Few words before the story. All characters are above 18 years old. This is my first longer and complete story. It might be a little slow at first but I think it builds the situation's that come later, quite well. I would love to hear any feedback and maybe ideas what to change in the future. Have a good reading!
Leaving the apothecary, I felt the whole day of walking working wonders on my back, the familiar dull pain in my lower back made me stop for a moment. At least I finally can go back home. Visit to my new psychiatrist went quickly and smoothly, unfortunately for me, the apothecary was just a few streets away. With the meds I need for my sleep in my bag, I just need to walk down the street to a bus stop.
The gray sky above finally stopped pouring rain down but there was no sun in sight. Unfamiliar streets before me were wet and full of people, like always in the big city. I'm not used to it, the crowd of people that goes with their own day, like a sea of faceless figures, always busy with their own things. Moving to the bigger city was a good idea at first but I didn't know that getting used to the new environment would be so slow and hard. The bus stop had few people underneath it, so I stood next to it, waiting for my bus. I didn't like to be part of a crowd. Unfortunately my bus under the number of 117 would not be so quick to arrive, but at least the weather was not as bad as before. Yet, I felt weird. The feeling of being alone was much higher than usual, even though I stood in between such a crowd of people. Not only that but a feeling arose in the back of my head that someone was looking at me.
That is why I needed to visit the psychiatrist. My social anxiety grew more every day after I entered adulthood, moving to the city. Not only that, my sleep was often interrupted with nightmares about... I don't even know. The best solution right now is to use the sleeping meds I got and finally get a night of proper sleep. The only silver lining was that I was working from home. I don't even want to imagine what would happen if I actually was working in the office!
The bus finally arrived and people rushed in with me in between. All the seats were already taken so I just stood and grabbed the yellow metallic railing. The bus moved and I just looked through the window, glancing at the wash of all colors of old buildings mixed in between with the newer ones, or the buildings that were renovated. The boring architecture of the newer modern buildings painted a bleak picture of the city. I expected more, but maybe it is just the weather that is mostly distorting the image of them. But one thing didn't change still, the feeling of someone's eyes drilled into the back of my head. My body froze in place so as to not show it. I wanted to turn around and scan the bus but that would make me a target of people's attention.
After standing like that for the next few minutes, my stop finally arrived and I quickly left, not without shooting a curious gaze into the back of the bus, and maybe it was just my imagination, but the tall person, much taller than those around them, looked at me with their yellow eyes from below the wide hat. But maybe I'm getting paranoid again, like the time I was riding to school in my hometown, always hearing kids laughing behind me in the last row's, thinking it might be about me. In the perspective of the time I know it wasn't real. Perhaps old habits return slowly but that will not demotivate me.
Taking steps forward to my house, or rather my apartment that was built into a bigger housing complex, I reached the green walls of the block before mine, and walked below the small tunnel made in the middle of the building. The neighbourhood was quiet and rather uneventful, hidden in between the same looking green multi-family blocks, all three stories tall, with three doors leading to the staircase. My place is in the very first staircase in the middle block, before it there is a pretty looking small park in between the buildings. One large tree gave a shadow from above to the two small wooden benches below, as well as covering the sun from reaching my bedroom window in the morning. The same little park was also behind the block, rendering my apartament in darkness most of the sunny days, but it was not a problem, due to my line of work. Lack of direct sunlight shining into the display of my computer was a positive trait of the place.
Walking past the tree I took my key off and reached to the new looking door with a big window in them, past them were stairs leading up. Walking in I also saw the basements on the right, the stairs leading to the darkness looked quite unappealing but that was the case for any basement for me. I still remember the time when I was just a kid and my mom sent me to the basement for milk. It was like traveling into the darkest dungeon I knew, with the longest corridor with no lights, an empty void reaching to me before I could flip the light switch, for just a little comfort. But to return up and not make my parents mad I needed to turn off the light on my way up, and to do that would mean to turn my back to the darkness. I always ran like crazy, once even falling on the stairs just because of that. There were never any monsters there. It was just my imagination acting up like it always did. But the familiar fear never went away as I now walked past the basement stairs and took the staircase up.
My apartament stood on the highest floor. The windows on the staircase shone the shadows of the dancing leaves from the tree in my wooden door, painting them in an image like it was some kind of magical castle entrance. I gently put the key into them and unlocked my safe place, finally being able to rest.
My place maybe is not the biggest one but at least it is everything I need. Just as I walk in, the living room on my right opens for me with the big window in the middle of the wall opposite of me, small balcony with its glass door on the side opposite of me, connecting the window with the kitchen where the open doorless entrance was before me. I took my boots off and put the jacket on the wooden hang. My living room was also working as my office, working from home had its perks and with it I could enjoy the quietness and peace of my four walls. The blue walls of my living room fit the darker furniture quite well, and even mixed with the exception of that rule, my white bookshelf just behind my desk that my computer was on. My work place that was covered now in white paper sheets and ugly colourless folders. At least my flowers that were happily resting between the balcony doors and the window were colourful enough to make the room into something more lively. White roses, purple chrysanthemum and pinkish orquideas, my favourites.
I walked past the living room and turned to my left, to the corridor that had two doors in it. On my left, my bathroom, small and tidy with a shower and wc and everything the bathroom needs, on my right, on the very end of the corridor the door to my bedroom stood. Walking in the smell of dump old clothes hit me, forgetting I should finally clean the place in the morning, as well forgetting about opening the window. Living alone maybe was not hard but little things like this seemingly never got away from my everyday life. The clothes laid next to the wardrobe, next to me as I walked in. Opposite the wall, the window was covered in the shadows of the outside tree, and those shadows danced on my bed in the middle. I never liked sleeping on small beds or couches so I got myself, with monetary help from my parents, the bigger two person bed. It helped to bear with the nightmares and sleepless nights.
I threw my bag on the bed and sat down on it, sighing. I wish I could watch TV right now but I don't have one. Separating the bedroom from any computer or laptop was my psychiatrist's idea but right now I didn't know if that was such a good idea. In my mind was already plan forming, as I would just lay down and spend the rest of the day in my bed with my laptop under the hand, watching some stupid videos just to kill the time. But my plan couldn't fully form as my mind wondered, feeling uncomfortable. The same feeling came back, as if someone was just looking at me.
No time for this. I will not let my anxiety control my everyday life. And looking at the time, it is a perfect hour to make myself lunch. Walking away I turn to the kitchen to wash my hands in the sink. My kitchen was quite bigger than I expected at first when I moved in, it was perfect for my needs in fact. With no table and just build in fully equipped kitchen furniture against the wall and with the fridge against the wall in the corner.
With minutes passed I started to prepare a piece of the chicken breast with spices and some rice. Swiftly cutting it into the parts and now on the pan the meat sizzled against the warm oil and my mind rested on the idea of an already made meal. The rice was already boiling, soon to be perfect. The warmth of the fire and boiling oil was smothered from the cold feeling of someone looking at me, like a drill making a hole in the back of my head. I quickly turned around to the doorway but there was nothing. Nothing closer or further at the main door. Emptiness, like always. I turned and finished the meal, slowly and carefully to not hurt myself, awaiting the same feeling to come back but I did not feel it again. At this point I couldn't wait to take meds and fall asleep, to finally end the day. But meal first.
I wish I could fully enjoy the food but the weird anomaly that was happening with my anxiety was tiring enough to make me stressed, the not so happy weather outside made me sleepy. After the meal I just left the dishes in the sink and took a quick shower before laying in my bed with no thought in my mind. The soft mattress under me felt like a cloud as I sank into it, my whole body felt heavy as ever. But the memory of the awful nightmares came back as I felt the sleep setting in. With my pinch of strength I turned and grabbed my bag from the floor beside the bed, taking the small orange tube with the meds. I opened it, took one pill and placed the closed tube on the bedside desk beside my phone, the pill went to my mouth and I swallowed it. Now I can finally sleep and perhaps even in peace.
