Chapter Twenty-One:
Nev
The mirror never lies and it was time someone told the truth. I stood staring at my appearance with my phone pressed to my ear listening to Jeremy's grating voice. I looked tired and sad and honestly I was both. I just wanted to curl up in bed and eat myself to oblivion. Why couldn't I be one of those girls who got depressed and had no appetite. Why did I have to be one of those girls who gets depressed and eats everything in sight? Or was that the pregnancy?
"I'm sorry, honey, but I need someone who sticks to the plan. I can't have my models going off half-cocked. This industry is brutal and if you can't huff it, you don't belong here." His words stung, and I knew I had what it took. He just had no clue about the baby and I wasn't going to tell him either. I had already submitted my application to a few places. I had an MBA for fuck's sake. I was wasting my time in these beauty contests trying to fit in where I didn't belong.
"So what are you saying?" I asked, bracing for the hard cold truth. I'd known this moment was coming for weeks. Taylor was probably gloating about being given all my contracts. I was happy for her even though she probably didn't give a rat's ass about me. She'd be following her dream and I would have a little bundle of joy to enjoy the rest of my life.
"I'm saying, I'm done. You have to find a different agent. Our contract allows for me to cancel at any time, and I'm canceling. You can pick up your things from the dressing room, babe. I'm out."
Jeremy was an imbecile. He had no tact or grace at all. He didn't know how to be kind or compassionate and I should have known it would end this way the first day when he said I had an apple bottom. I was a size zero back then and he made comments like that.
"Fine," I told him, not even waiting for him to end the call. I hung up. It hurt, but I was better off. People like Jeremy were toxic. That whole industry was toxic, and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore.
Cici was right. I had a bad habit of finding men who talked down to me and belittled me. It was a weakness of mine. I found an assertive man and that was it for me--boyfriend, boss, landlord, it didn't matter. I let them run my life because I had fucking daddy issues and needed someone to punish me so I could feel better about myself. Well I was sick of it. And I was sick of feeling like someone's last choice or like I wasn't good enough.
I tore the black sweater off and threw it across the room then collapsed onto my bed. Beck would just have to understand that I wasn't coming to dinner. I didn't want to. I wanted so much more from him than just friendship and faking shit. Cici knew it too. She'd known it for a long time and she was right. He chewed me up and spat me out and my heart was broken and now I was going to be a parent and all by myself.
I'd cried so much over the past few weeks I didn't even have tears to cry anymore. All I could do was lie in bed and stare at the wall blankly. I felt worthless. I'd gotten into this whole thing in the interest of helping my best friend not break ties with her brother, and yes, there was a ton of selfishness in it too. I wanted Beck to see me for me--Nev Winters. The woman who had adored him since she was seventeen years old. The woman who'd go out of her way to help him when he didn't deserve it. And what did that get me? Nothing but burned. Just like Cici said.
I put my pillow over my head and screamed into it at the top of my lungs. Then jammed it under my head and closed my eyes. No way in hell was I going to dinner with them. Cici would say "I told you so" and Beck would fawn all over her and Drew and make them happy. I'd be the side piece that gets forgotten and shat on and I was better than that. I was keeping what little dignity I had left. I deserved better.
Trying to relax, I focused on each muscle group, starting with my neck and shoulders, and let all the tension out of my muscles. Usually I did this during yoga or Pilates but that was something I'd given up in the chaos of trying to help Beck. My life took a turn somewhere I didn't recognize it, and I was reclaiming it for me.
But my phone rang and when I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Cici, I couldn't ignore it. Ashamed or not, she was my best friend and even if she did tell me she told me so, I had to put up with it. I needed her. There was no way I was going to make it through this pregnancy and into motherhood without her.
"Yeah," I grunted as I answered.
"Girl, what are you wearing to dinner? Drew is just going in his work clothes but I didn't want to be overdressed." I heard the hangers slide across the rod in her closet and let my head loll to the side. Of course now was the time she picked to call me and start being civil again.
"Not sure..." I didn't want to tell her I wasn't going because it might mean that she canceled too. Then Beck would keep pestering me. Once they were back to normal he would forget all about me and I could just fade into oblivion for a while.
I didn't even want to tell him about the baby if I didn't have to. He'd never want a kid. He was focused on his career and bossing Cici around. His grandma just had a stroke and the only thing I could possibly need him for was money. So I just needed a good job and I was set. He could live his life and I'd live mine.
"What do you mean you're not sure? You're going right?" Cici sounded annoyed by my comment and I had to resist the urge to sigh too heavily.
"A black sweater and jeans." I lied. I lied to my best friend and now she was going to hate me forever.
"Nev, tell me you're going."
There was no getting out of this dinner. If I lied to her face and said I'd be there then I didn't show up I would never hear the end of it. "Fine, yes. I'm going." I forced myself off the bed and found my discarded sweater. "Okay?"
"Yeah, okay. Any idea where his new place is? Drew didn't tell me. He just said he had an address." Cici sounded more irritated than interested, but I knew Beck's big reveal meant the world to him.
"Uh, yeah. It's a row house close to where you guys grew up." That was the best I could give her but she was content with it. She hung up to get ready and I pulled the sweater back on over my head.
Thirty minutes later I was on Beck's stoop, bracing myself for a rough evening. I rubbed my face and forced a proper smile, and when I rang the bell he opened almost immediately. I saw the hint of disappointment on his face and knew it was because he was hoping for his sister. I tried not to be discouraged by that. I knew how he felt about her. They were always very close and she was all he had.
"Hey," I mumbled and stepped inside. He'd really done a lot with the place. It was now fully furnished. Large chunky leather recliners and matching sofa were positioned around a sleek glass-top coffee table. He had a grandfather clock along the wall I swore I'd seen in some old photos at his apartment once, and the hardwood flooring looked like it had been polished to a high sheen. "Wow..."
"Yeah, wait 'til you see the dining room. I catered dinner in since I don't have appliances but it's Cici's favorite." He led me through the entryway into the dining room where a sprawling glass dining table with modern black leather chairs was the focal point beneath a crystal chandelier. The fireplace had been redone, boasting brand new marble tiles arranged in a beautiful pattern but the showstopper was a framed family portrait of Beck and Cici with their parents, mounted above the mantle. It brought tears to my eyes.
If Beck went to that length to do something that nice for his sister, how much more would he go out of his way to care for the woman he loved? And fuck's sake I wanted that woman to be me so badly but I'd never experience that.
"What's wrong? You don't like it?"
"No... It's just... I love it... It's really special, Beck." I reached for him but he didn't see, and at the same time the bell rang.
It was his moment to shine, not mine. I wiped my tears and stayed in the dining room as he went to get the door. I just wanted the torture to be over now.
