Note: This stand-alone story is part of our continuing swinger adventures. I hope you find at least some of these stories humorous.
Chapter 6: In Da Club - Part I
Have you ever been to a strip club? You know, where the drinks are outrageously expensive and the women are unbelievably hot? A place where hot women with almost no clothing on are into you. You! Totally into you. No matter what you look like. No matter how you act. These hot, almost-naked women want to be your whole fucking universe. At least for the 3 ½ minutes that the song plays for. Then it's off to the another doofus for the next table dance.
Swinger clubs are nothing like this. Look, I mean, let's be honest. Strip clubs are mostly illusion. Pretty sights but ultimately you end up with nothing but frustration. Let's face it. You're not going to go home with the naked girl grinding on top of you, no matter how many dollar bills you stuff into her g-string. Swinger clubs, for better or worse, are mostly reality. Sometimes it's not so pretty. Actually, it can be rather gritty at times. But there's a pretty good fucking chance that you are going to go home with the girl. Or at least, get to the dungeon room down the hall.
Anne and I had experienced a few things with some other couples. Well, puking, priests and some soft swinging to be exact. But now we were thinking about visiting a club. Our city actually had a few clubs to choose from. A selection of fuck houses! The one that we decided to visit was called Reveal! Nice. It was a former, um, something. I don't know. I do know that they didn't build the place solely so that people could come and fuck.
We debated whether or not to go for several weeks. Could we really do this? What if we ran into someone that we knew? What if we had a REALLY bad time? A million questions. A million debates. Finally, though, our curiosity won out and we decided to go for it.
What do we wear?
Is there some type of swinger club attire? Well, actually, later on we found out that yes, indeed, there is indeed swinger wear. But what did we know? Anne decided to wear a long flowing skirt and a tight top, showing off her magnificent cleavage. I wore pants. Oh, and a shirt. I mean, really, who cares?
So, bundled up in our swinger best, we headed out one Saturday evening. The club wasn't exactly in the most upscale part of town. Would you expect it to be? But with our doors locked and our eyes peeled, we braved the streets of the wrong side of town until we arrived at our destination.
A strip mall.
Huh?
Seriously? A strip mall? But, that's where the club was. We nervously got out of the car. What if the police were there waiting for us? Wouldn't that just be great? Our faces splashed across the front page of the daily news.
PERVERTED CLUB PATRONS BUSTED!
To our relief, though, we weren't nabbed in some undercover sex sting. Instead, we safely entered the club.
Well, we entered the outer foyer of the club. We spoke to a very nice man who made us fill out a very long form asking us for lots and lots of legal-like information. Then he asked for eighty bucks.
Eighty bucks?????
Holy shakedown, batman!! Shit, those overpriced beers at the strip club didn't look so bad just then. But, I sucked it up, paid the man, and walked through the doors into the club. I thought for a brief moment that Willie Wonka was going to start singing as he led us into the chocolate room and then I would watch Augustus Gloop fall into the chocolate river.
Instead, a somewhat heavyset blond woman with big tits and a see-thru mesh shirt led us and another coupe on a tour of the club. This other couple looked just as out of place as we did. Like deer in the proverbial headlights. Well, deer that wanted to fuck, I mean. So, mesh tits led us and the other couple on a tour of the club. She led us through rooms with weird tables, rooms with multiple beds, a swimming pool area, a dance area, a bar, and an area with lots of private rooms. Oh, and there were lots of T.V.s scattered around showing porn. Mesh tits also pointed out that each of the beds had clean sheets on them. If a couple, or group, or um, mob, used the bed, then they were expected to change the sheets on the mattress before the next, uh, party used that mattress.
Huh. Who knew that swinger clubs had better housekeeping than a Super 8 motel?
Well, anyway, we finished the tour.
And then it struck me that there were women walking around naked.
Naked women.
Walking around.
Naked.
This was kind of surreal.
Cause men were walking around naked too.
Weird.
And not the strip club illusion type of people.
These were honest to goodness, salt of the earth people.
Buck naked.
I looked over at Anne. Her eyes were like saucers. She was trying to take it all in. We saw swings and dildos and condoms.
Oh my!
We saw lubes and whips and paddles.
Oh my!
After the tour was over, we decided to head over to the bar. Well, we headed over to the bar with our own bottle of wine. See, these clubs don't have their own liquor licenses. So it's all BYOB. But they do provide cups and juice and soft drinks. At the bar, we got two glasses of our finest cheap red and went into the main "meet and greet" area to sit and collect ourselves.
Anne and I talked about what we saw. Had seen. We were still in a bit of shock. I don't think that we believed that we were really there. That at any moment we would wake up from this weird erotic dream. And then a fat guy in a towel would saunter by and we'd want to pinch ourselves and try to wake up from this now super non-erotic nightmare.
Just kidding.
Well, not about the whole fat-guy in a towel thing.
Because there were quite a few of them.
So we sat.
And stared.
We stared at the women dancing with each other and making out. We stared at the porn playing on the big t.v. We stared at the woman giving the guy a blow job in the corner of the room.
We just stared.
I began to notice some things about the club as we sat and as it filled up with more people. There was definitely a group/clique thing going on. A group talked, danced and fucked only each other and no one else. Others, like us, who obviously didn't know anyone else, simply sat, not quite knowing what to do. Or what to say.
This was a bit different than asking a girl to dance at a party. This was going straight to third base. Home run. Fucking. With multiple people. In a semi-public place.
Oh boy.
However, perhaps these unbelievably weird, yet somehow strangely erotic situations actually helped break the ice. Because we soon began chatting with one, and then another couple. A few lost souls in this strange naked fuckland. Banded together. We spoke about random things. Where we lived. A little random stuff about kids. How many times we'd been to a club like this.
We came from different backgrounds. We were different ages. But, apparently, we were all there to get some strange. I listened, but my eyes wandered. It was hard to focus with all this crazy shit happening right in front of me. Random naked people engaged in sex acts out of the corner of my eye.
The other couples that we were talking to seemed normal enough. I mean, just what exactly is normal in this situation? After a bit, Anne and I got up from the table a few times to walk through the club again. You know, to see the sights. We saw women getting fucked hard in the dungeon room. We saw naked people getting it on in the swimming pool. We saw groups entering the private rooms. A cornucopia of group fucking.
I couldn't get over what we were seeing in this place. And yet, we were simple spectators in this wide world of fucking and sucking. Could Anne and I be anything more? At that point I just didn't know.
After the walkthrough, we headed back over to our little table of outcast couples. Well, that was what it felt like to me. The other couples were still there, still chatting away. A little piece of normalcy in this big naked ball of chaos.
Uh huh. Normal.
Right.
So we're sitting there with these other couples when the husband of one starts chatting with Anne and me. He and his wife were a bit older than us. In fact, he told us that they had a daughter who was in college.
Oh. Um, that's nice. Always safe to talk about kids and stuff.
He went on to tell me that their daughter played soccer on a college team. That the reason why there were in town was because they were down to watch her play in a game the next day.
Ah. . . . Hmmmmmmm, ok.
In fact, he continued, they often went on soccer trips with her college team so that they could find new swinger clubs to go to and visit.
Um, WHAT??? Warning! Hey man, That's a yellow card penalty!!!
Ewwww.
Ok, Whatever. So, they're just a happy go lucky traveling swinger couple. So what? I mean, ok, it s little fucking creepy to do it while following your daughter's soccer team around the country, but hey, who am I to judge? I mean, really? Here I was, with my own wife, looking to hook up and fuck. Live and let live with crazy soccer dad. That's what I say!
But he wasn't done. Oh, no sir. It seems that crazy soccer dad was just warming up. Maybe it was the atmosphere of the club. Maybe it was the 6 or 7 jack and cokes that he'd slammed down with a few potato chips. But he, my friend, was ready for business.
The fuckin' kind of business.
He started eyeballing Anne like a piece of fresh meat. He wanted those big tits of hers. He wanted to bang her like there was no tomorrow.
Of course, Anne was giving me the not-so-subtle look of "NOFUCKINGWAYINHELL ISCRAZYFUCKINGSOCCERDAD GETTINGANYWHERENEARME NOHOWNOFUCKINGWAY!!!!!!!!"
Like I said.
Subtle.
Not.
So, with a little drool coming out of the side of his mouth, Crazy turns to me and says,
"Hey man, what do you like?"
What do I like? You mean to eat? Drink? Do I like normal people? I was almost afraid to answer.
"What do you mean?" I said back to him. A question with a question. Brilliant play Eric!
At this point, Crazy looked briefly over at his wife.
His wife?
His wife!!!
She hadn't said a thing. In fact, I kind of forgot that she was there. That this was just a solo crazy mission for Crazy soccer dad. But she was. There I mean. She was rather plain. Somewhat mousy looking in fact. I'd like to say that she was soft spoken, but hell, she hadn't said a goddamn word the entire time that we sat with them. It was Crazy and the mute.
Like a duet.
Anyway, Crazy nods his head at Silent Plain Jane and then continues.
"My wife will do anything," he says. Then he leans in, his eyes getting wide and even more drool coming out of his mouth. "Anything!"
Whoa there big boy. I think that's a red card foul for being just too fucking creepy!
Definitely a red card!!!
So Silent Plain Jane had a freaky side! Well, at least according to Crazy she did. And now he was just kind of grinning at us. Like some kind of whacked out twisted psycho-killer.
Perfect.
"So, whaddya think," he asks. I looked at him. I looked over at Silent Plain Jane.
And I knew that it was time to go.
Somewhere else.
I smiled.
I looked at Crazy. I looked at Silent Plain Jane. She said nothing.
Of course.
I smiled some more.
I looked over at Anne. She was literally willing the very ground to split asunder and swallow her whole.
I mean, I could swear that she was doing that. Really. All I knew is that she wanted to get the fuck out of there. To go anywhere. Just away from Crazy.
So, I did the only thing that I could think of. I called the retreat. Full retreat men!!!
"Hey, um, you," I said. I totally forgot Crazy's real name from when he told it to me only a few minutes ago. Maybe it's because I'm bad with names. Or maybe it's because this crazy fucking soccer loving psycho freak had literally scared his very own name right out of my goddamned brain.
Whatever. I needed to eject. Now dammit, now!!!!!!
"So, um, yeah," I continued. Smooth. "We're um, walk, yeah, walk around for a bit. But, ahhhhhh, yeah. We're gonna be back, uh, later. O.k?"
