I knew enough to realize I'd used my memories of Peter and I to shield myself from the horrible truth. I had the day to myself, accompanied only by the listlessness of a kind of depression seeping in over me, and I saw the day speeding away. I wanted comfort so badly.
I wanted to buy a big packet of chocolate and go and see a film. Get away from everything.
But, I had a great deal of self control these days. I'm not the bumbling little "package of automated response" Peter first got to know. I had learned about myself in the years I spent with Peter, and I had developed my intuition.
A lot of that switched off while we had the children. Now I saw the mistake. Peter and I had no way of associating the kind of people we are, with raising a family and rather than finding a way to make it work, we tried to change ourselves into the kind of people who can raise a family. At least the kind we thought ought to raise a family.
I saw, with the starkest of all realities, it didn't work. I had no idea why Peter considered cheating on me, but this betrayal went deep. It spat on all my efforts to close off the erotic woman. He'd asked me to shut down the potent side of myself for the sake of the children. I suspected also because he couldn't handle that side of me while we had the kids. When I do shut her down, he took stimulus elsewhere.
This is the biggest betrayal.
And it filled me with rage. A rage wanting revenge.
I know I need my inner potent woman again. Besides my fear she may be dead all together, I needed her for myself. I so badly want to sink into depression, it's going to take everything I have in me to avoid that indulgence. I ached for the stronger part of me to emerge and protect me.
And Peter? I no longer cared he might be concerned about that part of me. He had betrayed what we'd built and I no longer trusted his advice on how to manage the situation.
Instead, I wanted him to have the experience of betrayal. I wanted him to know what it's like to lose a thing he loved.
However, he appeared unmoved by the threat of the loss of me β he already risked everything. I knew he be keeping the affair from me so he did not lose his wife and kids, but risking it all didn't bother him. So he playing with fire and his subconscious took him to places he wouldn't normally go.