The public has been influenced by a multitude of writings, starting with Polidori's "The Vampyre" (1819), the first of hundreds of subsequent novels, short stories, and eventual films. For 200 years, similar tales delighted and horrified the public. One of the most recent is Ann Rice's successful novel, "Interview With A Vampire [1991]Mezzo-American."
I'm here, dear Reader, to tell you those stories are bogus. We don't turn into bats, we aren't afraid of crosses or a clove of garlic. You don't need one of the Lone Ranger's silver bullets to kill us. These stories are nonsense, popularized by people who invented these fables. If a vampire turned away from a garlic eater it was probably due to the garlic eater's bad breath.
From the beginning of time, creatures have eaten each other. Early man practiced cannibalism. Many early hominid remains were gnawed on by human teeth. Archaeologists frequently find the bones of early man in situ, broken to suck out the juicy marrow. And why not? Fresh blood tastes great. Many Asian dishes, that originated from cannibalism, revel in the use of blood, usually from pigs or cattle.
Modern society frowns on the consumption of human flesh while practicing mass extermination. A meat eater would call this is "an ungodly waste of good protein?" If you are going to kill people, you might as well carve a good roast out of a victim and chow down. Mezo-American Indians did exactly that. Other examples of human consumption includes the Donner Pass victims(1846), the Andes' plane crash of a soccer team (1971) and of course Jeffry Dahmer, a certifiable cutup. But here is some news for you. Vampires no longer eat their victims. There are plenty of good things out there to eat, why bother.
What we do, is drain just enough blood from our victims to answer our needs and in rare cases, we will infect our victim with what we vamps jokingly call "Dracula's Virus."
Vampires are an endangered population, it's not enough to grab a victim by the throat and drain his blood, but then you have to dispose of the body before anyone's the wiser. Missing person reports are a terrible nuisance if the police finally remember to investigate. The first question always is, "You were the last person they were seen with?" It can be a terrible bother. Such behavior has given us a bad reputation. Modern vamps have learned to avoid killing our victims.
*************A NEW SYSTEM FOR BLOOD NOURISHMENT***************
In every big city there are at least 8 to 12 vamps. Small towns or villages may have fewer or none. Vampires are really a big city thing.
How do vampires acquire their minimal required blood nourishment without causing a decrease in the human population? We have found a logical solution to our feeding needs. Most vamps have part time employment or have secured entry into Funeral Homes and Crematorium Establishments. If a dead body is put on ice, the blood is still palatable up to 36 hours after death. Drinking the blood of the day old dead is not as tasty as an 18 year old virgin, but we all have to make sacrifices and accommodations if we are to survive. This is a workable solution. Such specialized employment has made it possible to meet my needs and that of many others. Of course warm fresh blood, like bareback sex, is much preferred by the palate but sometimes one must make exceptions.
I work the night shift at the Janic Crematorium, a part of the Bellavista Funeral home franchise that is found across the US. Although you have probably seen the many local funeral homes, there are only a few regional crematoriums. In my case the actual site of the crematorium is not in the funeral home premises. It's about 50 miles away, but don't tell anyone. People get upset. Crematoriums are a specialized service. You can't just stick them anywhere.
Bellavista has a website and performs cremation services for many other parlors. If you call one of our offices or chat on line you will speak to our receptionist, Polly. She has a beautiful English accent and a gentle manor. I have met her a number of times. She doesn't look as good as she sounds, a few extra rolls of fat, but then again she is eating more than most of us. We have few visitors at the Janic Crematorium. Our special agents or drivers collect the bodies, bag them and gurney them out of their homes and arrange the burning of the corpses. This usually takes place within 3 days of arrival. I get to drive the dead bodies or "stiffs" from the local office, out to the burn site every few days. I say "stiffs" with all due respect. Riga mortis is quite complete by that point. This phenomenon is caused by the skeletal muscles partially contracting.
Of course the best jobs for vampires are right in the Funeral home. Those vamps get to drain blood from the deceased within hours of the dead arrival. The downside of working there is having to put up with the families who congregate to hear some religious fop give a eulogy, telling them how wonderful Uncle Donald was even if the fop never met him.There again, life as in death, is a compromise. Sometimes you'll put up with a lousy waiter if the food is really good.
I shy away from encounters with the public. I prefer to stay away from the funeral homes when possible. I prefer the quietness of the Crematorium, where only the roar of our gas fired furnace interrupts the stillness of the night. As the limo load of corpses go up in flames I walk out back and gaze up at the star filled universe whose light is refracted into a million fractals by the heat of the oven pouring out of the chimney.
It is an old saw among us, that Vamps have a terrible sense of humor but a terrific sense of smell, far better than bloodhounds? We can tell if a woman is having her period over 20 feet away. To our highly developed sensory apparatus it is a heavenly odor that surpasses the finest French perfumes. We can also tell if a woman, particularly a window, has had recent sexual activity. As strange as it seems, when women are in their most vulnerable state, someone usually comes along, a relative or a clergyman or a vampire to take advantage.
****************OUR SECRET MUTATION REVEALED******************
Now I'm going to let you in on a secret, one that even Ann Rice doesn't know. A modern vampire has a sped up cell metabolism, the ability to replicate our body cells ten times faster than humans. In addition, Vampires under certain conditions can transform into other creatures and then back again.These leaps into transmogrification are not without risks. At some point in the last thousand years, one of our ancestors transformed into an octopus and on changing back to his previous "human" form an odd mutation carried over. Certain morphological qualities of the octopus remained with him. How or why this occurred, we leave to the geneticists to figure out. In any event, this mutation led to a significant alteration in our ancestor's creation of additional vampires. There was a distinguishing change in our subsequent methodology due to this most unusual mutation.
We developed a new trick beyond the old school grab, throat bite and life fluid drain. Yes, that ballet pirouette is still in our repertoire if we choose to use it, but mind you, we have developed a far more insidious device thanks to the unusual happenstance. Our penises looks normal in the gym shower room or when pressing iron in a tight pair of short shorts with our cock or balls peeking out at the pant sleeve bottom or as we fold you into our arms in the dim light of your bedroom when you get to see us nude. But if you were to carefully and forcibly roll back our foreskin, there you will see a row of tiny teeth and tiny suckers, much like an octopus' mouth. This examination is not possible unless we voluntarily release the contracting penis muscle that controls our foreskin, but this adaption permits us to suck our feminine victim's blood through their uterus while in the throes of intercourse.
Our sperm has developed the unique ability to cauterize our victims so they do not bleed very much after coitus has been completed. Sadly, our victim's "pussy" might be sore for a few days, but afterwards they will be boasting that our sexual performance was a heady "fuck of a lifetime." Of course "tastes are tastes," as the Italians say, (gusti sono gusti), and whether we are fucking to suck blood from a woman's vagina or deep in some gay boy's butt, attached to his intestinal lining like a tapeworm, the results are much the same. We are nourished and they have the climax of a lifetime. Of course that brings on additional social problems we must navigate. Once we have had sex with them, they often become determined to marry us or keep us for themselves. We have various tricks to forestall their amorous addictions. You can figure that out for yourself.
Now what is good for the goose is good for the gander, or so they say. Female vamps have a similar mutation. Since both genders have this mutation, it would lead one to believe the genetic packet is tied to the x-chromosome. As you might expect, deep down the vaginal canal of a femvamp are a series of mini dentures and suckers that perform the same function on a penetrating penis as male vamp penises do within a human female's vaginal canal.
