I Do I Do Believe In Ghosts

It was May 5th... I was driving back to Pittsburgh after spending some time in California, and why I took the southern route instead of that dull and boring I-70 through the heartland, I'll never know, but there I was, just moseying along I-40, my hands tapping the steering wheel to the rhythm on the radio... had to keep rollin'... (little poetic license there; still thinking about my last Twisted Tune, don't ya know!) ... when all of a sudden my usually reliable Jeep Cherokee started coughing and spitting and chug-a-lugging. It finally coasted to a stop on the edge of the road near the exit ramp for a little town called El Reno, and wouldn't you know it, Murphy's Law kicked in. Not a soul in sight! And it was a hot day, too. And this was before cell phones were invented.

So... after waiting for the white smoke from under the hood to go away, I tried to start my Jeep again, and it just wouldn't turn over. Lots of idiot lights lit on the dashboard, though! I popped the hood and one look was all I needed to know that I was pretty much fucked... up the creek (or "crick" as we say in Western Pennsylvania) without a paddle... water and oil laying in puddles all over the place... a blown head gasket for sure. But, like I said, I was very close to the exit ramp for that little town, and I could see the sign for a Shell station. It wasn't so far to walk... yeah, right. I should've stayed on the pavement instead of trying to short-cut it by walking through the field, but me thinking the shortest distance between two points is a straight line and all... Anyway, after I got myself out of that ditch I fell in halfway across that field, and made it back to the road and walked to that Shell station... yep... Murphy's Law. They really should've put that "for sale" sign in a more prominent spot!

But, it was early enough, and I could see the tell-tale indications of civilization down the road from where I stood looking at an empty Shell station, and so I tossed my Marlboro Menthol Light 100 on the abandoned tarmac... the gas pumps were gone, so I figured it was safe enough... and headed into the little town. Sure enough, there was a service station... a couple, actually, and one of them was indeed a Shell, so that's the one I picked. Why? Beats the shit outta me... maybe I thought it was a good omen, or something. Told the guy what happened, rode with him in his tow truck (not knowing he was charging mileage) all the way back to the last exit I had passed before I broke down so he could turn around and come back to get my Jeep. Why he didn't just cross over the grass medial strip, I don't know... (maybe because he was charging mileage!)... Anyway, he got my ride back to his garage, told me what I already knew... blown head gasket... and told me also what I really didn't want to know.

"Ah, well, ya see Mr. Lentz... this is a major repair here. And I don't keep these parts in stock. But, we got a Jeep dealership in town... I can get the part, but this is going to be an all-day job with the labor and all..."

And to think I thought I was done with Murphy for the day...

"But, I tell ya what, Mr. Lentz... if ya don't mind hanging around til tomorra, I'll have her ready for you, oh, say about noontime."

Well... seemed like a nice little town to take a break in, and, well... what else could I do? The old guy directed me to a nice little hotel just down the street; even called ahead to make sure they had a room. Even gave me a ride, even though a couple of blocks wouldn't have killed me. So, it wasn't so bad. But it was still early enough in the day, and I didn't feel like laying around in a hotel room watching t.v., so I headed out to explore the town. It reminded me of those towns you see in those western genre movies or television shows. Except that the main street was blacktop with lines painted on it instead of dirt. There was an actual saloon, though... with the batwing doors... neat! And, yep... cowboys! Just like in the movies, except instead of horses tied to a hitching post, there were lots of pickup trucks parked in those angle parking spaces. A nice little town.

So, I went into the saloon (almost expecting to see a bunch of gunslingers playing cards and shooting someone for cheating!) and had a nice lunch and a couple cold beers. Played some pool, but even that got boring after awhile. I got up to leave, but stopped in mid-stride halfway to the batwing doors. It was weird. Like a premonition or something that I was being followed. Know what I mean? When I turned around, there was nobody there; I mean no one standing behind me. But still, I could smell a faint aroma of some really nice perfume. Girly kind of stuff... and that was weird, because there weren't any women in the place, and I hadn't smelled it until that particular moment. It was just there. Like there was a woman standing there. And then, after convincing myself that I was imagining things, I felt something brush against me; like a person would accidentally bump into you on a sidewalk. Talk about goosebumps! Whew! And that's when things really started getting weird.

Whoever said ghosts don't walk around in broad daylight obviously doesn't know much about ghosts! And I'm sure if I had looked in the mirror behind the bar that day I would've seen my summer tan turn just as white as a ghost, too! Why I didn't piss my pants that day, I don't know, but before I could convince myself that it was just a hallucination, the presence I felt brushing up against me appeared in front of me... kind of translucent, you know? It was a woman, dressed in those old-fashioned clothes... what do they call them... hoop skirts, or something like that. You know what I'm talking about... the kind that Miss Kitty wore in Gunsmoke. She just stood there looking at me. Then after a couple minutes, she just went through the doors, and I mean, right through them... the way ghosts do. She motioned for me to follow her, and me being kind of dumb and disbelieving... well, I followed her.

Why someone didn't call the men with white jackets for me that day, I don't know, but there I was trotting down the sidewalk trying to catch up with this ghost... even hollered "Hey, wait up!" (That little old lady must've thought I was a pervert or something when I hollered again... "Hey! Sweet Thing! Where you going!") After a couple blocks, I found myself standing in front of the public library. I was sure I saw that woman, okay, ghost... go in there, but when I went inside, she wasn't there. Just regular people. I thought about asking someone if a woman wearing a Miss Kitty costume just now walked through, but me being a stranger and all, well... I figured it was best not to say something like that.

I was finally convinced that the whole little adventure was really just a hallucination... blame it on the heat, or whatever else I could blame it on. But, as I was heading back to the door, I saw her again. She was at the top of a staircase, looking at me. I waved (well, almost... I remembered that I was trying to believe I really hadn't seen a ghost) and she waved back... and motioned me to join her. WELL! Why I passed on the second opportunity of that day to piss my pants, I'll never know, but being the kinda curious guy I often am, I went up the stairs. By the time I got to where I had seen her, she was doing that osmosis thing through a door halfway down the hall. So, I followed her, and like the perfect gentleman that I am, I knocked on the door. It opened by itself, and it was neat... looked like a little studio apartment... only more like one of those hotel rooms you see in the old western genre movies. You know... plain furniture, quilt, a big old water pitcher setting inside a wash basin. Talk about crossing over to the Twilight Zone! Whew!

I know what you're thinking. So, I'll tell you. No, I wasn't on drugs, but maybe I did have one or four too many beers that day... Anyway, once inside the room, the door closed itself, and that's when things get a little more fuzzy in my head. I mean, I can't remember all the details, but I'm pretty sure I got laid somehow! Because when I woke up, I wasn't wearing any clothes, and I was back in the hotel room that I had rented for the night. I was all alone, but the strangest thing was that I could still smell that perfume. And, I was laying on a quilt... a quilt that wasn't there when I left my stuff in the room before heading out to explore the little town.

But wait! There's more!

The next day after I picked up my Jeep, I drove back through town. I wanted to see if there was a library. And, there was. I parked in one of those angled spots in front of the building and went inside, and off to the left was a staircase. On the wall behind the main circle desk, was a portrait of a woman... an old-fashioned looking woman... kinda like Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke... it was HER! The ghost! Why I didn't piss my pants then AND faint, I don't know, but let me tell you what! Goosebumps! My God! More like goosebumps on top of goosebumps! And a major shivering spell up and down my spine! The librarian must've been getting ready to call 9-1-1 ... "Man down in the library... possible seizure."

I shook myself back to normal just as the librarian approached me. She asked if I was alright, and I said I was...

"But, I'm curious," I said. "Who is that woman in the painting?"

"Oh, she was the first librarian here, back in 1865 when it opened. Nice girl, as I've been told, but she was a bit of a wild child. Back then, the librarian had a room upstairs, and one night she took a stranger up there with her after she closed up the library for the night. Legend has it that she kinda went crazy that night... and the stranger was never seen again."

(Gulp!)

"Ah yup," the woman continued, "Legends says she roams the town now, still looking for that guy, but I imagine that's just a bunch of tall tales... Sir? Hey, mister? HEY! You okay? Someone call 9-1-1 ... this man just now fainted!"