After the debacle in the lecture theatre, where the whole class had watched while Phil's succubus sucked the life out of another student, Phil was not entirely surprised to receive a summons to The Scrote's office. Accompanied by Verdé, he walked along twisted corridors in the north tower until he arrived at a small antechamber before the leather-padded door that led to The Scrote's office. The skinny girl with droopy blonde hair was sitting on a bench outside the door and looked thoroughly miserable.
"You in the doghouse too?" Phil asked.
The girl nodded.
"Mr Buggeritall pooped in his hands and threw it at Ms Saunders, the cook," she said.
An ugly squat form jumped up and perched on the shoulder of the blonde girl.
"Bitch had it coming, toots," the imp said.
Mr Buggeritall looked like a cartoon demonic imp. He was about a foot high, dark brown in colour and had no neck. He stood on short and stumpy legs. In contrast his arms were long and simian in proportion, and also heavily muscled in comparison to the rest of him. He had a stubby pair of black horns and two equally stubby tusks jutted out of the corners of a wide mouth. The imp gave off an unpleasant vibeâlike being trapped at a bar by a fat man with a questionable sense of humour.
"If people give you shit, you give 'em shit right back," Mr Buggeritall said, jerking a thumb back to his puffed out chest.
The imp noticed Verdé standing at Phil's side. His smile widened to a leer. A hand reached down to stroke a cock that was definitely not in proportion to the imp's small stature.
"Well if it isn't the boy who came, and came, and came," the imp said. "Not that I blame you." The imp gave Phil a lascivious wink. "I'd be filling her up with my man juice every night too if I had the opportunity."
"Don't be gross," the girl said.
She flipped the imp off her shoulder and it bounced first on its ass and then on its head as it skidded across the stone floor. Completely unconcerned, the imp got up, grunted, brushed itself off and then walked back to the girl. It climbed right back up the girl's body until it had found a perch on top of her head. Then it let rip with a noisy fart that was powerful enough to blow the limp strands of the girl's hair.
The girl screwed her eyes shut and ground her teeth in embarrassment.
"Wasn't me," the imp protested.
"I'm sorry," the girl said to Phil. "I'm Adriana and this is Mr Buggeritall."
"Phil," Phil said. "This is Verdé."
Adriana shrank away from Verdé in fear before saying, "Oh, you're the other one, aren't you?"
"Yes," Verdé said, giving her a warm smile.
It eased Adriana's fears a little, although she was still reluctant to get too close to the succubus. This proved a source of much frustration to the imp perched on top of her head. Mr Buggeritall had his hands outstretched like pincers to grope at Verdé's breasts. Inevitably he overbalanced and fell to the floor with an "oof!"
Adriana shook her head.
"He's always like this," she said. She reached down and scooped him up off the floor before placing him back on her shoulder.
"Feculoid Imps can be most trying," Verdé said, sympathetic.
"How did you end up with him?" Phil asked. He found it hard to believe she'd summoned him voluntarily.
"I fell asleep in a meadow on a summer's day," Adriana said. "I had a strange dream and when I woke up he came back with me. He's been with me ever since."
"It's my magnetic sex appeal," the imp said. From somewhere, Phil had no idea where, Mr Buggeritall produced a fat stogie and started puffing away on it.
"Mr Garner said I'm Naturally Attuned," Adriana said. "He told me about warlocks and daemons and that I might learn how to control them here."
"Control me!" Mr Buggeritall spluttered. "You can't even control your hair. Look at it." He grabbed a fistful of limp hair the colour of straw. "No life at all. It's droopy. Just like you, toots. The boys are never going to look at you."
Adriana ground her teeth. She picked him up again and threw him across the room like an ugly doll. She sat slumped on the bench with her long hair drifting in front of her face.
"People choose to summon these things," she said. "I still don't believe it."
Verdé got up and sat on the other side of Adriana. She ran a hand through the other girl's limp blonde hair.
"There there," she comforted. "Feculoid imps are disgusting uncouth little things. I imagine dealing with one on a daily basis would be most stressful."
Adriana's eyes glazed over as Verdé lightly caressed her cheek. The succubus moved closer. Her hands slid down to Adriana's shoulders and began to massage them.
"Not all daemons are like that," Verdé said, continuing to rub Adriana's shoulders. The other girl seemed to melt under her hands. "Some of us have more useful talents. We can make you feel relaxed."
Adriana seemed entranced. She gave a little shiver of pleasure as Verdé's hand moved across her front and brushed against her breast.
"Make you feel pleasant," Verdé whispered into Adriana's ear with sensual lips.
Verdé's hand slid lower. She turned Adriana's face towards her and pursed full lips in preparation for a kiss.
An ugly brown shape came between them.
"Get your skanky succubus claws off my Adriana."
Mr Buggeritall leant out from Adriana's shoulder and glared at Verdé. His heavy lower jaw was set like a bulldog's.
Verdé smiled and took her hands back. The imp continued to glare at her. Verdé met his stare and nodded, which seemed to mollify the other daemon.
The door to The Scrote's office opened.
"Ah, there you are, boy," The Scrote said. "Come here."
Phil and Verdé stood up. The succubus slipped an arm around Phil's waist and they both walked through the door.
The Scrote's office was dark and cluttered with all manner of exotica and lewd artefactsâpornography that had aged enough to pick up an aura of near respectability. A little like The Scrote, Phil thought. The Head of Daemonological studies sat behind a luxury wooden table. Behind him were various pictures on the wall of sexy daemonesses doing very...creative...things to human victims.
"I assume you know why you've been summoned here," The Scrote said.
"John Brennan?" Phil said.
The Scrote nodded. He looked at Verdé.
"It was the other one, not you?" he asked.
Verdé nodded.
"Where is she?"
"She's otherwise engaged," Verdé said. "She's very sorry about what happened."
The Scrote stared at Verdé from beneath his curtains of greasy black hair.
"It's customary to add 'and it won't happen again' at this point," he said.
"Is it?" Verdé said, an expression of complete innocence on her face.
She didn't add it.
The Scrote continued to stare at Verdé.
"There's something familiar about you," he said. "I feel I should know who you are but I can't put my finger on it."
"A past love maybe?" Verdé said. "We succubi pick up on subconscious desires and modify our appearance to match them."
Phil looked sideways at Verdé. Her face hadn't changed as far as he could tell.
"Where are you from?" The Scrote asked.
"The forty-fourth sub-plane near the base of the Spiral of Sinful Seductae," Verdé replied.
The Scrote frowned. "Haven't heard of it."
"It's a really out-of-the-way corner of hell," Verdé said, flashing him a schoolgirl smile. "Nothing much ever happens there."
The Scrote nodded, seemingly satisfied for now.
"Now about Brennan," The Scrote said. "Normally we disapprove of students allowing their daemons to kill their fellow classmates, but in this case the disciplinary committee recognises that it was Mr Brennan's rather reckless experiment that precipitated these unfortunate events. The school absolves you of any culpability and Mr Brennan's death has been ruled an accident."
The Scrote smiled at Phil, displaying his rotten teeth.
"Personally I'm inclined to regard it as suicide," he said. "A man messing with another man's succubus is clearly not looking to live very long. However, the rest of the committee decided that was a harsh ruling, especially as the Brennans have worked tirelessly for Wargsnouts over many generations. Accident it was, brought about by Mr Brennan's ill-advised experiment. The Brennan family have accepted the committee's judgment that you're not to blame. They will not seek reparations."
"So that's it?" Phil said.
On one hand he was very relieved he wasn't about to be punished for this. On the other he thought it more than a little scary that a daemon could kill a student right in front of everyone and there be no repercussions.
"Yes, that's all," The Scrote said. "Daemonology is a dangerous business. Accidents, even terminal ones, are to be expected."
The Scrote gave Verdé an ugly lustful leer. A normal woman would have looked away with a disgusted expression. Instead Verdé returned his greasy stare with a flirty smile. Succubi really didn't care, Phil thought.
"Succubi are capricious, promiscuous beings," The Scrote said to Phil. "They can be hard daemons to master, especially for a novice and especially when there's two of them."
Try five, Phil thought. And maybe more if you included Puff and Pfaffle.