As the darkness lifted and his eyes slowly opened, the patient was conscious once more. His eyes flickered in the blinding sunlight streaming into the sterile hospital room. Dr. Romeu's smiling face brought him back to reality. Now, if only he could remember his "new" name!
"Good morning! Things got a little complicated at one point, but your transformation is now complete."
"You mean I'm..."
"That's right, Blair Croftsford the third, from a long line of royal princes. How do you feel?"
"Sore!" The newly christened Blair Croftsford managed to squeak out.
"You'll get used to it!" Dr. Romeu reassured his latest creation. "I've taken off most of the bandages, so you can give me your final approval."
Dr. Romeu held up a small mirror in front of the half awake patient. Blair's eyes nearly popped out of his body and the hair on his arms stood up on edge. Gone was his former pudgy face with the double chin. In its place was perfectly parted russet blond hair, an aqualine nose, and sparkling white teeth. He looked like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford in their 30's.
"Oh my GOD! You're a genius!" Blair couldn't stop staring at his new very handsome self.
"Thank you!" Dr. Romeu nodded and smiled profusely. "But this is just the beginning. I did a liposuction on your gut and got rid of quite a bit of your chest hair. Even experimented a little with your larynx...you know, so you could have a new voice."
"I do sound a little different." Blair wasn't quite used to his slightly higher pitched voice, yet knew it was a step up from his former gravelly intonation.
"You'll be quite sore for a week or so." Dr. Romeu tried to look sympathetic. "If anyone notices the scars just say you had to have your Appendix out."
"Uh..sure..I guess." Blair was still overwhelmed by his new body, not quite believing his old self was simply a memory.
"I'll be back in a little bit. Try to relax." Dr. Romeu shuttled away to check his other patients, leaving Blair time to think.
What was his former name? Oh yes...of course, Jack Stanley. He had lived as the hapless Jack Stanley for 32 years, a misshapen lump of a man that sent little children fleeing and caused old ladies to shake their heads. Although Jack made plently of money from his mail order business in baseball cards, he was the most miserable man on earth. Convinced by constant teasing in High School that he was the runt of the litter, Jack completely lost confidence in himself. His social life with his buddies was okay, but nothing much was happening in the romance department. That is, until he crossed paths with Denise Ropartz.
Jack went to Bingo every Thursday night at his church religiously. The crowd was generally boisterous old women, but once in a while someone his age attended. This special Thanksgiving session was quite a draw, luring over 100 people to the uncomfortable benches and droning announcer. As Jack took his usual seat toward the back, where the fewest possible people could see him, a flash of blond hair caught his eye. There, only one bench away was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.
All of her features were competing for his attention, but the first thing he noticed was her very cute dimples, complemented by a perky nose and lovely blue-green eyes. Her hair was flaxen and buoyant, looking like the models from a shampoo commercial. But nothing could compare to her smile, melting his heart immediately and turning his brain to mush.
"Hi, I'm Jack!" He extended his hand, half expecting her to recoil in response.
"And I'm Denise...I just moved here."
"Uh...Welcome." Jack was completely tongue tied.
"Thanks, would you like to sit over here?" Denise gestured to the edge of the bench to her left.
"Uh...s-sure." Jack felt like a Freshman in High School on his first date.
Nothing much happened that first night. Denise was friendly, and smiled at Jack every so often as if they shared some wonderful secret. Jack actually had enough courage to invite her to a church dance the following weekend, and almost fell off his seat when she accepted. That night was even better, and as the music slowed their bodies melted together as one, but something was gnawing at Jack the whole time. Denise couldn't possibly like his looks, she was just being polite. It was just a matter of time before she rejected him, just like every other woman had. The self doubts gnawed at Jack so much he couldn't even concentrate. He was vaguely aware of Denise mentioning something about meeting her family, but he shrugged it off. Why would anyone want to meet a hunchback that looked like a cross between Walter Matthau and Jack Klugman? Denise seemed very confused at the end of the evening as Jack hurried off, muttering something about seeing her at Bingo next week. In his dejected state, he hadn't even noticed her concern.
The next day Jack was moping around the house watching dopey made for television movies when he happened upon an unusual advertisement in the weekly program guide. It was a full page announcement and had a prominent border in an archaic ornate style:
"Change your life! Dr. Romeu's beauty secrets will reveal your lovely inner self with minimally invasive plastic surgery. Tired of those ugly jowls? Embarrassed by multiple chins? Frustrated by a beer gut? Look no more. Dr. Romeu guarantees success, or your money back. Call today for more details. You too, can be REBORN!!"
Jack read every word of the ad three times, convinced he was being spoken to by deities from above. He called the number immediately and made an appointment to see Dr. Romeu. To his great surprise, the busy surgeon agreed to a consultation immediately. The two men hit it off from the very beginning, and Jack could hardly wait to get started.
"How long before I look like Robert Redford?"
"There there boy, calm down." Dr.Romeu placed a bony hand on Jack's shoulder. I have a lot of work to do, but I think you will be very pleased with the result. First, I'll be taking off all the excess fat from your abdomen. Then, I'll permanently remove some of your thick chest hair. Women don't like apes you know!"
"Do I ever!" Jack nodded.
"Then, I will give you an entirely new nose, mouth, teeth, and hair, and even change your voice."
"Whoa!" Jack could not believe his ears. "Won't all this hurt?"
"You'll be sore for a week or so, then will be completely ready for your new life."
"What about..." Jack faltered a little "my name?"
"Oh yes, I've taken care of that as well. When you wake up all evidence of Jack Stanley will have been erased from the earth. You will engineer your own disappearance and simply be listed as "missing." After a couple of years of looking for you, no one will bother anymore and that will be the end of it."
Jack looked at Dr. Romeu quizzically, waiting for him to finish.
"Oh yes...your name...I have chosen Blair Croftsford."
"Blair Croftsford" Jack repeated slowly, a huge smile forming on his face.
"I've arranged for Blair Croftsford to come complete with a sterling credit record, so you can relocate with no problem."
"Relocate." The gravity of what he was about to do was slowly sinking in. Suddenly glad his parents were deceased and that he was an only child, Jack signed his old name for the last time on the dotted line.
"Good!" Dr. Romeu was radiant. I propose we get started tomorrow."
"T-T-omorrow." Jack couldn't believe everything was happening so quickly.
