Precious Monster

"'It's no use going back to yesterday. I was a different person then.'"

-Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"

***

"I know people are afraid of me," Lily said. "And I understand why. So I won't take it personally if you prefer not to work with me directly."

Ashe's pen scratched across her notebook. She looked up only occasionally. The room was blank, white, antiseptic, marked only by the dull sheen of the one-way mirror. Lily wore a hospital gown; it was the smallest size the clinic had but it hung off her like a sail. She had electric blue eyes and shiny copper hair and freckles and looked exactly like a ragdoll. She toyed with a loose thread while she talked.

"I'm just saying that if you want to talk with me through the glass partition or even through my cell window, that's all right," Lily continued. "You won't hurt my feelings. Most of the doctors don't like being in the same room with me. Some of them don't even like to look at me on the monitors."

"How does that make you feel?" Ashe said.

"It's okay," Lily said. Her voice brimmed with geniality. "I wouldn't want to be around someone like me either."

"What do you mean 'someone like you'?" The pen scratched some more.

"Don't you know?" Lily said. "You must know, since you read my file, and anyway, everyone knows." She smiled; it was a tiny, beautiful, completely sincere gesture.

"I'm a monster," she said.

***

Ashe rewound the video and played it a second time. The director of medicine sat at her desk on the other side of the office and the assistant director (who, like Ashe, was new, having arrived that very morning) hovered over her.

"My God," he said, "she's as bad of a mess as everyone says."

Ashe ignored him, focusing on the recording.

"Who was the first person to use that word with you: 'monster'?" she heard herself say.

"My mother," Lily's voice said. "Or maybe my father? It had to be one of them. I'm sure it's in the file."

"Where are your parents now?"

"Papa hung himself. That's when I was..." On the video she furrowed her brow, tugging one ruby-red lip in thought. "Five. Yes, five years old. And then Mama brought me here. She's dead now too."

"Lily, do you think you're dangerous?"

"Oh yes."

"Have you ever killed anyone?"

"Goodness gracious, no!"

"Ever hurt anyone?"

"Of course not. And I never would. Oh no. The very thought!"

"But you still say you're dangerous?"

"Terribly dangerous. Nobody should even come near me." She sounded somehow pleased. Ashe turned the tape off. She finished making notes before turning to the director.

"How long has she been like this?" Ashe said.

"All her life. All her life here, anyway, which is all the life she really ever had," the director said. "Her parents were terrified of her. I really think they might have killed her if we hadn't agreed to commit her here full-time. It was that bad."

"What were they frightened of?"

"They never would say. They just called her a monster."

"Did anyone ever suggest treating them instead of her?" asked the AD.

"Of course. We had spectacular arguments over it and they were under investigation from the child welfare services. Then they died and settled the matter."

Ashe fanned herself with Lily's file. It was almost too thick to hold. "And in fifteen years she's had how many primary physicians?"

"At least a dozen," the director said. "Most of them don't last a year. It's a troubling case. It takes a heavy toll."

"I've talked to the clinic staff and what she says is true," the AD chimed in. "Most of them don't even like being around her. She makes them...uncomfortable."

"And how does she make you feel?" Ashe asked.

The AD squirmed.

"That's why you're here," the director said. She moved to the window and her view of clinic's western wing, where Lily lived. "I've spent my entire career looking for someone who can get through to her. If you can do that...well, I suppose that would just about be a miracle."

She closed the blinds.

"And for a miracle worker, a lot of doors can open up. A lot of things that, under normal circumstances, couldn't be done, would suddenly become quite a bit more..." She hesitated. The AD chimed in:

"Plausible."

Ashe felt a little thrill. She gathered up her notes, and the file, and the tapes.

"Our facilities are entirely at your disposal," the director said. "You're here as an outside specialist, which means you report to me and no one else. The only things we can't give you access to are the notes left by Lily's previous primaries. We had an agreement with each of them."

"But how will I treat her without knowing her full case history?"

"If we see you pursuing a dead end we'll notify you. Lily's case is sensitive. Every treating physician needs to feel they have complete freedom to try unorthodox methods. A privilege you'll enjoy now, too."

"I...understand," Ashe said. "And I want to say--"

"Save it," said the director. Then, perhaps seeing how startled Ashe was, her voice softened a bit. "I meant, save it for later. After you've worked with her for a while you might find that you don't want to thank me." And she ushered Ashe out with a handshake and an oddly solemn "Thank you."

Ashe and the AD shared an awkward elevator ride down together. He tried to make small talk. It wasn't much of an effort. The clinic couldn't set Ashe up with quarters on the grounds, so instead they found her an apartment on the outskirts of the city, a 45-minute drive. Everything was still in boxes but she didn't bother to unpack, or even to eat (although she was famished) before playing the tapes again. This time she read back her notes from the interview as the tape ran, to assess her own reactions.

"Have you had a lot of doctors?" Ashe said on the tape.

"How many is a lot?" Lily said.

"Did you like your other doctors?"

"I liked Dr. Benway. He was very kind," Lily said. "But he's not here anymore."

Here Ashe had put her notebook away. "Lily, there's something I want you to know, and I'm telling you because I think we should both be completely honest with one another."

Lily folded her hands in her lap and looked attentive.

"You should know that I'm not a real doctor. I've had all the schooling but I could never pass the final examinations. The clinic brought me in to work with you because some of my university work made them think I might be able to help. It's a special arrangement."

"That's kind of you," Lily said. "And if you help me, will they let you become a real doctor?"

Ashe paused. "Yes," she said. "But that's not the reason I'm here. I'm here because I really care about your case."

"You're very sweet," Lily said, and she gave a full smile now, a bright, dazzling, 50-watt movie star-style smile. "Can I still call you Dr. Ashe?"

"If you want to. As long as you know it's not true."

Lily leaned in a little. "It'll be our little secret," she said. And she giggled.

***

Lily's Diary, Day 1:

Dr. Ashe asked me to write things in this book every day. She says that she will not read it, and that neither will anyone else, but I do not understand why you would ever write words that no one was going to read. I think if you leave words around someone is bound to read them sooner or later. But I will do what Dr. Ashe asks. I do not think my doctor would ever tell me to do something that was not good for me.

I do not know what to write in a message to no one. Dr. Ashe said I should think of it as a message to myself, but what can I write that I do not already know? Dr. Ashe does not seem like the other doctors I have had. She says that she cannot help me, but she can teach me to help myself. She said that, with things like this book, she can teach me how to know everything about myself.

I do not think it would be good to know everything about myself. I think the idea is scary.

Dr. Ashe said that I should write my dreams. I do not have dreams. But I know that a dream can also mean a wish, so I wish that Dr. Ashe will find a way to help me before she has to stop being my doctor, like all the others.

***

Another awkward elevator ride with the AD. He had walked her to her car the previous night and asked her to dinner, and Ashe had said no. Now he said nothing except a polite "Good morning." He checked his phone twice in the time it took to pass four floors.

"Is she waiting for me?" Ashe said.

"Everything is the way you wanted," the AD said.

"Thank you," Ashe said, and was surprised to see him blush.

Lily was in the same interview room they'd met in yesterday. A guard was posted at the door, and she knew two others would observe from behind the mirror. Lily always had three guards at all times, though Ashe did not know why. It was related to one of her previous doctors, and therefore the details were off-limits. The clinic staff considered guarding Lily the least desirable assignment, even worse than toilet duty.

Lily sat with hands folded, waiting. When she saw Ashe she lit up with another movie-star smile. She never blinks, Ashe realized. She suspected that if she watched the previous day's tapes very closely she would find that Lily blinked only once every two minutes, maybe less. Ashe sat. It was impossible to get comfortable in these chairs, but they didn't seem to give Lily any trouble. Maybe after a lifetime you can get used to anything, she thought.

"We're going to have a little talk," she said. "You can think of it as a kind of game." Lily was attentive. "I'm going to ask you some questions about what you think you might do in the situation I describe, and you should answer honestly and as fast as you can. Do you understand?"

Lily nodded; her bangs bounced.

'All right: If you saw a homeless person on the street--"

"Oh, I wouldn't be on the street," Lily said.

"But if you were?"

"I wouldn't be."

"Why not?"

"It's too dangerous. For everyone else."

Ashe pondered for a moment. "Pretend that it wasn't. Pretend that everyone else in the world was like you."

"You mean...everyone would be a monster?"

Ashe flinched at the word but let it slide, "Yes. Imagine that's true for all of these."

Lily looked as if this were a lot for her to take in, but she nodded again.

"Imagine someone on the street asks you for money because he can't eat. Would you give it to him?"

"Why would he have to eat?"

"People get hungry."

"I don't. And you said everyone was like me in these questions."

"You would get hungry if the clinic ever forgot to feed you."

"I don't eat. Ever."

Ashe paused. She leafed through the file. There was a section at the end marked "physical abnormalities." She had only skimmed it before because she was sure it must be riddled with errors, based on what she'd already seen. She looked for the section marked "diet." It consisted of only one word: None.

What in the world...?

"Never mind then. Next question: If you were hurt and needed help, who is the first person you would call?"

"I don't think anyone would help me if I was really hurt. I think most of them would probably think it was a good thing." She paused. "But I guess if I really needed help I would call you."

Ashe felt a headache coming on. "Let's try something different: If you had a pet--"

"I would kill it."

Ashe's pencil broke. She looked up. Lily appeared calm. Ashe's throat was dry, so she swallowed. "Why?" she said.

"I'm told that pets always die and when they do it's very sad. So I'd rather get it over with. It would be less sad the sooner it happened. Wouldn't it?"

Ashe skipped the next few questions.

"If someone you didn't know gave you a hug--"

"A man or a woman?"

"A woman," Ashe said, without thinking. "If a woman you didn't know gave you a hug, what would you do?"

"I would wait for her to finish."

"Is that all?"

Lily thought. "I would ask her if she wanted to have sex with me."

Ashe's pencil broke again. Lily's eyes flicked down to it.

"That's something people do, right?" she said.

"Sometimes," Ashe said. She got a new pencil.

"Have you ever had sex?"

"I--yes, of course."

"I'm told that almost everyone has sex but very few people talk about it. Isn't that silly? I assume if someone was willing to hug me she might be willing to have sex with me. Is that a good guess?" Before Ashe could answer Lily made a dismissive gesture. "Oh, well, I guess it doesn't matter, since I'll never find someone like that. Anyway, do you have any more questions, Dr. Ashe?"

Ashe looked at her notebook. She'd barely written a word. She flipped to a new page.

"No. No, I think that's all the questions for today. Let's move on to something else..."

Ashe suddenly remembered the men watching behind the mirror. They would have heard every word, and of course the whole thing was on tape now. She imagined then laughing and felt a crushing embarrassment. She imagined herself back in the classroom, staring at her blank exam sheet and realizing that, somehow, she'd run out of time again. Just breathe, she told herself; it's not an exam, it's only your notes, and this isn't a classroom, it's the clinic, and you're not in school, and no one is judging you, and you can do this, you just have to--

"It'll be all right."

"What?" Ashe's eyes snapped open. She did not remember closing them. She felt sick with vertigo. How long had she been sitting here? It must only have been a few seconds if no one had intervened, but it was impossible to be sure. A few seconds and a few hours felt exactly the same when she had an attack. But Lily was still here, and in fact she was leaning in again in her precocious "We have a secret," kind of way.

"I said it'll be all right," Lily said. "You looked like something was bothering you. So I wanted to be reassuring." She paused. "Did it work?"

Ashe blinked a few times. The vertigo subsided. She could breathe again. The room no longer felt so confining. She could look at the blank page without fear.

"Yes," she said. Then she smiled. "I'm okay. Thank you Lily. Sometimes...sometimes everyone needs a little help, I suppose."

Lily just smiled.

***

Lily's Diary, Day 23:

I had a thought that scared me today. I wondered what happens inside of a room when I am not there.

I used to think that when I was not in a room that it meant the room was not there anymore, but my old doctor explained that is not so. He said that people are still there even when I do not see them, and that they do things I do not know about. Today, when I left the room with Dr. Ashe, I became afraid. I realized that once I was gone from a room, anything could happen inside it.

The idea of all the things that could happen behind a closed door made me very afraid. It is the first time that I can ever remember being afraid of something besides myself. It is not a good feeling, but perhaps it means that what Dr. Ashe is doing is starting to work.

I wonder what words are in this book when I close the cover. The pages are all blank when I open them, but there could be anything at all written here when I am not looking at them anymore. Empty books may not be any safer than empty rooms, and words may do things I do not know about, just like people.

***

Five minutes in the door Ashe knew something was wrong. The orderlies huddled around the interview room like gossipy schoolgirls. When she approached they all stopped talking at once and would not meet her gaze. Rather than listen to their denials she walked past them. Whatever had them worked up it could only be something about Lily.

The room was different now. Someone had wheeled in a TV. Lily watched it with her back to the door. When Ashe saw what was on the screen she stopped, gaping. Then she closed the door again. The orderlies all looked away. One of them snickered.

"Who?" Ashe demanded. No answer.

"Who?" she said again.

"Orders from the AD," one of them mumbled.

Ashe pushed past them and took the elevator to the next floor. She walked into his office without knocking and dropped Lily's file on the desk to get his attention. It made a hard smacking sound. He looked at her over his glasses. "Are you insane?" she said.

"You tell me. Specialist."

Ashe opened her mouth but immediately swallowed the words she'd been about to say. Think this through, she told herself. Instead she sat down, folded her skirt over her knees, and took a deep breath before speaking again.

"Tell me what happened," she said.

"She wouldn't stop asking the staff questions. Normally she rarely speaks to anyone. Since you started treating her she's become chatty."

"That's a good sign."

"Maybe. But the things she was asking...disturbed people. Remember, no one is comfortable working with her anyway. She was asking very...explicit questions."

"Questions about sex?"

"Yes."

"What's so bad about that?"

The AD picked up a memo and handed it to her. Ashe read a few lines, then grew pale.

"I went and spoke to her myself and she asked for the movies" the AD continued. "It seemed like an efficient way to address her...curiosity. She's been watching them for eleven hours now."

Unsure what to say, Ashe just made notes. When it was evident that the AD had nothing more to add she folded up her notebook and said, "Thank you for keeping me updated on my patient's status." And she walked out.

Lily was still watching the television. Ashe closed the door and locked it. The orderlies had the keys and could open the door if they wanted to, but the locking was a signal. She wished she had curtains to put over the mirror as well. Lily raised a hand in greeting, but did not turn around. She sat less than a foot away from the TV screen.

Ashe regarded the image on it: a tanned woman bent over a table, legs splayed, while a man whose face was always out of the frame railed her from behind, his knees and thighs working like pistons while her sculpted backside bobbed in and out of view. The coils of her own hair piled up like a pillow beneath her head as she pressed her cheek to the tabletop and then--

The scene changed. Now it was a man and a woman on the beach, he sprawled out on a blanket and she crouched on top of him, riding his erect cock. The tide came in behind them. The woman (dark-haired with large, dark nipples) leaned all the way forward so that the camera could swivel around for a view of her cunt opening and sliding along the shaft of--

The scene changed again, and again, and again, never more than thirty seconds on any one. Now it was a woman giving a blowjob on the hood of a car in a deserted alley. Now two women showering, soaping and fondling each other's breasts with red lipstick smiles. Now a woman writhing on red satin sheets, a bizarrely obtrusive sex toy lodged between her legs. Lily was passive throughout it all. Ashe tapped her pencil against her notepad and said, "What do these films make you think about?"

"I'm not sure," Lily said.

Now the screen showed a woman in a vinyl suit turning a lever while another woman, naked, writhed in simulated agony on the rack. Alligator clips adorned her pink nipples.

"Which of these is sex?" Lily said.

"All of them," said Ashe. The volume on the television was turned down to the minimum but the performers' voices were still audible:

"Do you like it, you filthy whore?"

"Oh God...oh God!"

"But none of them are the same," Lily said. "How can you tell what is sex and what isn't?"

"That's why I asked how it makes you feel."

The scene changed again: A redheaded woman (her hair a few shades off from Lily's) arched on all fours on a table with a man on either side, pivoting between them, one cock in her ass and the other in her mouth. Ashe realized, suddenly, that she had actually written the phrase "One cock in her ass and the other in her mouth," on her notepad as she watched, without meaning to, and scribbled it out.