Chapter One
March 2, 2019
Cole House had 99 problems, but the son of a bitch driving the Hummer next to him on Interstate 5 was not one of them, nor did he anticipate that he would become a problem. Unfortunately, the asshole did not know this yet. He was doing his best to become a problem.
It was late afternoon on a beautiful March day north of San Diego. Cole was in the middle of another day of driving ride share for Uber, his chosen occupation since his "professional" job had evaporated three months earlier. He enjoyed rideshare because it gave him a chance to do many of his favorite pastimes; drive his Mercedes E350, listen to his playlists, meet interesting people and mostly just think about his life.
Cole had been cruising in the right line between rides. Driving the speed limit and generally ignoring the traffic around him. As he was passing an onramp for Grand Avenue, the Hummer came speeding up the ramp and settled in beside Cole. As the ramp was nearing the point where it merged with the right freeway lane, there was an uncomfortable moment where it became apparent that someone ws going to have to yield to prevent a sideswiping accident. Normally, Cole was a courteous driver. Whenever he saw situations like this about to occur he would take his foot off the accelerator, signal and change lanes if traffic permitted. If traffic didn't allow a lane change. He would slow enough to let the approaching car merge comfortably ahead of him. Life was full of enough aggression in business and relationships. In his car he created a sanctuary of calm.
That was his normal behavior. In this case, things were a little different. The asshole had three strikes against him by the time the uncomfortable moment occurred. First, he came up the ramp at a speed that Cole estimated was 20 miles per hour above the speed limit, which lead to the intersection of his vector with Cole's at the end of the ramp. Second, he was driving a Hummer. Who in the fuck needed an imitation military vehicle on a US freeway, or any road that was not in a certified war zone? Third, he had a vanity place which read L8TRBRU. Cole detested vanity plates. He loathed the pronoun "bruh" and he had absolute contempt for the use of numbers in place of words.
Now to be fair, Cole didn't know about the vanity plate when the incident occurred. However, that didn't change the fact that he had it. And as he considered the incident later in the evening, it made sense to him to include the plate in his justification for his actions. And the first of his actions was to decide that he was not going to yield even one inch to this asshole. So when the asshole ran onto the shoulder, laid on his horn and slammed on his brakes, Cole's second action was to change the playlist he was listening to something a bit less chaotic. The asshole then swerved on to the right-hand lane and accelerated until he was mere feet behind Cole's car and again laid on the horn. Cole issued a silent prayer of thanks for German auto engineering. The Benz remained nearly as silent as a tomb save for the Bossa Nova music streaming from the Harmon Kardon speakers.
The status remained unchanged for two miles and might have remained that way until one of them (most assuredly the gas guzzling behemoth) ran out of fuel. The status quo changed when Cole's ride share app chimed at him and let him know that he had a ride waiting and to please take the next exit. Cole accepted the ride, checked his mirrors and signaled his intention to exit. The asshole made his third mistake of the afternoon when he exited right behind Cole (without signaling) and proceeded to follow Cole for a half mile until Cole pulled up in front of the appointed address. At this point, Cole activated his emergency flashers and pressed the app button to indicate that he had arrived. The asshole was still right behind him on this quiet, residential street.
Cole decided at this point that enough was enough. He unlocked his door, unbuckled his seatbelt, opened his door, reached under his seat to remove the Heckler and Koch MP5K submachine gun. Then he stepped out of his car and without a word proceeded to unleash approximately 90 rounds into the abomination of a vehicle behind him and the asshole who was staring at him from the driver's seat. This required him to reload twice. At this point, his customer came out of the front door of her house and carefully surveyed the scene in front of her.
Blink
As Cole was pressing the "I've arrived" button, the asshole was exiting the Hummer and walking up to Cole's car. Cole noted his appearance in his side view mirror. He was overweight, had a comb over, mirrored aviators and a Members Only jacket. In other words, it looked like this asshole just stepped out of a cheesiest casino from the bad side of Vegas. Did they still make Members Only jackets?
Cole was afraid that his future passenger might get the wrong impression and subsequently give him a low rating if she witnessed a confrontation, so he decided to short circuit the situation. He powered down his window and as the asshole approached him Cole said, in a calm and reasonable voice as he held up his cell phone for the asshole to see "I've already keyed in 911. I only need to press send. I have front and rear video in my car and will be happy to show it to the police when the arrive. I suggest that before you say anything, you think about this for about two seconds. Then I want you to wave to the nice lady walking down from her house, and then go back to your pretentious piece of shit vehicle and exit this location. But obey he speed limits and come to a full stop at the signs."
The asshole started to say something, so I held up the phone and placed my thumb right over the send button. He walked back to the hummer and entered at the same time as Janice, who looked not a day over 72, entered the back seat of the Benz.
As Janice was fastening her safety belt, the asshole slowly cruised by me on the left. As he went by, he lowered his passenger side window and gave me the finger. I reached into the glove box and removed the hand grenade I kept there for emergencies. I pulled the pin and tossed it into the assholes window, to his comical surprise. As I pulled away, I felt rather than saw the concussive blast of....
Rewind
I reached into the glovebox and removed the white phosphorus grenade I kept there for emergencies. I pulled the pin and tossed the grenade into the assholes window, to his comical looking surprise. As I pulled away, the lengthening shadows from the setting sun were all put erased as the willie pete grenade exploded, sending the Hummer to vehicle hell and hopefully eradicating the last remaining Members Only jacket from existence.
Blink
Cole let the Hummer pull away and counted to ten before he left in the opposite direction.
"Who was that man?" asked Janice.