Chapter 1: Kay and Eddie
I've always thought it was kinda funny how prudish some people were. They're usually the folks that end up thinking about sex a lot more than your average person does, too. It seems to eat at them even worse if they're doing it against their will or their first mind, too. Maybe that was the problem with a whole group of people I used to know, their morality (or moral posturing to be more accurate) seemed to fuel their natural lust because they tried to stifle their natural desires due to religion.
There was a time when I felt like it was my fate to become a pastor. I had let my various vices start to run my life and instead of doing the normal thing and chilling the fuck out, or even the 'rock star' thing and embracing it to total self destruction, I decided I needed to rehabilitate myself, and religion became my new drug. Now, even though I left the drugs and booze behind, I ironically fell into the most spiritually corrupt church in the Bible belt and came face to face with more sex than I ever knew or even had, for that matter, when I was 'in the world.' Needless to say, my new spiritual experience didn't last in the face of such carnal parading, and that brings me here, telling my (and their) story. So, where to start?
There was a girl I knew there named Kay. She was a beautiful brunette with green eyes and the fullest, pinkest lips I'd ever seen. They covered possibly the whitest teeth in the world, and when she was smiling, the sun stood still and took notice. She could light up a room. She was as sweet as could be, a perfect lady, and acted like a young woman who had been raised by your ideal, humble, God-fearing family. That's probably because she was.
Kay had a reputation in the church of being the type of girl that would do anything for anyone, and its almost heart-wrenching to me now how ironically true that double-entendre is in hindsight. I first got to know Kay after a broken engagement to a friend of mine. She seemed a little smug while they were together, and her new-found joy had lifted her spirits to the point that one couldn't help but be drawn to her. I got close enough to fall in love.
After about 6 months of near-daily phone conversations and hanging out in the parking lot after Bible studies she confided to me that the reason they split was because of impurity. I don't think she realized it, but I was getting hard as hell as she explained to me that they had decided not to get married after they had sinned and allowed lust to move into the God-honoring relationship they were trying to build. I was so torn, because here was a woman who I could feel myself falling for, telling me about a previous relationship with a guy I had quickly become friends with.
"He was my first real boyfriend. The first guy I really loved. One night he came over to watch movies while my parents were out on their date night. He put in the movie, and it was rated R! All the cussing and stuff was really bothering me, and I asked him if we could take it out and maybe just play a board game or something.
Well, we did, and at some point that night he kissed me. It wasn't like he would normally do. This was like, softer, or something. It was kinda scary, I could tell he was wanting something more, ya know?"
"Yeah, I understand what you're saying." I said, in a catch-22. My eye-contact was diverting her attention from what was becoming a steadily more noticeable bulge in my pants, but it was also perpetrating a feeling of connection that I definitely felt and that, as I later learned, she would use to her advantage.
"Well, I tried to pull away, because we'd decided it wasn't really safe for us to make out before we got married. We didn't want to allow any room for temptation. He put his hand on my thigh and scooted closer to me. I don't know why, but I just couldn't let myself stop. His hand moved further and further up, and next thing I know, it was up the leg of my shorts, with me laying on top of him. He was all rubbing my butt and stuff. I knew it was too far, and I wish I would have stopped. I just couldn't let myself."
My mind was awash with simultaneous thoughts at this point. I was picturing myself in his place, wondering how a girl this beautiful made it to 23 before losing her virginity, wondering if he was really able to make love to this girl in a way deserving of her, and also wondering why the hell she was telling me all of this. I guess she doesn't feel any of the shit I feel when we're talking or hanging out. This was starting to suck, but I found myself oddly more aroused listening to her.
"We were both getting way too far into it at this point. We were really excited and at a point where we were just, like, on auto-pilot or something. I could tell he was getting really excited, I could feel him on my leg, and I was really, really turned on, too. I was so inexperienced and curious I guess, I don't know. I asked if I could see it, and said that I was just curious what he looked like. God, I know that was stupid, I feel so stupid now..."
I kinda felt bad at this point, but I was praying she would continue and not be so guilt-stricken that the story would end here with a repentant sob-fest for the disappointment her God, daddy, and unknown future husband must all feel in her. Lucky for me, that wasn't her style.
"You probably think I'm a whore or something, don't you? I don't know why I'm telling you all of this..."
"No, not at all. We're all human, Kay. I don't think that of you. I've been in situations myself where I've confused lust for love, maybe it's just as easy to confuse love for lust. You guys just allowed your flesh to get to strong in the situation. I don't think bad of you. Who knows, maybe it's good to talk about stuff and let it out?"
"Thank you, so much. You're sweet. I appreciate your listening, a lot of people here would just judge me. It doesn't help my dad's on staff here, either. Like they expect more of me..."
"Well, truth be told it could happen to any of them, too. Guilt isn't productive, learn from your mistakes, and be a better person from them." Yeah, I was laying the platitudes on thick. Hey, what do you expect, I found a hot little inexperienced chick who obviously was willing to put out once. I hadn't fucked in a good year, never by a girl of her caliber, and I was willing to bet that if Eddie was able to get in her pants, I definitely could. I guess I wasn't immune from the frustration that accompanies sexual repression through religious means either. Maybe I was just spiritually weak still, I told myself; shocked at my lustful scheming.
