Denial and Acceptance

This is the fourth part of the series. It's recommended you read the previous parts to familiarize yourself with the characters and story. Still no sex in this one, but it's coming, I promise!

Ake -

I don't know why I lied to Dan like that. Probably because I wasn't willing to face the truth.

I keep falling harder and harder for you, Dan. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep the friendship separate from the desires!

"Oh. Well, maybe another time?" he asked.

I shrugged, noncommittally. "Yeah, maybe?"

We hugged goodbye. I wanted to rub my face in his neck so I would carry his smell with me. But I restrained myself and left before he could say anything else.

I was a wreck when I found myself at Katie and Mila's house.

Mila opened the door with her baby on her hip, took one look at me and turned to shout over her shoulder.

"Get the vodka, Kay!" She then pulled me into a hug with one arm.

"C'mon, Ake, we'll get through this one, too."

She led me into the house where Katie was waiting with a glass of vodka with one ice cube. I downed the entire thing and handed the glass back to her. She took it with her left hand and, with her right, handed me another glass she'd already poured.

"Thanks." I took a sip and walked over to sit on the couch.

Mila sat in the chair next to the couch, shifting the baby to sit in her lap. Katie sat next to me on the couch.

"I'm not sure I can handle this one." I finally admitted.

"You've handled others." Katie said.

"I think Dan's different." I whispered.

"Oh, honey." Katie said before pulling me into a hug. I felt tears fall down my face as she rubbed my back.

I know I'd been in this exact situation a number of times. Sometimes for unrequited love, and sometimes for relationships that just went sour. The girls never complained, even after the time I spent four days straight on their couch.

"I don't know what to do." I said.

"Have you talked to him?" Mila asked.

"I don't think I can. What if he rejects me? What if he says he never wants to see me again?"

"Then you'll know." Mila said, gently.

"But what if he doesn't?" Katie asked.

"We all know he's straight."

"We don't

know

anything, Ake. He texts you, you get long great. He trusted you to drive his truck, which you say must have cost many tens of thousands of dollars."

"And he's straight." I said, adamantly.

Katie sighed. "Yes, he may very well be straight. But, unless you're willing to take a chance, you just won't know, will you? Again, what if he does say yes? What if you are passing on a chance to be happy? I mean, I don't want to get your hopes up because we don't

know

if Dan would want a relationship, but are you really willing to not take the chance at being happy?"

"There's also Bill."

"Ah yes, Bill. 'Dan-lite' as we've taken to calling him."

"He is not..."

"Ake, dear. Bill is pretty much the same height, age and size of Dan. The two could damn near be brothers."

"Well, that's not why we're dating."

"Ok, we'll pretend that's true. I will say, you talk a lot more about Dan than Bill."

"She's right." Mila agreed.

I was quiet for a long time. At some point Mila put the baby down to sleep and went to bed herself. She kissed my head before leaving the room, though I don't think I responded at all. Eventually Katie gave in as well. She gave me another hug, told me to stay if I wanted, and followed her wife to bed.

My head filled with every possible "what if" scenario. It wasn't until shortly after two in the morning that I realized I was only considering bad outcomes of me telling Dan I liked him.

What about a good, 'what if'?

I deliberately daydreamed about riding my bike into Dan's shop, only it was our shop. Walking into the house and kissing him as he worked on his laptop, promising me he was almost done.

I would tie an apron around my waist and start preparing dinner for the two of us. We would eat together, talk about our days, share a bottle of wine and clean up together before retiring to the couch. I'd snuggle into his side and rest my head on his shoulder. He'd kiss my head and give me a hug, just being content with each other's presence.

When we were both ready for bed, I'd go to the bathroom, then brush my teeth. Dan would arrive while I was brushing and begin brushing his own. Then he'd strip completely naked and crawl into bed. I'd strip my clothes off and push my thumbs under the waistband of my thong.

"No, leave that on." he'd say. I know he liked me in a thong because I'd caught him staring.

I'd crawl into bed, kiss him again before turning away and pulling his arms around me. He'd scoot closer until his body was pressed against mine from head to toe. He'd kiss my head again and I'm sigh in happiness.

After a few moments, I'd feel him move a bit, and then feel it. The undeniable presence of his cock getting hard against my ass. I'd press back against him, trying to encourage it to get harder, and him to...

I sat up and looked at the wall. Without really thinking, I finished the vodka I'd been holding for who knows how long. I then got up and, as quietly as I could, left the house, locking the door behind me.

I drove home on the quiet streets. I was still scared of how wrong it could all go, but I was resigned to ask him out. The question was how?

Dan

It seemed like every time Ake and I would start to get close, he'd leave. I thought for sure he was at least somewhat interested in me, but I just couldn't seem to get a grasp of the situation. It was clear he was seeing Bill, but he still seemed interested in me as well. At least until he wasn't.

To be honest, I didn't know how I felt about it all, either.

A couple sober teammates drove me and my truck home for me. I thanked them before walking into the house. An hour later, I was just sitting on the couch, staring at my phone. I pressed a couple buttons and held it up to my ear.

"Hello? Dan? Is everything ok?" A sleepy voice answered.

"Everything's fine, Micky."

"Not if you're calling me at 3 in the morning, it's not."

Shit.

"I'm sorry M. I need to get out of town. Any chance you're up for a visit from your big brother?"

"I'd love to see you as often as I can, you know that, D. Text me the details and I'll pick you up."

"I'll get a car, but I'll text you."

"Ok, I'm sleeping now. Love you."

"Love you too."

I booked tickets for a flight to South Carolina and emailed the VP of the company, lying to them and telling them a family emergency had come up. I just really needed to get things sorted out.

I took a shower to wash the game off, then crawled into bed. I didn't fly out until noon, so I'd pack in the morning. I set an alarm and quickly fell asleep.

Ake

For the third time since I'd walked from the car, I wiped my palms on my pants before knocking on Dan's door. I'd decided to visit around noon, assuming that would give him plenty of time to wake. I had no idea if he was home since I didn't know how he spent the days after his games.

After waiting a bit, I knocked again on his door.

Still no answer.

I pulled out my phone and checked his instagram, but he hadn't posted about going anywhere. I drafted a few different text messages to him, but ended up deleting them all. I really needed to talk to him, not try to sort all this out over text. But I had to start somewhere. I sent a text.

With nothing else to do, I went home.

Dan

"Honey, I'm home!"

I pushed open the front door of my sister's home just outside of Charleston proper. She'd lived here for some years, was recently divorced and had split custody of their only child, a precocious seven-year old named Emily.

"Uncle Dan!"

A giggling body slammed into mine and I felt her small arms wrap around my waist.

"Em! How you doing you little rugrat?"

"I'm not little anymore, Dan."

I laughed at the seriousness on her face. "No, I suppose you're not. C'mon, where's your mom?"

"She's in the kitchen. She said I had to stay out of her way while she made your favorite."

"That's why I love you!" I called out toward the kitchen.

I walked down the hall to the guest room and tossed my bag on the bed, holding Emily's hand the entire time. She was chatting away about how much she's grown since the last time I saw her, what she's studying in school and all the latest gossip about her friends.

"And I started playing soccer!"

"You did?"

She nodded and smiled at me. "Yeah, but not goalie. I like scoring goals too much."

I ruffled her wavy auburn hair, "I do too, I'm just too old to run that much anymore."

She kept a running dialogue as I made my way back to the kitchen.

"Hey sis!"

My sister, Mackenzie, used her wrist to brush a piece of hair out of her eyes. Her hands were covered with flour. She smiled and kissed my cheek as I pulled her into a firm hug. It must have lasted longer than normal because, when I finally let her go, she looked at my eyes as though looking for something.

"How've you been, Dan, and what's going on that prompted a trip to see your sister with almost no warning?"

"We'll talk later, for now, let's just catch up. I've missed you two!"

I was directed to chop vegetables for salad, so I stood at the counter and talked to the two girls. Well, Emily did most of the talking while Micky did her best to fill me in on how things have been going.

I told them about the project, and the soccer league, which caused me to mention Ake. I must have mentioned him more than once because my sister had stopped cooking and was just looking at me again.

"What?"

"Nothing. That's plenty for the salad. Beer's in the fridge, relax while I finish this last batch and put it all in the oven."

I loved my sister's fried chicken. I don't eat a lot of fried food, but I have always loved my sister's cooking. I hadn't managed to get the secret out of her. She claims it's because I'm not a good enough cook and I'd just fuck it up, but I think she holds it over me as a way to make sure I come visit, I think.

I watched my sister move around the kitchen as she washed her hands, did a quick clean up and put the fried chicken in the oven to finish cooking. She looked good, I decided. It was clear she had been taking care of herself, lately, and she seemed to have a bounce in her step she didn't have the last time I was here.

Of course, the last time I was in town, it was to move her out of her ex husband Richard's house and into this one, so that's probably understandable.

Later that evening, Emily demanded I tuck her in, and I was only too happy to oblige since it meant I could put off talking to my sister a little longer. I know I flew all the way here to talk to her, but now that I was here, I was feeling a little overwhelmed with anxiety.

I walked back toward the kitchen and I heard my sister call out from downstairs.

"Down here!"

I walked downstairs to see she was sitting on the couch, two glasses and an open bottle of bourbon already on the coffee table. No avoiding it now.

She let me sip my drink and figure out how to say what I needed to say. She was good at that, always had been. I guess everyone has their own way to communicate, and a long time ago my sister figured out how to wait until I was ready to talk.

"It started this summer with an injury I picked up playing soccer..."

I told her everything. I don't know how long I spoke, but I got through three glasses and had a decent buzz going when I finally finished.

"And now I don't know what to do. I have to finish this contract, but the last thing I want to do is sit around and keep stumbling from one dead end relationship after another."

"What are you talking about?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What relationships? You haven't mentioned anyone you've been dating."

"Oh, well, that's not really the point."

"Are you sure?"

I was quiet for a moment. "What do you mean, am I sure. Of course I'm sure?"

"Oh, Dan. Denial is not a river in Egypt."

"What?" I asked, suddenly angry. "What fucking denial? I just told you I'm fed up with work, I hate what I do, and I'm tired of being alone!"

"Then why are you sitting here yelling at me instead of talking to Ake?"

I knew it was coming, but I still didn't want to hear it. I sat back on the couch and rubbed my eyes.

"I'm not gay." I finally said.

"I am." She said.

It took me a moment to comprehend what she'd just said.

"Wait." I said, sitting forward and looking at her, "What do you mean, 'I am'?"

"I'm gay, Dan."

"But...you got married!"

"I got divorced too, did you forget that part? I seem to recall you being here for a pretty good portion of all that bullshit."

I couldn't seem to accept it for some reason.

"You said you divorced due to 'irreconcilable differences' though!"

"Keep your voice down!" She admonished me.

"Sorry." I said

"It was irreconcilable, I was gay, he was straight. There's no resolving that."

She took a drink and just looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I shook my head and put my drink down on a coaster on the table.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She swirled her drink around the glass while she looked at me some more.

"Look at yourself, Dan."

I looked down and saw just me. Good jeans, a clean shirt. I looked back at her with a question in my eyes.

Her own eyes rolled as she waved her hand dismissively. "Not your clothes, you idiot. Look at what you've been bitching about all night. You call me out of the blue, fly across the country in what I assume is some kind of life crisis since that seems to be all that will get us together anymore, then you sit on my couch and mention an injury. Then it's thirty minutes of, 'Ake likes to ride too' and 'Ake's so generous' and 'Ake's so great to be around' and 'I want to get in Ake's pants'..."

"I did not..."

She waved her hand again, "Alright, so you didn't come right out and say it, but goddammit Dan, THINK! That's effectively what you've been saying all night, but you can't admit it to yourself because you're too scared you might be the 'big gay'. THAT's why I didn't tell you."

"I wouldn't have cared." I finally said, "I love you Micky, nothing could change that."

She sighed, "I know, Dan. I just couldn't handle the idea of you looking at me differently. The idea that yeah, you'd probably keep loving me, but out of obligation because you're my brother."

I looked at her then and saw unshed tears in her eyes. I quickly moved over and pulled her into my arms.

"I'm sorry, Micky. I'm so sorry."

We both cried for awhile, just hugging each other. Finally she pushed me back and shook her glass, indicating I should top it off. I did so, picked up my glass and sat back on the couch. I didn't drink, just ran a finger around the rim.

"I don't know what to do." I finally admitted.

"Do you like him?" She asked.

I closed my eyes and thought about Ake. Finally, I nodded.

"Do you love him?" She asked more quietly.

I sighed. "I think so?"

"Then I'm not sure why you're sitting here talking to me instead of him."

I opened my mouth to respond and, once again, she waved her hand.

"Shut it, that was rhetorical. I know this is a difficult thing to come to grips with. I struggled with it for three years before I could accept that my infatuation with Emily's teacher was more than just appreciation for a pretty woman."

"Wait, are you and she...?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No, she's married. It was the attraction to her that made me start thinking, though. Was it just her? Was it because Emily loved her so much? Was it just because I was unhappy in my marriage?"

"But it wasn't" I said when she went quiet.

"No, it wasn't. She wasn't available, but when I started volunteering with the PTA, I...I met someone. I didn't cheat on Rich, but I'll admit I strongly considered it. After the divorce, we sort of dated for awhile."

"Sort of? So you're not together?"

She shook her head. "She was just curious. Some mid-life divorced woman reliving her teen years thing, I guess. Early on she swore she loved me, but as soon as a swinging dick showed interest, she moved on."

"I'm sorry Micky."

"I'm not. I think it was probably too soon to jump into a relationship with someone. I've talked to Emily about all of this, to an extent. She knows I'm gay, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

"How'd she take it?"

"How do you think? She's 7, Dan. She doesn't care, she just wants snacks, her favorite TV shows and for me to read to her at night. She does make an effort to announce when her friend's mothers are single, though."

She laughed at that, and I laughed with her. I was more at ease, but still worried about what this all could mean.

"Look, Dan. Don't worry about labels. Gay, straight, bi...none of that matters. I mean, maybe it's just Ake, you know? Maybe it's blonde Swedes who work in medicine. It's not a one or a zero, and to be honest, it's no one's business but your own...and Ake's I suppose."

I was quiet for a long time, and she let me be.

"It's a difficult thing to resolve, Dan. It'll probably take some time. I know it did for me. But, if he's worth it, you'll make an effort to resolve all this sooner than later. And if you're lucky, he feels the same. And if you're really fucking lucky, he may even be patient enough to wait until you're ready to face all this."

She put her glass down on a coaster, capped the bottle and stood. She walked around the couch, kissed my head and hugged me from behind.

"Stay as long as you like. You know we love having you, here. But I'm tired so I'm going to bed. I love you."

"Love you too." I mumbled.

I finished the drink in my hand, but didn't put the glass down. I just held onto it and thought. I thought about what it meant to love someone like Ake. What it would really mean for me and those around me. I thought about who it might matter to, and whether I cared about their opinion.

In the end, it just didn't matter. I loved Ake.

Of course, it wasn't as simple as just admitting it. Four and a half decades of living with one option regarding sex wasn't something you just push to the side when a new idea comes along. It was going to take some time to be comfortable with it. So I decided to stay in South Carolina for awhile.

I opened my laptop and fired off an email to the VP. I continued the lie about the family emergency saying my sister was fine, but that I was going to sick around to help her with Emily until she was back on her feet. I would most likely be back in a month or so.

He was clearly still working, or at least checking his email because I got a response within a few minutes. He told me they could handle me being remote since the project was in it's final testing phase, but asked I be back in time for the production release.

I replied and told him I could be back by then, meaning I would be in South Carolina for exactly four weeks, assuming there were no project breaking issues between now and then.

I turned on my phone so I could text Finn to tell her to put me on next season's roster since I would be back in time.

Good thing I'm not dating anyone. They'd have killed me if I'd left my phone off all day while they were trying to text or call.

Then my phone vibrated. It was a text from Ake.

A -- Are you around this week? Want to grab a coffee?

I checked the time stamp and saw he sent it an hour after I'd taken off. I thought about what to reply for a long time and decided to just go with the lie I'd already started with work.

D -- I'm actually in South Carolina. Sister got sick, so I came to help. Planning on staying here for awhile, but I'll be back on December 4

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