Dear Diary

DUKE – August 1985

I am so confused. Happy. Terrified. Feeling foolish. Feeling downright idiotic. Why did I do it? Probably because everybody else seems to have been doing it for a while now. I was the only one in our group who was still a virgin. Sometimes I felt like they were snickering at me. They teased me constantly, saying things like what will I do if I never find the Mr. Right? Would I stay a virgin forever?

And so, I did it. Only, now I wish I hadn’t.

Duke is my dad’s friend. Well, at least a very good and dear acquaintance of his. I never really noticed Duke until my dad pointed him out to me.

One day when we were eating lunch, he looked out the window and pointed to a skinny guy who was rushing past the house. “You see this guy?” he asked. I was in a bad mood from a scolding that I had just received and was still sulking. “Yeah? What about him?”

Dad didn’t notice my attitude, but proudly continued: “That’s Duke.’ Seeing my blank expression he elaborated. “You know? The champion?”

“The champion of what? Apelike walk?” I found my comment extremely funny and giggled. My dad, on the other hand, was not amused.

“I don’t understand why you always have to be so sarcastic, Nikkie!” I achieved the desired effect. I pissed him off. “This is exactly the kind of attitude that will get you in a heap of trouble later on in life. He is the kind of person you should be looking up to!”

“Yeah?” I asked, trying hard to annoy him even more. “I’d rather look up to George!” I knew my dad hated any kind of mention of my step dad. He detested the fact that all three of his daughters found George to be a great guy. He was kind and generous, intelligent, funny and easy to talk to. I told George more about my life than I could ever imagine telling my dad, or even my mom.

We dropped the subject and I forgot all about it.

A few days later, I was hanging out at Mr. Dickie’s, the newest and hippest local café with an outside patio, sipping on coffee and sharing gossip with Danielle and Janie. Inevitably, the conversation turned to speculations on who was shagging who and who was going steady and all the rest of the topics, so irresistible to an eighteen-year old mind with nothing better to do.

It was the last of the summers that we would have together. High school was over, Janie, Danielle and the rest of the girls were going to college. I, on the other hand, have twisted my mom’s arm about being able to travel for a year before devoting time to serious studies. After months of heavy badgering from me, in a moment of weakness and with gentle persuasion from George she consented.

All of a sudden, Janie leaned back in her chair, waving at someone behind my back. “Hey, Duke!” she exclaimed and her face lit up with the nicest of smiles.

I turned around and there was Duke, the guy my dad was pointing out to me just a few days ago. He walked towards our table and Janie made the introductions. His handshake was warm and firm, revealing the strength of his body, which was evident from his well-developed arms and chest, and despite the loose t-shirt visible to an observer. He held my hand in his for a few moments longer than one normally would have and when I looked into his eyes I found him unwaveringly returning my gaze, embarrassing me. He must be over thirty, ancient really.

“You’re Stan’s daughter, aren’t you?” he asked and I was stunned to realize that he had noticed me at all, let alone knew who my dad was.

“Yeah,” I said shyly and smiled, pulling my hand out of his.

He stood around for a few minutes longer, chatting with Janie and then said that he had to go. As he was leaving, he looked at me and again, held my gaze long enough to make me blush.

When he finally wobbled off, Janie and Danielle burst into giggles. “Did you see that?” Janie nudged me.

“See what?” I asked, honestly oblivious to what she was hinting at.

“Did you see how he was looking at you, Nikkie?” joined in Danielle.

“Oh, please!” I said embarrassed, but delighted. “Did you see the way he walks? Like a chimpanzee!” I couldn’t help myself; his walk was just that odd.

“He just became a champion, you know.” Janie leaned closer. “He’s a parachuter, just came back from Germany. He won! He was in the papers and everything. Plus, he’s kind of cute!”

“Oh,” I nodded. Now I knew what my dad was referring to. Parachuter, big deal.

“He’s dating Bernadette.” Said Danielle and sighed deeply when she saw the blank expression on my face. “Oh, Nik, really! The actress!”

I rolled my eyes. “She’s a secretary, you bimbo. Impersonating a peasant woman in a local theatre play doesn’t make her an actress.”

Janie and Danielle both laughed out loud. “She’s on a crash diet now, you know.” Revealed Janie.

This conversation was getting more and more absurd. “No,” added Danielle, “Seriously, she is losing weight, I saw her a couple of days ago. It must be true.”

I shook my head, this was not very interesting.

“He looks funny to me.” I pointed out. “He walks funny, his nose is huge…”

“Yeah, but did you see those eyes?” asked Janie and I had to admit, even if just to myself, that yes, I did notice those beautiful electric blue eyes.

“I can’t see why you two are drooling over him.” I said. “I thought you and Colin were an item now.” I nodded at Janie

“Yeah, well,” shrugged my best friend. “Doesn’t mean I can’t look, does it?”

We giggled again and the Duke topic was forgotten.

A few days later the summer was almost over and I had one class left, having flunked it, as I was too lazy to apply myself during the year. The blasted math had been giving me a headache throughout the entire high school. I had to stop at my dad’s apartment every day after summer classes and do my homework there. A punishment for a moment of weakness when I smoked in his place, forgetting that my dad, very much against the bad habit, would smell cigarettes on me within a mile. There was a long discussion between him and my mother, besides cigarettes, they seemed to have concerns about drinking and drugs, too, which to be quite honest was ludicrous. In the small town where I grew up, one cannot sneeze without everybody knowing, let alone drink and do drugs. That’s why I smoked in my dad’s place, not out in the street.

On this particular day, I had just finished the grueling task of completing the calculations, which even after two months of vigorous studying seemed as complicated to me as they were on the day I flunked the class. My dad’s apartment was hot and stuffy and I had taken a shower just before leaving for home, which I shared with my mom, step dad George and my two sisters.

As I stepped out into the street, I blinded myself by wrapping a string of hair over my face and under my nose in order to take another whiff of shampoo that I had just used in the shower, inhaling its sweet, fruity smell. To my horror, I bumped into somebody, almost falling over like a fool.

A strong pair of hands grabbed my forearms and made me yelp in surprise. I brushed the hair out of my eyes and with great embarrassment noticed that the hands belonged to Duke.

“Hey there, missy!” he laughed and steadied me, holding onto me even after it was evident that the immediate danger of stumbling about had passed.

“Oh,” I gasped. “Hi, Duke.” I giggled and saw his beautiful eyes smiling at me. “I’m... ah…I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“So I see.” He added and I couldn’t quite tell if he was mocking me or if his look of interest was genuine.

“Ah…” I felt silly. “Congratulations on your championship.”

He nodded and smiled. We stood there for a few moments longer, awkward silence making the situation almost unbearable.

“Well, I have…” I said and at the same time he opened his mouth, too: “I heard…

We laughed. I waved my hand for him to continue.

“I heard you’re about to go take a break from school?” I nodded.

“Yeah, I’m going to travel for a year.” I said proudly. “Well, at least I hope I can manage to do it for that long. You know, the money and stuff.”

He nodded seriously. Again the silence in which I wondered why I was standing here making myself feel uncomfortable ruled.

“I got to go now,” I finally said and bid my goodbyes.

I walked towards my home and he went the other way, towards the office building where he worked as an import-export rep, which was carefully explained to me by Janie a day or two before. As I reached the corner I turned around and noticed that despite continuing to walk forward, Duke was looking back as well, staring straight at me. He waved his hand and I cursed myself for being so indiscrete.

As I was leaving my dad’s apartment the following day, I ran into Duke again, this time not in a literal sense. A sneaking suspicion crept inside my heart and for a moment I believed that this time meeting Duke was not accidental. Somehow, I felt that this was planned, on Duke’s part.

“Nikkie!” he exclaimed, startling me out of my thoughts. “Just the person I wanted to talk to.” I smiled in amazement. Duke’s attention was most welcome.

“Your dad told me that you’re planning to go to London first.” He said and I rolled my eyes. “Oh, come on, Nik.” He said, softly nudging his hand against my shoulder. “Your dad is not too happy with this taking-a-year-off business of yours. He’s worried sick, you know.”

“I know.” I said and almost added how pleased I was to be told that and have my suspicions confirmed.

“Well,” continued Duke undeterred. “Why don’t you come to my office and I can give you a couple of addresses of people that I know in London, friends of mine from college who moved there years ago?”

I was reluctant.

“I can also give you the names of the agencies in London, which deal in cheap flights and accommodations throughout Europe. It might come in handy, you know.”

I nodded and felt foolish. Of course he would just try to be kind.

“Why don’t you come to my office tomorrow? I’ll have the stuff ready for you.”

Now, I might be naïve, but I’m not stupid. I saw the way he looked at me. I didn’t really care, though. I was going to stay in this god-forsaken town for another two weeks and then I’ll be gone. Should anything happen, it would have been forgotten by the time I came back, if I ever did, and I most certainly don’t play on ever coming back.

“Okay,” I nodded slowly. “I’ll come by, sure.”

“Why don’t you drop by in the evening, after you leave here?” Again, I agreed.

“Good!” He smiled and stepped closer to me, completely invading my private space and making me draw a deep breath, trying desperately not to show my discomfort. For a moment I was afraid he was going to kiss me.

“Your hair smells really nice.” He whispered. With that he turned around and was gone before I could say anything.

The rest of the day I felt like a shadow of myself. My mind raced with the speed of light, unable to concentrate on anything I saw or heard. All I could think about was meeting Duke the following day.

I took a long bath that evening, shaving my legs and armpits, and considering if I should shave anything more than that. In the end, I decided that taking care of my bikini line would have to do. I was pretty certain Duke hasn’t invited me out of kindness alone, he had alternative motives and I didn’t mind. But, should anything happen between us, he will certainly realize that I was a virgin and a shaved pussy would not come across as very modest. I used my mother’s most expensive lotions, which she kept in the back of the bathroom cabinet, always admonishing us girls not to waste them. I hardly considered this a waste.

Duke’s whisper, telling me that my hair smelt nice kept ringing in my head, driving me half mad, my body responding to the pure thought of what was probably going to happen.

Just as I was about to pull on my pajama bottoms, I paused for a moment and looked at myself in the mirror. My hand cupped my breast and squeezed it lightly; I pinched my own nipple softly and closed my eyes. I hoped to god that tomorrow would be everything I expected it to be. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time and if I was to give my virginity to Duke, I wanted it to be special.

Special? Who was I kidding? How could sleeping with a complete stranger be special, particularly if I was to give myself to him in more ways than one? Somehow, I was aware that this was an act of desperation and that fact alone would probably not make it pleasurable. I had no boyfriend or any prospects of sleeping with a man in sight. Doing it with Duke would be very safe. He was in a serious relationship and if I didn’t want anybody to know of what had happened, I was certain it could be kept a secret.

My hand left the breast, sliding down my belly and between my legs where I found the bud of my womanhood and within minutes made myself shudder with pleasure. I was about to do something I knew I shouldn’t have, but also knew I absolutely would. I had made up my mind to go through with it and that was that.

The following day was unseasonably cold and drab; light drizzle cleaning the streets of a dirty, industrial town where I had grown up. My dad was at home when I came over to do homework and it took all my strength to be able to sit still for a couple of hours and pretend like I was studying.

I kept peering at the clock on the wall and a few times wondered if the battery inside was old, making the time go slower than usual. At five o’clock sharp I closed my books and got up.

“I’ve got to go, dad.” I said and my father simply nodded, not lifting his gaze from the newspaper. I left the apartment acutely aware that when I return the following day, I would be a changed person. Nothing would ever be the same again.

I stepped out of the building and looked around as if inspecting who was about. I have not told Janie or Danielle or any of the girls about Duke. I was too reluctant in a way, one word from them might change my mind, and I really didn’t want that to happen.

I headed towards Duke’s office, which was in the opposite direction from my home. I walked with a determined step, clutching onto my math books, inside of me a volcano of fear and excitement. I had a feeling that people who were passing by could almost certainly hear my heartbeat. It was so strong that I could feel its steady rhythm in my neck.

I paused in front of the office building for a moment, aware that once I enter the front door, this will be it, no turning back. Just as I reached for the door, it opened and Duke stood there, smiling at me.

“Hey!” he said and my heart sped up, making my ears ring.

“Hello.” I replied and accepted the invitation to enter. We walked down the hall, passed a few offices with the doors wide open and to my relief they were all empty.

“Nobody here?” I asked innocently.

“No.” Duke replied. “Everybody is gone for the day.” He reached for my hand, leading me towards the end of the hall.

I felt his strength and hoped that my hand did not shake too much. When we got to the very last office he pointed to the door and stepped aside to let me go in first. As soon as we entered and the door was safely closed behind us, he grabbed me by the forearm and pulled me towards him. I half leaned, half stumbled against him, pressing all my weight against his body.

He ran his fingers through my hair and said: “Your hair always smells so nice, Nik.”

That statement alone gave me the courage to take the initiative and I raised my face towards his, softly pressing my lips against his. He pounced on me like a cat; leaning me against the door that we had just walked through, pressing his body against mine, running his hands through my hair, and kissing me so passionately I could hardly draw breath. I was well aware that I was still clutching the books against my body. I was so nervous, I was afraid my legs might give way.

With his lips completely enveloping mine and his tongue deep inside my mouth, exploring and brushing against my teeth, his eyes closed, he had enough presence of mind to reach for my books and take them out of my hands. My eyes, on the other hand were wide open, I saw his blind attempt of putting the books on an antique mantel piece that stood behind the door, and having missed it, the books heavily slammed on the floor, startling us. He broke the kiss and smiled.

“Sorry about that.” He said and I shrugged.

Duke picked up the books and carefully placed them on the stand and taking my hand, he led me towards the couch in the middle of the office. I took a moment to look around. The place looked more like a living room than an office. Heavy, old furniture was stuffing the fairly big room, huge plants boasting their greenery in the corners, paintings of seaside landscapes and boats covering the walls.

I half expected to see an article from the newspaper with Duke’s picture somewhere on the wall, but he obviously did not want to ruin the feel of a cozy place with his own vanity. I also noticed that the shutters on the huge windows were all closed, darkening the room.

Duke made me sit on the couch and with his hands pushed my legs apart, kneeling in front of me. He leaned forward and took my face in his hands, kissing me on the mouth, on the cheeks, placing a soft peck on each eye, his tongue finding its way inside my mouth.

Of course I was kissed by other guys before, but never this passionately. As afraid as I was of what was evidently about to come, I could feel my body respond. My stomach knotted into a tight ball, and I could feel a tingle between my legs.

Duke was moaning softly, one of his hands now leaving my face and working its way down my denim shirt buttons, undoing each one impatiently and with a surprising skill.

“Wait, wait…” I panicked and he stopped, sitting back onto his heels, the other hand joining the effort of freeing me of my shirt.

“What?” he gasped, giving me a wicked smile, sexy and dangerous at the same time.

“I’ve never…you know…” I said, knowing embarrassment was more then evident. “Well, I’ve never done this before.” I finished.

Duke paused for a moment, puzzled.

I looked around, not knowing what else to add. The dreaded feeling that he had just completely lost his interest washed over me.

“You mean, you never slept with a guy?” He cocked his head questioningly.

“No, never.” I cocked mine in response.

“Oh.” He said and I thought I saw a momentary disappointment on his face. I felt trapped in my own stupidity. I put myself in this position and didn’t know how to get out of it.

“Well,” he smiled and his whole face lit up with mischief. “We don’t really have to fuck, do we?”

I winced over his crudeness, nevertheless finding myself returning his smile. Having completed the task of unbuttoning my shirt, he leaned over me again and whispered in my ear. “But I do want to see what you’re hiding in here.” He said and I could feel a wave of tingles traveling from my ear straight down my body and between my legs.

His hand reached under my shirt and found its way under my bra, cupping my breast and pinching my nipple, in the exact same way as I had done the night before. I couldn’t help but moan and this seemed to please him.

Duke kissed me on my neck, causing me to shudder with pleasure. He kissed his way down my chest, pushing the shirt over my shoulders and pulling my bra over my breasts, exposing them to a man’s eyes for the first time since I was a little girl, running around the pool naked with my sisters, oblivious to the shame that would so soon become a burden of modesty to a young woman.

He kissed my nipple, gently biting it and making me yelp in surprise.

“You seem to be ready for it.” He whispered and continued to suckle on my breast as if he was a little babe. I closed my eyes and ran my hands through his mop of brown, unruly hair. I seemed to like him more with every moment.