"I told you already, I can't. I'm trying to finish this paper so I can start studying for my mid-terms."
"But we haven't had any fun for three days in a row now."
He knew that she was using "fun" as a euphemism.
But I'm too distracted. I can't put school out of my mind. Sex now would just be perfunctory. She'd be bound to be disappointed.
The last two weeks had been the best of his life. It had been like living inside a pornographic movie. He couldn't bear the thought of not performing up to the standards they'd set for each other.
"I promise. No later than Sunday. Probably Saturday."
"But I'm bored."
He felt his temper fraying. Gen had been especially wearisome since yesterday.
I'll try one last time.
"Until I graduate, there are going to be three times every semester that I'll be too busy for our normal routine. The week preceding mid-terms, the one before finals, and the week of the exams. It can't be helped. It's like the sun rising in the east and Christmas falling on the 25th of December. Facts. Immutable and inevitable. Are you willing to accept this?"
He could tell from the blank look in her eyes that she hated to hear him being analytical about things having to do with their relationship.
"You don't understand how I feel."
That brought him to his feet. He abandoned his books and sat next to her on the bed. Putting his arms around her shoulders, he hugged her tightly and kissed her lips.
"Of course I do. I feel the same," he whispered into her ear. "Please, think of something you'd like to do next Saturday night and Sunday. If we can afford to do it, we will, no matter what."
She put her face into his chest and muttered. "I don't care about money and doing things that need it. I just want you to myself for a part of the day. The best part of the day." She ran her hand up his chest and around the back his head. She pulled him toward her for a passionate kiss. When she broke the kiss, she said, "I've never loved a man before. I don't understand how you don't feel the same way."
"But I do."
Christ. How can I make her comprehend?
"I'm here to accomplish something. It's 1980 and I'm already twenty-two. It's taking me longer than others because I have to work full time. If I succeed, if I graduate with honors, it'll be a big step. You know I have to do well in order to get accepted into law school. And after, there'll be times of intensive effort, just like now. And, if I get to be a lawyer, it'll be the same way, only it won't go according to a plan. It'll be more chaotic. That's the way life is."
"So, you mean this is as good as it's gonna get?"
Nothing he'd said had gotten through to her. He couldn't stop himself from being terse. "Would you rather I punched a time clock for a minimum wage job for the rest of my life? You wanna try to live decently on that? What could we afford? Never a new car, always something just this side of the junkyard. Never a house. Maybe a repossessed trailer in a fucking trailer park because we couldn't afford any land."
His voice rose as he spoke. "This is how professional people live. They have to dedicate themselves to their career. It's the same for people in business. It's just how life is. If you want to accomplish things, you have to put in the time."
She pulled away from him, got under the covers and turned toward the wall. When she remained silent for several moments, he got up and returned to the kitchen table and his books.
"I'll come home for dinner at the regular time, but until the end of next week, I'm going to return to the library until it closes."
Because I obviously can't get anything done here.
She didn't respond.
He said, "Tomorrow's Friday. I won't need my car. Why don't you take it and go visit your friends? Or invite them over? I don't mind. I know it's hard on you being alone without me so much."
"I don't have any money," she answered in a quiet voice.
"Take twenty dollars out of the emergency fund in the desk drawer. You don't need to worry about gas. I filled up on the way home tonight."
"Okay. Thanks."
Maybe that'll satisfy her for tonight.
*****
The next morning, as usual, Gen woke up alone. Tom was an early riser and a bowl of cereal satisfied him for breakfast. He had begun grinding his coffee beans the night before so as not to disturb her in the morning. Until yesterday, his concern for not disturbing her had struck her as endearing. This morning she found herself wishing that he'd awakened her.
At least we would've had a few minutes together.
She felt morose and ungrateful. Not only was she living with a man that she loved, he didn't expect her to contribute financially. He hadn't told to quit her job but he did say, "If you hate that job as much as you say you do, I won't fuss if you quit it." Yet here she sat, wallowing in self-pity because the kind, generous and handsome man that she loved hadn't paid attention to her for most of the week and, after a promised brief interlude this weekend, would repeat the performance the following week.
So, now I know; love is a rollercoaster.
The wish that she'd never met Tom began to form in her mind but she dismissed it immediately.
No, never that. He doesn't deserve that. It's not his fault I'm such a mess.
Following Tom's suggestion, she dialed Nancy's number. They'd been roommates in the dorm, then friends, then co-workers at the Corral Club until the lack of business had forced Bob to cut back. She hadn't spoken to Nancy since the day after she'd met Tom and told her that Tom had invited her to move in with him.
"Shit, Gen that was fast. I thought you had some kind of policy or rule against getting too involved with any man. 'They're good for a bounce and that's about it. More trouble than they're worth otherwise.' I'd swear that was a Gen quote."
Gen had laughed and replied, "Sweetheart, all I can say is that every bitch has her day. If not for his belly and his teeth he'd be a fucking movie star. And he's good enough in bed to make a nun wanna slap the pope. But that's not the most important thing. He looks at me, not my tits or my legs. He wants me, not just my pussy. When I talk he listens."
Nancy laughed. "Most guys act like they listen before sex. It's just part of the game called 'hide the sausage.'"
Gen got earnest. "No, it's not that. We discussed literature, you know, themes, character development and world-building. And then afterward, well ..."
"Well what? Did ya'll talk after sex? Now that would really be something."
"I cried. I don't mean I got a little teary and sniffed. I mean snot running out of my nose and spit drooling from my mouth and beating on his chest crying and sobbing."
"Shit, why? What did he do?"
"He didn't do anything to trigger it. And when it started, he just held me and kissed my head and said, 'Let it all out. I'm here,' and stuff like that."
"Damn, girlfriend, a lot of guys would've freaked out. What happened after that?"
"You won't believe it, but he made me herb tea and fed me really good chocolate chip cookies, you know, the soft kind. And he encouraged me to talk, but not about the crying, just whatever I wanted to talk about. So I asked him about himself and eventually he got me to laughing so hard I choked. Then we made love again. And it was just so good. When I had an orgasm I couldn't help myself. I told him I loved him."
Nancy just stared as if she were astonished. Then she asked, "What were you crying about?"
"A lot of things. Gran for one, and the fact that I have to start repaying loans next year, and my job sucks, and I have no money, and I owe you rent for this month and can't pay. Good thing Randy's moving in with you. But mostly, I think, I just couldn't believe my feelings for him. I mean, shit, how can something like that happen so fast?"
Nancy paused before saying, "It might be that you're ripe for the picking, emotionally, I mean. With all you're going through and all the men you've been with and what did that ever get you? I'll tell you right now, I've always been worried about you. I mean, you've got a good heart, but you haven't been able to let it show. Then, this 'Mr. Perfect' comes along and does everything, and I really mean every-fucking-thing, right. You know, this love at first sight is mostly bullshit.
