This is just a silly story I made.
The clocked ticked 3pm, it was that awkward part of the day that was too far away from finishing time to be the home stretch, but not far enough to be in that sweet post lunch contentment. Time was dragging, Josie was a scientist and knew for a fact that the last minute was the standard 60 seconds, but somewhere she doubted that it really did consist of 60 and maybe 600, because it sure felt like that.
The phone hadn't rang for what felt like days, the email inbox was empty and no amount of refreshing the page was going to change how empty it was. She leant back in her chair and stared out the window to the sunny day outside, the smell of diesel wafted up from the street below, about 10 floors down someone was having engine problems, loudly.
The door busted open and Josie's gleeful partner strolled into the room with a big smile on her face and her phone in her hand like she was about to commit a robbery and her weapon of choice was an iPhone. Josie felt threatened, but at least it was a change to the mind numbing boredom.
"You won't believe what I found, it's a case!" yelled Gretchen, her wolf-like smile widening as she thrust her phone into Josie's face.
Josie adjusted her glasses to read the text on the small screen.
"...abandoned library home to infamous ghost." Josie read. "Well, what do you think?" Gretchen asked, her excitement was being propelled in every direction.
"It looks like a news article. It's not a case unless we're being paid by a client." Josie said, factually.
Gretchen's thinking was almost audible. "Josie, what if I told you there was a way to get paid to do this investigation, without actually solving the case." he replied, deviously.
"I'd say you were lying, but come on then. Let's hear it." Josie replied, her words full of the cynicism that only years of experience could permit.
"Well... this ghost is infamous right...."
"...Yes...?"
"And if we filmed ourselves interacting with it, we could make a lot of money on views."
Josie rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair, reaching across to the computer mouse and clicking on the refresh button, still nothing. "So, let me get this straight. You want us to film ourselves interacting with a ghost...", "Yup!"
"... that may or may not even be there."
"Oh it's there alright, I've got several witness testimonies."
Josie perked up a bit. "Oh really? Let's see." Gretchen forced a smile. "It's uh, quite a unique ghost." she replied.
Josie's scepticism reared it's head again, it wasn't that she didn't think the ghost would be unique, she just didn't trust her partner. With the speed of a lightning crack, Gretchen's phone made it into Josie's hands.
"The PHANTOM ASS EATER?! Oh for fuck's sake Gretchen, there's no fucking way this is real. This has to be a parody article." she said, scrolling down, her eyes went wide as she saw it was from a reputable outlet.
"What the fuck..." she said, digging deeper, following links and finding yet more corroborating evidence.
Gretchen was trying her hardest to contain a smile, there was a certain joy in being right that she didn't get to experience very often. She soaked it up whilst she could.
"This is insane. You're telling me that people go into this library and the ghost just... fucking... eat's their ass?!" Josie said, dropping the phone onto the pile of documents that cluttered the desk. She briefly turned her head and looked at her diploma's on the wall. Accolades and academic achievements looked down at her.
"The universe has to be messing with me." she finally said, defeated.
"So we're going tonight yeah?" Gretchen asked, mischievously.
Josie cast a glare at Gretchen. "It IS a ghost, the only one we've got a lead on in the area besides pipes in the attic and someone claiming they felt something briefly once. You've seen the report, there's like 5 witnesses..."
"Really Gretchen, the phantom fucking ass eater?" she said, exasperated.
"I don't think people are imagining their asses being eaten." Gretchen retorted.
It was a sign, she knew. She'd been chasing ghosts for years and had nothing to show for it, every house it was a winter breeze causing a window to creak, rats in the downstairs pantry making those rattling noises, or in one case, an actual squatter in their home that would eat their ice cream from the freezer. It was getting to the point that they either had to prove something or admit defeat and close down the office. They weren't paid to disprove things, they needed something.
Josie glanced up a the calendar and let out a deep sigh. Rent was due in a week.
"One night. One camera." she said.
"Oh good, my stuff is already in the car waiting, hurry up." Gretchen replied as she walked out the door.
Josie might have an IQ of 140 but she was constantly hopelessly outmatched by this adorable idiot, she knew before she entered the room that they would both be heading off tonight to chase the stupidest ghost she had ever heard of.
It took Josie a surprising amount of time to get all her gear into a bag for a vigil, it wasn't a case of packing clothes, it was all the highest technology in supposed ghost hunting tech. An Electromagnetic frequency meter that made an annoying noise when ghosts were supposedly in the area, it was a staple in ghost hunting though as useful as a smoke detector on bonfire night, it was constantly going off and the false readings made it unreliable. Next up was the "Spirit Radio" which was just a regular radio that would alternate through the channels very quickly to supposedly allow ghosts to communicate, however on the same level that a million monkeys with a million typewriters may eventually produce the works of Shakespeare; playing radio stations one after the other in quick succession would eventually produce some words that almost make sense. Other than these two questionable objects, the tools of the trade consisted of a night vision camera, some hand held microphones and voice recorders, an infrared attachment for the camera and a very sturdy torch.
Gretchen had only really brought what she considered to be the essentials, her phone charger, her night dress and a Nintendo Switch for when she got bored. Josie was going on an exploration into the realms of the supernatural and Gretchen was planning a slumber party. They were partners, but like a ventriloquist and their puppet, the amount of work each put into the act was uneven.
The library had a deep history that Josie read up on as Gretchen drove them to the location. It was erected in 1960 and was a library. Josie had never seen such a bland location before in her life, no one had even attempted to spice the place up or give it any kind of paranormal backstory, it was just a library until one day in 2003 when it suddenly wasn't.
However in the last few years a series of young adults, urban explorers and paranormal investigators had entered The Stokes Library and found themselves moist downstairs with no identifiable source to the unexplained moisture.
Josie was staring intently at her phone like she had just discovered the secrets of the universe and they didn't impress her. It wasn't like the internet to be scarce on details like this, the article even had "Ass Eater" in the title, why skimp on the details at this point? She tried flicking safe search on and off to see if that made a difference but all it did was sully her search history.
Then near the bottom of the page was a link to one of the paranormal investigation channels, which in turn had a link to a porn site. Josie turned down the volume on her phone, the last thing she needed was Gretchen giggling like a school girl at the sound of people clapping cheeks.
Against her better judgement, Josie put in her headphones and pressed play. A grainy video began playing, it was the foyer of the library at night, a green hue of a nightvision video was unmistakable at this point. The sound of heavy breathing could be heard as the cameraperson lead the viewer into another room where their breathing increased as they turned to face something in the corner of the room. Josie felt her heart rate increasing as the blurry object was brought into view. A green mass turned into a human shaped blob and eventually into a young man who had his jeans around his ankles, on his hands and knees, looking up into the camera. One of them shouted to the other and pleasured screams were heard as the eyes of the man in shot rolled up until his reflective pupils had vanished. Then the video ended.
"So what does the ghost do then?" Gretchen asked as they rode along into the old town.
"Well, it eat's asses. Said Josie, scientifically.
The drive didn't take long but the thoughts running through Josie's mind were only slightly unprofessional as the car pulled up to the disused library. The building seemed to look down on them as the van was parked outside it's large, foreboding front door. Two gargoyles seem to stare you down from either side of the door. 'no wonder this place is disused' though Josie as she got out and started gathering her things.
Whilst most of her scientific instruments were solely for her use, Gretchen was the camera-lady and she was surprisingly good at it for someone who couldn't focus on a single thought for more than a few seconds.
Gretchen sauntered up to the front door, ignoring the gargoyles completely and produced a key to open the front doors.
"You have a key?" Josie asked.
"Yeah, I contacted the last paranormal investigation team that went in and they hooked me up with the key." she replied.
"Did... uh, did they say anything about their experience?" Josie asked, shyly.
Gretchen turned and grabbed Josie's hand and pulled it to her chest and looked her deep in the eyes. "They said it was... unforgettable." Josie blushed hard and yanked her hand back as Gretchen burst out laughing.
"You dope." she replied, angrily.
