Every Reason Not To Pt 02

Chapter 11

The plane took off to carry me home, but I left my heart there, just another peg on the board of Spencer's conquests. Tears streamed down my face as we broke through the clouds and I saw the sun rising high. He'd be off at class now, probably celebrating the last day with his pals while I flew home crying over a guy who never cared about me at all. I was just another woman he fucked. I was surprised he hadn't tried to keep my panties or whatever it was guys did when they took a girl's virginity.

The woman next to me talked on her cellphone, going on and on about some home decorating ideas, and I tried to tune her out. Life went on for everyone. That was the hardest part of all of this. Life would go on. There was no stopping it. No going back to that moment where I yielded my heart and my body and exchanged the one untouched thing in my life to hands that had touched so much, so many. No takebacks. No do-overs. Only my broken heart and the lingering memories of Spencer's lips on mine to remind me how much I screwed up.

"Hey, are you okay?" the woman next to me asked, staring at me.

"Fine," I mumbled, curling into myself further. I wasn't fine. I was angry and hurt. My heart was in a thousand pieces and all I could think about was why I wasn't good enough. Why he had acted like he wanted me multiple times over months of this past year, then when he had me, he told me it was a mistake. How was I a mistake?

I cried harder, but I turned to look out the window over the wing. I wanted to only feel anger, to let the rage bubble up inside of me so the tears stopped and I could just hate him, but I didn't hate him. I didn't think I could ever hate him. As much as I wanted to hate him, there wasn't a shred of hatred inside my body for him.

Because I loved him.

And that thought had me undone. So unraveled that the woman next to me got the stewardess to bring me a water and some tissues. I sobbed until I had no more tears, leaning on the window and letting my heart fall apart silently. I could tell no one what I was feeling. It wouldn't' matter if I did. No one could undo it, or fix it. No one could make him love me or want me. Only time and space would do that. I didn't even know if time or space would do it.

I let my eyes shut and I slept. It was a fitful sleep, fraught with dreams I didn't want to have and nightmares. When I woke up we were taxiing to the terminal. I had left Columbia behind in favor of something even more difficult. Caring for my sick mother would get my mind off of Spencer Mitchel, but what would help me cope with losing Mom?

I collected my things and followed the stream of people leaving the airplane in search of baggage collection, but I had no checked bags. Curt would visit in a few weeks during the short break between semesters for him. He'd bring everything with him that I needed. All I had was my carry on and my computer bag, which I hefted all the way to the front of the airport where I found Aunt Betty waiting for me with sad eyes.

I rushed up to her and set my things down before wrapping her in my arms. "How is she?" My heart was so full of grief I didn't know if I could take the answer.

"It's not good, Kate," she whispered into my hair as she held me. "It's pretty bad, okay?"

I let more tears fall. I should have left when they told us months ago. I should have come home, cared for her. Enjoyed these days with her. But I stayed because she told me to. She was a warrior, wanted to prove to us she was okay, but it was time lost.

"Let's go, kid. She's waiting for us." Aunt Betty kissed my cheek and led me to the car, and all I could do was slog along behind her crying.

I wanted my life back.

***

...one year later...

It didn't seem right, bright sunshine overhead on such a sad day. Curt stood right next to me, arm wrapped around my waist as the priest spoke warmly about our mother. A picture we had both chosen together had been blown up and framed. It sat on a pedestal next to a wreath with all of Mom's favorite flowers--poppies, asters, roses.

"She'd have loved this, Kate. You did so good," Curt whispered in my ear.

I'd heard it all day long, how beautiful the announcements were, the floral arrangements, the obituary. What did it matter? Mom was gone, and no one would bring her back.

One by one mourners paraded by us, shaking our hands, offering hugs. Each one who passed left me emptier inside, colder. I felt like a shell of who I used to be.

"Why didn't he come?" I asked. Curt knew I was talking about Spencer. I told him to ask Spencer to come.

"Finals," Curt mumbled. I could tell he was disappointed by it too, so I didn't say anything else. But it hurt that he hadn't cared enough to at least send a letter or a flower arrangement.

As the last of the mourners passed by us, Curt led me away from the gravesite. We walked in silence, holding hands, until we reached his car. Curt opened the passenger door for me and I climbed in, barely registering the leather seat beneath me.

Curt got in the driver's seat and started the car, but he didn't drive away. Instead, he turned to face me. His eyes were soft and full of empathy. "Kate, I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but things will get better. It'll take time, but you'll start to heal."

I scoffed. "Heal? How do you heal from losing your mother?"

Curt reached out and took my hand. "You'll never completely heal, Kate. But it won't always hurt this much. You'll learn to live with it."

I shook my head, tears streaming down my face. "I don't want to live with it, Curt. I want her back. I want my life back."

Silently, he put the car in drive and headed out of the cemetery. As we drove back to Mom's house, memories of our childhood flooded my mind. Mom was always the one who held us together, with her warm hugs and comforting words. How were we going to survive without her?

Curt parked the car in the driveway and we made our way inside. It was eerie how quiet the house was without her. We sat on the couch, staring at the blank TV screen.

"I don't know how to do this, Curt," I finally broke the silence. "How are we going to keep going without her?"

Curt took my hand in his and looked at me with his deep brown eyes. "I think you should go back to school, finish your degree. It's been a year already. You were only supposed to take the summer off. "

The last thing I wanted was to go back to school, be subjected to watching Spencer flaunt his sexual prowess around in front of me, seeing the trail of women at his door. No, I had no intention of going back.

I could see it in his eyes -- disappointment and frustration. I needed the time off and that was what I was doing. I had to breathe for a while. But Curt was right, I couldn't keep hiding in my grief forever. Maybe going back to school was the push I needed to start moving forward again.

"I'll think about it," I said finally, squeezing his hand. "Thanks for being here for me, Curt. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Curt smiled at me, his dimples making an appearance. "That's what brothers are for."

It was comforting to have Curt by my side, but I couldn't help feeling alone in my grief. I missed Mom so much, it was a physical ache in my chest.

As the day turned into night, I found myself unable to sleep. I got up from the couch and walked around the house, taking in all the memories that were scattered around. The family photos on the walls, the knickknacks we collected on our family vacations, and the smell of Mom's favorite candle that still lingered in the air.

This was going to be harder than I thought. Maybe harder than facing Spencer, but it was what I needed to heal. School could wait until my head was on straight.

Chapter 12

I sat there enduring each individual introduction, but I was distracted. Kate kept fidgeting with her hair, finger-combing it and tucking it around her ear. I forgot how sexy she was and it was distracting. Curt had told me she was doing her residency here--one of the reasons I snagged this job quickly when it came up. I'd been waiting ten years to have a very specific talk with her that never happened. It seemed pointless now, seeing her all grown up and confident. She wasn't the impressionable eighteen-year-old whose virginity I stole anymore.

"Thank you, Dr. Williams." Dr. Mathers cleared his throat and tapped the end of his pen on the table we sat around. The conference room felt small for a hospital setting; I'd seen much larger than this. But it felt too large for my comfort. Kate was only feet away, but I wanted her closer, much closer. I couldn't smell her the way I could that morning as I watched her eat toast, knowing she was leaving and I wouldn't see her for a while. Had I known exactly how long, I'd have said what I needed to say back then.

"Dr. Davis, you're next... Then finally, Dr. Richards." Jeff snickered like a child when Mathers said Kate's last name. I shook my head. Breaking his immature streak was going to be enjoyable, though I didn't relish the constant looks of annoyance like the one on Kate's face right now. I'd had enough of them in my day, so to see them there again because of some man-child frustrated me. I much preferred her smiling and happy.

"Yeah, so I'm Caleb. Guess you're going to call me Dr. Davis." I listened to Caleb go on about why he'd chosen oncology and what his specific specialty would be, but Kate twirled a strand of her caramel hair around her finger. Even the black, square-framed glasses she wore were sexy as hell. I found myself thinking of her looking up at me through them as I hovered over her, pinning her to my bed, and that thought was enough to force me to peel my eyes away from her.

It was dangerous, to think of her like that. Not because Curt would be upset. He'd gotten over that years ago. He'd had several talks with me about how he was concerned about her at times, how she needed to find someone to care for her, someone like me--serious, honest, driven. I didn't think for a second he actually meant me, just that he wanted to see his sister happy. And when he eloped instead of having a traditional wedding, I was disappointed that I never got the chance to dance with Kate and find out just how bad I messed up when we were kids. How angry she was with me.

No, Kate was dangerous for another reason. Because she was my game changer. She was the one who forced me to grow up and realize what I was doing to all the women I screwed around with. To face what I was doing with my life. I slept with a few women since then, but not like before. Not like I did in college. And not one of them since her had the same effect on me. It took two years to get her out of my head, the scent of her skin slathered in coconut sunscreen, the taste of her juices on my lips. The way she screamed when her body tore just from my dick sliding into her.

She was an instant addiction that I finally kicked, and now I was flirting with the devil.

"Thank you, Dr. Davis. Dr. Richards..." Mathers gestured and Kate cleared her throat.

"Uh, it's okay, I know her." I waved my hand. Listening to her voice right now would be torture. She was already in my head, in my pants making me swell.

"It's only fair that all of the students have the same opportunity, previous relationships or not." Mathers nodded at Kate. "Go on."

She sat straighter, nervous fingers folded together then straightening on the table in front of her. "Uh, I'm Dr. Richards." God the melodic sound of her voice curled around my eardrums and drizzled down into my soul, a symphony of memories singing a song I tried to forget so many times. "I graduated from Columbia University this spring finally after a haitus of three years."

So it was three years she was out of college. I did the calculations in my head quickly. That meant we lived only blocks from each other for at least a year as I finished my final semesters of medical school before heading to California to do my residency at Loma Linda. Curt never told me. I wondered if that was Kate's doing? If she told him not to speak a word of it. I wondered if she knew I was there too, just the other side of campus. If she had avoided me.

"I chose oncology and more specifically, a specialization in pediatric oncology, because my brother was diagnosed with bone cancer his senior year in high school, at seventeen. During his treatments I became fascinated with the process. I was only fourteen at the time, but I knew then that I wanted to help kids who had cancer have hope and recover."

I remembered the stories Curt told me, but I never knew that was Kate's motivation. I had wrongly assumed she chose that major because of her mother's breast cancer. I probably assumed a lot of things incorrectly. I never took time to get to know her when I lived with her. I was too stuck on myself, and my games. And it wasn't until she was gone that I got to know anything about her. Curt got sick of my questions, which was how I knew he was loosening up on the "off limits" rule he'd made. He told me to talk to her myself, but I never had the guts to call her.

"And when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer I dropped out of college to care for her. I returned three years later, following her death." Kate's eyes met mine, a hint of pain there. I'd skipped Nancy's funeral because I was neck deep in finals and med school was ten times harder than my undergrad program. "I finished up, graduating magna cum laude, and Dana-Farber Brigham accepted me for my residency."

And there it was, the most perfect smile on the planet, complete with dimples. Only it was directed at Dr. Mathers, not me. What I wouldn't do to have it directed at me. The whole world could blow away in a hurricane but that smile would anchor me.

"Thank you, Dr. Richards," Mathers said and Man-child snickered again. "Dr. Mitchel, the students are all yours now. I will get out of your hair." He stood and tapped the table with a finger. "We will meet every Monday at seven a.m. here to recap the previous week. Outside of that, Dr. Mitchel will handle everything. Enjoy learning how reconstructive surgery goes hand in hand with treating your cancer patients."

I glanced at the clock on the wall as Dr. Mathers left the room. We'd been doing this all morning after I broke down the two-month rotation to them in detail. I knew everyone was hungry, and I hoped for a second to speak to Kate privately to set some expectations and boundaries for our interaction during work hours. I stood and cleared my throat, sliding a hand in my pocket to disguise the bulge that I hoped wasn't too obvious in the slacks.

"Alright, we've been sitting here for a long time. I think we can take a short break. It's two-twenty. Our first lecture will start at three in the lecture hall. You'll need your notebooks or tablets, however you take notes, and you'll need a recording device, but those should have been issued to you when you signed in this morning. If not, go see Director Salazar at the office downstairs; she'll get you hooked up." All of them watched me intently as I spoke, but the only set of eyes I wanted on me were Kate's. This entire rotation was going to be extremely challenging. Not only did I have to be fair and ethical, but I had to fight my desire, and the strange swell of emotion I had every time I looked at her. Hopefully that would fade after a while.

"Do not be late. I have a zero-tolerance policy. If you are late, you will be locked out of the hall and miss the lecture, and thus your performance in this internship will suffer because you will not have all the information you need." I looked straight at her, but she had her eyes on something else. "I'll see you in the lecture hall at three."

I waited, watching her, but as soon as I finished speaking she turned and said something to Dr. Williams, who giggled, and they walked out together. All I could do was watch her walk away, again.

Forty minutes later, I sat at the podium in the lecture hall. Five interns sat facing me. Kate was not one of them. The door was locked and I had my white board up with an image of a young boy who had a brain tumor and his skull had been misshapen and he needed surgery to repair it. I started talking, telling them about the young boy and how my reconstruction enabled him to have a normal life, and I heard a knock on the door.

I turned to see Kate there, smiling and waving. She had a recording device in her hand, and I knew she'd had to go see the director about it. It was too late.

"Dr. Mitchel, should I let her in?" Dr. Williams asked. It was kind of her to offer; I could tell Kate and Mackenzie were friends, but rules were rules.

"She knew the rule. She misses out this time." I turned away from the window and the smile that I wanted to memorize and seal away for my dreams tonight, and my heart clenched a little. I hated being a hardass to her. It would only make any animosity she held toward me worse, but I could not show favoritism. A student who could not be on time, did not deserve the honor of being a part of the internship.

Kate had to learn the hard way.

Chapter 13

As soon as the doors opened, I stormed in. The others exited, joking about something said during the lecture that I missed because Dr. Hardass decided to lock me out of the class. Even Mackenzie breezed past me, chatting with Emma and Ima. I was livid. Spencer looked up at me as I approached.

"What the hell, Spencer." I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.

"That's Dr. Mitchel, and please show some respect."

"Why did you lock me out?" I tapped my foot, releasing some of my pent-up rage.

"You were late."

"I was ninety seconds late."

"Late is late." Spencer stuffed his pens and laptop into his bag and hung the strap over his shoulder. "Now if you'll excuse me, we are moving on to the observation portion of today's lesson. You can join us if you'd like." He moved past me, and I got a whiff of his cologne and god did it make me want to swoon so bad, but I was furious with him.

"I can't believe you are being so cruel. Why? Because we have history so you think you can be hard on me?" I followed behind him, but he didn't even so much as look at me.

"Part of being a good doctor is discipline and that includes managing your time, so I suggest you find a way to do that."

He walked away as calm as a cucumber and I was seething, but I understood his point. He was right. Any other professor or instructor would have said the same thing, so I couldn't fault him. He just didn't have to be such an ass about it. I followed after him licking my wounds. I needed to keep my head on straight because my focus was finishing the residency and starting my career--not Spencer Mitchel.

*

Parked in the front row where I would be less distracted, I still couldn't focus on class. After last week's episode, I hadn't been late once, but that hadn't gotten me a slot in surgery yet. I scribbled down everything Spencer said in my own special shorthand I'd developed. I also managed to scribble a few non-related things on a few pages of my notebook in an attempt to keep my eyes occupied when he told stories about surgeries he'd done that weren't directly related to things I needed to know for our tests.

He was the distraction. That was the problem. It wasn't the other interns moving around or chatting. It was Spencer himself. How on earth had he stayed in shape and not gained the customary fifteen pounds every other resident gained? He looked hotter now than he did ten years ago and all I could think about was how he bent me over that banister and used me like a rag doll sex toy. My body ached for days after that.

I bit my lip hard, not because I was feeling flirty. I did it to force myself to focus on the lecture as he talked about the surgery we would be viewing this afternoon. I just couldn't focus. He seemed to look at me quite a bit and every time he did my pulse raced a little. Why the hell it betrayed me, I didn't know, but I hated my body for getting aroused by him. He didn't deserve that, not after everything. He hadn't even had the decency to come to my mother's funeral. Curt said he had finals, but I was devastated. He could have at least come for Curt's sake.