It was at this moment I realized that the countless hours of watching remote survivor shows, judging the contestants from the comfort of my couch, was wasted. I was lost. More than lost, I was angry. "I didn't even want to come on this stupid trip in the first place!" I muttered to myself. "Curse you and your unrealistic depictions of nature, national geographic!" I shouted into the nothingness of the trees surrounding me. With a sigh I trudged on, at least that gave me a chuckle. Taking in my surroundings I remarked that the dense tropical foliage had not changed in visual significance for some time. Progressing forward, I pushed through a particularly thick wall of vines with vague disinterest. I was so done with this place, more than done, I was utterly and completely over it.
Feeling a little hopeless, I spotted a dryish looking log and decided to take a break. I pulled my backpack around and downed a bit of my water canteen, "better try to conserve this, even though it's hot as hell," I muttered. The intense humidity of my tropical surroundings has seemed nice at first, but quickly turned into more of a bother when my clothes stuck to my skin in all sorts of unfortunate places. "Ughhhh." I groaned, letting my head fall into my hands, my body sagging in defeat. I must have been walking for hours by now. We started this morning's trek a little past dawn, trying to beat the oppressively hot climate. Spoiler, we didn't.
Seeing movement out of the corner of my eye, I turned slightly spotting a small gecko hopping out of the underbrush, coming to rest on the other side of my particular log. Stopping, as if suddenly aware of my presence, he stared up at me inquisitively. "Hello there, were you listening to my griping?" I questioned the small creature. He stared, unblinking in response. "I don't suppose you could tell me which direction is the closest road?" I inquired further. Turning his head, he gobbled up a crossing ant in reply. Carefully, I poured some of my precious water into the cap of my canteen, sliding it towards the curious reptile. He continued to eye me suspiciously before taking a few careful steps forward and sipping the water with a few quick projections of his sticky tongue. "Well, I expected as much. Still you're not too bad, I'll call you Ned." Ned was the name of my car's GPS back home, a device I took greatly for granted, I now realize when I needed its familiar guidance the most.
"Let me tell you Ned, this was not how I thought things would have gone." I began deciding that I would regale this little creature with how I became so utterly lost. "Let's start at the beginning, and what series of events led to my current predicament. My best friend, Greg, is getting married. Instead of having a normal bachelor party with strippers and booze, he opted for a backpacking adventure through remote parts of Southeast Asia." At this I chucked at the sheer ridiculousness of his idea of a relaxing vacation. "I know what you're thinking, a little over the top, am I right? Well, while supposedly crossing off a bucket list item for him, this trip is proving to be the bane of my existence. If I were the one getting married, let's just say I would have opted for a simple bourbon tour or something." Ned continued to stare at me, seemingly unfazed by my story.
"I remember Greg posing the plan to me clearly, this is his second marriage and his new fiancé is loaded, so why not splurge a little? Still, I have a long a list of other places I would have picked for an all-expenses paid vacation. Let me tell you." I signed in frustration. "Plus the food here is weird," I lamented. "Anyway, things started this morning normally enough. We all got up, ate some freeze dried crap in the name of "authenticity" (I even made the air quotes motion, to give Ned an accurate recollection of events), began our hike, heard very ominous noises coming from some very suspicious looking bushes, stupidly approached said noises, got the shit scared out of us by some very angry monkeys, and ran away, scattering like the pansies we were." I groaned again, "I honestly didn't think we had run that far but when I finally stopped to catch my breath, I couldn't find anyone else." Of course, I had tried shouting, cursing, and bargaining with the forest gods to help me find my group, but as this was a few hours into my solitude, I had run out of rational ideas.
"So, what do you think Ned, can you help me?" I questioned. My newfound companion continued to gaze at me, before in an act of surprising dexterity, licked his own eyeball, blinked one last time in my direction and scurried away in the same underbrush he had emerged from. My sigh deepened. "Your right Ned, I might as well keep going, this direction is as good as any" I said, brushing off my jeans while standing. I think my chat with Ned actually helped; at least now I was determined not to let myself completely lose hope and wallow in self-pity.
Thinking back, of course this would end poorly. I'm practically a city slicker, born and raised in Chicago. The most time I had spent outdoors in the past decade was kayak day trips with my friends. I got caught up in thought staring at the ground, trying to prevent another embarrassing faceplant. I had fallen pretty badly earlier in my wanderings resulting in two scraped knees, a bruised palm, and a severe blow to my pride. There had been four of us in total on this trip, Greg, myself, Brian (Greg's little brother) and Dan. We were all old college buddies, save Brian, and have been there for each other through it all. Though, 'it all' seemed to have been dominated by a series of really poor choices in women, mainly on Dan and Brian's part. I got my heart broken by my first love, a beautiful blonde I met at my first job right out of high school. When I proposed to her, she took the rock and ran, never to return my calls again. I should've known better; I did propose after only three months.
I shook my head in regret, the next several years flew by in a whirl, I was 'focusing on my career' and all that BS. Brian's first wife had been his college sweetheart, and when he inherited his dad's printing business, had taken him for all he was worth and split. That was before he met Tina on some ritzy dating site for business owners. Now life is all peaches and cream for them. Dan's love life was a revolving door of women, who now were much too young for him. Still, they were happy which is more than I can say for myself. "I swear, when I get out of this, I am hooking up with the most desperate Instagram thot and making all of them pay for this!" I resolved aloud to no one in particular. I continued for what seemed like an eternity, until I came upon a suspiciously similar log. "Ned, if you can hear me, this direction is terrible!" I spat condemningly, kicking the dirt, and pointing into the underbrush in which he had departed. "This is ridiculous" I mumbled, my anger returning, I let it fuel my steps driving myself deeper into a different, but still randomly chosen direction.
