Blind Love

With a disgusted sigh, I closed the estate ledgers. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I dared not let it spread, least of all to my face. I could not bear to let the keepers of my home see what dire straits we had come to find ourselves.

Suddenly, the warm library seemed too stuffy and oppressive. I had never before felt intimidated by mere walls, but for some reason, I felt that I should surely suffocate if I did not breathe fresh air. With haste, I drew back the heavy draperies at the great windows of the study, so that I might let light flood the room. When I reached the west panes, I gripped the window's frame and pulled with as much strength as I could muster. Begrudgingly, the window finally slid open, spilling forth precious new life into the closed and dusty room. I sat in the worn chair beneath the open window, and pondered my next move.

From what I had read in William's records, the hold should be very capable of providing food well enough to feed all of those who tended the manor or plowed the fields, with enough left to sell at market or export. The earnings from market alone should be sufficient enough to keep William's credit holders at bay, yet if that were so, I would not have had such a terrible afternoon with one certain gentleman who had demanded payment of my lord's gambling debt to him.

It seemed that something was very much amiss amongst some of my own help. Truth be told though, I had not the faintest idea where to begin looking for the cause of our problem. The only other option that I had was to seek out someone to help in righting this wrong. Until the time came that I could find someone suitable, I would just have to handle matters on my own.

I was jolted from my reverie by the sight of Missus Hearthrow, standing at the threshold.

"What might it be, Jane? Is there something that you need?"

Missus Hearthrow stepped forward with a polite curtsy.

"Mi lady, supper is waiting if you would care to take dinner in the main hall. I was not certain if you would like for me to carry a tray to your rooms, or if you would like company this evening. If you are not feeling better, I could arrange for some broth to be brought in for you."

Jane was always so caring. It was a wonder that William had ever wished for my company, when he had such a fine woman tending his home. When I had first come, she had immediately calmed my fears of being an outsider and brought me into the fold. No matter how improper it might have been, I would always look upon her with a fondness fit for a mother.

"I am quite well, thank you Jane. Actually, I tire of being alone. I have spent all day in the company of these dusty books, and would enjoy the opportunity to be around people. Besides, I'm in the mood for some of the latest gossip," I joked with a mischievous smile.

"Very well, my dear. If it would please you, I will set a place for you in the kitchen with the rest of the folk. I'm sure that if it is gossip that you are after, you will surely find it there," she said with a chuckle.

+ + + +

The kitchen was warm and bright, due to the cook fire. As I stepped through the doorway, the room fell silent of the good natured jesting taking place just minutes before. The large table was set with simple fare, warm and delicious. As I scanned the faces of those I had come to know so well, it struck me that no matter how kind I was to them, I might never be seen as anything but a burden of nobility. Aye, they were indeed polite enough, but in all but a few faces, I was still very much unwelcome among them.

With a somewhat forced smile, I tried to dispel the tension in the air.

"Go on now, do not quit on my account. It has been far too long since I had last heard a good tale, or heartfelt laughter."

As I was seated, my companions once again became animated, sharing various tales of the field and pieces of gossip that had traveled from relatives far off. I was just beginning my soup when Aidan walked through the door. I thought that I would surely choke, as I inhaled sharply as the spoon full of soup touched my tongue. My broth felt like it had barbs, as I swallowed it down painfully, trying not to cough. It was at that time, as Aidan took his seat, that he looked over at me. He had the most devilish smile upon his face as he greeted me.

"Good evening, Mi lady. It is good to see that you are feeling well again." With that, his eyes met mine, and I saw in them that he knew quite well that I had not been ill.

My face felt warm, and I tried to convince myself that it must be the heat of the room, and not the heat of my body at the sight of him.

I felt as though I was fighting a losing battle as I gallantly wrestled to keep my mind on my full plate. I sat silently, listening to the troubles and joys of the people around me, until she caught my eye. Sitting next to Aidan, was the girl called Laurel. Being from Ireland, her hair beamed with the fire of the noon sun. With her curly red locks and glowing skin, she was quite a sight to behold. All I truly knew about her was that she was a laundress, one of many for this keep. Truth be told, it was all I wanted to know of her the first time that I saw her smile at Aidan. I could not hear what was being said, but it didn't matter. Throughout the meal, I felt disgusted as I watched her run her fingertips down his arm and smile so sweetly up at him. Though he had not returned the displays of affection, he had done nothing to prevent them either.

As I recalled our kiss earlier that morn, I felt the horrible monster of jealousy creeping under my skin. I tried to put things into perspective, but my heart would not listen to reason. I watched the two of them laugh and talk for as long as I could before the pain became too intense. I left the table with my meal half eaten. When I arose, Jane started to approach me, but I waved her away. I swiftly made my way through the flower gardens and into the stable yard.

The tension was so tight in my body that I feared that I might snap in two. I knew that I had absolutely no right to him. Even whilst he was young and I took pity on him, teaching him how to read and make his letters, I had never considered him my equal. Though we were both humans, I had held myself above him, and even now I did not know how to breach that gap. By the time that I reached the stall that I had headed for, my dear horse was already rolling his eyes back into his head in excitement and anticipation. I knew that he could feel all of the tension coursing through every fiber of my body. Hurriedly I saddled my great stallion, the horse of my beloved William. Though I struggled mounting in my evening gown, I still managed with remarkable speed. It only took moments before we were racing from the stables as though the devil himself were chasing us.

...to be continued.