushed it. There was a grating sound. The statue and its partner slid apart revealing an opening.

"That's an interesting idea," said Lisa in a normal voice "but rather TOO obvious. Any passing woman would be likely to grab an unattended prick."

George and I were horrified. That was NOT the way for well-bred Englishwomen to talk. Lisa laughed at our embarrassment.

"You men! You just don't know how women talk when we're alone. Our language is no worse than yours is when The Ladies have retired."

We didn't dare ask how she knew what male conversation was like. We were embarrassed enough.

"Come on!" she ordered. "We've got to find where this goes. Either we can block it or maybe use it to get out of here."

She plunged into the dark opening, her sword held out like a spear in front of her. We followed.

After a few metres we could see a faint light ahead. Then we emerged behind a strong metal lattice screen. It was fantastically ornate but all too obviously a fixture. This was the viewing gallery behind the Rajah's seat. But there was no way through from this end of the passage. As we returned to the Ranee's room we felt the walls on both sides. They were unbroken.

"There must be another secret passage," I said as we emerged into the Ranee's room. "We'll have to check every statue."

We grabbed, pulled, and twisted at all the protruding parts of the statues. I felt myself aroused despite caressing only stone. That stone was so realistic. It fell to George to make the discovery. He had remembered that both Yoni and Lingam were important to Indian culture. Where I'd been grabbing protruding parts he'd been fingering every orifice! He finally fingered a most appealing wench standing with her hips thrust forward. He was rewarded when her legs slid aside. We'd have to enter between them and under her yoni.

This time I went first. We had to crawl the first few metres until the passageway became wider and higher. It was lit from small gratings up high and was very clean. It must have been swept daily. It ended in an apparently solid wall with an eyehole.

Looking through I could see the back of our attackers. The eyehole was on gallery level of the main hall. The attackers were prying at a door on the opposite gallery with crowbars. The door had been ornately carved wood but most of that had been torn away revealing riveted iron. That was what was protecting the women! If Jane had not been able to slam that door in time...

I moved aside to let the others see. Then we fell back. We didn't want to be overheard.

"There must be some way through but the attackers don't seem to know it, and neither do we." I said. "How many attackers did you see?"

"About twenty." said Lisa

"I thought less, maybe fifteen," said George "But how many more are there elsewhere? There isn't room on that gallery for many more than those we saw. There might be hundreds downstairs or in the rest of the building. Did you recognise any of them, Harold?"

"Yes. I did. There's the Rajah's eldest son and some of the younger nobility. The Rajah must be in this up to his neck."

"I agree," said George "This isn't an isolated bunch of fanatics. It's a conspiracy to get rid of John Company. Those people are important in their community. If they succeed they might blame it on dacoits or thugs but they couldn't let the women live to tell the truth. They'd be massacred to keep the secret that the Rajah sanctioned the attack."

"Oh ****!" exclaimed Lisa "If that's the case we've got to break out. They've been trying for nearly an hour. When they lose patience they're will use gunpowder and blast their way in. But if the Rajah's involved why haven't they used the other entrance? It must be here somewhere."

"If it is, and I think it must be, all I can suggest is that the Rajah wants the secret kept." I said "It must be very useful to him and he might not want all his young men to know about it. How could he protect his zenana afterwards? Shall we go back and look very, very quietly?"

They nodded. Then we crept back to the eyehole. While Lisa kept watch through it, George and I searched. We found nothing. The head of the passage was about four metres across but plain. There were no crevices, no projections, nothing. Lisa hissed at us.

"The Rajah's coming this way," she whispered. As she watched she signalled his progress with a hand. He approached and passed out of her view.

We heard a faint sound behind us, down the passage. George and I grabbed our swords and started towards the sound. Lisa followed. There was nothing to see until a section of wall moved silently aside behind us and just in front of Lisa. The Rajah stepped out. He must have been blinded, coming in out of the light. He didn't seem to see us although we were only a metre away. We and our swords were facing the wrong way but we needn't have worried. Lisa was on him in a flash and as one arm grabbed him around the neck her other hand silenced him. He struggled for a second before we reached him. Then he collapsed. He had fainted from the shock.

Lisa hog-tied him with his sash and gagged him with his turban. George and I stood there goggling. She had bound him in seconds.

George whispered to me "If I were you, old boy, I wouldn't argue with your wife. That looks as if she's practised."

I nodded. I didn't want George to know that she practised on me.

"He's safe for a few minutes," said Lisa "Let's explore his entrance."

It was dark inside the side passage. I struck a lucifer on the wall to show the way. The sliding door had been released by a long lever on the inside. We forgot to look for the release from the main passage. That was a mistake that I would live to regret.

We reached the entrance while my lucifer was still burning. It too had an obvious lever. I operated it quietly, opened the panel a crack and peered out. The entrance was in a recess in the wall so I was unseen. I opened the panel fully and slipped out, motioning to Lisa and George to stay put. The panel was operated on the visible side by a button hidden on a decorative flower. I noted its exact position. I might have to use it. Gingerly I stepped forward and looked around.

On the gallery opposite they were still prying at the door. Below there seemed to be dozens of natives armed with swords and daggers just waiting to rush up the stairs when the door was open. Then I paused horror-struck. Through the crowd three men were forcing their way carrying a small barrel of gunpowder. They must have decided to blow the door in.

I slipped back to the others to tell them what I had seen.

"Take the Rajah and put him behind the door." I ordered. "I'll try to delay them and then retreat through this entrance. Quickly now! You must make them hear the Rajah before they set off the gunpowder."

Lisa pecked me on the cheek before she and George set off at a run. I put down the two swords I had been carrying and loosened my pistol in its holster.

I opened the panel, stepped out, and closed it fully behind me. The men carrying the gunpowder barrel had started up the stairs. How could I stop them? A lucky pistol shot might hit the barrel but I would have to be very lucky to hit a moving target at that range.

Even if I could fight my way through the mass below I would be too late. I looked around and saw the chandeliers. If I could hang on to the nearest I could swing to the next and then across. As long as there were no firearms I might have a chance. I peered carefully - only swords and daggers. I hoped I hadn't missed a concealed pistol.

I thought of Lisa. She may have seen the last of me. I jumped to the first chandelier and grabbed. It swung violently and hit the second one. Before that one swung away I transferred one hand to it... then both. But my momentum had been lost. I was stuck above a hostile crowd who had seen me. They shouted imprecations at me and waved their useless swords in the air. A spear thrown from the back of the hall missed me by inches and impaled one of the natives to groans of dismay.