When I was interviewing Zerzinski this afternoon, I was once again thinking about the vastly different reactions people can have to the whole Donor X phenomenon. As well as to Zerzinski's specific kind of sexual orientation, and how people respond to that.
The evening's readings were a fascinating exercise in contrast.
Rie never came over that night. Presumably, Zerzinski was keeping her occupied. Though I didn't know, and kept trying not to care. It was a different, though equally beautiful young woman who knocked on my door.
She wasn't wearing the loose dresses so many of the others there wore. She had tight jeans on, and an equally tight top. All of which served to emphasize each perfect curve of her lean little body.
I glanced between her legs. Trying to be subtle about it, in a brief moment when she was looking somewhere else.
If you didn't know, I'd imagine you wouldn't notice anything amiss. But with those jeans on, it was easy to see the slight bump around where her clit would be.
Either a very unusually large clit, or the most convincing trans woman on the planet. Or a Device. My guess was the latter.
"Dinner, Danu-san," she said, as she entered the cabin, putting a tray of delicious-smelling food on the table.
"
Arigato
."
She made no pretense of sticking around to keep me company. I don't think she spoke much English, anyway. As soon as she put the tray down, she said two things. Which I believe were something along the lines of "itedakimas" and "oyasumi."
Have a good dinner
and
good night.
Alone, I swung my laptop around next to the tray of food, and began eating and reading.
Before reading the document attached to Cy's most recent email, I wanted to finish reading the Choto girl's diary entries that I had begun earlier.
Day 21
Sleeping last night was difficult. And then my pussy hurt all day today.
For the most part, it was a good kind of pain. Like the way your muscles hurt after going for a run. Or maybe more like the way they hurt after a boxing match. Not that I would know about that from direct experience.
Trying to distinguish that pain from the pain in my clitoris is difficult. My clit seems to have achieved a new level of hardness. Like the blood that keeps flowing into it is just going to stay there. Maybe it will harden further. Then shrivel up and fall off.
I'm glad to have had the opportunity to do what I have done over the past three weeks, though. Now I have to decide what to do next.
Most Choto girls leave at this point. Of course they have lives to go back to. Jobs, rent, boyfriends. I still stay at my parents' place, and don't have any of those encumbrances to consider.
Of course, as well, and probably more to the point, most Choto girls might be happy to serve the Temple for a few weeks. Knowing they will be inoculated at the end of it. It's only some that want more. Or perhaps less.
To which group do I belong?
Day 22
The tradition here is the Choto girls leave at this point for three days. And then either come back, or stay gone, depending. We may remove our Device. But if we remove it for more than 24 hours before putting it back on, we're done with the Temple.
I don't want to go home now. So I made plans to visit a friend who lives not far away, in Fukuoka. Sitting on the train again this morning, feeling it vibrating gently beneath my seat, my hand wandered between my legs. And to the familiar object that was still keeping my clitoris in a state of sensory deprivation.
Having the ability to remove it is new, and strange. Knowing that at any moment, I could take it off. And then it will send a signal into the ether. And if I don't put it back on soon enough, I'd be out of the Temple.
I'm really not so concerned about being in or out of the Temple, though, really. More just paralyzed with indecision about what to do with this thing between my legs. Now that I have more of a choice.
Of course I always had a choice. To walk away. To get some wire cutters. But now it is more of a choice.
It is a choice given to me. With the express purpose of me making a decision.
Day 23
It's been good to visit Keiko. She knows where I've been, and she also knows I can't talk about the details. She seems curious but not resentful that I have to withhold things.
Even if I didn't have to stay quiet, would I want to talk about this with her? She's a close friend, and we know each other well. But I don't know if she would relate to me on this one. Not sure how many people would. They'd think I'm crazy. A masochist, for sure. Which is automatically assumed to be a bad thing, of course, in the world of normative behavior.
Day 24
My clit woke me up several times last night. It felt like blood was rushing in and then rushing out, and it was tingling. I almost removed the Device. I wanted to touch it so much. But the wanting made me feel so alive, too.
Each time I almost removed it, I thought about the consequences. What would it feel like? It would be good to have an orgasm. I'd probably have several in a row at least, once I got going. And afterwards, would I feel fulfilled? Or empty and drained?
Is a moment of pleasure, or even many moments of pleasure, better than the continual rush of desire, combined with the knowledge that I am serving a purpose? It feels good to serve a purpose. The feeling isn't like the rush of an orgasm. It's much more subtle.
I do want to go back to the Temple, I've decided. But I think I should test myself further, and see if I really want this. It's been very hard to keep the Device on when I've constantly known I could now remove it at any time.
But then, it occurred to me, what would be harder still would be to remove it, while maintaining the same discipline.
I'm now going to take it off for the night.
Day 25
Last night I questioned everything. My sexuality. My sanity. My idea of what gives life purpose. Probably other things, too.
I took off the Device before I went to bed last night. As soon as I did, it was as if all I could feel was the air rushing to meet my clitoris.
I lay down. And still, the only part of my body that seemed to be feeling anything was my clit. I cupped my fingers around it.
Pushing against it sent shocks throughout my body. Raising my fingers so they formed a cover, with my clit in the middle, bereft of physical contact, felt familiar, sort of peaceful.
But then pushing my fingers down upon it again was impossible to resist. I just kept on going back and forth with that. Until, just from being held, without rubbing it at all with my fingers, my clit was ready to explode. An orgasm pushing out from within me once again. It had been so long.
When that happened the first time, I squeezed my legs together to hold it at bay. Which itself almost made me come. I quickly pulled my legs apart. But the sheet on top of me fell down between my legs, and brushed against my clit. More waves throughout my body. Pushing me again towards the brink.
I pulled the sheets away. Laying still on the bed, legs spread apart, nothing touching my clit. I focused on breathing. Eventually, slowly, painfully, the throbbing in my clit lessened. My breathing became less forced. And my body relaxed just slightly.
The idea of sleeping seemed completely off the table. I was exhausted from the pressure. The kind of exhaustion that feels good and terrible at the same time.
There is the inherent sense of purpose within it, as well as the sense of desperation. What is this desperation? It's that sense that any second now, everything could go wrong, in some undetermined way.
Once the danger of the orgasm I was keeping at bay subsided, my clit, still throbbing, still so tense, so lonely, needed the company of my fingers. Which it had not had for a long time - and then only under Robu-san's watchful eye.
When I held it again, once again the shock waves. And the building tension that had, I realized, just barely gone anywhere. Within a minute or so of holding it, I had to remove my hand again. And make sure to keep the sheet from falling between my legs.
I gave up on relaxing. On sleeping. And focused only on making it through the night without coming. Which ultimately meant without touching. Barely moving, lying still. Becoming more tired by the hour, with no chance of sleeping.
By the time the sun came up I was full of self-doubt. Voices of self-criticism ringing between my ears. Making no sense, but causing pain nonetheless.
The emotional pain and exhaustion of my body was eclipsed by the pain between my legs, however. This was the pain that gave me focus. And focusing on it somehow brought me calm - though a very tense, tired calm.
I had made it through the night. I touched my throbbing, hard, purple clit one more time. Felt the shock waves one more time, before putting the Device back on. The sensory deprivation it brought with it was a welcome relief.
As I write this, I am on the train back to Yamaguchi. I want to go back. I want to give back of the Device again. I don't want the control.
Day 26
Being back on the mountain, everything seems so familiar. The landscape, the trees, the houses. The girls everywhere. Some familiar faces, many new ones, always.
By now all the Purification Temple members have turned over several times. Most of the Choto girls, too. The ones left are mostly now others who have stayed past their inoculation.
I slept well last night. I had been so tired from the night before. My clit hurt, but in a reassuring kind of way. The urgency was mostly gone. My powerlessness to do anything about it helps a lot with that, I think.
Day 27
Robu-san took me for a walk today. He was very open in terms of the things he said during our walk.
"I'm in awe of you," was how he put it.
"The Choto girls who stay past their inoculation," he said. "You guys are nuts."
"Probably we are," I said. "Are you?"
