Chapter 1 – The Training Session
"Not another training session! I can't afford the time away from the office. You know I'm behind on the Thompson's quarterly tax payment calculations and we need to get the rest of the partnership bookkeeping done to finalize that". My plea fell on deaf ears. I had to go. I couldn't argue against the entire accounting profession. It wasn't even like it was training in some place exotic. OK, I could put up with training in Las Vegas or San Francisco – but Kansas City? You can't even get a direct flight to the place.
I wasn't all that pleased about being on a plane again so soon in any event. Just last week I had been departing for Salt Lake City when, in front of my eyes, the UTA flight from Charlotte crashed and all on board were killed. With these thoughts, I sat in my window seat praying for the near impossible – not to be bothered by the person in the seat next to me. As we started down the runway, I watched the takeoff with the joy and frustration of a pilot in the back. A small flame and a puff of smoke from the engine were like a dream. The loud bang which accompanied them wasn't. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid we had a flat tire and will need to return to the gate" lied the captain as he throttled back the engines. I wasn't going to argue with him. At least we were getting off this plane! A second attempt on a new plane got us into the air and on our way to a week of boredom.
"When calculating earnings and profits for a newly purchase foreign subsidiary, a section 338 election should be made in order to eliminate the historical E&P and allow for a step up in basis and a fresh start. This benefits the client and makes our lives easier – ha ha" Oh god save me from moronic instructors. After two days of this I was ready to consider murder as an acceptable career path. The only ray of hope in this entire dismal event was my colleague from Atlanta I met at the firms' dinner last night. She seemed very nice and we had a long talk about shared work frustrations. Granted the divorce, mine, was only a few months old, but I still wasn't interested in making the emotional investment. I was looking forward to some nice but boring work conversation.
OK, so I have been wrong before and will be wrong again. At dinner we managed to sit together again – her instructor was no better than mine. The shared conversation around the table was the interminable dullness of the event. How much better we would do this if we were running the training sessions! After dinner, a huge crowd descended on the bar and there we wasted another hour or so mumbling about work pressures, deadlines, idiot clients – the usual CPA chit chat. "I've got to get some fresh air", my Atlanta colleague said. I could appreciate her thoughts and I too did not want to play the "Get stuck with the bar tab and try to explain that to the accounting department when you get back" game.
The hotel had a nice terrace on the top floor with a view of incredibly quiet and not so great looking downtown Kansas City. Turns out even with such a classic view, no one else seemed interested in sharing it with us. Our conversation moved from work to home. I explained my recent divorce and she explained her failing third marriage. It finally dawned on us that it was getting quite late, so back inside we went. At her door I risked a quick kiss on the cheek which she seemed to appreciate, and possibly approve of.
The fourth day was as mind numbing as the previous three. The only consolation was that we knew we were almost through. "When considering management and control for purposes of corporate residence, one must ensure true third party relationships exist. Otherwise, one risks a conflict of interest – not unlike our colleagues did with the Enron entities – ha ha" Even worse, they were doing Enron jokes. Please god, take me now! A smile from my Atlanta colleague across the room lightened up an otherwise dreary day. Another dinner. Another round of pass the check.
FRIDAY! It finally arrived. Thank god I can now get back to the office, try to catch up a bit on the weekend. I had an early morning flight back. Hopefully Monday wont be so bad. I could imagine all the irate client phone calls I would have to endure. Most of the attendees were going back home this evening. At dinner last night my Atlanta colleague and I arranged to have dinner tonight as we were two of only a half a dozen who couldn't get flights out until the morning.
I couldn't believe it. We actually found a decent restaurant in Kansas City! Not too big, nor pretentious. Good country French with a decent, not extravagantly overpriced wine list. Their casseoulet, while good, did not evoke the fond memories of my holidays last year in Tourraine. But, I thought, at least the company was good. Amy, I could no longer think of her as "my Atlanta colleague", was wonderful company and as the dinner progressed, and the wine was consumed, we returned to her life story. Third marriage was on the rocks. Husband had lost his job, his sense of self worth, his sense of everything. Amy had put up with it for 2 years but her patience was wearing thin. "I get him job interviews and he screws them up. Comes across as a big shot bit can't back it up in the interview. He wont even consider a different, or god forbid a more junior, position!"
I let her talked, mumbling an occasional "I understand". I did, actually, as I had been through the same thing. But I got out of it and so could he – if he wanted to. "As long as you pay the mortgage, put food on the table and have sex with him three nights a week and twice on the weekends, why should he even try to get a job?" I asked. Well, that got a good laugh. "Sex three times a week and twice on the weekends, you must be kidding. I'm lucky if he is willing to have sex once a month. Even then it wouldn't happen if I didn't initiate it." Wow, someone was in a worse position than I was.
Having my ex wife move out and in with her new boss I thought I might know his motive. "So is he having sex with someone else?" I asked. "Who would want him? OK, I know that's not fair" she said softly. "I just don't understand why he won't accept my emotional support. Its as if he has cut himself off from everyone, especially me."