Chapter 10
Bailey
Killian was quiet the entire drive from my apartment to my dad's place. When he picked me up he seemed distant, like something had changed between us. I felt it too, though until now I believed it was one-sided--the way I felt more drawn and closer to him. It was like that for me though. Sex always made me get attached and I had to fight not to catch feelings. This time was doubly hard because I wanted so badly to catch feelings before he even took me into that tack room. Now I was battling myself and what I knew would happen.
He, however, didn't seem to be experiencing the same thing as me. While I was eager to hold his hand and lean in to smell his cologne, Killian was withdrawn. Not at all impolite or rude to me though. It was strange, like he was softened toward me the way intimacy can do, but distant, like he was purposefully keeping me at arm's length. I didn't understand it, but I didn't question it.
We both swore to each other this was fake. I was exchanging my time and familial connection to Uncle Mike's good graces so Kill would stay out of trouble with him, while Kill was here to offer his steady strength in the background and help my dad feel confident in me. And not to forget the cold hard cash, which slowly was becoming less and less important to me.
I'd have traded all the cash in the world to have a guy like Killian who was thoughtful and had the resources to care for me. I never asked him for that shelving unit he put together with my dad that day. He just saw I had a need and thought up a solution for me. And Dad even seemed to enjoy working on it, as if he was starting to see some potential in Killian too.
As we walked through the door at Dad's, Killian hefted Sienna's car seat. She was three weeks old now, and hungry literally all the time. She had a two-week checkup and the doctor said it was normal so I believed her. Killian noticed it more than I did, but she was growing like a weed. I saw her all day every day, but with his infrequent visits--mostly to keep up appearances for Dad and Mike's sake--he told me she was bigger or heavier.
I just knew carrying her car seat around was a pain in the ass so whenever possible I let him do it. This time, he was happy to join me for a family barbeque on Dad's back patio. I expected it to be just the three of us, but when we walked through the back door onto the shaded deck, I saw Mike and Margret and their daughter Steffy, visiting from Nebraska where she moved to marry her high school sweetheart.
"The party has arrived!" Steffy jumped off her seat and rushed over to me. Three years my senior she was full of life and love and yet infertile. She and her husband were trying everything to conceive but still unable, and I felt guilty when I announced a one-nighter knocked me up and I wasn't even prepared for kids.
"Hey, Stef," I said, hugging her before she quickly pulled away to take Sienna's seat from Kill.
As soon as his hands were free, he had one on my back. It closed the awkward gap that had loomed between us for days, ever since we screwed at the fair. I didn't mind it; in fact, it felt amazing to melt into his side and cling to him again. I missed this feeling and I'd been craving it.
Even Uncle Mike's salty stare didn't intimidate me. There was something healing about being close to Killian and feeling the warmth of his body against mine. He seemed to relax more too the instant we were connected and the distance between us was closed. So relaxed, I didn't want to make him tense or push him away with any awkward words. So I bit back my real feelings and tried to pretend--in Killian's eyes--that it was no big deal, while really selling the intimacy to my family.
"Oh my god, she's so precious," Steffy cooed as she unstrapped Sienna and cradled her. Aunt Margret was there too, helping her daughter swaddle mine. They fussed over how adorable her outfit was, while Mike sipped a beer and stared at me.
"Kill picked that out," I told them as Killian guided me toward the patio table and pulled out a chair.
"How noble of him..." Mike eyed Killian over the beer in his hand as he brought it to his mouth again and Dad set an open bottle in front of us.
"For you, Killian. I'm assuming you don't mind a light beer. Us old men have to think about our waistline a little more than you young guys." Dad chuckled and Killian nodded but said nothing. It wasn't like him to be so quiet but again, I wasn't pressing him. Something was off with him and I didn't want him to be upset with me.
Not that it mattered. This was going to end awkwardly anyway, maybe badly, but for now I wanted to enjoy whatever it was. And even if my desire for his money to pay my bills had lessened, I still needed it. I was struggling to make ends meet before all this happened. Having Killian Welch's pocket change would catapult me into financial stability.
Dad returned to the grill, to cook and I chatted with my aunt and cousin about Sienna's habits and routines. Killian drank his beer and avoided conversation, though Dad and Mike tried to involve him in a manly debate about the relative blackness of meat in correlation to its doneness or edibility. Dad always leaned toward black is better while Mike was more of a rare meat kind of guy.
Things were going smoothly even as we ate our food and cracked jokes about Dad's poor cooking. Killian started to lighten up a little and he even helped me get dessert from the fridge and serve it. It was easy to pretend we were happy, that we were a real couple and that my family supported and loved me. But the undercurrent of Killian's distant behavior kept nagging at me, holding my head just below the surface of bliss where I struggled to fully let go of my pessimism.
"I think she's getting a little fussy. Could she be hungry?" Steffy asked me, staring down at Sienna who had been on her lap for the entire meal.
Steffy's long hair was tied behind her back but a few strands dangled in Sienna's face. She whisked them away and when she did I could see Sienna rooting, turning her mouth to find my breast.
"It looks like she's definitely hungry." As I said the words, I felt my boobs throbbing. It never failed how easy it was to get my milk to let down these days. I reached for her and Steffy passed her across the table as Margret stood.
"Well you feed the baby, and I'll clear the plates." She started picking up dishes, and Mike bolted to his feet too.
"No dear, you sit, I'll get them." Before Aunt Margret could protest, he was scooping up plates, first his, then Killian's. He collected Kill's silverware and beer bottles too, overfilling his arms and bobbling things.
"You're incorrigible," Margret chided her husband and took an armful of dishes herself.
