The breakdown that often comes as a result of PTSD can have some interesting side effects that nobody talks about.
For example, one guy I knew had a prodigious ability to remember long file numbers after seeing them only once. He could recall phone numbers that he had only ever dialled once, years before, and car number plates and who owned that car if he had read about them in case notes.
After he fell apart it took him years to remember his own phone number and only slightly less time before he could remember his own address. He had no trouble getting home but if someone asked him for his address he could never remember it.
My problems were not like that. Before I fell apart I had an innate ability to know where North was and I always knew the exact time ... within a margin of error of plus or minus five minutes. Since my mental collapse I needed a compass and a watch ... and a few minutes after I woke up to remember where I was and how I got there.
If there's some light when I wake up then knowing where I am is not such a problem but it's totally different in the middle of the night.
That's why I was just about scared witless when I woke to a soft touch on my arm. Even as I was coming up from a deep sleep I was telling myself to relax ... relax ... don't let anyone know that you're awake.
Stay relaxed, listen, feel, don't open your eyes ... don't give them the advantage ... let them think that ... lips on my cheek ... the threat is kissing me? I turn my head and it's Angela ... but it's dark ... she shouldn't be here.
"Hello handsome man," she whispered.
"Hello beautiful lady, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be somewhere else?"
"Oh he got shit-faced on free booze so I left him in his hotel room. I had to come back to see if you were still here."
"I'm still here," I rolled onto my side and put my arm around her. Our faces were so close that I could have rubbed noses with her. "Do you want me to be here?"
"You know I do Steve ... but do you want to be here?"
"You know I do Angela."
"But what about our problem?"