A letter? Who gets a letter these days? I mean a good old fashioned piece of paper folded into yet another folded piece of paper and delivered to your door, seriously! Usually you get bills through the mail; you get ads on shiny coated paper that try to sell you weight reduction programs or the last promotions of your local supermarket, but a letter, no, that´s not the kind of thing you get in the mail. I try to remember when the last time I got a letter was and despite my best efforts, I'm unable to recall that happening any time in my past. Is that possible? Never getting a letter, it's a bit sad now that I think of it.
Oh by the way, my name is Erin Banks, the name might sound familiar but I can assure you we've never met. I go to high school but not for long anymore, finals are approaching. I'm going out with Mark, he's a nice guy, not too bright but hey he got my virginity and according to what I hear that's supposed to be a big thing with you guys, so I keep him around. So you see: we've never met before.
Let's go back to that letter. The envelope is white, pretty standard; my name is written in a handwriting I don't recognize. The doors of the elevator open. I take out my keys, enter the flat.
"Hi dad."
"Hi sweetie, how was school today?"
That's my dad, he's a cubicle salesman for a large corporation selling... well something, I don't know what exactly. At some point he sold cars, later it was machinery for hospitals. With the crisis he lost that job and he's been on and off jobs selling stuff since. I kind of lost track recently. By the way I live alone with him. Mom left with another man when I was a kid. What kind of bitch does that to a kid?
Anyway, I lock myself in my room to read the letter. My dad won't bother me, he understands that as a teenager I need my personal space, my little own secret garden. I seat at my desk, I clear it of the pile of half opened books I use to make believe I'm studying. I take out the letter. No expedition address. It's kind of thrilling to have this in front of me. I don't know why but I have the feeling that this letter might change the course of my life. Not that I applied to any university or anything, too much pretend not enough studying, you see. I'll go work with my uncle on the west coast next summer and then we'll see. Okay, back to the letter now. So I flip it for the third time and finally convince myself to open it.
In it I find a single sheet of paper, a cheap black and white photocopied paper. I'm about to dismiss it as another stupid ad and curse myself for the useless expectations I've built around a handwritten envelope when one word attracts my attention: Vampire! It's written at least three times on the paper - I'm used to spot the word. I start to read.
"Dear Vampire enthusiast,
We proudly invite you to the grand premiere of our feature presentation,
BLOOD FOR THE VAMPIRES
Pre reopening of the Kings Theatre, Brooklyn
Doors will open at 10 PM sharp on the night of the Thursday June 19th
Bring your nicest vampire costume
Free drinks for everyone after the movie
This invitation is valid for four persons"
And below the text, there's the poster of the movie representing what looks like a drop of blood running down a woman's chin with the credits barely readable below.
This is huge. I look at the picture again, despite the terrible resolution, the way the light falls on the bloody chin is pretty hot... Okay, you should need an explanation at this point and since we are in my head and that you don't exist, I can confess something to you. You see, since I was eleven I've always been a huge vampire fan. Fan is not exactly the term... How can I put it? Let's be blunt: vampires make me horny. In other words, my lady parts get all wet when I think of ravenous immortals that prey on innocent virgins...
Hey, stop judging me! You fantasize about blonde teenagers with terrible haircuts and the body of a boy, well that's your thing. My thing is terrifying creatures of the night out to suck my blood. It might sound silly but it's not sillier than erecting Justin Bieber as the sex symbol of our generation. In the dark of the night, when I feel horny and relieve the tension manually, I imagine a great fanged beauty (either man or woman, when it comes to vampires, I'm totally bisexual) flying in my room through my window, perversely seducing me before defiling my body and drinking my blood through the proverbial twin bites marks in the neck... Or the thigh, or the breasts, or the ass, or the cunt, or the... Sorry, for a moment there, you lost me... So yes, you can imagine this letter has a huge appeal to me.
As a true vampire groupie, I proud myself on being heavily in the loop concerning anything related to vampires and I must confess that it's the first time I hear of this movie project. But who cares? I'll go for sure and offer Mark, Cheryl and Kathy to come with me.
***
Mark and Cheryl say yes right away. Going out dressed as vampires and enjoying a select movie premiere at a famous landmark in New York, how could they not. Kathy has to negotiate with her mother to be allowed to come. It's a weekday, darling, and you have school the next day. I know mom but it won't finish too late and we'll stay at Erin's place. Will her father be there? Yes mom of course he will Liar, liar, as a matter of fact daddy is off in Detroit for a big contract and he won't be coming back until the following Tuesday. What is the movie about? It's a romantic comedy, mom, come on let me go. I'll have to talk it over with your dad. Come on mom... Anyway she finally manages to bend mommy's resolution and get a free pass to make it to the premiere. I suspect that beyond the eagerness to have a night out with three good friends, we share a bit of the same fetish, Kathy and I.
***
Anyway, a week later I am waiting in front of the old movie theatre for the three stooges. The place itself is quite creepy, it's supposed to reopen to the public in 2015 but I understand why the production company chose this place for the premiere. It's tall and lonely in the middle of Brooklyn, renovations are far from finished. The bas reliefs on the façade representing laughing masks seem to be mocking us.
Us? Well, me and the weird crowd around me. I am surrounded by creatures of the night and it's a bit surrealistic. Two girls came as slutty vampire schoolgirls and they look amazing with the torn fishnets, white shirts, ponytails, matching scarves and very realistic bite marks. You have a tall man that looks a lot like Christopher Lee with cape and all. You have also your usual array of TV show vampires; I count at least six Damon Salvatore/Bill Compton imitators, three Sookie Stackhouses, a few Angel/Buffy pairings and two Barnabas Collinses, one Johnny Depp and one Jonathan Frid. You have a couple of cheap Lestats, a few victims and of course, a nice selection of original vampires with fangs, fake bites and blood all over the face. Luckily we have not been granted the honor of the presence of any Twilight fans; I could have gotten into trouble if we had. I won't tell you how much I hate those guys. Seriously, I won't...
On the plus side, all those fangs around me make me a bit horny. Nah, let's be honest some of the costumes have made me soaked wet. I try to give me some composure by imaginary texting but I fail amazingly at it. You have to understand me, everywhere I look there's a new hot vamp or vampress I'd love to offer my neck for him or her to ravage.
Finally they arrive. Mark has the worst costume ever! Fake plastic fangs, the kind you find at your local supermarket for Halloween, a cape that's not even black, fake blood around the mouth made with lipstick and a ton of white make up. Probably the worst attempt at it of the whole crowd around us. Cheryl has gone for the Vampirella outfit, pretty nice, but she must be freezing, I would have loved to see the face of the cab driver... Kathy is your classical Hammer vampire bride: a long white Victorian nightgown, magnificent bite marks in the cleavage and a beautiful pair of fangs. This girl is definitely into vampires. Myself, I went for simplicity. A bit of eyeliner, a hint of white foundation, my usual black clothes - black, the zombie contacts – all white – I bought last Halloween and of course my newly acquired custom fit fangs from boogueyman.com. They feel weird in my mouth but they do look great. The contacts are starting to hurt a bit though; I'll take them off as soon as the movie starts.
"Kiss, kiss, you look amazing! You too! Blabla! We're going to have the best evening ever... "
While we chit chat, the doors to the theatre open. The evening is about to start. At the doors no one is checking the invitations. I guess that they consider that if you got this far it's because you got an invitation. The place is lit by large torches hanging from the walls. Now, if the exterior looked creepy the interior is just plain gothic horror. I can't imagine how they plan to reopen the place in less than a year. The huge ceiling is covered with spider webs, and not just a few, it's like we ended up in some old Sci-Fi movie from the fifties called "The planet of the spiders". Half the tapestries are maculated with dirt stains and the other half is torn from the walls. The carpets that lead to the balcony are worn threadbare. The whole place smells old, rotten... It´s strange but there doesn't seem to be anyone except for the public. The doors to the screening room are open. As we walk in, just in front of us, one of the slutty vampire schoolgirls lets out a cry.
"Fuck!" She says, "that thing bit me."
That thing is a strange statue by the entrance of the screening room. It looks like an old stone Gargoyle. Her friend, the other slutty vampire schoolgirl stops to look at her hand. We take advantage of their distraction for a little queue jump and we walk to our seats.
The projection room is in a much better state. Apparently this part of the theatre has already been redone. It's five to ten and everyone seems to be seated. The doors close simultaneously... Good prop, really creepy. The slutty schoolgirl vampires are seating just in front of us. Feeling a bit guilty I bend over tapping on her shoulder.
"Hey there," I say to the one who got bit "are you okay?"
"Thanks," she answers "yes, it stopped bleeding right away. It was just a scratch."
She doesn't look that well. Maybe it's the light but she looks much much paler than before. Anyway, the lights are turning off, the movie is about to begin. People start to applaud...
