Crucifix: Longing

Dear Reader. Finally...Chapter 5...and it only took me 6 weeks to write it! The pressures of 'daily life' have a nasty way of keeping one away from things like writing! I hope you enjoy. Please let me know. (Oh, and for those of you who read Chapter 4 and came across a very odd paragraph...you're not crazy...it wasn't supposed to be there! I thought I'd deleted it; but, alas, I didn't it. And for that crazy error...please accept my humble apology!)

Chapter 5. Physical therapy for the mind as well as the body.

William had to get out of the Grayson Center, and soon. Soon, as in...if he didn't leave as quickly as possible he thought he would scream. And when he was done with his last patient, Tiffany Little, a woman who's moniker didn't fit her physical stature, he was out the door as quickly as he could get his car keys out of his desk.

He drove to the park and donned his 'running leg' and then William ran. It felt so good to run, even if it was ten times slower than he ever ran before the accident. True, he moved with and odd gait due to the hydraulic, man-made joint at his knee but didn't care. He was running and that's all that mattered.

And dear God, did he ever need to run. The memory of touching Erin, of feeling her let herself go in response to his gentle torture had made him almost wish he'd not done it. The thought of her was driving him crazy. In his mind's eye he envisioned getting lost in that beautiful body of hers. The mental picture alone made him want to pull out her file, get her address and go to her. But he knew he couldn't do that. No. {You're fucking crazy, Fitzpatrick. You gotta stop thinking about her.}

He ran faster and tried to come to grips with his emotions. He was getting married in a month. The marathon was coming up in three weeks. And then there was Erin. William tried with all his might to will himself to stop thinking of how soft Erin felt. And how blissful she looked as he touched her. And how much he had wanted to climb on top of her and make her his own.

No...those were all things he had to stop thinking of. After all, William wasn't stupid. He couldn't jeopardize his future with Vicki over some crush. And that was all that it was, right?

William's side started to hurt as he ran. Pain. Somehow he thrived on the awful burning at his side. It reminded him that he was alive. {Jesus Christ that fucking hurts.} His head was screaming at him to slow down, but he knew he had to keep going. {Run through it, William. Run it out.} Eventually the pain would melt. Eventually.

{Shit! That fucking hurts.} His whole left side felt like it was cramping. But, he persevered. By the time the pain finally faded away William was so tired he wanted to fall down on the ground and catch his breath.

Then...the "high" kicked in. That awesome warm rush runners feel when they cross over the invisible threshold between pain and personal triumph. It felt so good. As he felt the endorphins course through his body giving him that natural high, a broad smile crossed William's face.

Slowly the sensation faded leaving William riding on the edge of all the emotions he'd been feeling for the past few days. Was it the wedding? Was he getting the proverbial 'cold feet'? Or was it just Vicki? She'd been acting so peculiar this past week. Then, well, there was always the Erin issue.

Somehow, it always came back to her. {Christ, Fitzpatrick, you've got to talk to her and tell her... Fuck, what are you going to tell her? Huh? Gonna say, 'hey, sorry for finger fucking you the other day. You think we could just forget it happened?} He stopped running, leaned forward and stared at his feet. William could feel the sweat dripping down his face and watched it slowly roll down and off his nose. {Damn it. What have you done?} He stood upright and stared at the path ahead of him. {Shit!}

William, his hands on his hips and breathing like he always did after a good run, made his way back to his Jeep. Along the path, he noticed a little boy staring at his leg and grinned. The one thing that he'd been so paranoid about as a teenager, people staring at him...or rather his leg, was now something he was used to. He waved and said, "Pretty cool huh?"

The boy smiled and nodded, "Can you really run with that thing?"

"Yes, I can." With that he dashed away from the boy, still grinning. {God, William, you're such a fucking show off}.

He climbed into his Jeep and set off toward home. As he drove, he thought of Vicki. She was a beautiful woman and he loved her. There was no doubt about that. But the feelings he had for Erin confused him. William dwelled on the whole 'thing' as he made his way home. He stared down at this hand and recalled the glistening wetness that had covered his fingers just a few hours earlier.

William remembered how effortlessly his broad fingers had slipped into Erin and the look of sheer wanton desire on her face as he dipped deeper and deeper into her. He could still see the soft open 'O' her mouth made as he brought her to the edge.

And then he recalled how badly he wanted to kiss her. To simply feel her lips against his. {Holy shit, you're fucking crazy Fitzpatrick} But crazy or not, he also thought about how seriously he'd wanted to put his fingers to his lips to get a taste of Erin. But no...he'd denied himself. And now he regretted it. {Damn.}

He pulled into the garage and sat in his Jeep, thinking. Vicki opened the door and called out to him, "Hey, baby. Good run?"

William looked up and saw Vicki carrying a bottle of wine and wearing very tight t-shirt that rode high on her flat belly and a very tiny pink thong. He looked at her and suddenly remembered one of the reasons why he'd fallen in love with Vicki. She was so comfortable with her body. It made him want to take her right there in the garage. In fact, the thought of her back resting on the cool smooth cement made him so hot, he felt his face grow flush.

He didn't even care if crabby old Mr. Springs got a peek at them. Hell, it would probably do the sour puss some good. {Damn. She looks so good.} William watched as she sauntered over towards him. As she stepped closer he could easily make out the luscious pink that were her areolas and, what was even better, he could have sworn he saw her nipples hardening as she got closer. {She wants it. Yes. Yes.} William knew in that brief instant that all the tension, all the frustration he'd been dealing with for nearly four hours now, would soon have an outlet.

Vicki smiled at seeing him becoming so obviously flustered. But she had no idea just how very much he needed her. Not wanted. No. Needed. He needed to feel his shaft plunge deep inside her. Needed to feel her muscles contract around his cock. Needed to taste her lips on his and smell the fragrant conditioner she used on her thick hair.

And even though she had no idea how badly he really wanted her to give herself to him, Vicki knew he wanted her. Yes, she knew that look. She'd seen it plenty of times before, although, maybe this evening it looked a bit more intense. And that meant she'd feel very good, very soon.

What was unknown to William was that he was, for her, exactly what she needed. And for Vicki, just as with William, 'needed' was the right term. Her mind and heart were tied in a knot so large and complicated she wasn't sure she'd be able to ever untie it. But she knew that with William's touch, his lips and his strong hands she'd be able to let go of some of the confusion she, herself, was trying to deal with.

Yes, she loved William, with all her heart and soul. On that point, there was no confusion in Vicki's mind. But she couldn't deny that there was something missing. She thought that maybe should could 'find' it...whatever it was...in Trey's arms, or rather, his bed. But no. And now...now she felt like she was trapped. Trapped between the man she thought she knew she wanted and the man who was willing to give her things she thought she needed.

There she was, caught between a love for William which she couldn't deny and an attraction for Trey which she wished she could forget. Yes, Trey was something, or rather someone, who offered her a chance at fun with no strings attached and those invisible 'strings' seemed to be choking the life out of her.

But right then and there...as she stood in front of William and put the glass of wine to her lips, Vicki only wanted the man she loved...not the man she'd recently come to enjoy. She took a small sip of the wine and kissed William.

He carefully parted his lips and tasted the sweet Chianti rush through his mouth as Vicki's tongue, heavy with the intense red flavor, wrestled with his. {Damn, she tastes so good.} William wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. He could feel her nipples pressing into his chest and it made him desperate to feel one on his tongue.

William pulled away from Vicki and took the glass and bottle from her hands which he carefully set on the cement garage floor. He slid his hands up her shirt and ran his thumbs over her nipples. The feeling against the sensitive portion of his thumbs made him weak in his knees. "Christ, baby, you are too good." He pulled the top up and over Vicki's head and looked down at her beautiful, perfect chest.

He wasn't sure what he wanted to do more: suck on those beautiful nipples or just push her up against the wall and fuck her until she screamed for him to stop. His needy cock begged for him to take her. {Do it William. She wants you to. Go on do it.} But his rational mind pleaded with him to stop. {Wait William. Resolve one issue at a time. Don't let sex cloud your judgment.} Lucky for him his cock won the argument.

William took Vicki's hand and went inside the kitchen. She'd barely pulled the door closed behind them before he was kissing her all over. Her neck, ears, breasts. He wanted her so badly he ached. He felt her hands on his shorts tugging at them.

Vicki needed to feel him. To let her fingers touch him...and not to compare him to Trey or anything as crass as that; but rather, to remind her that he was the one she really wanted. Remind her of what she believed to be true, that William was the only one who could really satisfy her. As she pulled his running shorts down and took hold of him she was a bit shocked at how hard he was for her.

She felt a bit light headed. Maybe it was the Chianti or maybe it was just the intensity of her desire but she thought for sure that she was floating. And when William pushed her up against the side of the refrigerator, the sound of falling magnets and the feel of the cold metal against her hot skin made her gasp.

William felt the tiny magnets fall at his feet but he didn't care. And when Vicki wrapped her legs around him all he wanted to do was fall into her. He knew that with all that had gone on today, what he'd felt with Erin and what he was feeling right then with Vicki he probably wouldn't be able to hold out for long. And he didn't want to. He just wanted in her. William simply wanted to return to that place that was his. That one place where he felt safe and totally sure of what he was doing and how he felt.

He slipped into her and watched as Vicki's eyes closed in rapture. And then something happened. When William looked at her, her eyes closed, her mouth slightly opened he remembered something. And it was barely a wisp of a memory.

It was the image of Erin, with her eyes closed and her body reacting to his touch, that danced across his mind. {No, no. Not now, William.} He closed his own eyes and tried to force the hint of a memory to go away. But he couldn't.

As he moved in Vicki, his bride-to-be, he couldn't shake away the one thing he was trying to escape, that intense attraction for a woman he barely knew. And he couldn't believe how good the mental torment he was undergoing made him feel. He could hear Vicki's moaning and felt her muscles contracting around him, but with his eyes closed he could see the soft, lonely, sad face of Erin Durant and it made him want to cry...because it felt too good.

He wanted to open his eyes, he really did. But something inside him told him to keep them shut. Told him to hold on to the image of the woman he really wanted to be inside of at that moment. He felt so ashamed of himself but the satisfaction outweighed his guilt. The release he'd been praying to happen for the past few hours was so close. He didn't want to ruin it with feelings of guilt so he did what all guilty people do...he refused to acknowledge it any further. It was building and he didn't want it to stop.

Vicki's inner demons toyed with her. William, no doubt, was the man she loved and by God, was he ever a good lover. She held her breath as could feel the massive refrigerator shake with each powerful stroke William set in to her. He really was amazing. And to think of all the things he'd overcome to become the man he was right now. The man who loved her unconditionally. The man who she prayed would never find out what she'd done. The man she was going to marry whether she wanted to or not. {Shit. What are you doing Vicki? You've got to tell him. No. No, you can't do that. It'd kill him. No. Tell Trey it's over. That's it. It's over. Tell him thanks, but you can't do it any more. That's it, tell him that. Tell Trey tomorrow.}

She wanted to listen to her heart. But other parts of her body were in control and their voices were much louder than her conscience. Vicki fought to keep her sanity in check and her mouth shut. She was terrified that she'd call out Trey's name. And that fear only added to the thrill of it all. Her hips started to rock into William's. She knew she was close and it was magnificent.

Vicki felt her toes and finger tips start to tingle first. That's how it always started. And then like a bolt of lightning, she felt the powerfully overwhelming sensation that made her cry out, YES! And then, as though her body had become possessed by some unseen succubae, she felt herself come with such force that she thought for sure William would fall over in the wake of it all.

But he didn't. William had wrapped his arm around her waist and pushed Vicki down onto him with such force he halfway worried that he'd hurt her when she screamed. But he'd heard that scream before. That was a scream of rapture and it was like music to his ears. The image of Erin faded...but so, too, did any thought of Vicki. Amazing.

For in that brief instant, all conscious thought flies away from a person and is superceded by a pure, unadulterated need for carnal fulfillment. And in that moment...that long blissful moment, William didn't have to think of anyone or anything. He simply let himself forget who he was and why he'd been so rapt in contemplation. Yes, pure bliss. And when he came, he heard Vicki cry out again and again, "Yes, William, yes. God, yes."

And, as the intense feeling of gratification waned between the two of them, William felt a rush of cold air. One quick look and he saw the culprit...he and Vicki had been so 'into' the moment, that the door to the freezer had opened and frosty air spilled from the opening. He looked at Vicki, smiled and slammed the door shut. "Good thing we didn't go much longer. All your fudge ripple ice cream might have melted."

Vicki laughed and rested her head on his shoulder. "Can't have that. No, no! Not my fudge ripple!" She felt the skin on her back pull away from the refrigerator and then felt William pull away from her. A powerful chill rattled Vicki's body as her feet came set upon the cool, oak hardwood floor.

William kissed the top of her head, grinned and started to say, "You and your icecr..." but was stopped by the ringing of the telephone. He glanced at the Caller ID display. 'Mom-n-Dad' shown on the screen. {Great.} He knew Vicki was about to be sucked into a long conversation about the wedding, a conversation that he didn't want to be a part of.

Vicki smiled at him and grabbed a jacket from the coat rack. Three rings and the answering machine picked up, "Victoria, I know you're there. It's after six. Come on, pick up the phone." There was a pause. "Victoria, I'm just going to call you back. Now, come on, pick up the phone. Your Aunt Ruth called and..." Vicki grabbed the phone and listened to her mother go on and on about how dear Aunt Ruth was refusing to come to the wedding if Uncle Isaac was coming, too.

Vicki rolled her eyes and shooed William away. A motion he gladly jumped on. {Thank God.} William stepped back into his shorts and waved at her...that 'better you than me' sort of wave.

The golden light that dripped down the walls of their condo told him that the sun was making its descent into the slowly approaching night. Another day was coming to an end. Another day closer to the end of the rest of his life. As he made his way down the long hallway he chanced to look to his left and saw Vicki's wedding dress hanging up in the guest bedroom. A quick look beside it and he saw his tuxedo resting on a hanger next to the ornate gown. He turned and looked back at his bride to be. Soon, they'd be all 'official'. An unexpected shiver ran down his spine. {Nerves, that's all.}

***

Sleep eluded Erin once again. Only tonight, as she stared up at the slowly turning fan blades, Erin's mind wasn't filled with dread and gloom. No. Ever since William had laid his hands on her this afternoon, something deep within her seemed to be trying to find its way from behind the dark veil that had been draped over her for what, to her, seemed like an eternity.

She lay there recalling how it felt to be touched. Recalling how it felt to feel. She could still sense his hands on her, touching her, causing that pleasantly familiar warm sensation to wash over her. And even though Erin didn't want to admit it at first, it had felt so very good. And no matter how she tried to deny the overwhelming effect it had on her both physically and emotionally, Erin knew William had helped her.

William, that annoying ass who had chided and cajoled her into working that first day. That ass who had told her he didn't care how mad she got at him. That ass who refused to just let her give up. William Fitzpatrick, that ass who had reminded her that she wouldn't fall apart if she felt good, if she felt human, if she felt like a woman again.

The fan blades continued their sluggish journey around the delicately etched light covering above her. Erin felt her eyes grow heavy as she watched them cut through the silvery moonlight that shone through the giant picture window behind her. Every now and again the room lit up for a moment.

A storm was headed her way. And there was nothing like a summer storm in Atlanta. The hypnotic lure of the fan blades and the occasional flash of light beckoned her to close her eyes, to fall asleep, to dream. And, within minutes of allowing her brain to stop thinking and racing, Erin was soon in a deep, restful sleep.

***

William looked at the bedside clock and took another deep breath. {Eleven thirty, fucking wonderful.} He had lain in bed and stared at the dancing shadows on the wall across from him for nearly forty-five minutes. When Vicki had finally finished yet another ridiculously long conversation with his soon to be mother-in-law, it was well past eight o'clock. Sesame chicken, egg rolls and fortune cookies filled their bellies along with the rest of that wonderful wine. And by the time all was said and done, William was utterly worn out.

The mental marathon he'd run, the 5 miles he'd physically run, and the sexual relay he and Vicki had taken part in had taken a toll on his body. All he wanted to do was sleep. But he found it almost impossible to stop thinking. {Gotta go to sleep, Fitzy. Just close your eyes.} However, closing his eyes and actually going to sleep were two entirely different things. But he knew, if he just closed his eyes, he'd be one step closer to sleeping. So he glanced one last time at Vicki, her back was to him, and then closed his eyes to the day.